How should we handle our 17-year-old son's 19 YO girlfriend staying every weekend and never leaving his room!!!

[ThatTidyFawn]

Hi I have never posted before but really need some help and advice. My son is 17 and has his first girlfriend, she is 19, lives about 15 mins away from us went to a diff sixth form but they met on Snapchat. She comes on a Friday evening (we pick her up she doesn’t drive) and then usually leaves on a Monday morning. After she arrives on a Friday she never leaves my son’s room (apart from to go to the bathroom which she seems to try to ensure she does when no one is around). Initially my son said she was very shy and I understood but asked him to encourage her to come down, join in a bit etc. We would only be nice to her etc. It’s got worse if anything. My son comes down makes a ton of food for them both takes it back up. She never leaves the room and they basically spend all weekend in his room. It’s like we have a secret lodger! This has now been going on for a few months and just feel it’s a bizarre situation and that she needs to integrate a little bit with us if she wants to spend time here. My son takes my straighteners for her to use without asking and one day I needed them in the morning and knocked on his door and asked him to bring them out. He called just to come in which I did and they were both still in bed and she pulled the covers up over her head it was so awkward. They constantly order takeaways late at night and leave tons of food and packaging all over the room. We are constantly saying to bring things down after eating. My son sends me lists of things he’d like when I go to the shop and I know 80% of them are for her as most of it is stuff he doesn’t like eg smoked salmon, olives etc. I want to put my foot down and say it’s not continuing like this but my husband isn’t supportive of me taking a hard line approach and says does it really matter if they stay in his room. Although he agrees it’s not ideal, he hates confrontation and my son gets angry at us really easily so my husband doesn’t want to cause a row. I am also worried about my son’s A Levels as he wants to go to uni but since seeing her is hardly doing any work and his work is suffering. He goes to see her on a Monday and Tuesday evening (not overnight just for a few hours) and so there are only 2 evenings a week he’s not with her. It is so tricky to navigate and appreciate we have let it get to this but I kept hoping things would change. What do you think I should do? I am thinking of asking my sister to come over and mediate us talking to him as I don’t think he’d kick off in the same way if she is there.

Yes I would naturally have been the same my parents would never have allowed me to have a boyfriend stay in my room at that age but my husband had a serious girlfriend when he was 15-18 and they regularly stayed over each others houses so he doesn’t see it as a problem.

What he did is not a blueprint for now.

I can't believe this.

Neither of my kids had girlfriends or boyfriends stay over, and the ones who did, they married.

Start parenting. It's crazy this girl is moving in for the weekend and your son is just 17.

I'd discuss the education angle with your DH and DS. Your DS can't risk his education to hang out with his gf as it could limit his future options and right now, the relationship IS affecting his studying, so things need to change before too much damage is done.

I'd also say that they need to eat at least one meal with you over the weekend. You're providing room and utilities for his gf when she's there so the least she can do is be polite enough to do this. If she can't, she doesn't need to stay. My two are 17 and 20 and there's no way I'd be allowing partners to stay who were so rude. A lot of lurking in their rooms, fine, but totally ignoring everyone is too much.

@DrumsPleaseFab While I agree that the pandemic did cause social anxiety for many teenagers, I don't think it helps anxious teens if all social norms, such as basic politeness when you're a guest in someone's house, are ignored. It just perpetuates the situation and long term, she's unlikely to be happy if she can't interact with anyone.

I agree. It is ridiculous.

I can’t figure out how this happens. The first night she stopped over, they both join the family for dinner. Your son presents a shopping list for the first time, you laugh and tell him he knows where the shop is.

Op that’s just grim. Staying in the bedroom for 3 days and not making an effort with you all is not normal or healthy. Even if the GF is shy it’s no excuse for bad manners (clearly not that shy as she’s requesting salmon and olives !).

My DS s girlfriend is often here but she comes for a chat , helps out, brings most of her own food and makes an effort, She has a few MH issues etc but doesnt use that as any excuse.

You're giving mixed messages. you're providing a taxi service, not saying anything about them remaining holed up in his room, despite the fact that you don't like what's happening. Just be clear. She can visit, but doesn't stay overnight. Stop the Friday night thing, she can visit on Saturday or Sunday, she can't stay overnight and she's responsible for getting herself there and back home again. It's 15 minutes away - she can take a bus, train, cab, walk, bike. If they want to spend two days together, your son can go over to her house. You and your husband need to speak up and set some boundaries. This is not about shyness - if she was that shy she would stay at home. They have a nice little set up, where you basically provide a taxi service plus bed and board, while they just take the piss.

Good point @YourWildAmberSloth , no more mixed messages, setting some clear boundaries will be more effective.

Why are you allowing this?

He says she is shy. Awww. To come to other people's houses and shack up in his room with him. Shy indeed. Why do you allow this circus?

Your parenting style appears to be 'line of least resistance'. That's not parenting in any meaningful sense and is a recipe for disaster, all because your husband doesn't like confrontation? It doesn't need to be a confrontation - it needs to be a discussion and a gentle but firm laying out of how things will be from now on. Start to parent your boy before this infatuation wrecks his grades, his friendships and his future.

Exactly @Feis123 , it sounds like CFery to me!

Tell your son you're not picking up this oddball on a Friday again unless she starts to get to know the rest of you. It's your house and your rules.

@Franpie I think your suggestions are spot on.

Hmm…what I would say is when I was 16/17 I stayed at my BFs house every weekend (and now looking back did eat their food without contributing - just had whatever they were having and made no shopping requests (however didn’t even think of the additional cost)) but the room thing is strange, I would kick about the house like it was my own 😂 e.g. got into the weekend “family” Saturday night TV routine, doing the last dog walk (which was just me and his mum)…

At 19 I used to stay over at my boyfriend's home every weekend. I lived 30 miles from him, and I didn't drive, so he'd pick me up on a Friday and take me home on a Sunday night. We weren't allowed to share a room, but would spend some time in his room but was mostly out. I always spoke to his parents, we'd occasionally eat with them, I used to bring them a box of chocolates/flowers etc for allowing me to stay and thank them. I was also shy and lacked confidence but that didn't stop me from being polite and respectful.

Your son's girlfriend is rude, it's that simple. She avoids you and your husband, doesn't speak to you, doesn't interact even on a basic level but clearly thinks it's OK request nice food when you go shopping, via your son!!!

You need to speak to your husband, but from the angle of you are concerned about your son's grades. He's not studying, and you are worried his grades will slip. I think you need to reduce how long the girlfriend stays over...1 night is more reasonable. At the end of the day, your son is relying on you or your husband to pick his girlfriend up, so he has no choice but to go along with your rules!! You hold all the aces, not your son. If he shouts/yells etc, then it shows that he's not mature enough to have a serious girlfriend!

This has got to be a joke post. You just say no OP, no overnight stays, no ordering takeaways and eating upstairs, no rubbish left over, no lifts and certainly not smoked salmon.

Lord. Is that what you took from this? Obviously one of the stupid 5% who thought the op was unreasonable.

I'd pick your battles here. It's not ideal but I wouldn't make a big thing out of it. They're both young, it's unlikely to last long.

i wouldn’t allow this in my house - she’s being mega rude!

That’s a good point. She would have to interact with kids and parents

I had the social skills of a nit when I was that age. Visiting my boyfriend’s house filled me with anxiety, I really hated it. I also had a rubbish up bringing so I can sympathise with her on that. It’s very difficult when you have low self esteem/social anxiety. However I would never have asked for his parents to buy me food items etc.

I would just start knocking and entering the room and making small talk with her, ‘How are you? How’s your week been? How’s studying going?’ Don’t invite her down or anything just keep it minimal. Of course it’s annoying for you, but your son is going to be stuck between a rock and a hard place if you go in heavy. Good luck!

What bigger battles are there to fight at this point - the OP's son is in what most would consider a very dysfuntional relationship, whose dynamics are affecting his educatikn, his wider friendships, his relationship with his family and seemingly, his access to sunlight, fresh air and exercise. For a 17 year old, these are really bloody high stakes. The OP can't have a role to play in encouraging him out of it, but she can bloody well stop facilitating this insanity as she has been doing. I have a 19 year old son and it is unthinkable that a situaton like this would have unfolded in the last few years, he wouldn't dare disrespect me or our home like that.

I totally agree with this. I wouldn’t be enabling this relationship OP. Is your son serious about going to university?

I agree with this. I would also wonder why she isn’t getting an Uber.

We allowed one boy to stay over a couple of times recently. Dd has known him for years and I thought it was going to blossom into a full relationship, but it didn’t. Dh and I decided he wouldn’t be staying again until it is. This is our home. Dd is year 13 and sitting A levels. We won’t be allowing it again for a while with him or anyone. And next time there will be a lot more ground rules.

You need to be protecting your ds, his education and his mental wellbeing.

You said you wanted her to come downstairs and integrate and join in? That's you wanting her attention.
I think you're projecting all the problems on the girlfriend instead of your son. It's not surprising he went for the quiet girl lacking confidence when his own parents are scared of challenging him, DH not wanting to do it at all and you wanting another family member there when you talk to him so he doesn't "kick off".