How should we handle our 17-year-old son's 19 YO girlfriend staying every weekend and never leaving his room!!!

[ThatTidyFawn]

Hi I have never posted before but really need some help and advice. My son is 17 and has his first girlfriend, she is 19, lives about 15 mins away from us went to a diff sixth form but they met on Snapchat. She comes on a Friday evening (we pick her up she doesn’t drive) and then usually leaves on a Monday morning. After she arrives on a Friday she never leaves my son’s room (apart from to go to the bathroom which she seems to try to ensure she does when no one is around). Initially my son said she was very shy and I understood but asked him to encourage her to come down, join in a bit etc. We would only be nice to her etc. It’s got worse if anything. My son comes down makes a ton of food for them both takes it back up. She never leaves the room and they basically spend all weekend in his room. It’s like we have a secret lodger! This has now been going on for a few months and just feel it’s a bizarre situation and that she needs to integrate a little bit with us if she wants to spend time here. My son takes my straighteners for her to use without asking and one day I needed them in the morning and knocked on his door and asked him to bring them out. He called just to come in which I did and they were both still in bed and she pulled the covers up over her head it was so awkward. They constantly order takeaways late at night and leave tons of food and packaging all over the room. We are constantly saying to bring things down after eating. My son sends me lists of things he’d like when I go to the shop and I know 80% of them are for her as most of it is stuff he doesn’t like eg smoked salmon, olives etc. I want to put my foot down and say it’s not continuing like this but my husband isn’t supportive of me taking a hard line approach and says does it really matter if they stay in his room. Although he agrees it’s not ideal, he hates confrontation and my son gets angry at us really easily so my husband doesn’t want to cause a row. I am also worried about my son’s A Levels as he wants to go to uni but since seeing her is hardly doing any work and his work is suffering. He goes to see her on a Monday and Tuesday evening (not overnight just for a few hours) and so there are only 2 evenings a week he’s not with her. It is so tricky to navigate and appreciate we have let it get to this but I kept hoping things would change. What do you think I should do? I am thinking of asking my sister to come over and mediate us talking to him as I don’t think he’d kick off in the same way if she is there.

Gosh I can’t believe that SHE doesn’t find it desperately awkward. Younger than her I sometimes stayed at my long term boyfriend’s parents house and while I was crushingly shy and they weren’t exactly enormously welcoming (in hindsight they were at the end of their marriage and it wasn’t a happy home, but they did allow me and their Daughters boyfriend to stay over, that being preferable to us shagging wandering in the streets) my boyfriend and I would eat in the kitchen and sit in the conservatory in the evenings and exchange pleasantries with his parents as they came through. Sometimes we’d all have a takeaway together.

I think getting your Sister in to mediate and set some ground rules is a good idea OP. Maybe the girlfriend can come and stay but you’ll at least all have a meal together one night of the weekend? I’d also stop the special food orders and the late takeaway deliveries.

Sorry but you have a bigger problem here, why are you and your husband frightened of your 17 year old son? It’s your house and he needs boundaries. I would never allow that behaviour, unacceptable on many levels. I’d say she can stay Friday night under the condition that you all eat dinner together and get to know her, then she goes home sat morning.

I can't believe what I'm reading.....

but please beware OP that a lot of the advice in this thread may well be from parents with no experience (yet) of parenting this age group

Mine's 34, solo mum.

I would NEVER have put up with this.

Your husband sounds like a wimp OP.

You both are letting 2 teenagers run the household. One not even family who demands you buy expensive food, which you do.... are you mad?!

That’s quite a reach 😂
Op isn’t desperate for attention, what a strange way to look at it. The gf is a 19 year old woman. It’s beyond weird that she comes to her boyfriend’s parents home and doesn’t leave his room all weekend. In the op’s shoes it would make me feel very awkward and uncomfortable, not to mention it’s just bloody rude. But sure, let’s blame the op, her son, her dh and their parenting rather than the obvious option of the ignorant, CF girlfriend.

Have you posted before? Someone posted something very very similar not too long ago.

A 19 year old going out with a 17 year old is strange in itself. Age gaps as much larger at that age, and I know that going out with a 17 year old would have been seen as weird at my university. They're just too young, and usually girls that age want a man who has finished developing, for one thing.

The whole situation sounds incredibly weird, especially that she's 19. I don't buy the fact that it's shyness. Way too many disrespectful people get away with bullshit under the excuse that they 'just shy'. She's old enough to be 2nd year university students who is talking to classmates and having discussions with tutors. Old enough to have a job. Old enough to be probably attending medical appointments alone.

She sounds a nightmare.
the problem is if you try and keep them apart it’ll become more forbidden and exciting…my first love at 17 was a manipulative bully who never wanted to do anything other than come round, eat all the food and shag and my parents hated him , but that made him this more attractive bad boy.
but I think you need an honest chat with your son about healthy relationships, he should be still having time with his mates etc at weekends so maybe a compromise of Friday- Saturday, and suggest going out for a meal or similar to get to know her. It would worry me my teenagers going out with someone that anxious and reclusive. The age gap is odd at that age as well.

Although he agrees it’s not ideal, he hates confrontation and my son gets angry at us really easily so my husband doesn’t want to cause a row.

Hubby needs to be on the same page as you and you both stand united. Then I'd let your son get angry. Stop living in fear of this happening because you're letting your 17 year old manipulate you. When he sees getting angry doesn't work on you, he'll probably stop. Yes, it's a hard part of parenting but stand firm!

It's more than fair to let the part time lodger stay a night and one day of the weekend (when it suits you all, not just him) but your son needs to know he has to get on with his study for the other day and evening. Those are the rules of living in your home and he's no other choice! It's his future you guys need to worry about most imo.

ps - and stop the food shopping!

It’s not taking a hard line, it’s basic parenting! This is the critical time that you and your DH need to teach your DS how to be a responsible, well rounded and polite adult before he leaves home. You and your DH are enabling a waster - we don’t need any more of those men in the world sorry.

Firstly, I would stop buying her smoked salmon, olives and other bougie food requests.

I would set clear boundaries with DS about overnight visits, placing emphasis on the importance of studying to do well in his A levels.

I wouldn’t allow it in my home, you have every right to put your foot down. Just because your husband had a serious relationship involving overnight stays at just 15, doesn’t mean you have to tolerate it for your child in your home.

If this makes DS upset/angry tough, he will get over it!

I had a no food in the bedroom rule, still did until they left home and everyone is expected to eat dinner at the table, house rules. Hard to retroactively impose but at least ensure no hot food, takeaways etc go upstairs

I never said desperate, I didn't even insinuate she was desperate for attention.
Would you not feel uncomfortable if you needed to bring in family members to talk to your son because you're scared of him kicking off? That would make me a lot more uncomfortable than someone who didn't talk to me. If your son wasn't studying would you blame that on his girlfriend or him? If your son was bringing his and his girlfriends (who is his guest) rubbish down, would you blame that on the girlfriend too?
I don't think it's a reach to say there is projection going on here. Or maybe it's just internalised misogyny, the boy kicks off and that's okay but the girl needs to friendly and sociable to appease his parents. The girl is responsible for clearing the rubbish in the boys house. If a boy isn't studying, it's the girlfriends fault.

Have you thought about inviting them on a day out over one of these weekends with you and your husband? The weather is nice and summer is here so maybe to the beach or some other outdoor attraction? And is there any chance you and/or your husband could make plans occasionally on a Friday so there isn’t time or space to give her a lift?

I would make efforts to start changing up this routine of her coming on Friday and leaving on Monday. I would blame your son more then her for all this because if the girl has come from a home with little structure or normality she could genuinely not be aware of how antisocial she is being.

Have you thought about inviting them on a day out over one of these weekends with you and your husband? The weather is nice and summer is here so maybe to the beach or some other outdoor attraction? And is there any chance you and/or your husband could make plans occasionally on a Friday so there isn’t time or space to give her a lift?

I would make efforts to start changing up this routine of her coming on Friday and leaving on Monday. I would blame your son more then her for all this because if the girl has come from a home with little structure or normality she could genuinely not be aware of how antisocial she is being.

Have you thought about inviting them on a day out over one of these weekends with you and your husband? The weather is nice and summer is here so maybe to the beach or some other outdoor attraction? And is there any chance you and/or your husband could make plans occasionally on a Friday so there isn’t time or space to give her a lift?

I would make efforts to start changing up this routine of her coming on Friday and leaving on Monday. I would blame your son more then her for all this because if the girl has come from a home with little structure or normality she could genuinely not be aware of how antisocial she is being.

Have you thought about inviting them on a day out over one of these weekends with you and your husband? The weather is nice and summer is here so maybe to the beach or some other outdoor attraction? And is there any chance you and/or your husband could make plans occasionally on a Friday so there isn’t time or space to give her a lift?

I would make efforts to start changing up this routine of her coming on Friday and leaving on Monday. I would blame your son more then her for all this because if the girl has come from a home with little structure or normality she could genuinely not be aware of how antisocial she is being.

If he wants an easy life he should realise what a hard life he’s setting up if he doesn’t study and crashes his a levels

Sorry for the multiple replies, I thought my internet connection was down

Next thing she'll be pregnant.

Why are you putting up with this nonsense?
She sounds pig ignorant.

One of the greatest joys of being a teenager is getting to ‘do nothing’ with a new boyfriend/girlfriend, in a room, away from the rest of the world, and yes, having parents bankroll it. So there’s nothing unusual there. I’m actually rather envious of your DS and his girlfriend. I would quite like a break from being an adult for a while.

Oh gosh this makes me feel so embarrassed as this was literally me and Dh at 17 years old. I used to go and stay at his all weekend and vice versa. We’re both quite shy and meant no malice in it at all. We were both just in our own bubble and just wanted to be together. We did sit downstairs sometimes but I felt really uncomfortable. It seems crazy now, but we didn’t even think about the food or it coming across as rude, we were just so young
I didn’t put in requests for food though!

Same! They were the best times

You need to make sure that the worst arguments at home will be between you and him if he doesn't get this sorted, rather than between him and your son. Be his worst option basically.

I’ve raised three DC and there’s no way any of this would have happened in my home. My teenagers hung out with their friends, going to gigs, the cinema, Nandos that sort of thing. We never allowed overnights from girlfriends. We did have girlfriends over for a BBQ, or dinner but no way were they permitted to live in our DC’s rooms.

Your DS is massively taking the piss.

I think you might be worrying too much, and also lots of people on here are being harsh.

Why would they want to spend their limited time with their parents? Like it is nice when my son spends time with me, but I don’t expect him to when his girlfriend is round.

picking her up if she doesn’t have a lift herself is standard parenting, if you can do it and have the time then why wouldn’t you…I don’t get the problem here. Once he is driving he can pick her up himself but for now you do him a solid and get her.

the only issue I see here is the A-level one, but being that he is 17 I’m not sure what he would be doing over the weekend that he can’t do in his free periods or on evenings. He will have another year before his exams. Just speak to him about it and ask him how he is doing, then tell him your concerns, but leave out the odd one you have about her age (otherwise why would you tell us this in the first place) because it is nothing at all. I married the man I was dating when was 20 and I was 17.

@ThatTidyFawn “my son gets angry at us really easily so my husband doesn’t want to cause a row.”

I think is your biggest issue. Why are you afraid of him becoming angry?