My whole family is miserable because of our teenage son

[Wherehaveigonewrong29384]

My son is 15. For his whole life he has always liked to try and control situations, have his opinion on everything and have the last word . To balance this out he was funny, entertaining and very loving.
Now as a teen the nice parts have disappeared and he is now just horrible to be around. We are at our wits end with him.
We have tried very hard to be calm, look at things from his point of view, have firm boundaries etc but things have deteriorated and we now at the point where son and dad can't stand each other, im in the middle, daughter on the sidelines.
On top of this he does absolutely nothing even when asked (chores etc) yet expects constant money, lifts, pay for his phone, demands clothes/ items /haircuts every week.
Further to this he is not doing well at school. Has a terrible attitude and is on report constantly. Of course we then have to put in consequences which then makes his moods /arguments even worse to live with.
He goes out with his mates every spare moment he has. This is one area that we dont have to worry about as is not a trouble maker out of the house and has a good group of friends, he is usually back on time mostly, but he is out an extreme amount of time. When hes out of the house , the house is calm. As soon as he comes in the atmosphere changes, im on high alert waiting for the argument that will inevitably happen over something. Son has said he goes out because he hates being with us and at home, but what he means is hate having to somewhere there is rules and consequences. We have tried to give our kids a wonderful life, amazing holidays, they have everything they want, a lovely large home, and I feel like a mug. My daughter is such a grateful person and he is such a selfish person.
I am so so tired of it all. My husband says like he feels like giving up doesnt want a relationship with him anymore other than providing his basics. (He's just spent 1k on him for xmas). I feel completely worn out by it all and dread him coming home.
My poor daughter who is 12 is a lovely young lady who has to listen to this all the time. She used to have a good close relationship with her brother but hes withdrawn from her too which really upsets her.
Dont know where to go from here, I was going to separate from my husband over it because I felt he was too harsh on him and to stop all the arguments. I've always stuck up for my son. But now im seeing it for what it really is and it is my son thats the issue .

I will try everything suggested here but my issue is between son and husband. I feel if thst could improve then everything else would improve.
Son is a teenager dealing with things his own way but husband is a grown man who I feel should want to try and improve their relationship instead of saying he doesnt care any more. He makes it painfully obvious he prefers our daughter and tells our son to his face that he dislikes him. I think this contributes to everything massively , which is why I over compensate and was even willing to go so far as to separate

OP there's a book called 10 days to a less defiant child, which you might find helpful. It helped me calm down a lot and not take the poor behaviour so personally, and to see things from his point of view better. For mine, another few years of growing up has made all the difference

This explains your son's behaviour a lot.

I recognise every single trait you describe, as will many many parents of teenage boys.
My rather vague advice is try to step back whenever you can. Don't engage. Don't criticise. Don't reason. Just step back.
You are parenting well enough. He has a roof, he is clothed, fed, educated. We don't have to like our kids, they don't have to like us. Of course it helps, but stop beating yourself up.
It will turn out fine after he has grown up.
Ride it out by stepping back, then come back in 5 years to tell us about the decent young man he's grown into.
Sorry, I know that doesn't help you now.
But you honestly are not alone in this.

Your DH is wrong to tell him to his face that he dislikes him, that's bang out of order.

He might prefer your daughter just now because she's 12 and relatively compliant but wait until her hormones kick in and she's a defiant 14 yr old... the tables will turn.

I actually think that your DH saying openly about disliking him is not such a bad thing. It's a reality check if nothing else and an important lesson. If you treat people like shit (which he does) then you won't be liked.
At 15 this is exactly what he needs to learn.
Obviously I wouldn't condone speaking like that to say, a six year old.

Ugh.

In the context of a strong, loving father son relationship that might be true. But if he's grown up with years of disapproval and being told he's a disappointment then I think its terribly damaging.

Absolutely. Ugh. Felt sick reading that post.

The definition of insanity is repeating the same thing g over again and expecting different results. Your dh is like this-and you have my sympathy married to someone who acts like this. It’s very rigid fixed behaviour, this My Way or The Highway which is causing much of the problem. Can you insist your dh comes to therapy? I know parents should present a united front but I wouldn’t be able to do that. My ex husband used to fly off the handle with what he saw as ‘disrespect’-I used to tell him it’s not disrespect-it’s a different opinion. Your son must find it difficult being heard with such a father-who may have great qualities but is not handling this well.

Well, I think showing someone unconditional love to someone is asking for problems and can create a monster just like you have done with your son.

Have you told him that your love is unconditional? If so, then of course he carries on as he does bc he know that you will always love him (even in reality you hate him).

My husband's ex also created a monster (my stepson) bc of her unconditional love rubbish.

I teach teenage boys, and before I read your update I knew it would be something to do with his relationship with his father. I’m currently dealing with a male student, same age, same behaviours, with exactly the same kind of father as your DH. Mum overcompensates and the whole thing is a mess.

From a school’s perspective, we are trying to channel him into hobbies that he likes. He enjoys kickboxing and he’s now joined a boxing club that does extra curricular lessons at the school. This has really improved his confidence and we’ve noticed his behaviour at school improving a lot.

Is there something that your DS really likes? You mentioned changing hobbies a lot, but have any of them stuck? He needs to find his confidence and build his self esteem.

Unfortunately, unless your DH has a massive change of heart, there isn’t much that can be done on the home front I’m afraid.

Have you considered a parenting coach? Maybe your DH would be more open to that? The idea is it's very solutions based. E.g. parents say their child swears at them when asked to go to bed. Parenting coach gives tips to deal with that specific situation. They don't have to meet the child and don't normally delve into background stuff, so maybe easier for your DH to handle than a therapist.

ETA: it might also be easier if the advice comes from an external 3rd party instead of you.

OP I want to say a massive positive is that your ds has plenty of friends. I would say this indicates that he is fun for people to be around with great social skills?

I think you are spot on getting him to do his own washing; is there anything else he could do?

My ds now 23 was socially anxious and morose at 15 with few friends. He didn't go out. He's picked himself up and works hard these days; even though the circumstances are very different there is light at the end of the tunnel.

The lack of engagement at school - could this be worry about what he's going to do in 6th form? He maybe thinks but doesn't voice that if he disengages and doesn't try he avoids facing disappointment as he wasn't engaged anyway - I'm just speculating here.

Hope it works out

@movinghomeadvice great post, I hope school can help the OPs ds. I was told my ds went under the radar as he was so quiet but some teachers noticed his engagement academically.

😲😲love for children should be unconditional, otherwise they learn the world is an unsafe place. It should be even more unconditional for troubled children.

Sounds like the df is a big problem here. The issue of 2 males locking horns.

Rigid fixed behaviour is also symptomatic of ND. And ND is inherited.

SO bang out of order I cant even believe it.
I wouldnt have that, id go bananas at DH. What a shitty thing to do and say.
Has he no self respect? Thats the best he can do as a parent? Really?
Id be having serious words with him, hes either part of the solution or hes part of the problem. Right now, its obvious which he is.
That is dreadful behaviour from him.
your DS is a teen, a troubled unhappy one, and your DH, a grown ass man, cant handle it? How weak he must be, and Id be telling him.
UGH.

You are so wrong its breathtaking.
I will ALWAYS side with my child over DH, esp if DH is being embarrassingly bad as a parent, which this father is now.
Jesus wept wtf is wrong with some people.

I know, it’s terrifying. Imagine being the child of that!

On the issue of unconditional love.

Lesson 7 in the NVR programme, which has saved many a family

Session 7 - Acts of Reconciliation These are small, unconditional gestures that show love is not withdrawn, even when behaviours must stop. Backed by your network, this clear boundary marks a turning point in your journey.

LOVE IS NOT WITHDRAWN

Op I've not read the thread beyond your post but i don't believe in consequences for school work . Like a punishment.

Go for motivation and rewards first and working out why he's not doing well. Have you heard there is a typical dive in attainment at secondary school .
Could be overwhelming , undiagnosed Sen...scared to do well...bad atmosphere in school ...etc etc.. get to the bottom of the problem rather than punishing the problem

Yes, I’d focus on rewards and not punishments.

I feel like your Mothers instincts are right here . It is your DH that is the problem with being so stubborn and pig headed.

That's really unhelpful then!

Does your son have any other, preferably male, role models, who will praise good behaviour? Sports coach, uncle, grandfather, tutor? Someone he respects?