Help? Need brutal honest advice.

[Chel14]

Daughter is 14.

just us for 10 years. Good life.

i was in abusive relationship, destroyed me, her, us. Changed our life.

long story short, I was in mental hospital, she had to stay with maternal grandmother, when we reconnected I wasn’t me. She didn’t receive the same love affection care effort as before.

•appreciate massively how fucking horrific this must have been for a 10 year old. Do not diminish this statement•

however

2 years, 1 relationship, mounds of professionals throwing help her way, school transfers, allowance of poor behaviour, to extreme levels later, I am unable to cope. She is literally ruining any remaining salvageable part of our relationship, ruining her entire life, ruining my relationship with my genuine love of my life, any chance she or I have at happiness. Can’t even ask how did ur day go without it ending in literal tears on my part because of the hatred, brutality and lack of respect or empathy for anyone she displays!
she treats everyone and everyone like less than, unworthy pieces of shit! Treats my partners children like shit, has recorded herself talking to teachers in school in a way I am still shocked about. Complete lack of any good quality right now. No joke. It’s THAT bad. Wish I could tell you it all.

caught her on FaceTime vaping once. Still denies it to this day. I saw it? Close enough to see the flavour? Still denies to my face.

we live alone. Things will go missing or be left out and she will try manipulate my mental health to make me believe it has nothing to do with her. It is scary. Makes up stories to other people that are nowhere near true. Scary.

i recovered so well. Went back to college, got a job. New relationship. New lease on life. Not me again, but better.

she is driving me into the ground. Hates me. Accepts to me it wasn’t my fault what happened in that relationship. Admits she has resentment towards me for various acceptable reasons ie lack of effort when seriously unwell, emotional outbursts etc. understandable. However says it isn’t our fault and doesn’t blame me?

she has adhd (on diagnosis pathway) and what I truly believe to be ODD, possible BPD (I have this)

I have exhausted every avenue tried every approach repeated everything for months day in day out 45 minute deep hearted chats before school she seems to take in. She returns that day from being suspended, to then after 2 hours - be suspended! So what was that mornings heart felt chat and agreement about?

I cannot do it anymore. I have no help.
dad useless. No1 to take her. Social are involved however they have not much advice to help in the immediate future other than wait 16 weeks for a measly parenting course and nowhere to even temporarily accommodate her as even a worst case.

someone please give me realistic advice.

I am not joking when I say I don’t know if I’ll survive this.
everyone who truly knows her agrees she is unbelievable. Deceitful. Has no empathy. Doesn’t care for consequences. Manipulates. Will use my mental health against me eg if I’m talking to her about something she’s done and she doesn’t want to admit it or is trying to twist how it happened she will say so calmly and seeming concerned ‘mum have you took your meds today? Are you ok I’m worried your going insane’

please hear the desperation of how severe this is. If needed I will give more examples. Just please need help.

im afraid for my life and afraid she’s ruined her own.

I am begging for help.

Agree with every word of this post. You have been diagnosed with bpd and this is integral to the way you’re reacting to her (very understandable) poor behaviour. I feel very sorry for you, but more so for your daughter who is only a child. You both need urgent help and support. Even the way you speak about your relationship with this “love of your life” is all wrong.

You let her down before and you’re letting her down again. She’s screaming for help and you’re calling her evil (absolutely unacceptable). She is not evil, she is deeply troubled and needs you to be the mum she deserves.

You say you wish you could all be happy like without this man, you can’t just be happy with your daughter. She will feel this - that he is more important to you than she is. Whether you think this is true or not, that’s how you’re behaving and what you’re saying on here.

She only wants your love - not the love of a stranger, not being forced to play siblings with his kids, not hearing you talk of moving in together, marriage and more children when quite frankly, you aren’t managing to parent the child you have. She is right when she asks if you’re taking your medication and is concerned about your mental health because none of this makes sense to a well adult. You say she should accept this man who wants to love you and her but why? He is nothing to her. She wants you to prove that you can love her alone, that you can be her mum without relying on some stranger who she doesn’t want in her life. That is her right to not want him around and you shouldn’t be suggesting she is ruining your happiness - give your head a shake, she’s a child! You should have never started this with him.

She probably feels you’ve been bad at choosing men before and doesn’t trust your judgement. For your sake, you should think about this because I’m also feeling that this is not the relationship you think it is. She doesn’t want you getting attached to another man who may come along and cause you both trauma. She just wants you to look after each other. It should be you two against the world. Don’t expect her to trust he’s a nice man when you presumably thought the last one was too and he ruined both of your lives. Don’t risk that again.

I think your daughter has had to grow up far too quickly and she feels she is having to parent you because you still can’t see what is good for you and can’t understand where your focus should have been. She sees you making the same mistakes again and as a child, that is terrifying. She has no stability and is worried she may have no mum again in future so she’s pushing you away to protect herself.

Please end it with this man immediately and get some counselling for yourself and parenting help. If you don’t, your daughter may end up following you with her mental health issues and picking the wrong men. If you haven’t already done it, get yourself on the Freedom Project to learn about proper relationships.

What about focusing on natural consequences though?

Doesn't clean her room- she has a messy room and no clean clothes as it's her job to bring them to the basket for the wash. Doesn't want what's for dinner, that's OK she can make herself something else but you're not cooking additional meals. Lashes out towards you then the WiFi is turned off for x amount of time. If you can hold these small boundaries then that frees you up to do other things without looking at those as a reward and she can realise you're firm and steady and that your boundaries are solid which will make her feel safe. I'd sit her down and list your expectations and what will happen if the boundary is broken because you need to work as a team and I'd ask her what she needs from you as a boundary. Write it up somewhere and then it's up to you to follow through every single time even when she doesn't. And in the meantime go and do the fun stuff seperately and reconnect with her.

It’s crazy to have started a new relationship when your DD really needed your full focus. In your shoes I’d drop the new bloke and his kids and work on your relationship with your DD.

I feel severely misunderstood.

yes this man is my dream. Everything I could ever have wished for in every way. I feel love for him I didn’t know existed.

HOWEVER

CAN ANYBODY PLEASE ACKNOWLEGDE:
regardless of these feelings. That is my daughter! My honesty on how severe she has become and is acting out isn’t a sign of me not loving her. I will always love her. But I am exhausted. However. I am prepared to do WHATEVER it takes to help my daughter see how to help herself, let people in, try restore our bond.

I understand the shock most of you feel how could I possibly be in love with someone 2 years after being abused how could I possibly do that well I wasn’t looking and didn’t expect it either but love happens when love happens and I will not have anyone make me feel like a bad parent for asking if there was a way to not have to lose him whilst keeping my daughters wellbeing at the forefront of every decision.

I specifically asked for advice how to help my daughter. He is a factor. Not a priority.

please don’t be judgmental, i would like advice (beyond dumping him as I see this is non negotiable now!) on how I can repair this relationship with my traumatised emotionally unstable little girl and help her future beyond ideas I will have probably have come up with myself.

Ultimately a genuine plea for help for me and my daughter. Focus on how to help her with or without him, not focus on how to save my romantic relationship

So you need to set some boundaries and model to her. My DD is 14 with complex PTSD amongst many other issues, her behaviour isn’t difficult but I’ve been parenting her for 8 years, so I’ve had time to work with her.

What helped were very few but very clear boundaries, ours were no violence, one chore a day (increasing as she got older) and school as much as she could manage. That came with clear, consistent consequences and no anger from me, no matter what. Give her chores but do them with her, praise her every single time she does well, be obviously proud of her, plan your menu for the week together, go shopping together and let her sneak treats into the basket, tease her about finding odd things at checkout.

Building connection came hand in hand with always being available to talk, if she speaks to me she gets my full attention every single time. Also total honesty, in an age appropriate way. If she asks a question about her background (she’s adopted) she gets a straight answer, no matter how hard it may be for me. And feeding her passions, making sure we do things she loves, just because I love seeing her do things she loves.

Your DD is older so consequences get harder to impose but there will be levers you can pull. What does she love doing? Do more of it at every opportunity - what did she love as a 10 year old, do that even if it feels babyish to her now “I remember how much you loved going to the park” push her on the swings, whatever. If you want to see that child again you need to go in and find her.

I admit I do feel judgemental towards you. My friend’s dd is a lovely, lovely girl who has suffered immensely because of her mum’s boyfriends. Interestingly she (the mum) also has BPD and every bloke she’s with it’s a rush to move them in, to declare their love, while her dd has to cope with yet another male stranger often with accompanying children. It’s selfish of you. But you can’t see it.

i think you should get more help for your Bpd. You talk about him like he’s the Messiah (oh he loves her! Wants nothing but the best for her!! Thinks of her as one of his own!! Wants to look after us!!) and of your own daughter like she’s the devil. Why is he so interested in a child that isn’t his, that you say acts terribly? Why is he so intent on being in the life of a traumatised 14 year old girl? Why does he want to inflict that on his own children? Can’t be a very good dad if she really is as ‘bad’ as you say she is, to want her around his own children.

Your daughter needs you to be stable. Get more help with medication or therapy etc.

🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩

Based on your history, I think it's very unlikely this new guy is not another abuser. Perhaps more subtle, maybe another style.

OP I think this timeline would be very helpful regarding the sort of advice you will get?

I agree with others, your daughter isn't evil though, please don't say that about her.

Stop it with the whole hating yourself business. It’s just not helpful at all. Spend that energy on doing things differently.

When people say take the pressure off, they mean don’t press her for 45 mins in the morning to talk about her feelings.

When she has a good day at school, don’t say ‘let’s make it 2’ because that’s pressure. That’s saying that it’s not good enough that today went well. That she has to keep being this good forever if you’re going to feel OK about her.

She’s not going be able to engage with ‘services’ right now - she’s still living in a traumatic situation. In the space of 4 years her whole family life has imploded in multiple ways and now she’s back living with mum who thinks she’s evil and manipulative and wants to start a new family.

You may feel you have got through your trauma, but she is still living in hers.

She doesn’t have the space to process any of this while it’s ongoing.

In the first instance she needs a stable, predictable, completely drama-free home life where she feels safe and taken care of, and doesn’t have to worry that mum’s going to spring anything on her like whole new family and stepfamily.

You say her acting out isn’t a sign of not loving her but it is. She doesn’t feel like you have her best interests at heart, she probably feels second best to whichever man you want as a crutch. You came on her calling her evil and that she’s such a bad person - she is not. She has experienced stuff that no child should ever go through whilst having issues of her own and you need to spend your life or as long as it takes to make that up to her and ensure she feels secure. You also need to stop saying that in asking for you to prioritise her that you can’t all be happy. Given everything that has happened and you surely recognising how men can change and fuck up your life, that being just the two of you, will ensure a happy, safe life for both of you. When she leaves home, you may choose to meet someone then but she needs your full focus now. You also need help to realise you don’t need a man, you can love her and you are all she needs. Don’t lean on another man that may pull the rug from under you both at any time.

And please do not have any more children. Your chance to repair all this is limited and if you have other children, you will mess her up for life. Your hands are full enough.

Okay, you asked.
And pages after pages of advice was that NO, you cannot do this new man while helping your daughter with her trauma.

So are you going to put her first by ditching him, or not? That's a yes or no. Everything else is just you talking a good game.

There is tons of very appropriate advise on this thread -
You are pleading for help …. Just read the thread - it’s all here

…. Or are you not getting the advise you want to hear ??

…
what are you wanting people to say ??

Yes I will! If her future happiness is determined by whether or not he remains in our lives then he has to go! Simple! Made this clear from the beginning!

I didn’t think asking for advice on how to possibly make that work would make so many people assume ivd spent her life depending on men. Putting her second. Not the case. Not at all. I can be single. It just happened I met someone I connect with on another level. No forcing, no searching. It just happened.

to help my daughter. He has to go.

I see this. I guess I needed to hear it this way to truly accept it. But I will always do what’s best for her.

Take all the melodrama out of it! You dont need to end the love of your life as you call him, just chill a bit. Your daughter wants you, nobody else. You dont need to threaten to end it with him, you sound like you are the 14 year old. You and your daughter are more alike than you realise, take things an hour at a time for now. Have a proper conversation with her about both of your expectations, your social worker could help you with this, make a behaviour contract for both of you. Good luck, you and your daughter can get through this.

"she treats everyone and everyone like less than, unworthy pieces of shit! "

"there’s a sliver of me hoping there’s a way. For us all to be happy. She isn’t going to be pushed out, he loves her. Tried every way to please her. Spoilt rotten. She has taken advantage and used and manipulated till it suited her.
so there’s no way. I have to let him go.
got it."

What a drama queen.

Also stop describing your daughter as 'spoilt', taking advantage, manipulative, etc etc etc. She's a child and it's you who have created this mess that she's suffering.

I highly doubt this new man on the scene is the saviour you think he is. Men are very often, er, disappointing.

You don't seem very focused on healing and undoing the complex trauma the chaos of your life has caused your child. Every single thing you have said about her is characterised as her being a problem when in reality it is symptomatic of all the ways she has been failed by you. You don't recognise this because you can't see beyond your own needs. In your eyes, you are the victim. you think guilt about the past is enough, it's not. You may never get the respect or love of your daughter but you should die trying for it. That means looking beyond your own needs, and that includes your romantic life.

She knows you are still together, you wrote that she bursts into your room when you are on the phone with him. You say she does that on purpose. Of course she does, because she is trying to tell you in every way possible she doesn’t want you to date anyone. Just because she doesn’t see him now, doesn’t mean she doesn’t consider him a threat of taking her mum away again, so she acts out and says something horrible when you are on the phone, hoping you break up.
you say she is your priority, but I am sorry to say she is not. She was 10 when you got sectioned, you admit yourself when you came out of hospital you were different and didn’t give her love and care as before. Then she had 2 semi normal years with you and then new bloke came into her life. How could you say, you can’t forgive yourself and still be selfish. Your actions don’t match your words. And saying she had you to herself for 10 years. Do you realise she is a child, she doesn’t count years, what she remembers is some good years, then some horrible, then some semi ok and then another guy in mum’s life.
if you can’t see it you really should stop saying she is your priority, words mean nothing, it is the actions that count, and I know it is unfair but after what you put her through, you have to sacrifice whatever love met for her.

Have u read any of my posts? Asking for help, ways I might not have thought of, besides my romantic relationship that no longer remains part of HER life, to help my extremely traumatised, severely confused daughter who is showing devastating traits and behaving in ways that are not deemed acceptable in any part of society.

ways to help get through to a kid that everything’s been tried already. He is not the reason she’s this way. He probably affects 20% of the problem. Imagine he’s gone.

what else?

loving caring mum wanting new different ways to help a teenager so lost she’s sabotaging her own future, own happiness.

thanks

I am putting in blood sweat and tears day in day out to help this child. I have every possible professional involved at this point that I can possibly think of.

I have accepted, and mentioned several times, she is not to blame for this. I am. This is my doing. I’m fully aware. I take full responsibility. Trust me.

however. I am not getting through to her. Nobody is. And she needs more emergency help that I cannot come up with maybe something someone else has tried to get through to such a troubled child. He occupies so much less of my life than I feel assumed. I am able to function without him!

after effective tips tricks advice ideas anything to help children who are further gone than your average stressed out child.

not after people’s opinion son how unbelievable it is I possible had somebody love me again 2 years after an abusive relationship? How could I possibly believe someone who fitted into my family so well so easily from the beginning who brought nothing but extra happiness to our life could possibly be a good addition.

how silly of me.

like I said. He’s gone. That problem solved.

any OTHER ideas from genuine helpful mums/dads truly welcome.

This.

She might also feel that you’re not being honest with her about him. She doesn’t see him any more but she knows he’s still around. She presumably knew you wanted to live together, blend families, have babies. She’ll be wondering what’s happening now because while he’s not in her space, he’s still in her life because he’s in your life. Have you talked to her about him - not in a “he’s not moving in because of you” way but how she feels about him and about you? Have you told her he’s not moving in? That you’re seeing him but won’t bring him back to her home? That you’re going to end it with him. Have you told her that her safety is the single most important thing to you - and followed that up in your actions?

By bursting in while you’re on the phone she’s telling you she knows, and that she doesn’t feel safe with a man in your life.

what professional help have you actually engaged? It will be of limited use, in my opinion, because everything you can do to help her starts at home and with your relationship with her. But you can get support with that. Have you been to family therapy with her?

I read all your posts. I can't help you, you have to help yourself.

My single mother was a bit like you, thought I was a problem because I wasn't all happyhappy while she conducted her romantic life and ignored me almost completely through my childhood, except for telling me off about how I wasn't obedient or something. It's not love, and children know it isn't.

I’ve given you very detailed advice across many posts from my professional experience and personal experience of parenting a very traumatised child. Services will be helpful down the line but the one thing that will make the biggest difference is building a relationship with your child. Read back and you’ll see excellent advice from me and other posters that goes well beyond the man in your life.