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Teenagers

Parenting teenagers has its ups and downs. Get advice from Mumsnetters here.

Original poster

My whole family is miserable because of our teenage son

594 replies

Wherehaveigonewrong29384 · 01/12/2025 08:24

My son is 15. For his whole life he has always liked to try and control situations, have his opinion on everything and have the last word . To balance this out he was funny, entertaining and very loving.
Now as a teen the nice parts have disappeared and he is now just horrible to be around. We are at our wits end with him.
We have tried very hard to be calm, look at things from his point of view, have firm boundaries etc but things have deteriorated and we now at the point where son and dad can't stand each other, im in the middle, daughter on the sidelines.
On top of this he does absolutely nothing even when asked (chores etc) yet expects constant money, lifts, pay for his phone, demands clothes/ items /haircuts every week.
Further to this he is not doing well at school. Has a terrible attitude and is on report constantly. Of course we then have to put in consequences which then makes his moods /arguments even worse to live with.
He goes out with his mates every spare moment he has. This is one area that we dont have to worry about as is not a trouble maker out of the house and has a good group of friends, he is usually back on time mostly, but he is out an extreme amount of time. When hes out of the house , the house is calm. As soon as he comes in the atmosphere changes, im on high alert waiting for the argument that will inevitably happen over something. Son has said he goes out because he hates being with us and at home, but what he means is hate having to somewhere there is rules and consequences. We have tried to give our kids a wonderful life, amazing holidays, they have everything they want, a lovely large home, and I feel like a mug. My daughter is such a grateful person and he is such a selfish person.
I am so so tired of it all. My husband says like he feels like giving up doesnt want a relationship with him anymore other than providing his basics. (He's just spent 1k on him for xmas). I feel completely worn out by it all and dread him coming home.
My poor daughter who is 12 is a lovely young lady who has to listen to this all the time. She used to have a good close relationship with her brother but hes withdrawn from her too which really upsets her.
Dont know where to go from here, I was going to separate from my husband over it because I felt he was too harsh on him and to stop all the arguments. I've always stuck up for my son. But now im seeing it for what it really is and it is my son thats the issue .

OP posts:
Thistlewoman · 03/12/2025 00:16

Wherehaveigonewrong29384 · 01/12/2025 08:24

My son is 15. For his whole life he has always liked to try and control situations, have his opinion on everything and have the last word . To balance this out he was funny, entertaining and very loving.
Now as a teen the nice parts have disappeared and he is now just horrible to be around. We are at our wits end with him.
We have tried very hard to be calm, look at things from his point of view, have firm boundaries etc but things have deteriorated and we now at the point where son and dad can't stand each other, im in the middle, daughter on the sidelines.
On top of this he does absolutely nothing even when asked (chores etc) yet expects constant money, lifts, pay for his phone, demands clothes/ items /haircuts every week.
Further to this he is not doing well at school. Has a terrible attitude and is on report constantly. Of course we then have to put in consequences which then makes his moods /arguments even worse to live with.
He goes out with his mates every spare moment he has. This is one area that we dont have to worry about as is not a trouble maker out of the house and has a good group of friends, he is usually back on time mostly, but he is out an extreme amount of time. When hes out of the house , the house is calm. As soon as he comes in the atmosphere changes, im on high alert waiting for the argument that will inevitably happen over something. Son has said he goes out because he hates being with us and at home, but what he means is hate having to somewhere there is rules and consequences. We have tried to give our kids a wonderful life, amazing holidays, they have everything they want, a lovely large home, and I feel like a mug. My daughter is such a grateful person and he is such a selfish person.
I am so so tired of it all. My husband says like he feels like giving up doesnt want a relationship with him anymore other than providing his basics. (He's just spent 1k on him for xmas). I feel completely worn out by it all and dread him coming home.
My poor daughter who is 12 is a lovely young lady who has to listen to this all the time. She used to have a good close relationship with her brother but hes withdrawn from her too which really upsets her.
Dont know where to go from here, I was going to separate from my husband over it because I felt he was too harsh on him and to stop all the arguments. I've always stuck up for my son. But now im seeing it for what it really is and it is my son thats the issue .

Long shot here-he's not engaging with incel websites is he? That can encourage disrespectful behaviour towards female family members... and their male partners.
I fully accept that I may be way off the mark here though, so apologies if that's the case.

Sam9769 · 03/12/2025 01:05

bumblebee1000 · 02/12/2025 19:39

you have spoilt him...my father would lock us in the transit van if we behaved like your son....and he did at times !!...get tough.

This!

Pryceosh1987 · 03/12/2025 02:21

Its teenage charm. When we are teenagers we are the hardest to deal with naturally. I was the same with my family, until i reached early 20s. Try meditation with him, you must give him something that lowers his stress and emotional levels.

Beenwhereyouareagain · 03/12/2025 02:34

Instead of being so generous with gifts and money, use it instead to get him private Mental Health treatment. You feel something is wrong- use those instincts and get your son the help you all really need him to have.

Bibs23456 · 03/12/2025 06:17

get him a job. Washing pots, delivering paper, washing cars anything. Give him some purpose, let him earn his own money so he can learn the value in it. Stop letting him out with his mates all the time, if he is rude then give him a consequence. My parents use to tell us our pocket money was £30 each month and every time we were rude or misbehaving they took £2.00 off. We didn’t misbehave for long.

you also need to look at school. If he is struggling with the authority elements then there is not much you can do BUT normally behaviour like this is down to struggling elsewhere. Check in with his teachers.

you also need to consider how you are approaching him, no yelling or cross words, always best to sit up to the table and make sure you are making eye contact. I would start with “we are worried about the direction you are heading in, we love you very much and want to support you if you are struggling” that way you are expressing emotions and offering support.

also check his phone/laptop etc, some of this behaviour could be being caused by what he is seeing online. Ask for his phone if he says no there is a good chance he is hiding something.

best of luck x

FletchFan · 03/12/2025 06:56

Pryceosh1987 · 03/12/2025 02:21

Its teenage charm. When we are teenagers we are the hardest to deal with naturally. I was the same with my family, until i reached early 20s. Try meditation with him, you must give him something that lowers his stress and emotional levels.

Yea good luck with that 🤣🤣

Liondoesntsleepatnight · 03/12/2025 06:59

Can you go away for a few days over Christmas and observe how your DS behaves when he is away from the local friends? I think that they are a big influence on him and behind some of the issues.

Birlngsnotnicepeople · 03/12/2025 07:57

He doesn't have a good role model for how to act as a man

Same applies to many people. They don't get weekly hair cuts and 1k for Christmas. They do OK.

JustMe2026 · 03/12/2025 08:06

Spoilt kid and you made him like that. Don't moan about how much you spend on him then expect him to stay nice. You can't buy affection. He is 15 your the parents get a grip consequences and stick to them. If he plays up no electrical devices, if he plays up no going out etc

crackofdoom · 03/12/2025 08:57

ApplebyArrows · 02/12/2025 19:49

It's not abuse to minimise talking to someone who is being horrible to you! If a colleague or neighbour or flatmate was having "nasty outbursts" you'd stop talking to them as much as possible, wouldn't you? Nobody would call that abusive.

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I agree.

My DS can be absolutely maddening. When I read the advice on MN about "sitting them down and talking to them" I would think "What planet are they on? He'll just talk right over me!" If I send him a text explaining my feelings/ laying out consequences he'll just go "Too long, cba to read that".

Literally, the only way I have regained control has been to go on strike and give him the silent treatment until such point as he will sit down and agree to listen to me (which takes days, sometimes).

The alternative is that he winds me up (and by this I mean calling me names, swearing at me, bullying his brother, throwing his weight around, defying every boundary I set) until I crack and end up screaming at him. Which is what he really wants, obviously. The silent treatment takes all that power away from him.

Interestingly, since I have started this tactic his behaviour has improved, meaning we're getting on a lot better.

Timeforabitofpeace · 03/12/2025 09:33

Pryceosh1987 · 03/12/2025 02:21

Its teenage charm. When we are teenagers we are the hardest to deal with naturally. I was the same with my family, until i reached early 20s. Try meditation with him, you must give him something that lowers his stress and emotional levels.

Just imagine! A recalcitrant teenager is never going to do that!

RedDeer · 03/12/2025 09:46

I would look into PDA profile as well. My 10 year old DD has it. DD has caused so much stress in our house (coming across as spoiled, controlling, aggressive ect).
Lately I've been learning about low demand parenting style with her. (Not to be confused with passive parenting). And I'm seeing some more flexibility, co-operation with her.

However its one of those things that both parents need to be on board with. My husband is starting to see that this method might be the way forward with her. Seeing some small improvements. (They can be as stubborn as each other, it wasn't getting us anywhere, only making things worse).

IMustDoMoreExercise · 03/12/2025 10:06

ArseInTheCoOpWindow · 02/12/2025 22:18

😲

I think it’s fine to dislike behaviour. But not to withdraw love. Love should always be on tap.

And love isn’t the same as letting someone misbehave.

Edited
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But the OP is allowing him to misbehave. He can do whatever he wants and still get £1,000 worth of presents as he knows his mum will always love him!

Thatsalineallright · 03/12/2025 10:09

IMustDoMoreExercise · 03/12/2025 10:06

But the OP is allowing him to misbehave. He can do whatever he wants and still get £1,000 worth of presents as he knows his mum will always love him!

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Yes, I think the real question is what does "unconditional love" look like?

I think parents should love their children, but loving them means saying "no" and putting reasonable boundaries in place. Giving them 1000 pounds worth of Christmas presents isn't a sign of love if by doing so you're reinforcing bad behaviour that will ultimately make their life more difficult.

ArseInTheCoOpWindow · 03/12/2025 10:10

IMustDoMoreExercise · 03/12/2025 10:06

But the OP is allowing him to misbehave. He can do whatever he wants and still get £1,000 worth of presents as he knows his mum will always love him!

Show quote history

So are you saying it’s fine not to love unconditionally?

You can still use boundaries and stuff with unconditional love. And you can dislike. But not to love is wrong.

SnowFrogJelly · 03/12/2025 10:13

1k on Xmas presents is far too much

IMustDoMoreExercise · 03/12/2025 10:30

ArseInTheCoOpWindow · 03/12/2025 10:10

So are you saying it’s fine not to love unconditionally?

You can still use boundaries and stuff with unconditional love. And you can dislike. But not to love is wrong.

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Of course it isn't wrong. If your son does some heinous act, it is perfectly acceptable not to love him.

The OP's son hasn't done anything that bad yet, but if she carries on with this unconditional love rubbish then he might well do.

Doteycat · 03/12/2025 10:34

Reading some of these replies its no wonder our young people are in such turmoil.
Love should never be withdrawn. There is something seriously wrong with people who a: do this and b: think its ok and normal.
Its not. Its dreadful. Shameful.
The worst of parenting is to withdraw love.
Ye can all tell yourselves you are right, most bullies do, but you are not.
To withdraw love is the worst of parenting.

ArseInTheCoOpWindow · 03/12/2025 10:42

IMustDoMoreExercise · 03/12/2025 10:30

Of course it isn't wrong. If your son does some heinous act, it is perfectly acceptable not to love him.

The OP's son hasn't done anything that bad yet, but if she carries on with this unconditional love rubbish then he might well do.

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I’m not sure you can turn love on and off like that. It’s too instinctive.

You can turn like on and off.

lolawasashitgirl · 03/12/2025 10:49

I’ve just started reading this thread - will go back and read more shortly but one of the best suggestions I had (from here) was to get a PT for my teenager.

It worked as it gave agency to them and gave a role model that wasn’t a parent/relative or teacher.

obviously wasn’t cheap but actually felt like a good investment.

Gossipisgood · 03/12/2025 11:24

By giving in to him you're enabling his behaviour. Stop giving him money unless he earns it by doing a few chores. Stop the lifts. If he wants a lift give him a compromise, wash up/tidy your room & I'll give you a lift. Let him know you're not putting up with his behaviour any more & things will have to change if he wants half of what he's been getting. Try having a chat at a clam time about how he's making you all feel & suggest you have a family meal together at least once a week to catch up & talk about things he's doing or for your Daughter to have a relationship with her Brother again. Hopefully it's just a phase he's going through. Most teens do go through a selfish, sell centred stage at his age.

RosaMundi27 · 03/12/2025 12:15

Wherehaveigonewrong29384 · 02/12/2025 15:08

I will try everything suggested here but my issue is between son and husband. I feel if thst could improve then everything else would improve.
Son is a teenager dealing with things his own way but husband is a grown man who I feel should want to try and improve their relationship instead of saying he doesnt care any more. He makes it painfully obvious he prefers our daughter and tells our son to his face that he dislikes him. I think this contributes to everything massively , which is why I over compensate and was even willing to go so far as to separate

Is it worth wrecking your marriage because you always want to be the "good guy"?

Doteycat · 03/12/2025 12:18

RosaMundi27 · 03/12/2025 12:15

Is it worth wrecking your marriage because you always want to be the "good guy"?

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THATS what you took from this?

Coffeedayssss · 03/12/2025 12:29

OP, so your husband is emotionally abusing your son and the vicious negative cycle continues.

It explains so much.
You have a teenager and a manchild husband who refuses to parent in an adult way.

It is hard when your children are difficult during the teenage years but as parents we sometimes have to swallow our justifiable annoyance and be the adult in the situation.

I know, because I had this situation with my son.

Its not easy but it has to be done.
Your son is really struggling and your husbands relentless negativity is shattering his delicate self esteem.

I couldn't live with a man so selfish as to refuse to engage like that.

He sounds like an utter moron.
Perhaps splitting would be wise.
He is doing permanent damage to your son.

RosaMundi27 · 03/12/2025 16:31

Doteycat · 03/12/2025 12:18

THATS what you took from this?

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No, I posted earlier in the thread too.
OP is coming across like an enabler. Husband is at the end of his tether, but yeah let's give awful kid endless lifts, money and "understanding". Son will leave in a few years and what then?