Help? Need brutal honest advice.

[Chel14]

Daughter is 14.

just us for 10 years. Good life.

i was in abusive relationship, destroyed me, her, us. Changed our life.

long story short, I was in mental hospital, she had to stay with maternal grandmother, when we reconnected I wasn’t me. She didn’t receive the same love affection care effort as before.

•appreciate massively how fucking horrific this must have been for a 10 year old. Do not diminish this statement•

however

2 years, 1 relationship, mounds of professionals throwing help her way, school transfers, allowance of poor behaviour, to extreme levels later, I am unable to cope. She is literally ruining any remaining salvageable part of our relationship, ruining her entire life, ruining my relationship with my genuine love of my life, any chance she or I have at happiness. Can’t even ask how did ur day go without it ending in literal tears on my part because of the hatred, brutality and lack of respect or empathy for anyone she displays!
she treats everyone and everyone like less than, unworthy pieces of shit! Treats my partners children like shit, has recorded herself talking to teachers in school in a way I am still shocked about. Complete lack of any good quality right now. No joke. It’s THAT bad. Wish I could tell you it all.

caught her on FaceTime vaping once. Still denies it to this day. I saw it? Close enough to see the flavour? Still denies to my face.

we live alone. Things will go missing or be left out and she will try manipulate my mental health to make me believe it has nothing to do with her. It is scary. Makes up stories to other people that are nowhere near true. Scary.

i recovered so well. Went back to college, got a job. New relationship. New lease on life. Not me again, but better.

she is driving me into the ground. Hates me. Accepts to me it wasn’t my fault what happened in that relationship. Admits she has resentment towards me for various acceptable reasons ie lack of effort when seriously unwell, emotional outbursts etc. understandable. However says it isn’t our fault and doesn’t blame me?

she has adhd (on diagnosis pathway) and what I truly believe to be ODD, possible BPD (I have this)

I have exhausted every avenue tried every approach repeated everything for months day in day out 45 minute deep hearted chats before school she seems to take in. She returns that day from being suspended, to then after 2 hours - be suspended! So what was that mornings heart felt chat and agreement about?

I cannot do it anymore. I have no help.
dad useless. No1 to take her. Social are involved however they have not much advice to help in the immediate future other than wait 16 weeks for a measly parenting course and nowhere to even temporarily accommodate her as even a worst case.

someone please give me realistic advice.

I am not joking when I say I don’t know if I’ll survive this.
everyone who truly knows her agrees she is unbelievable. Deceitful. Has no empathy. Doesn’t care for consequences. Manipulates. Will use my mental health against me eg if I’m talking to her about something she’s done and she doesn’t want to admit it or is trying to twist how it happened she will say so calmly and seeming concerned ‘mum have you took your meds today? Are you ok I’m worried your going insane’

please hear the desperation of how severe this is. If needed I will give more examples. Just please need help.

im afraid for my life and afraid she’s ruined her own.

I am begging for help.

@Chel14, I'm very sorry for what has happened to you both, it sounds like it has been very hard. But what strikes me from reading your posts is that, although you say that you understand how traumatic things must have been for your daughter, you seem frustrated that she can't just get over all that and move on. Perhaps because you are feeling better and ready to start looking forward, you feel that she should be on the same trajectory. But the fact is, she isn't.

Maybe you need to stop saying that you understand how hard it was for her and actually start trying to understand. Properly. Deeply. Patiently.

That will mean going at her pace, not yours. Putting her needs first, not yours. Because she is still a child, her world has been turned upside down before and she is terrified that it is going to happen again.

She needs stability. She needs safety. She needs understanding. And she needs love. Not a mum who thinks she is the worst child ever because she hasn't got over her trauma quickly enough.

What really stands out is how resilient your daughter sounds. From 10-14 she’s had an awful time and yet she’s only 20% worse than any other teenage girl.

So learn more about parenting teens. Give her space and support. Show that you are working on being your best you - taking care of her and maybe working or upping your education, getting healthier. If she says no to doing something together just accept it.

And if you live close enough make sure you keep her gran a regular stable presence. She needs a stable adult who can be there for her.

We have all been giving you loads of ideas of what will help. Therapy for yourself first and foremost.

Stability and calm and routine at home. Building trust with your daughter slowly, not insisting on thrashing things out in an emotionally intense way.

You keep saying, yes but what ELSE?

What else are you hoping for, given that she’s not at a point where she can engage with help at school or from other services? It’s going to be down to you and your relationship with her and whether you can buckle down to a low intensity lifestyle with a predictable routine, and learning as much as you can about parenting a child with complex trauma.

Even though it feels very unfair etc
You should've understood that your daughter is very vulnerable. And being a parent means sacrificing your happiness for theirs.
Also love is not finite
You can love multiple times and multiple people, you can meet many people that you can potentially have good relationships with, especially when you are in a better place.
I mean you are making your daughter out to be a monster that's out to get your happiness, when it was because of your situation that made her like this!
How are you not taking accountability?

You sound love sick, many people leave good relationships because it's not the right fit.
You sound so desperate for a normal relationship, I'm telling you because you have experienced a horrendous abusive relationship, normal human kindness is making you think it's an extraordinary relationship.
I am quite concerned that you have the potential of falling into another abusive relationship, maybe different this time but you won't recognise it because its still 10 tImes better than the old, he didnt beat you etc.
Maybe your daughter even noticed something you haven't, maybe she noticed you were giving up control and she worried.
Don't do this to yourself and her.
There are multiple ways to find happiness, and peace of mind is everything.
I'm just giving you ideas and I think you owe it to your daughter to put her first for the next 4 years.
Plenty of men will still be in the world.

14 is a really difficult age for girls. She’s had years of you being unstable and not present and now SHE’S changing - puberty, social shifts, school work getting hard.

She needs you to be stable now. Not in a new relationship, not talking about houses, marriage and babies and step siblings. You need to be present, physically and emotionally and temperamentally even. Clean house, clean clothes, weekend routines and rituals. This is HER time, not yours.

Please show this thread to your Gp, treating mental health team, social worker, women’s aid, DD school.

you say every professional possible is involved. So show them this thread.

Your posts are beyond concerning and to me, signify your mental health needs urgent support. And your daughter is not ‘safe’ right now.

Your posts say all that a professional needs to know to evaluate the risk to you both.

Your replies are contradictory, confusing, effusive, dramatic and most importantly, utterly horrific about your poor DD and all about you.

save the thread. Screenshot it. And let them keep your DD safe.

Yes, it does.

I can see the bpd in your posts and it's clear you need help. The way you're writing shows you have no insight into your bpd and how it is affecting her.

Me me me
I I I
Self self self

You're still banging on about this guy like his arsehole tastes of strawberry. He's just a man.

Oh I understand I'll have to leave this perfect Adonis woe is meeeeee

Wow!

me clarifying yet again he is gone, the focus is still on him!

some people are so judgemental! Wow

no wonder people don’t ask for help.

sp condescending dismissive of everything else I’m saying just making out all I care about is this man? Really? Wow.

Home school her.

Some great advice from people on here evidently spending time to comment as a way to help.

some shitty judgment and misconceptions and twisting of my words to make me seem my post was asking how to save a relationship from others not so interested on ‘helping’. Seems some use this as a platform to unleash inner hatred.

I was mentally and physically worn to the ground. I didn’t do this to her on purpose. Just trying to make it right.

Didnt think putting myself in this vulnerable position would have strangers taking my intentions and curiosity if there was a way to make it work in the wrong way, assuming that’s my concern.

SHE is. I fucked up. I dropped the ball. I’ve OWNED it. Just wanna no every possible way to help this kid.

read the original post.
THATS what I wanted help with.
thanks guys

“however.
please see the emphasis on how really fucking evil and horrid she has become.”

I can’t believe you can sit back and call your traumatized, abused CHILD “really fucking evil”.

That’s absolutely disgusting and abhorrent.

You feel like you “need” your “soulmate” and that you just can’t go on without this “once in a lifetime” love? Please. Read romantic fantasy novels like the rest of us do and get over yourself. He’s not your “soulmate” or your “twin flame” or any of that nonsense.

I understand that you suffered and are still suffering. However, when you are an ADULT and you are responsible for a CHILD (or hell, even a pet) then your soul’s longing for its “soulmate” has to get put on the back burner.

Your child isn’t “really fucking evil”, she’s traumatized, emotionally wounded and scarred, and possibly has mental illness/disorders. YOU just don’t like that she isn’t responding to you the way YOU want her to.

Having social services and mental health input is not "best suiting her" 🤔 it's what she needs to recover from the trauma of your dv relationship, mental health crisis and instability. I can't believe you've described it like that.

She is purposely hurting other people! Purposely planning deciving plotting people against each other putting others in danger. Just because I’m describing her behaviour in brutal no nonsense terms doesn’t mean I don’t love her!!!!!

So the abusive relationship was only 2 years ago and you're already in a relationship with someone? I can't.

No. 4 years ago. Almost 5. I met him 2/3 years later.

thanks for taking the time to express judgement tho.

There’s a world of difference between feeling you are sacrificing the love of your life for your daughter, and recognising that you are continuing to behave in a way that’s overly dependent on a man to create your happiness, which triggers deep anxiety in your daughter. The first means you are just going to resent her more. The second means you stand a chance of gaining emotional independence and stability and building trust with your daughter, so she can move out of the crippling fear she is living in. You asked how to help her? You start by wanting to let your relationship go so you can help her and help yourself. Not giving it up as some act of self sacrifice that counts against her. The second step is to really work on how you see her. She is not evil, manipulative or the worst child in the world. It honestly makes me so sad for her that you see her that way. She’s been through something no child should have to go through. She’s been terrified, traumatised, and now she is angry and lashing out. Instead of inderstanding that this is just damage and hurt driving her behaviour, you are seeing her as someone who has become evil. No wonder you and she are struggling. Her behaviour is probably triggering your guilt, which then causes a backlash of resentment from you, which she senses. You really do need support to work through this. I don’t believe there is only one person you can be referred to. Ok, he might be the most directly qualified, but almost any counsellor can help you start to work on your feelings around what happened to you and what that means for how you feel about your daughter. I would go back to your GP and insist on another referral. Your daughter needs you to gain stability in ways that I don’t think you can currently recognise let alone deliver on. But I don’t think you’ve got enough credit here for wanting to help and I think you can help yourself and by doing that help her. I really hope things improve for you both.

Oh, that sounds absolutely heartbreaking. You’ve been through so much, and it’s no wonder you’re at your limit. None of this is your fault—you’ve clearly tried everything you can.
It really does sound like you need some proper help now, not just waiting weeks for a course. Can you go back to your GP or social worker and tell them how bad things have gotten? You shouldn’t be doing this alone.
Please make sure you’ve got support for you too—even if it’s just talking to a friend. You’re not a bad mum; you’re just completely worn out and doing your best in an awful situation.

All you care about is the posts telling you you're the problem.
You keep pitying yourself.
You claim your focus is her but the only thing you've said you like about your daughter is that she's your daughter.
All your posts are about how you pity yourself.
I feel sorry for her. She reminds me of myself at that age. My mum was and still is similar to you.
Poor girl. I feel for her, I really do.

So not interested in thinking about home schooling her?
Did you even consider it?
She would get sh!tloads of your attention then!
And there would be other benefits.

Think about it, overnight at least.😉

Wtf?

You have asked for brutal and honest advice. You don’t seem to be able to deal with it, and accuse posters of being judgemental, whilst focusing on how much in love you are with the most wonderful man in the world.

Why not step back. Stop focusing on your needs, hopes, wants for this relationship. Focus on what your DD is telling you ( through her behaviour), and how you can help give her what she needs. Then you can decide whether you are able to do that or not. Because if you can’t then it’s better to face that now, for her most of all.

You have hopefully years left to live. Most of them will be spent without her living with you, that’s how life goes in the main. You can either agree to leave it with this man for the next few years, or break it off completely if that’s a better option. Or you can, as I said decide you can’t do that, in which case your DD needs other arrangements need to be made for her.

Agonising about it all is wasted energy, as is focusing on how unfair it is. It may well be, that’s life. It’s not been very fair for your DD so far either. I am not making any moral judgments here, just offering a straightforward perspective. I hope you are able to do what’s needed, whatever that is.

It's like watching someone on fire ask for advice on how to treat their burns.

Everyone says 'put out the fire' and they insist that they know how to put the fire out and they will do it if the burn treatment doesn't work, but they want to try some germolene first just to see if that will do it and can everyone STOP going on about the fire because they asked for advice on burns... 🤦

OP I have BPD and your posts about this man are exactly what I used to be like.

I was in an abusive relationship and the man I was in a relationship with afterwards was just a normal man but because I wasn’t used to being treated with kindness and respect I thought it was the greatest love story ever told.

I also struggled with addiction (been in recovery for 10 years no set backs) and the addiction services were invaluable and pushed for extra therapy and treatment on the NHS.

I am currently doing MBTI therapy which has completely changed my life.
You have to be incredibly committed and honest but it’s helped me recognise my behaviour in relationships of all kinds.

I suggest you ask about the availability of this for you and see if you can put your relationship with your boyfriend on hold and show your daughter how much of a commitment you are making to changing. I did an 8 week online introductory course to check I was suitable and would engage and then I sighed up for another 15 months in group with individual sessions as well.

I have seen some incredible success stories in group and it gives me so much hope, people around me already say I’ve changed so much and this makes me proud.
BPD is a horrible illness and there is such a stigma behind it, I’m not proud of some of my past behaviours but I have always been aware on how I’ve affected others and chose to not have children because of it. If this therapy had been offered when I was younger I might have reconsidered but there is also the genetic element.

Your daughter will be suffering more than you know and terrified history repeats itself. She’s a young traumatised child who will hold a lot of resentment for you but will also feel like she’s not important because it’s very clear you feel she’s holding you back from a happy ever after with your man. You might not be aware you are giving off this vibe but your post screams of it and she will pick up on it.

If your boyfriend loves you that much and the relationship is strong then stay friends but let your daughter know that therapy comes before anything. Give her this time to relax and trust you and work on your relationship with your daughter above all in therapy.

I don’t want to sound overly critical or like I’m completely sorted myself now, I’ve a very long way to go but I’m aware of this now.
Having a safe space in group where people can be truly honest with you makes you realise where you are going wrong in life. You often see your own behaviour reflected from other people as well and it’s a surprising realisation at how uncomfortable it makes you feel.

I know you have been through a lot and you sound strong but honestly you also sound so immature. You have taken the criticism and advice well on this thread though and I hope it helps and you really do follow it.

I know how hard it is living with BPD and I want you to know that I understand how hard life can be, please don’t make it harder for yourself and your daughter 💕.