How should we handle our 17-year-old son's 19 YO girlfriend staying every weekend and never leaving his room!!!

[ThatTidyFawn]

Hi I have never posted before but really need some help and advice. My son is 17 and has his first girlfriend, she is 19, lives about 15 mins away from us went to a diff sixth form but they met on Snapchat. She comes on a Friday evening (we pick her up she doesn’t drive) and then usually leaves on a Monday morning. After she arrives on a Friday she never leaves my son’s room (apart from to go to the bathroom which she seems to try to ensure she does when no one is around). Initially my son said she was very shy and I understood but asked him to encourage her to come down, join in a bit etc. We would only be nice to her etc. It’s got worse if anything. My son comes down makes a ton of food for them both takes it back up. She never leaves the room and they basically spend all weekend in his room. It’s like we have a secret lodger! This has now been going on for a few months and just feel it’s a bizarre situation and that she needs to integrate a little bit with us if she wants to spend time here. My son takes my straighteners for her to use without asking and one day I needed them in the morning and knocked on his door and asked him to bring them out. He called just to come in which I did and they were both still in bed and she pulled the covers up over her head it was so awkward. They constantly order takeaways late at night and leave tons of food and packaging all over the room. We are constantly saying to bring things down after eating. My son sends me lists of things he’d like when I go to the shop and I know 80% of them are for her as most of it is stuff he doesn’t like eg smoked salmon, olives etc. I want to put my foot down and say it’s not continuing like this but my husband isn’t supportive of me taking a hard line approach and says does it really matter if they stay in his room. Although he agrees it’s not ideal, he hates confrontation and my son gets angry at us really easily so my husband doesn’t want to cause a row. I am also worried about my son’s A Levels as he wants to go to uni but since seeing her is hardly doing any work and his work is suffering. He goes to see her on a Monday and Tuesday evening (not overnight just for a few hours) and so there are only 2 evenings a week he’s not with her. It is so tricky to navigate and appreciate we have let it get to this but I kept hoping things would change. What do you think I should do? I am thinking of asking my sister to come over and mediate us talking to him as I don’t think he’d kick off in the same way if she is there.

And everything else isn't weird? This situation needs sorting and your DH needs to get a grip (and a spine).

@ThatTidyFawn I think it's interesting that if she's too shy to say "hello and tgank you" and engage in a little small talk, she isn't too shy to expect lifts to arrive, and presumavly depart, and then to take all her clothes off, have sex and not leave the bedroom for three days running. One wonders what she thinks you think she is up to. She shoukd be deeply embarrassed about her behaviour. She doesn't sound shy to me she sounds entitled and downright rude. I hope you and/or yiur DH have had a serious talk with DS about not getting her pregnant.

Why don't you speak to your son on his own and tell him you're not happy with the situation. I think you need firmer boundaries with him. I personally wouldn't have liked my son having a girlfriend to stay over at age 17. If they want to have sex they have to do it elsewhere. Your house, your rules.

You’ve gone wrong parenting him for him to think this is going to be acceptable. Sit him down give him boundaries. No one comes into my house without a hello Mrs JanefromLondon1. They don’t get to send any of the DCs down for food and drink for them and they most certainly wouldn’t be allowed to stay over without us having at least spent some time with them.

why does your son think this level of rudeness is acceptable?

If her life is that awful at home and she still wants to stay over you need to have a chat with them both. Your son has the option of changing how they behave in your house or not getting to sleep with her as it seems that’s not allowed in her house.

No way would I facilitate this.

Why are you so soft .op? It’s okay to put boundaries in place.

Id talk to my ds and say you’re not happy with this situation 🤷‍♀️ either she comes over and interacts in a normal manner with the family or she does not come over.

Id also not want her over every weekend, its too much.

This is a family where the son is in charge.
OP is frightened of talking to him as he gets angry.
Dad thinks it's all okay (in other words he doesn't have the ability to set boundaries and face his son's attitude problem.)

I really hope they are doubling up on contraception. Pill and condoms. Regular sex over 3 days is not going to have a happy ending ( if she is careless over the Pill, if it doesn't work, or if she is not using it .)

@ThatTidyFawn Have you any idea what they are doing to avoid a pregnancy? (Your son needs to buy condoms and not rely on a girl saying she takes the Pill.)

I also wonder whether your ds is actually happy with this relationship and is also vulnerable to not being able to put boundaries in place (due to his parents extreme conflict avoidance!)

You are the parent so start parenting.

I have no idea why you would agree with her coming over to start with and why you have no put your foot down already.

Just tell him that you will not host his girlfriend in the house anymore.

Simple answer at least in my opinion.

The next time we picked her up I'd address the whole situation with her & ask her why she feels she can't join in with us for a coffee or a meal at some point over the weekend as we'd love to spend a little time together.

This is far too much at 17, sorry. What does this girl do if she’s 19? Study, work?
You need to sit down w your husband and speak to your son about how this isn’t acceptable on so many levels.

Are you sure they are a girl

@ThatTidyFawn just for perspective, we were quite liberal with our DC in relation to girlfriends and boyfriends. DS is 31 now and married.

He had his first girlfriend aged 16/17. He asked if she could stay over. I said DH and I needed to discuss and think about it. We decided it was fine providing her parents knew where she was, agreed it was OK and gave their permission. It was contingent on her mother and I speaking. It was made clear to DS that mutual responsibility re contraception was necessary and overnight stays were restricted to Fridays and Saturdays because they were in 6th form, doing A'Levels and applying for uni.

They were together for five years despite him having a gap year in the Antipodes. We got to know the girl and her family well. Her mother and I are still on FB and LinkdIn. It fizzled in the end because they both grew up and weren't right for each other.

Whilst they were together, she shared family meals with us, she joined a couple of family hols, he joined a couple of theirs. For big family meals she brought flowers or wine and sometimes phoned me for a recipe.

Please don't think it was all roses because she was a right little madam but at least she knew how to behave.

Stop giving lifts.
It's weird they stay in his room all weekend, why don't they go out anywhere?
He needs to get a Saturday job and study for his a-levels, not spend every waking moment with this girl.

I suggest you do a NVR course. If you are scared of reactions from your son and husband, it could give you some useful strategies. I don't think it's necessarily as easy to suddenly stand up to difficult/angry/controlling men as some people are suggesting, especially if you have other children or pets.

we allowed our son’s girlfriends to stay overnight from 17 onwards, BIG MISTAKE, big mistake, he absolutely took the pee just like your son and girlfriend, apart from my son drove from 17 so would pick her up. My DH was just like yours anything for a quiet life and I often would just go into my bedroom shut the door and seeth quietly. They both worked at an airport and both on same shifts, 4 days on and 4 days off staying 4/5 nights at mine together. I felt suffocated, In the end I blew one day, I was sick and tired of cooking and washing up for her, she was a lazy cow in my house, so I sat them both down and told them no more sleeping at my house, if they wanted to live together get a flat, I stuck to it too, ignoring all the pleading from him and soon enough they got a flat, their relationship went downhill and they ended up finishing after 3 months of living together. He had many DG in between who all stayed at ours, hindsight I would never of allowed it if I knew what I know now. 17 years later he’s married with a son who is 17 and in his first relationship, my son & DDIL will no way allow her to sleep over much to his disgust but my DDIL said after listening to all my stories of all my DS’s girlfriends staying over she realised they had to say no from the start. She’s allowed to watch TV in his bedroom as long as the door is open. And she has to go at 11pm. DDIL says she knows they’re having sex but she won’t encourage it nor be made to feel uncomfortable in her own home and that’s absolutely fine. I seriously would be having a chat to the pair of them if I was you and tell them your house your rules!

Absolutely agree. Husband problem. This could all be sorted out if DH took some responsibility.

I have all sons eldest three are 22, 19, 18. I'd simply not have her stay any more and list the reasons you stated as why.
It's your house not his and if he doesn't like it, well that's too bad. To many parents tiptoe around their children and make themselves uncomfortable accommodating their behaviour.

Could she be autistic, neurodivergent or something like this? If so I would accept this and feel that she needs help and not criticism. I would just let her be, but maybe try a really gentle approach and let her know that you are trying to understand.

She’s acting very strange, & their both disrespectful of your home, I wouldn’t put up with that, you need to add some social skills to her behaviour, quite concerning she seems to dictate what happens and has some control over your son and yourself in your own home. Put your foot down, I’d be hoping he found another girlfriend.

I’m sure they are doing plenty of horizontal jogging!!

Want to add why can’t your son stay at his girlfriend's every other week ? …and why do you allow your son to bully you ?your the parent time to make a stand .

That’s all very well but she’s not your problem, and your son is too young to be in too deep a relationship with her. I would be worried if my son.
land put my foot down, your husband sounds very week and needs to step up .

One evening a week like a Saturday and a bit of socialising with the family is more likely. This should also be much less during A levels. I sympathise about not wanting to be confrontational with moody teenagers. They sure know how to manipulate. Good luck with laying out some rules. You should not feel like this in your own home.

Sorry but why are you allowing an adult woman to sleep in your child son’s bed? Why are you picking her up? Sleepovers under 18 are same sex only.

She is using your soon as a meal ticket and a place to stay. And he in turn is using you

Stop this immediately. I would not even have her in my house.

God knows what they are doing in his room.