Struggling with having a teen daughter who is struggling/having issues ***SUPPORT THREAD***

Yes, and the quote you were commenting on recognised they were MH problems.

Apologies in advance as l am referring to my son's experience which was very similar.
I have spent years researching school refusal, anxiety and panic attacks, it is very complex but what worked for me, and plenty of others in same boat was to take school out of the equation. Force does not work, it may temporarily but for most it makes everything a whole lot worse and just prolongs the agony alongside the missed education.
Acceptance that the school environment is not the right fit for your child at this stage in their lives is key. It's not a failure on anyone, it just is what it is. If a plant did not thrive or flourish in a certain environment you would move it, simple as that.
At 13 young students are perfectly capable of being in the driving seat and taking control of their own education, online. All of the information is there online. From unlimited free tutorials covering every subject and advice on how to well in exams.
My son was home educated/ self taught, from age 13 due to an anxiety disorder. He didn't require any assistance from myself, no tutors, no paid online school. l kept on working as normal. He achieved top grades in every subject. It can be done. He is now studying A levels now and thoroughly enjoying it, as well as working part time. He is totally unrecognisable from how he was at 13, in everyway. Mentally, physically, emotionally. I could never have imagined this outcome 5 years ago, we were a family falling apart. He had huge anger issues, extremely low mood and zero motivation. He talked of suicide because he felt due to not being able to attend school his life was over. It was utterly heartbreaking.
You often find students get better naturally at dealing with their anxiety as they move into their later teen years. Age 13 seems to be stage when things badly fall apart and life becomes hell. So much time is wasted waiting months, years waiting for medical appointments and trying/ forcing coping mechanisms that don't work, maybe for mild anxiety, but not for an anxiety disorder.
It is so wrong and so limiting to think only one kind of education fits all, as in school.
I see time and time again on here people advising to keep the child in school no matter what when when they have no previous experience or knowledge of these issues.
If you go on to the Not Fine At School website you will see the huge extent of these problems and the consequences of trying to make something work for the sake of pleasing others rather than taking into account your child's actual wellbeing.
Often once the young person realises there is still a way to obtain a good education which is more manageable for them things vastly improve, it gives them hope that all is not lost.
This is not an overnight cure, it takes time, look at deschooling, this is critical for making HE work.
Students who study from home often sit IGCSE' s where they are marked solely on exams. My son say his at a nearby college, there are also exam centres dotted around Uk.
Other things that helped, his Bearded Dragon repitile, good diet, better sleep schedule, exercise.

@Madlollyoftheshire She's improving because she is getting older. That is all.

I was also a furious teen and was absolutely vile to my mother. I behaved horrendously towards her from ages of 12-15.

My behaviour stemmed from feelings of abandonment (father died when I was young although my parents were separated) and not being listened to or acknowledged. I was awful at school and can remember feeling like everyone just wanted me to behave and nobody cared about what was wrong. It wasn’t true but that’s how I felt. Teen brains can’t see the bigger picture. I deeply hated everything about myself and took it out on my mother although she acknowledges her responses were very combative.

I was incredibly anxious, had no self esteem and had deep body hatred but I was also brash, aggressive and antagonistic. I was just a very sad child. I guess what’s what is at the bottom of the behaviour. Your daughter definitely does not hate you. I had a great relationship with my mum from 16 plus.

My 13 year old has started with food issues and body image issues. She is eating well but is having meltdowns and torturing herself if she eats what she perceived as 'bad' food. She isn't remotely overweight. I am terrified this is going to mutate into a horrible eating disorder.

Hi paulhollywoodshairgel

I'm sorry to hear that. It sounds like something is happening to your dd with body image and food. I'm glad to hear she's eating and hopefully you can stop an ED from developing.

Warning signs are refusing previously loved foods, leaving food, hiding food, wanting to eat alone, purging, being obsessed with weight and looks. Once weight starts to drop and the brain becomes malnourished along comes anxiety, school refusal and isolation. It's a very complex illness.

With early intervention it's very recoverable.

Firstly I'd remove scales and insist on 3 good meals a day eaten together where possible. You are the parent and you decide on all meals. It's very important not to lose control of what she's eating because gaining control again is very difficult.

I do hope I'm not frightening you. I definitely don't want to do that. I had a few months with my dd where I had an inkling something wasn't right but had no idea what to do. I wish I'd had more knowledge back then as it did end up developing into a serious ED - anorexia.

We have a teen eating disorder board which might be helpful to you. There are parents on there with dc at many different stages of the illness and a wealth of experience and advice.

www.mumsnet.com/talk/eating_disorders/4718773-support-thread-8for-parents-of-young-people-with-an-eating-disorder

@paulhollywoodshairgel can you give her a copy of Susie Orbach's Bodies? I would suggest fat is a feminist issue, but maybe the title would put her off if she's struggling with these issues

@SockGoddess thank you for starting this, and sorry I'm late to it. I'm going to have a read through it all this evening to catch up.

My DD ( 13.5) is away at a sports camp at the moment, and as much as I feel dreadful for saying it, I'm enjoying the respite... And I'm missing her too. I'm hoping to use this time for a little reset!

I've also taken on board the advice on my other thread and am going to make a really conscious effort to make sure my own mental health is ok so I can better face the teen daughter challenge!

@BagpussSaggyOldClothCat Hi. You haven't scared me. That's actually really helpful. She is currently eating 3 good meals a day. Refuses anything 'bad' if she does have it she's really upset.
Thank you for helping me with what to look out for. It's really hard because I don't want to make her eat treat food and I'm happy as she's actually eating a better range of food. It s her extreme reaction to treat food that scares me. She's also trying to avoid going out for family meals and meeting up with friends if it involves food. Also the fact that she sees herself as overweight. She really isn't. Not even close. Thanks again.

I'll try those thank you 🙏

Too tired to post properly but please let me join you. One ND daughter, 18, and one NT 16. Feel utterly helpless and useless.

Just signing in to say yes, I’m one of you.
I have 2 teen dds, 18 and 17 years. The older one has seemed to be fairly smooth transitioning through phases and reaching adulthood, one suicide attempt and crisis point but we do think it was a blip with a very identifiable cause and has since moved onwards and upwards and generally is quite mentally tough. Younger one has had the most horrific time of it. Mental health took a serious plummet about 4 years ago, various suicide attempts and repeated self harming. She’s been in therapy for a couple of years while waiting for any further help to come forwards (so basically nothing). She has, touch wood, had an upward turn since leaving school and starting college. But it’s not like I can sit back and breathe a sigh of relief. I’m always on edge waiting for the next time. She still struggles with insomnia and hormonal surges but isn’t horrible with it, just retreats into herself which in itself causes further concern.
I don’t think I’ve slept a full night in 4 years, it’s a constant deep in the pit of my belly worry. Just sucks. Sending solidarity to anyone and everyone experiencing the rollercoaster of parenting teens 💐
I’ve spent so many nights wondering where we have gone wrong and questioning my every parenting decision.

Also joining and offering understanding to those going through this...but sadly, no answers.
Our DD is 13.5. Generally a happy go lucky, bright, kind and funny little girl..until about 2 years ago. She is unrecognisable now.
I get told to 'fck off' on a daily basis, called 'stupid', she can be awful to her little brother (7.5), and put her hands round his throat a few weeks ago.
She's self harming (cutting, arms), refuses to come out of her room most of the day, has given up all her activities (swimming, Scouts, skating etc) Supposed gender issues too. (Sorry if that seems dismissive, but it's everywhere amongst her peers!) Has rebranded herself as a different name from that of her birth name. I'm very ashamed to say that arguments are beginning to turn slightly physical. She moved to attack me a couple of days ago (I was trying to hoover her room- there were bits of food all over the floor.) It was 11am. I had been asking her for 20 mins to let me come in and hoover. She repeatedly told me to 'fck off'. In the end, I told her I was coming in anyway, which I did. She tried to hit and kick me. I'm ashamed to say that I lost it and did threaten her with violence back. I KNOW this is dreadful and feel enormously ashamed. But I am not coping well. Between these random outbursts, however, there are glimpses of the lovely young girl she once was..and hopefully will be again.
My DP, her Dad is supportive to a degree, but the lion's share of parenting falls to me. We have very, very little in the way of family to help. School are near impossible to communicate with.
I'm on the verge of contacting social services, for any good it may do..

This is not normal teen behaviour.

@PatButchersEarring social services can be very helpful in this situation. They will have sessions with your daughter and with you separately to really try to understand the dynamic and try to get to the root of the problem. Having said that, it is often time that resolves these problems.

I have a 14 year old with emotionally based school refusal awaiting a ND assessment.
Thought we were doing okay until year 8. She was always quiet in school but fine outside and sociable and we had busy holidays/activities.
All came crashing down one day. Rarely attended year 8 without tears. Started to refuse to leave the house etc.
School mismanaged it in year 8, but weren’t pressurising us also. I had to quit work.
Year 9 is better and she has a 1:1 and goes in most days for a few hours, trying to get her into a few lessons at the moment.
Going in has improved her mood enormously and she is much happier in herself, home schooling would have destroyed her I think. She still won’t go many places outside of school though.
It means I am trapped at home and I can only go out for short periods. Although I have constant contact with friends, the only person I speak to is DH for weeks at an end. I miss the chats at work a lot and all the things going on.
I worry I have more years of being a full time carer to her. I daren’t make too many fixed plans as her mood can change, especially around periods.
we’ve had days out/holidays ruined by meltdowns and I am frightened to book stuff for it to be ruined again.
Saying that, she’s lovely and mostly no trouble at all. I miss her when she does go to school. But I want her to have a life away from me.

I feel luckier as she has a friend who hasn’t left the house since last Easter and refuses to engage with any friends now. DD is desperate to see her but she has blocked them all on her phone. Apparently sits up all night and sleeps all day. Her mum is at a total loss what to do.

I would contact social services as this isn’t just teen behaviour, it is quite serious I would think

Teatime that sounds really tough. If your daughter is 13.5, do you need to be a carer though. Unless she needs to be watched 24/7 I would try and re establish your life

I'm sorry but the title of this thread is really misleading and I'm shocked that anyone would think any of this is regular teenage girl behaviour. It absolutely isn't.

@Sadlifter I agree and thought this was was a thread about general stroppy or difficult teen behaviour. I feel a bit of a fraud complaining about my (imo difficult) teen

@Bibbling she has attachment issues (which come from something that happened and is understandable).
I do manage to get out now especially as she is so much better. When she was very low I didn’t dare leave her as she would be hysterical.
It’s just I can’t make a fixed regular plan because I worry things will turn.
I wasn’t very sociable before as I was pushed out of a friendship group previously. But I miss work, I worked somewhere busy where something always was happening. I miss the drama!

I have a 19 year old. I am posting to tell you it can get better.
I have read the thread in full and have name changed because of my story.
My DD was attacked at 12 and refused school. We moved her to a different school. I joined Not Fine in School. You could say I am a founder member. My DD refused this new school and became abusive, I became fond of the grape. I couldn't cope. I was dealing with my incontinent dying father and a child self harming in a bullying environment. Even the teachers were nasty. NFIS saved me.
I moved her again and after some excellent therapy from a Barnardos trained therapist I thought we had cracked it. We were wrong, our DD had been 'groomed' by online trans activists. She wanted to be a he with requests for surgery. After a referral to a controversial clinic I refused to have anything more to do with it. My daughter hated me. She tried to kill herself. I refused to accept that she was thinking clearly. I kept going with love and kindness. I have no female relatives. Both grannies have passed. My sister hates me so we are nc. My friends have boys only.
I took a year off work and gave her a year off too. I also gave up drinking (it ain't mother's little helper, it's a poison).
Two weeks ago she told me she loved me (more than my mother ever did). She is still calling herself a boys name but is has had a boyfriend and wants to birth her own children. She is now at university.
I do know that these Internet 'glitter families' push male hormones onto girls. It makes them aggressive. Be vigilant. Teens buy them off the Internet.
I refuse to believe my DD is ftm as she is slowly becoming more feminine again. I have supported her with her name purely as it is just a name. I would like to see more public figures stand up for women's identities. We seem to promote barbies and nothing more. What happened to good old feminists?
Where are we now? Hopefully out the other side. Kindness was key and we have a good relationship. I also think gen z has had a lot to deal with with disruption to their schooling. When it got to much I use to fling open her door and sing songs from Annie. I still do it when she has been in bed too long. She is a lovely person, kind, non bitchy, clever and I am proud of her.

I hope I might be able to offer some hope. Nine years ago or so I would have been on a thread like this. Filthy bedroom. Questionable personal hygiene. Confrontational with me but not so much with my husband. Some social contagion of issues at school—daughter had a friend with OCD and copied some of her behaviours, such as suddenly only wanting to exit school via certain doors because ‘’that’s what L has to do”.

She was highly confrontational with me despite me giving her a lot of time and more money than I could probably afford. I spent a lot of time driving her around and sacrificed some of my career and friends for her activities.

I knew she loved me because every now and then there’d be a chink of light. But her father wasn’t good at backing me up if she started misbehaving at the table—I was always bad cop insisting on her being kind to other people. She responded to stress or being a group of extended family by acting up, being mean or showing off. It sounds mild but it was sometimes nasty—scribbling over faces in photos, using horrible language around her grandfather’s funeral arrangements.

i actually told her once that I thought we would get on better when we didn’t live permanently together and she went off to university and she looked quite stunned. But when she went off she started sending me really sweet little presents and cards and telling me how much she loved me and how she knew I had done a lot for her. She is a complicated personality and suffers from some anxiety still, but she is always WhatsApping me and my elderly grandmother to make sure we are ok. The kind and caring person was always there but it was if she was at war with herself.

She and I aren’t perfect and I try to apologise when I get it wrong but yesterday she rang me up because she sensed I was feeling a bit overwhelmed by a medical issue and she really calmed me down and made me laugh. I adored her from babyhood and I always did, even when I was and still sometimes am defeated by her challenging behaviour.