How should we handle our 17-year-old son's 19 YO girlfriend staying every weekend and never leaving his room!!!

[ThatTidyFawn]

Hi I have never posted before but really need some help and advice. My son is 17 and has his first girlfriend, she is 19, lives about 15 mins away from us went to a diff sixth form but they met on Snapchat. She comes on a Friday evening (we pick her up she doesn’t drive) and then usually leaves on a Monday morning. After she arrives on a Friday she never leaves my son’s room (apart from to go to the bathroom which she seems to try to ensure she does when no one is around). Initially my son said she was very shy and I understood but asked him to encourage her to come down, join in a bit etc. We would only be nice to her etc. It’s got worse if anything. My son comes down makes a ton of food for them both takes it back up. She never leaves the room and they basically spend all weekend in his room. It’s like we have a secret lodger! This has now been going on for a few months and just feel it’s a bizarre situation and that she needs to integrate a little bit with us if she wants to spend time here. My son takes my straighteners for her to use without asking and one day I needed them in the morning and knocked on his door and asked him to bring them out. He called just to come in which I did and they were both still in bed and she pulled the covers up over her head it was so awkward. They constantly order takeaways late at night and leave tons of food and packaging all over the room. We are constantly saying to bring things down after eating. My son sends me lists of things he’d like when I go to the shop and I know 80% of them are for her as most of it is stuff he doesn’t like eg smoked salmon, olives etc. I want to put my foot down and say it’s not continuing like this but my husband isn’t supportive of me taking a hard line approach and says does it really matter if they stay in his room. Although he agrees it’s not ideal, he hates confrontation and my son gets angry at us really easily so my husband doesn’t want to cause a row. I am also worried about my son’s A Levels as he wants to go to uni but since seeing her is hardly doing any work and his work is suffering. He goes to see her on a Monday and Tuesday evening (not overnight just for a few hours) and so there are only 2 evenings a week he’s not with her. It is so tricky to navigate and appreciate we have let it get to this but I kept hoping things would change. What do you think I should do? I am thinking of asking my sister to come over and mediate us talking to him as I don’t think he’d kick off in the same way if she is there.

You mentioned your son gets angry easily - I assume you’re avoiding this necessary conversation so as to not provoke an argument?

But yep, you’re not being unreasonable at all. I’m amazed they have the cheek to sit upstairs and send down their order for smoked salmon. I mean, come on OP, that’s crazy! She might be shy but this behaviour is just incredibly rude.

I don’t think you need to have a big confrontation but you can set some simple boundaries, for example, they must join you for at least one meal over the weekend and you expect her to try and engage with the family in some way. It’s bonkers that she’s using your home as a free hotel and won’t even talk to you.

I'd allow her to come for a family meal, or they buy the food they want and cook it together, then drive her home at the end of the evening if her own family can't pick her up. Or put her in the spare room.

17 year old sons having sex under my roof as 'part of the family' with a live-in girlfriend makes me cringe. No way.

One thing I have noticed from your posts OP is that you seem to be avoiding questions like “when does he see his DFriends”, “what about his hobbies” and “does he have a PT job”.

I’m suspecting that he does do any sport or hobby and has dropped his friends?

If so, that is really, really unhealthy. Do you and your DH see friends and have hobbies?

I’d look at taking him out at some point this week, somewhere neutral like a coffee shop. Ask him how he thinks his exams are going, if he’s thought about Uni, and what his plans are for the Summer.

Some of the Uni open days are open now, for instance Lancaster has one on 4th July.

Visiting Unis might make him start to think of life beyond his bedroom.

I’d also question what he’s doing over the Summer. Graduate apprenticeships, internships and Graduate jobs are becoming increasingly scarce. Out of my DC and the young people we know, you either get them through nepotism or by having a good work record. Employers no longer seem interested in people who have never worked. I do appreciate though that finding work over the summer can be difficult. Perhaps he could do a tour of the local pubs and restaurants to see if they need a glass collector or food runner? The local charity shops might need a volunteer one day a week?

And I’d also question him about contraception. If she’s nice and comfy in your home and it’s very low demand, I’d be worried about a baby.

My brothers did this 30 years ago, we barely saw the girlfriends

I bet your sons bedroom must absolutely reek 🤢

when do they ever exercise, OP? @ThatTidyFawn

I think if he is getting angry with you then your DH needs to have a word with him about how directing anger at Women is really not ok and talk to him about how he is becoming a man. If he wants to enjoy some of the privileges of being a man, he needs to think about the kind of man he wants to become and I’m assuming that’s not one that uses anger to control the people he loves?

If you have access to his bedroom when he is at college put fake mouse droppings around the edges of the room but don't mention them

I can't remember how you make them but I think it is rice based

That might then stop them eating in there all weekend

Do you have a separate room downstairs when they can eat alone like a separate dining room? Or is it all open planned?

Also, if they never go anywhere why did she need to use your straighteners?

I was incredibly shy and anxious as a teenager and never, ever behaved like this when I stayed over with any friends. What on earth did I just read??

She needs to eat whatever is in your regular food shopping. I’d stop asking your son if he needs anything buying, he’ll have to go with what’s available.

Are you all sure she’s 19? All this secrecy would honestly weird me out.

I think it’s wild rice that you use? I could be wrong though.

I think I would have gone batshit over the straighteners. It’s not the fact she asked your DS, it’s the fact that neither of them bothered to ask you! They are very much in CF territory.

You lost me at... and my son gets angry at us really easily
Seriously, dont let him bully you both. DH is being controlled by his fear!!!!!

Pick her up on Saturday rather than Friday. In the car inform them both that eating only occurs in the kitchen. Also inform her thst you will drive her home mid Sunday.

Encourage your son to get a part time job.

Have some weekends where DGF doesn't come over.

You are a walk over.
You are enabling your son to bhave like a dependant.

I can’t believe people who are saying this isn’t rude?!? This is literally the height of ill manners. There is absolutely no way on earth I would have had my mum pick my boyfriend up, demand she bought certain foods and then just not speak to her for a whole weekend. I’d have been out on my ear!!!

OP- this is so rude, you need to tell your son it stops.

Just one last thing, if she works in an afterschool club, does she work fulltime during the school holidays? Most of the afternoon school clubs around here offer full days when the DC aren’t in school. If she’s not working fulltime, is it because she’s claiming UC alongside her job and doesn’t want to work more hours?

It is rude and very disrespectful. I’d stop collecting her. If she does get dropped off on Fridays then I’d take her back on Saturdays, as Sunday is for revising. I would never buy special food for her! She can eat what you all eat! (Unless she was veggie or had an allergy). I wouldn’t allow food to be carried upstairs either! She can come eat with us like everyone else!

Only horizontally. 😂

@ThatTidyFawn So she's not working full time? What are her career plans? Do you ever speak to her?

After school clubs are exactly that. From 3-6pm.
Why at 19 is she not either at uni, doing an apprenticeship or in full time work?
She's a NEET I assume. (not in education, employment or training.)

After school clubs are not a career . Where I live a lot of 6th formers do that job after school.

What are her plans for a proper job?

There is no way your son will get his grades for uni if he is seeing her 5 nights a week (and almost 3 whole days at a weekend.)

You all need to face reality. My kids went to top 10 unis, (not a boast) and they studied for 2-3 hours every night in the 6th form and a whole day at a weekend.

What is yours hoping to do at uni?

In a nutshell he's a 17 year old lad being ruled by his hormones. It's all about sex and getting lots of it.

This sounds like a really unhealthy and bizarre relationship. Also, this could have a really detrimental impact on your DS’s future.

When my dd was that age she was doing homework/revising nearly every evening and for a big chunk of the weekend - particularly as it got closer to exams. How did your DS manage that???

As others said, he should also be playing sport, going to the gym or whatever other hobbies he has.

Hiding under the cover when you went into the room for your straighteners is beyond weird! I wouldn’t be buying food for her, or driving her around. You get those perks when you integrate into the family, not hiding in a bedroom.

She is an adult and needs to ask like it.

This is so rude.

Don’t pick her up.

Do not buy extra food.

I simply would not tolerate this. She’s bloody rude and expecting you to buy expensive snacks but doesn’t have the decency to engage? I’m sorry, there is absolutely no excuse for rudeness. It’s an absolute cheek and I think you should sit your son down and tell him that. No way would I be putting up with this nonsense and feeling uncomfortable in my own home!

Ignoring what he's actually doing, you have admitted that you want to ask your sister to come over in order to prevent him 'kicking off'.

Where is your husband/ his father in this?
He comes over as a wet lettuce, unable to control his son's behaviour as it's too much effort.

I wonder if that is why your son is allowed to behave like this and why you're all in fear of upsetting him?

Funny that, that was my first impression as well. It must absolutely stink of feet and BO if they're lounging in and out of bed for hours and days at a time without showering,.

I would stop collecting her on a friday evening and tell your son until she makes a bit of effort she needs to find her own way over and she’s only welcome to stay one night a week.

Modern kids are so over indulged. So what if she is a bit shy - the way you get over that is by taking small steps that are polite towards other people.

I have an autistic child with severe anxiety so I am very sympathetic to shy children/ teens (I know a lot of them) but it is just basic good manners if you are a regular guest to take part in the odd cup of tea/ meal/ conversation - ask how you are/ how's your week been.

You are doing your son and his girlfriend no favours by letting them hide away like this - I woulld start by saying she needs to say hello, display basic politeness and join in with the odd meal - I would expect the same of my son and daughter's friends and they are younger than this woman!

What jumps out for me is the passive nature of what happens in your home and the avoidance of any sort of boundary setting.

You need to tell your son that there are house rules and his guest needs to be aware of them or she can just stay home.

just as an example - if you are buying in nice foods for them - the absolute bare minimum of manners would be they come down, chat to you, say thank you and sometimes sit and eat with you. eating everything in a bedroom is gross - and texting to order food you never even thank someone for is just the worst manners ive ever heard !!

I'd start by saying right we eating together next weekend you can join for an hour - if she isn't capable of rhtat after all this time she can stop staying over.

I honestly worry for this generation - they are being allowed to avoid anything that makes them uncomfortable and never develop social skills.