How should we handle our 17-year-old son's 19 YO girlfriend staying every weekend and never leaving his room!!!

[ThatTidyFawn]

Hi I have never posted before but really need some help and advice. My son is 17 and has his first girlfriend, she is 19, lives about 15 mins away from us went to a diff sixth form but they met on Snapchat. She comes on a Friday evening (we pick her up she doesn’t drive) and then usually leaves on a Monday morning. After she arrives on a Friday she never leaves my son’s room (apart from to go to the bathroom which she seems to try to ensure she does when no one is around). Initially my son said she was very shy and I understood but asked him to encourage her to come down, join in a bit etc. We would only be nice to her etc. It’s got worse if anything. My son comes down makes a ton of food for them both takes it back up. She never leaves the room and they basically spend all weekend in his room. It’s like we have a secret lodger! This has now been going on for a few months and just feel it’s a bizarre situation and that she needs to integrate a little bit with us if she wants to spend time here. My son takes my straighteners for her to use without asking and one day I needed them in the morning and knocked on his door and asked him to bring them out. He called just to come in which I did and they were both still in bed and she pulled the covers up over her head it was so awkward. They constantly order takeaways late at night and leave tons of food and packaging all over the room. We are constantly saying to bring things down after eating. My son sends me lists of things he’d like when I go to the shop and I know 80% of them are for her as most of it is stuff he doesn’t like eg smoked salmon, olives etc. I want to put my foot down and say it’s not continuing like this but my husband isn’t supportive of me taking a hard line approach and says does it really matter if they stay in his room. Although he agrees it’s not ideal, he hates confrontation and my son gets angry at us really easily so my husband doesn’t want to cause a row. I am also worried about my son’s A Levels as he wants to go to uni but since seeing her is hardly doing any work and his work is suffering. He goes to see her on a Monday and Tuesday evening (not overnight just for a few hours) and so there are only 2 evenings a week he’s not with her. It is so tricky to navigate and appreciate we have let it get to this but I kept hoping things would change. What do you think I should do? I am thinking of asking my sister to come over and mediate us talking to him as I don’t think he’d kick off in the same way if she is there.

It sounds like your son has you just were he wants you. You pick her up, does she not talk in the car? They stay in his room all weekend, he doesnt have a job but he has money for takeaways? He orders his groceries and you buy them? On top of that you can't say anything because he might kick off! You are much more patient and kind than I would be his girlfriend sounds like a weirdo and I wouldnt be able to resist saying so.

Next time your DH goes to pick her up go with him & start a chat with her in the car. Explain it'd be nice to get to know her a bit better & she's more than welcome to come downstairs while she's staying over. If they're in his room maybe give a knock on his door & ask them do they want to join you & DH for a takeaway downstairs or for drinks in the garden, anything that they may want to do. I'd be knocking the Salmon shopping on the head though. If they want food they can order in or do a shop themselves. She's not a child, so should be contributing for food if she's there for 3 days.

But it's a deeper than that. It's not just about her not being sociable or demanding certain luxury food, it's about this intensity of a relationship at his age.

Her son doesn't appear to be focusing at all on his studies, doesn't see friends, doesn't have hobbies or do sports.

It's sometimes harder for us to appreciate how sex-mad 17 year old boys are. He's in 7th heaven here with a woman who spends 3 days in his bedroom, and he visits her at her home 2 days a week too.

And he's got his parents under his thumb because they don't dare bring this up in case he 'kicks off'.

My house rules are that NO one eats in their rooms. It has always been like this. We only eat at the table - end of.
They can eat at different times, but must be in the kitchen or outside at the table.
How they are living is not healthy for anyone.

@ThatTidyFawn

This!! They’re taking the absolute piss, but also not learning social skills.

And not wanting to say ‘no’ to son because he quickly gets angry? What has he created?! Absolutely not. He needs a good talking to on that one too (husband and son!) son needs to learn about boundaries and to regulate his emotions when he doesn’t get what he wants.

Pandering to him is not helping him!

Good luck, you’ve got a challenge ahead of you!

It's no wonder there's a generation now with chronically bad social skills if this gormless teenage lump's anything to go by. Not speaking, not coming out of the room, and texting shopping lists? Jesus F#ck, are you a doormat?

I bet this hot weather has had an effect on the smells in that room. Unless they opened the windows wide each night 🤢🤢🤢🤢

This!

Thank you everyone for your responses. I have been speaking to my son today about a lot of the issues and setting some boundaries eg eating in the room and getting out more, going to the gym again and balancing seeing her with also seeing friends etc and I think we have made some headway. We’ve agreed her staying only Friday and Saturday nights from now on and she’ll go Sunday morning so he can study on Sundays. He has a month before his end of y12 exams so he needs to prove to us that he can manage his time to do enough study otherwise we will need to cut out the stays for his own good. Thank you to everyone who gave me some solid advice and empathised.

Well done for having the convo with him. Heaven knows it's not easy to talk to kids without it all going wrong!
Good luck. X

That does like a better plan and I’m glad he’s listened to you @ThatTidyFawn and thank you for the update

Let's hope she doesnt throw a tantrum and kick up fuck about being hunted on the Sunday morning now... Fingers crossed...👀

Good for you @ThatTidyFawn . If she does kick up, it'll show that she doesn't have his best interests at heart re. studying.