My whole family is miserable because of our teenage son

[Wherehaveigonewrong29384]

My son is 15. For his whole life he has always liked to try and control situations, have his opinion on everything and have the last word . To balance this out he was funny, entertaining and very loving.
Now as a teen the nice parts have disappeared and he is now just horrible to be around. We are at our wits end with him.
We have tried very hard to be calm, look at things from his point of view, have firm boundaries etc but things have deteriorated and we now at the point where son and dad can't stand each other, im in the middle, daughter on the sidelines.
On top of this he does absolutely nothing even when asked (chores etc) yet expects constant money, lifts, pay for his phone, demands clothes/ items /haircuts every week.
Further to this he is not doing well at school. Has a terrible attitude and is on report constantly. Of course we then have to put in consequences which then makes his moods /arguments even worse to live with.
He goes out with his mates every spare moment he has. This is one area that we dont have to worry about as is not a trouble maker out of the house and has a good group of friends, he is usually back on time mostly, but he is out an extreme amount of time. When hes out of the house , the house is calm. As soon as he comes in the atmosphere changes, im on high alert waiting for the argument that will inevitably happen over something. Son has said he goes out because he hates being with us and at home, but what he means is hate having to somewhere there is rules and consequences. We have tried to give our kids a wonderful life, amazing holidays, they have everything they want, a lovely large home, and I feel like a mug. My daughter is such a grateful person and he is such a selfish person.
I am so so tired of it all. My husband says like he feels like giving up doesnt want a relationship with him anymore other than providing his basics. (He's just spent 1k on him for xmas). I feel completely worn out by it all and dread him coming home.
My poor daughter who is 12 is a lovely young lady who has to listen to this all the time. She used to have a good close relationship with her brother but hes withdrawn from her too which really upsets her.
Dont know where to go from here, I was going to separate from my husband over it because I felt he was too harsh on him and to stop all the arguments. I've always stuck up for my son. But now im seeing it for what it really is and it is my son thats the issue .

It's not abuse to minimise talking to someone who is being horrible to you! If a colleague or neighbour or flatmate was having "nasty outbursts" you'd stop talking to them as much as possible, wouldn't you? Nobody would call that abusive.

I am astounded CAMHS are fobbing you off. This is my son to a T! He is AUDHD and has PDA traits, I am also (similar term is ODD if just ADHD but in my opinion it’s one and the same, and a high percentage of people with ADHD/ADD also are autistic - Don’t get me started on why the deficit shouldn’t be in the explanation because there is no deficit whatever…it’s the opposite! ). It pisses me off when they say “he just has anxiety”…yes as does pretty much every person that is autistic and ADHD or both 🤦🏻‍♀️ strange coincidence huh! Once we understood PDA, we got a much better grip on why our son tries to control everything. He is 13 and we have a younger son who is autistic with high support needs and also has PDA traits.

I would say push back as hard as you can with CAMHS and explain this is ruining his life and any relationship he has with his family and you need support. If the counselling hasn’t helped then it’s evidence that they are wrong with their diagnosis. Yes some of this will be characteristic of his age, but the extremes to which he goes and how he demands control I absolutely can identify with and see in my son all of the time.

But the world is an unsafe place and the sooner that kids realise this the better otherwise they will be in danger.

I mean they will never feel secure or safe emotionally.

It is to your own child.

He is in the wrong. You know he is because you were willing to leave him at one point. Do you think his parenting style has led to this in some way? Maybe look up PDA and ADHD? All the professionals through Camhs know nothing, they are stuck in the past. My Mum stopped washing out clothes at 13. That's something I would stop doing. Also I would reign in the spending. This whole crowd of boys seem completely spoilt. He will be 18 soon enough, then hopefully he will figure things out.

What a load of rubbish. OP has been very clear about the good qualities he used to have.

Some teens are just extremely difficult!

Although, I have just seen the update. Maybe the dad is part of the problem then.

Within a family, with the parent child power dynamic, yes, its abusive.

Quite a few of us have mentioned PDA. I am mentioning it again because it could very well be that CAMHS simply haven't picked it up. My elder daughter went to CAMHS for years and they only picked up that she was autistic aged 15. A lot of it can be hidden when they are younger.

People with PDA are often supposedly highly sociable. Their area of extreme interest is often other people rather than the obsession with objects which characterises ordinary autism. This can make them seem really sociable but often there is a lack of authenticity to it and problems start to appear in their friendships.

They don't understand authority and they don't talk to adults in what many adults would consider to be a respectful way (my brother and my PDA daughter recently fell out over exactly this).

Could your husband be on the spectrum too?

Just some thoughts.

Your DH is a massive part of the issue, bloody awful bloke. He needs to grow up and parent in an adult manner. Rebuild the bond with DS.

Everything is abuse and everybody has additional needs. It's madness.

I don't think backing off and being a bit quiet is abuse. The pendulum has swung too far in one direction here.

Child struggling at school, acts out to mask that as sub consciously would rather be seen as 'naughty' than 'stupid'. Child then comes home and also always in trouble, cant do anything right, sister perfect at everything and never in trouble and child sees parents fawning over perfect daughter. Son feels that Dad clearly feels he's a dissapointment as a son...exacerbated by fact dad has thrown lots of money at child (and sister) and expects child to appreciate and be grateful (when child has known no different, so is the norm). Child doesn't act how dad wants, so child clearly even more of a disapointment to dad, who no doubt is very successful in job, life etc so child(in his head) knows he can never live up to dad's expectations and success... dad not around much and when around distracted and not really 'present". Child acts out - as might as well reinforce everyone's view of him. Everyone dislikes him and is disappointed in him anyway... crap at school and crap at home.

Sounds like dad needs to 'man up' and address his behaviour and connection with son...

I feel sorry for poor son - he's only young and got hormones raging. He doesn't have a good role model for how to act as a man.

Sorry you are going through this OP. One of mine has been quite difficult. I found 13 to 15 the worst. It does get better.....its a very difficult age and it's hard for them these days with lots of pressures. School doesnt suit all kids and they can be quite toxic places. Hand on in there.

I would leave my husband over his treatment of this boy. It’s so toxic

Unconditional love is fine for most children, but for some (like the OP's son and one of my step-son's), it is just asking for trouble.

The OP's son has carte blanche to do whatever he wants bc he knows his mum will always love him so who can blame him acting like he does?

I honestly feel that unless people have experienced dealing with a challenging child who becomes the centre of the family ( for all the wrong reasons ) and disrupts relationships and causes chaos , they can’t have any idea how conflicting it is. It’s hard to dislike your child , even though you love them . It’s hard when you prefer the “easier” child and to be glad when the other one is out so you can enjoy the peace. It’s also painful to feel so guilty for those feelings that you overcompensate and feel out of control in parenting . It’s annoying when consequences have no effect and disheartening when you just give in to what they want because you have no fight left in you . I really feel for you because l know all those feelings too. He may be neurodivergent? My son has ADHD and there is a lot of information around parenting which it based - not on changing them - but changing your reactions to de-escalate rather than adding to the drama. He could also just been an extremely selfish teenager , but l think the principles of the courses / info is just as helpful . Good luck ..it’s hard .

😲

I think it’s fine to dislike behaviour. But not to withdraw love. Love should always be on tap.

And love isn’t the same as letting someone misbehave.

Husband isn't willing to help in anyway way, won't go to therapy, wont praise, wont help with school work, wont try and talk to him, nothing.so it all falls on me

I won’t lie. We’ve had some very rocky patches with our DC2 and it’s been hard to get DH to understand their needs but he's tried and things are much better. We have almost split up a few times.

If he’s prepared to not have a relationship with DS at all I think you have to take him at his word. I could not live with a Man who treated his own child so appallingly. If DH doesn’t want that relationship then I think you have to choose DS and not DH.

This must be a joke!

I know! Honestly some people have very unlucky children. Their parents don’t even know basic pyschology.

Thank you for replying, I honestly didn't know, so this makes perfect sense now 💕

Stop all the confrontation ignore him. Give his behaviour no oxygen. No fighting. Just stay calm. He needs a therapist He can connect with. His behaviour is a cry for help. He isint one bit happy. He is a brat but he is your brat.

I read your update OP
While it’s lovely to clear the air it solves nothing. Please dig deeper and think about permanent solutions instead of putting a band aid on for now.