How should we handle our 17-year-old son's 19 YO girlfriend staying every weekend and never leaving his room!!!

[ThatTidyFawn]

Hi I have never posted before but really need some help and advice. My son is 17 and has his first girlfriend, she is 19, lives about 15 mins away from us went to a diff sixth form but they met on Snapchat. She comes on a Friday evening (we pick her up she doesn’t drive) and then usually leaves on a Monday morning. After she arrives on a Friday she never leaves my son’s room (apart from to go to the bathroom which she seems to try to ensure she does when no one is around). Initially my son said she was very shy and I understood but asked him to encourage her to come down, join in a bit etc. We would only be nice to her etc. It’s got worse if anything. My son comes down makes a ton of food for them both takes it back up. She never leaves the room and they basically spend all weekend in his room. It’s like we have a secret lodger! This has now been going on for a few months and just feel it’s a bizarre situation and that she needs to integrate a little bit with us if she wants to spend time here. My son takes my straighteners for her to use without asking and one day I needed them in the morning and knocked on his door and asked him to bring them out. He called just to come in which I did and they were both still in bed and she pulled the covers up over her head it was so awkward. They constantly order takeaways late at night and leave tons of food and packaging all over the room. We are constantly saying to bring things down after eating. My son sends me lists of things he’d like when I go to the shop and I know 80% of them are for her as most of it is stuff he doesn’t like eg smoked salmon, olives etc. I want to put my foot down and say it’s not continuing like this but my husband isn’t supportive of me taking a hard line approach and says does it really matter if they stay in his room. Although he agrees it’s not ideal, he hates confrontation and my son gets angry at us really easily so my husband doesn’t want to cause a row. I am also worried about my son’s A Levels as he wants to go to uni but since seeing her is hardly doing any work and his work is suffering. He goes to see her on a Monday and Tuesday evening (not overnight just for a few hours) and so there are only 2 evenings a week he’s not with her. It is so tricky to navigate and appreciate we have let it get to this but I kept hoping things would change. What do you think I should do? I am thinking of asking my sister to come over and mediate us talking to him as I don’t think he’d kick off in the same way if she is there.

The absolute fuckery that passes as parenting is sometimes shocking. How can you and your husband be such wet lettuces, that a 17 and 19 years old are in charge, and you're both skivvying around supplying fancy food, lifts and trying not to upset children?
What 17 year old needs whole weekends locked down with his lover?
Utter madness!

I wouldn’t have that behaviour, and I say that as someone who did allow their boy/girlfriends to stay overnight. And they did spend lots of time cosseted away in their rooms (probably doing exactly what DH and I were doing at 17).
but every boy/girlfriend who came into this house first visited my kitchen or living room and had a 5 minute chat with me. If takeaway was to be had everyone was included and it would be eaten downstairs, though I usually let them eat it on the sofa while the rest of us sat at the table.
I know first love/sex can be very exciting but it sounds bloody dreary to me - do they not want to ‘show each other off’ to their friends, or go for a Frankie&Benny, or to the pictures, or for a walk.
Like pp, I find your dh’s attitude strange - in my experience it’s usually the DH wandering around muttering about them ‘taking the piss’ and ‘think I’m the effing JustEat man’ and threatening to go up and give ‘em the what for.

This is gentle parenting run amok. If your child never gets angry at you, it means you are not imposing appropriate boundaries.

Sorry but I don’t think this is normal at all. It’s really rude and self centred. As many teens can be, of course - I have two myself but they have better manners than this.

Does she live so far away that she needs to stay overnight, or could your husband reasonably pick her up in the afternoon and run her home late evening? I realise that she is an adult, but your son isn't. I'd treat their relationship as is appropriate for his age and life stage (minor, still in school, not making significant income, dependent on parents), not hers. There are a lot of variables but my instinct is that she shouldn't be staying over routinely at this stage unless it's geographically necessary.

Also, it's completely OK for you to say no to buying her food or lending her your things; you don't have to mindlessly go along with what your husband wants when it costs you your own time, energy, and possessions. let him lend her his straighteners if needed. And his claim that you both should step back and let DS do whatever because that's what his own parents allowed is lazy and stupid. It's nothing like the same situation, and even if it were you have a right to input too.

@Crushed23 Every weekend? I don't know anyone who did this and I only one set of parents who are sort of doing it now with their 21-year-old and partner -in that the couple splits their time between the two families. But there's no staying in bedrooms the entire time or not speaking to the parents in either house. What the OP is describing is weird and very rude behavior.

Stop picking her up and buying her fancy food. Aside from the fact that she doesn't talk to anyone when she is staying, why should she be staying 3 nights a week every week and not making a contribution to food and bills given she basically lives there half of the time!

Just stop the lifts so they can’t hide away and have sex/fester all weekend. So gross. I find it a bit odd that a 19 year old girl would be interested in a 17 year old boy. She sounds very weird indeed.

There’s not a chance in hell that any friend of my DD is coming into my house while im
there and not talking to me or DH. It’s bloody rude behaviour and I’d be telling your DS. So he gets upset? Ok what’s he going to do about it ? Move out ? I’d be imposing a restriction of maybe one overnight a week or one weekend a fortnight and using his academic commitments as the reason.

Normal for teenagers to stay in their room like this, but you need to stop facilitating lifts and shopping. That’s why you feel put out.

There are often posts like this and in all of them the girl comes from a dysfunctional home or has an unhappy home life.

But it's no reason to 'adopt her' and allow this behaviour between them.

This relationship is unlikely to last - presumably you are not one of the girlfriends your husband had as a young teen @ThatTidyFawn ?

So you are not doing this girl or your son any favours by allowing her to live with you for weekends. The upset when they split up (rather than IF) will be very hard for her if he ends it and you have become a kind of refuge from her own family.

You're also setting a pattern for your son that it's okay to bring girlfriends home and behave as if they are in a long term relationship, when that is unlikely to be the case.

My adult children left at 18 for uni. They had some very low key dates before that but not a 'girlfriend or boyfriend'- too busy studying.

Later on, the only partners that stayed here were the ones they have ended up marrying. And they were well into a long term relationship before they even asked if anyone could stay. And you know what- when they first brought their partners here, out of respect for us they slept in separate rooms here. (we didn't ask them to do that.)

This is showing you the other side of the coin and how some families behave.

Your son is just 17. He is legally a child so start setting boundaries.

I very much do have DC this age. I think a lot of the advice on here comes from personal experience.

@ThatTidyFawnhave you managed to speak to DH yet? Either way, I think I’d be getting them up this morning, explaining that DH needs time to study and it’s time for her to go home.

"How can I deal with bf's gf staying every weekend.......I pick her up every Friday night."

hmmm 🤔 such a difficult problem to solve, I wonder..... hopefully someone else could come up with an idea......

Yes you're being pushovers.

Stop focusing on them staying in the bedroom and look at how they're both literally taking the piss out of you. Stop picking her up. Tell him that every weekend is too much and he can go to her house for a change and stop with the shop requests.

So what if he kicks off. Nip this in the bud now before you've got her full time.

Morning OP, I hope you managed to speak to DH. Time for ground rules I think. Speaking from being a mum of 2 boys 17 and 20, you need rules..
We have a no eating upstairs rule. All meals are consumed at the table.
If someone is buying food, you ask everyone else in the family if they want something.
At mealtimes, we talk about what we are doing the next day..you then have the opportunity to plan and join in.
School comes first. Only if homework and revision is done or at least there is a plan for when it will be done.. then socialising comes second.
It is difficult as they are teenagers and want privacy and were isolated for covid, but it is not healthy for him.

You and they also need to be aware of facilitating an accidental pregnancy.
Young teens are infamous for being careless with contraception. They forget to take the pill, take it at the wrong time, don't use condoms properly, etc etc.

I'm not so silly as to think they won't have sex somewhere else, but he is just 17. Condoning a weekend 'love in' you are increasing the risks of a pregnancy simply by giving them an opportunity for sex for 3 days a week.

At 17 my kids spent 1 night a week with groups of friends, working at weekend jobs, and studying.

I hope you and your husband can see sense and set some boundaries.

Explain to your husband that he’s being selfish putting his desire for a quiet life first over parenting your son.

Exactly. How times have changed. My parents would never have allowed this. They said if you want to behave like an adult then get your own place, pay your bills and then you can do what you want. We had to keep our heads down, focus on our education and not any serious relationships. Grateful for parents who prioritised that for us. A 17yo is a child playing grown up far too young. You should not be encouraging that.

It sounds like a very awkward situation. My daughter has selective mutism so I understand that some people find it hard to interact with others but at a friend's house she would still go downstairs where the other family members were, just wouldn't chat to them beyond a nod and smile or an occasional word or two.

Perhaps you could start by saying it's no longer OK to eat meals in the bedroom and they have to come downstairs to eat. Initially they could perhaps have their meals without the rest of you being in the same room and then you could gradually build up your presence?

Read the whole thread (up to 8:35am today before I started posting).

@DaffodilLill made a really good point, which struck me while I was still on page 2. What happens when the inevitable split comes around? This lady most probably is seeing the OP’s son’s bedroom as a refuge from her own home life.

The OP is right to be concerned about her son, who could very well be making choices now he regrets in the long run. I saw my best friend at secondary school, who had been very studious and was all set to study medicine at university, cock up AS-Levels after starting to hang around with a complete waster of a girl and her pals. It unfortunately doesn’t take long for things to derail with studies at that age.

OP’s husband’s outlook is very short-term and he is burying his head in the sand.
I think I’d be insisting the weekend long visits are cut to one overnight stay and not weekly. No more of this nonsense of salmon and olives or meals being eaten in the room either.
At the end of the day it’s OP’s and husband’s house. This lady and OP’s son need to respect that.

DS at 17 had a GF the same age, no way would I have tolerated this behaviour, I expected them down for dinner and to then clear up as I had cooked, which is what used to happen. They would ocasionally play a board game with us or watch tv but they did spend the majority of the time in his room. That was fine.

Set some expectation, .DS GF was not allowed to stay overnight till she was 18, set by her parents. I was quite pleased about that. Plus they had been dating for almost a year then. I have always said no random women back, has to be a proper GF that we meet.

Doesn’t sound like he has time to work

Does your son not have any friends and don’t they want to see him?

Could you get them to cook a family meal every weekend?

If they want food that is outside your normal family food shop on a regular basis, and especially if it increases your food budget, then they need to buy it not you.

is there a reason your DS doesn’t have part-time job? If he is hoping to go to uni most 17yo will be putting money aside to help fund their life at uni. I assume he isn’t sitting A-levels this year.