How should we handle our 17-year-old son's 19 YO girlfriend staying every weekend and never leaving his room!!!

[ThatTidyFawn]

Hi I have never posted before but really need some help and advice. My son is 17 and has his first girlfriend, she is 19, lives about 15 mins away from us went to a diff sixth form but they met on Snapchat. She comes on a Friday evening (we pick her up she doesn’t drive) and then usually leaves on a Monday morning. After she arrives on a Friday she never leaves my son’s room (apart from to go to the bathroom which she seems to try to ensure she does when no one is around). Initially my son said she was very shy and I understood but asked him to encourage her to come down, join in a bit etc. We would only be nice to her etc. It’s got worse if anything. My son comes down makes a ton of food for them both takes it back up. She never leaves the room and they basically spend all weekend in his room. It’s like we have a secret lodger! This has now been going on for a few months and just feel it’s a bizarre situation and that she needs to integrate a little bit with us if she wants to spend time here. My son takes my straighteners for her to use without asking and one day I needed them in the morning and knocked on his door and asked him to bring them out. He called just to come in which I did and they were both still in bed and she pulled the covers up over her head it was so awkward. They constantly order takeaways late at night and leave tons of food and packaging all over the room. We are constantly saying to bring things down after eating. My son sends me lists of things he’d like when I go to the shop and I know 80% of them are for her as most of it is stuff he doesn’t like eg smoked salmon, olives etc. I want to put my foot down and say it’s not continuing like this but my husband isn’t supportive of me taking a hard line approach and says does it really matter if they stay in his room. Although he agrees it’s not ideal, he hates confrontation and my son gets angry at us really easily so my husband doesn’t want to cause a row. I am also worried about my son’s A Levels as he wants to go to uni but since seeing her is hardly doing any work and his work is suffering. He goes to see her on a Monday and Tuesday evening (not overnight just for a few hours) and so there are only 2 evenings a week he’s not with her. It is so tricky to navigate and appreciate we have let it get to this but I kept hoping things would change. What do you think I should do? I am thinking of asking my sister to come over and mediate us talking to him as I don’t think he’d kick off in the same way if she is there.

I was that shy as a teenager too. Not sure what the solution would be to make her feel more comfortable joining in with the family

Interesting... if she does this type of work, surely she is not "too shy" to speak to people?
I do have sympathy for her if she's had a tough upbringing, but her behaviour at your house is VERY extreme and weird!
As others said, you need to dial down the pick ups and visitation time. Every weekend?? Blimey.
Also sounds like your son is bossing you and your husband around. Why do you base your decisions on him "kicking off"?
So what if he does, turn the internet off, stop paying his mobile/pocket money, facilitating girlfriends over - what most parents would do.

She can't be that shy if she works at an after school club/holiday club. She must need to speak to parents/colleagues/kids constantly

what does she do all day til 330 when works maybe 2.5hrs till 6pm

Not surprised that you say she had a difficult home structure. She obviously doesn't know how to behave in other people's homes . And she is 19 and working so she should know the score . My DS had a relationship like this and I had to have a conversation with him . He is too young , doing exams and it is not acceptable to have her staying over that often . You never intended that and certainly not expected the isolation, food requests and so frequent. He can not make her problems become his problems .

Are you okay with them eating in his room? I wouldn't allow that, toast sure but take aways and salmon etc, no way. She's having a laugh and having it all her own way. His revision is the perfect reason surely to cool this down a bit. One night a weekend stay over if good revision is up to date etc.

I would call a family meeting without the girlfriend and tell DH and DS how you're feeling about things, that they've had too much of their own way and are being anti social. He's young and no doubt in love but he's getting too much personal time.

Good luck. I hope you figure something out.

I don’t know if it’s just because that was my mums rules, but I completely agree with this. No way is my 17yo having a bf/gf staying over every weekend. It’s too much

I wouldn’t force someone to integrate with the rest of the family, but her behaviour is incredibly rude and weird. She should at least acknowledge you and thank you for letting her stay.

Does she ever thank your husband for the lifts? Does she offer petrol money, or give gifts as a thank you? (Im not talking expensive, either some supermarket flowers or bottle of wine/beers)

I would put a stop to giving her lifts. She is an adult. She is capable of getting on public transport or biking.

I would tell your son that the overnight stays need to be limited to once a fortnight.

I would also tell your son not to go in your room and take things without asking first.

I don’t want to sound horrible but it seems you’ve brought up your son without consequences or respect, so ultimately any guests of his don’t have consequences or respect either.

It’s not rude. She’s there to see your son, not you.
I would have hated to have had to integrate with my bfs parents at that age. But saying that I would never have stayed over all weekend either.

Your son’s A-Levels are a concern though. My son is at the same stage and has just split with his gf because she didn’t understand that he needed to ‘lock-in’ to revision for his end of years. These results determine his predicted grades which are used on Uni applications. Apparently they’re equally as important as the actual exams next year.

I’d be going down the exam route by changing the amount of time she stays over rather than where she actually is in your house!

Do you have a dinning room? If so, I think you need to be telling him no more eating takeaways upstairs. They dont have to sit and eat at the same time with you necessarily,
Also, do they never go out during the day?
Just stay in the one room all day watch TV/gaming/listening to music?

This.
I think we have a responsibility to demonstrate what healthy relationships look like and this certainly isn’t one.

This!! How these situations arise is crazy. Are you frightened of confrontation? She pulled the covers over her???? How does she manage in life?

She's clearly very anxious about interacting with you. I'd just let them be. You will just push your son away if you try to get in the middle of them and willmake her feel even more uncomfortable. Why is her giving attention to you so important to you?

I completely agree with this.

Quite simply put an end to the overnight stays. If she wants an adult relationship, she can find an actual adult who lives independently to have one with rather than a schoolboy.

The smoked salmon and olives caught my eye.

Pure piss take along with picking her up.

@PicknStick of course it's rude. She might be visiting to see the op's son but she is doing so in his parents' house and therefore needs to be civil and engage a bit. Say please and thank you for having me. Can I do anything to help?

We never let the DC take food upstairs, we expected to meet boyfriends and girlfriends and welcomed them into our home. They were welcome to eat what we ate and join us for mealtimes. There would have been no special purchases for the uncivil.

In 6th form, DS and DD went out on Fridays/Saturdays. Sunday to Thursday were school nights.

@ThatTidyFawn you need to set some boundaries.

And you're allowing this because?

I wouldn’t be allowing overnights whilst he is still studying. He is spending way too much time with her and too little on school work. I’d say its cutting back to 1 night.

Because it’s the OP’s house.

It’s downright rude to use the facilities of someone’s house and to completely ignore them.
As well as getting chauffeured to and from her home without interacting or saying thank you.

“Leaving them be” is essentially letting her get away with being rude whilst allowing unhealthy habits (not leaving the room all weekend) to continue.

I absolutely would not tolerate this. Complete silence from her in the car when you’ve done her a big favour of giving her a lift? Completely hiding away from you for the whole weekend in your home? Ordering food to your house and leaving a mess? No, no and no. Put a stop to it all and use upcoming exams if you need to.
i hope you don’t have younger children who are observing all this and thinking it is normal.

I don’t want attention 😂 I just find it weird that someone is living here 3 nights a week and I literally never see her I just know she’s here. I just think she could come down with him when he’s making food, getting drinks etc and maybe eat their food downstairs sometimes. Also that they should leave their room and go outside a bit. You can walk places eg the town from ours and I don’t think it’s healthy staying in one room for 2.5days straight (or 3.5 this weekend as it’s a bank holiday).

So does she chat on the car journey?
Trying to remember me being that age & staying at a boyfriend's a lot and we would mostly just hang out in the bedroom. It was where I was most comfortable in our own space, laying in bed eating pizza and watching TV 🙈I think it is more of a young shy thing over deliberately trying to be rude.. and maybe just teenagers being teenagers.
I like the suggestion that Friday is family dinner that she can come over for. It sounds like she feels awkward and doesn't know what to say. Although she needs to learn quickly about general manners and to make an effort with everyone else in the house. I think something where she has to have a meal and be properly integrated with the family might be easier than just passing in the hallway!

She does work at an after school club / also holiday clubs in school hols.

So it’s just you and your husband she chooses not to interact with. There is a name for that!

I’d tell her where she can shove her smoked salmon and olives!

My son was in a relationship like this. It was toxic. No young man should be someone’s emotional support person.
You are going to need some boundaries. He may hate you for it. She may say things to him. Tell him you will always love him and be there for him but it is also acceptable to have boundaries as rules in your home.

What on earth have I just read?

He is 17 and under your roof. Who does she live with when she's not with you? Sounds like you have a massive DH problem. Your DH is turning his own son into a doormat for this girl to walk all over. She will have zero respect for you or your son. Yes, laying down some ground rules may lead to some short-term conflict but honestly I think your son will be secretly relieved you've stood up for him and helped him pass his exams!

Rules-
She comes for one night only.

NO food in the bedroom. They can eat after everyone else has finished in the kitchen/ diner if they must, but takeaways in the bedroom is just gross and will bring mice or worse.

They buy their own food unless it's toast or they eat with the family.

She will respect you and, most importantly, your son, much more if you create some firm boundaries. It will be better for his exams and the relationship. If she dumps him as she doesn't like the new rules or because she's not getting her snoked salmon then good riddance.