Help? Need brutal honest advice.

[Chel14]

Daughter is 14.

just us for 10 years. Good life.

i was in abusive relationship, destroyed me, her, us. Changed our life.

long story short, I was in mental hospital, she had to stay with maternal grandmother, when we reconnected I wasn’t me. She didn’t receive the same love affection care effort as before.

•appreciate massively how fucking horrific this must have been for a 10 year old. Do not diminish this statement•

however

2 years, 1 relationship, mounds of professionals throwing help her way, school transfers, allowance of poor behaviour, to extreme levels later, I am unable to cope. She is literally ruining any remaining salvageable part of our relationship, ruining her entire life, ruining my relationship with my genuine love of my life, any chance she or I have at happiness. Can’t even ask how did ur day go without it ending in literal tears on my part because of the hatred, brutality and lack of respect or empathy for anyone she displays!
she treats everyone and everyone like less than, unworthy pieces of shit! Treats my partners children like shit, has recorded herself talking to teachers in school in a way I am still shocked about. Complete lack of any good quality right now. No joke. It’s THAT bad. Wish I could tell you it all.

caught her on FaceTime vaping once. Still denies it to this day. I saw it? Close enough to see the flavour? Still denies to my face.

we live alone. Things will go missing or be left out and she will try manipulate my mental health to make me believe it has nothing to do with her. It is scary. Makes up stories to other people that are nowhere near true. Scary.

i recovered so well. Went back to college, got a job. New relationship. New lease on life. Not me again, but better.

she is driving me into the ground. Hates me. Accepts to me it wasn’t my fault what happened in that relationship. Admits she has resentment towards me for various acceptable reasons ie lack of effort when seriously unwell, emotional outbursts etc. understandable. However says it isn’t our fault and doesn’t blame me?

she has adhd (on diagnosis pathway) and what I truly believe to be ODD, possible BPD (I have this)

I have exhausted every avenue tried every approach repeated everything for months day in day out 45 minute deep hearted chats before school she seems to take in. She returns that day from being suspended, to then after 2 hours - be suspended! So what was that mornings heart felt chat and agreement about?

I cannot do it anymore. I have no help.
dad useless. No1 to take her. Social are involved however they have not much advice to help in the immediate future other than wait 16 weeks for a measly parenting course and nowhere to even temporarily accommodate her as even a worst case.

someone please give me realistic advice.

I am not joking when I say I don’t know if I’ll survive this.
everyone who truly knows her agrees she is unbelievable. Deceitful. Has no empathy. Doesn’t care for consequences. Manipulates. Will use my mental health against me eg if I’m talking to her about something she’s done and she doesn’t want to admit it or is trying to twist how it happened she will say so calmly and seeming concerned ‘mum have you took your meds today? Are you ok I’m worried your going insane’

please hear the desperation of how severe this is. If needed I will give more examples. Just please need help.

im afraid for my life and afraid she’s ruined her own.

I am begging for help.

If all you do is ‘be a mum’ then how have you met this man to the point you consider him the love of your life, have met his children and think of him as your partner? You’re contradicting yourself. Which is it just ‘a mum’ or a ‘a mum and a committed partner’. It can’t be both.

It doesn’t make you selfish, but it does say a lot about your mental health. You mention you have BPD. I know enough about this disorder to know it can make you feel emotions very strongly and it fits the all consuming love you claim to feel for this man.

You need to seek the proper help for this. YOU need to be the love of your life. I wish you and your daughter nothing but the best.

Look I’m a social worker, trauma therapist and parent to two kids who have experienced trauma.

Shes not going to recover by having services thrown at her. She doesn’t need to be fixed. She is having a perfectly normal teenage reaction to her life experiences, making sense of her world in the only way she knows how. What will help her recover is an absolutely solid base, someone who loves her unconditionally and who can see her underneath all the “fucking evil”.

Yes others will be concerned, because she is screaming that she is not ok, while her mum plans weddings and babies. They’ll be concerned because people are very quick to write of traumatised teens as “fucking evil”, and then the teen ends up on a very bad trajectory.

When she feels safe enough she will engage with the supports being offered. That’s going to take time, with you being on her side, giving space to talk about what has happened to her - because while it happened to you it also happened to her at a time when she had no way of processing it. She needs routine, taking the opportunities as they arise, being with her on her terms. This is slow, steady parenting with buckets of empathy.

She can recover, but the vast majority of that work will be in your home with you, not in a therapists office.

She goes to school 5 days a week. He works shifts.
she goes out with friends. We go for food/cinema/anyrhing.
she has sleepover, we have night away.
please don’t be patronising. People have long term relationships.
again, main focus is on her not him.

Thank you

To be fair, you have talked an awful lot about the man, without recognising that his presence might not be helping and is likely making things worse. You seem not to be able to see this from your DD’s perspective at all - that maybe she’s not trying to sabotage your happiness out of defiance and oppositionality but she actually doesn’t like this guy and doesn’t want the disruption to her life of another potentially volatile relationship given how the last one went.

And when people try to impress this upon you, your impulse is to ask everyone to just stop mentioning the man at all and focus on your daughter - as though the environment she’s living in and the people in her life have nothing to do with her struggles.

I didn’t realise I was behaving so selfishly. Thought we could all be happy. Thanks for your advice.

Yes, they do. When they’re in stable situations with children that are not traumatised. I’m not trying to patronise you at all. But you keep saying you understand on each post you make, but I really don’t think you do. How can I man who should have only been in your child’s life, at the most, 12 months be in a position to claim he loves her? All the points you’ve made above are indicative of a man who never sees her. So how has she met his children and how can he possibly love her if none of this has been rushed, if it’s conducted when she’s not there?

They built a genuine relationship. Got on well. I say love her as in cares about her considers her in his actions as much as he does me, thinks about her needs like his own, worries about her at appropriate times like his own, willing to be there for her support her. Not in love with her.

I was like your daughter at that age, my mum, whether she meant it, caused a lot of turbulance in my life, and when she found a partner it destroyed our relationship.

However, she did leave him, and I am incredibly grateful to her that she did.

She still failed to provide me stability in other ways, but I think I'd have gone off the tracks if she'd have stayed with him, even though he was for all intents and purposes lovely.

You don't need to be an idiot, even as a teen to see new partner could mean new baby, new life etc. It is a threat to the very thing you need.

It's also absolutely awful to see your mum gushing over somebody else when you need to be gushed over. Even if it's hard to accept being gushed over because it feels so absolutely alien given the traumatic events that have happened.

I wish there was a way for me to continue building this relationship with the man I love whether people want to diminish my feelings or not, however will do what’s necessary for her always. I understand what she needs

Brilliant post. Absolutely no point in putting positive things (nice house, kind make role model etc) in someone’s life if they have no solid foundations. They spent their already traumatised lives wondering when the pile of ‘positive things’ is going to come tumbling down - it makes their trauma worse not better. Get those solid foundations built. That includes suitable therapy for you. And be aware it could take 10 years or more.

Okay, so when he did he meet her and how has she already met his children? I’m sorry, I really am, but he shouldn’t be in her life at all and never should have been at this stage. I honestly believe that by doing so you’ve set her back even further. She needs you, only you and not a man who should nothing but a stranger to her. He needs to go, she needs to know it’s just you and her and no one else.

You are gushing over this new man and calling your traumatised child evil. I really dont think you are behaving in the 'all about her' way you are making out you are

I'm sorry op but I do think in part you are the core issue here even though I've no doubt it's unintentional. The language you use to describe your dd is not acceptable - "evil" "brutal" "manipulative" "deceitful" but in fact she's not actually any of those things - what she is is deeply traumatised and trying to navigate what's actually been a very unstable and chaotic life. The way she's acting towards you is pushing you away because (rightly or wrongly and not casting blame) she can't trust you. She's witnessed you being abused and been abused while you were unable to protect her (no judgement that's the nature of domestic abuse and I'm glad you got out), she's seen you mentally very unwell and as an inpatient and was placed in care as a result, you've now reconnected and suddenly you have a new man and are talking marriage and babies etc. This poor girl has not had any length of time to actually feel like her world is stable and trauma cannot heal without safety and stability. Your partner needs to acknowledge that if he wants you then this is the package and that he first and foremost needs to accommodate you supporting a very traumatised girl. If he's the right guy then he will be totally understanding of that and marriage and babies and all the rest wouldn't be on the table until your dd is in a better place first. That sucks absolutely but this is the reality of parenting.

I think trauma can sometimes make time feel like it moves much faster than it really does and I think the timeframe you're on isn't maybe connected to how that timeframe actually feels to you. That's because of hypervigilance. But when you strip that back - it means you're moving possibly extra fast and reclaiming lots of great things for yourself, but what your dd actually needs is for you to stand still with her for as long as it takes for her to be able to trust you again. And only when she trusts you is she able to be vulnerable and address her own trauma. It makes perfect sense she's not engaging with services right now, she's still in survival mode and there's not been enough stability for her to be able to drop that. I think you also need to rethink the difference between 'rewarding' negative behaviours and building connections. I think you need to step back a little and focus on the connections as opposed to the discipline. She's not acting out because she's naughty or evil she's in pain and she doesn't know what do with it. Many children who experience domestic abuse mimic abusive behaviour- partly this is them processing what's happened and partly it can be to try to feel safe and it's a trauma response she may not fully understand. So you're expecting greater self awareness from her than what she's probably even capable of right now. But that's bound to be very triggering for you (which I'm guessing is where the negative language is coming in) so getting your own consistent support is important from someone specifically trained in domestic abuse. Lots of therapists say they understand dv but not all actually do so look into what training they've actually done and what womens charities they work with- women's aid might be able to give some recommendations. I'd suggest linking your dd in with a trauma informed qualified youth worker as opposed to counsellor, sometimes that can feel easier and less clinical even though there's still rigorous professional training.

I think you can potentially still date but you need to scale it right back and be very upfront with him about what you're doing and why. She needs to be able to trust you 100% before you can expect her to trust a man you're bringing into her life. I'm a lone parent and believe me I understand that this is really, really tough but you need to think of how you refill your cup so you can keep showing up for her in the ways she needs you to and a man cannot be the only way. I have no doubt you've already climbed a mountain to make this much progress- it really is not a small thing that you've done here and you deserve recognition for that. But I think from your posts there's a ways to go still and finding ways to slow down and figure out how to fall in pace with her will help you both.

Just want to be clear on timeline of events

10 years old dd just two of you
Then abusive relationship. How long?
Then psych admission. How long?
Then you and dd but you couldn't parent as a loving parent due to mental illness. How long?
Then you met partner and started planning future. When and how long

Do nice things together regardless of her behaviour to show her you love her unconditionally.

You speak a lot about her being evil, nasty, manipulative, and I'm sure it does feel that way and that's it's personal but I'm seeing a damaged scared child who needs to see the love of her mother consistently and unconditionally.

If you want to try something different, stop the intense chats before school, the expectations, the long questions, the judgements, blame etc and stick to basics for a bit.

Take the pressure off her, she's anxious and overwhelmed.

Do nice things together, not as rewards but just because you want to spend time with her.

OP, please reach out to school, anyone who supports you, any local charities, women's centres if you can. You are getting a lot of advice on here, but not from people who know you or the detail of your situation. Try not to get into a panic or a spiral about it, take some deep breaths, get through this evening and talk to someone you know and trust tomorrow.

You may understand what she needs on some level, but honestly providing that secure base for her is going to be very hard work. Holding a teenager steady while they thrash about is a job of work - turning up every day and actively loving them while they fight you at every turn is hard work.

What are you doing for yourself to create that stability in you? Things like DBT are excellent and recommend for BPD, having a strong social circle, family support, medication if you need it. You’re wanting to continue in the relationship - I get it, being a single parent is tough but pulling your DD back, if you’re giving her what she needs, is literally all consuming because you need to pull on every ounce of resilience, empathy and compassion at a time when you don’t feel it for her.

Set the man aside, get yourself properly well for your DD, he may not look so appealing when you do.

One of the problems is the allowances I’ve made for her poor behaviour because of what she’s endured. This has allowed her to understand how to manipulate each situation into benefitting her no matter the consequences by playing on the guilt, shame and hatred I feel inside myself. For myself.

I don’t put too much pressure. She does nothing round the house, has no responsibilities, I have to tidy her room or it doesn’t get done, gets to request what meal she wants every night, literally rules the roost. I’m not just being nasty. Her constant seclusions mean she now has half days in a room alone. All I ask each day is they ge to lunch time doing as the teachers need and u can come home and unwind how you need. It’s only 3 hours. I don’t feel I out too much pressure on her.

she - my daughter - the girl I spent those 10 years with, is fucking incredible. One of a kind so special. I KNOW that’s still in there. I just wanna get that back. Just even a glimpse of it. If he has to go he has to go, just wanted to know if there was a way I didn’t have to lose him whilst still protecting her peace.

thanks

You sound just like my friend. Who, while I love them deeply, I despair of. She lived with us for a bit with her dd as the new man she’d brought into their lives had been violent… moved her and dd into their own house… got back together with him 🙄🙄 … split up, moved a different new bloke and his children in… split up… moved new boyfriend in… they’ve just split up and now she has a new one who, while he hasn’t (yet) moved in, is there every night. Despite her dd asking for him not to be.

I’m saying this to you because her dd (now 16) and I are close and she said to me recently ‘Mum says she loves me more than anything, says I’m her top priority but I’m clearly not. If I was she wouldn’t have Bob over every night when I’ve asked her not to have another boyfriend in our house’. What I’m trying to say is that your (ridiculously over flowery / dramatic) words do NOT match your actions and your daughter is rightly pissed off with you. Children aren’t stupid. She knows your words mean nothing. The way you talk about your boyfriend sounds like a teenager.

i am not saying your dd is an angel, she’s clearly had trauma and also is at a terrible age for girls, with hormones etc. It may be worth talking to the dr about potentially giving her fluoxetine, an anti depressant than can help with anxiety etc. also things like evening primrose oil can help if hormones are adding to the chaos.

But really? Stop being so cock-washed and SHOW her that you put her first.

Everyone possible is involved. Honestly. So much time and effort and thought has gone into how to best suit her. Everyone just as stumped what next steps are. She just still not ready to engage.

hate myself

He doesn’t ever spend any time in her presence any more? Sees me the minimal time I’m child free. STILL offers to help in any way shape or form for her. No contact between them at all anymore. Waits to see me until she’s made other arrangements. Literally bending over backwards to do everything her way while still loving each other. How is that me showing her she’s less important sorry?
I understand I need to break up with him, maybe don’t be so judgmental

I was in my 30`s when my Mum tried to end her life. Its hard and I was a grown up with life experience, perspective and not dependant on her. Still it was hard. Afterwards when she came home was difficult, working hard not to have intrusive thoughts about whether she was still alive, whether she was thinking about doing it again, what I would find when I next visited. She got it without me saying a word. I remember her asking if I wanted her to ring me every night to let me know when wasn't going to do anything. I said no, I didn't want us to be co-dependent or be parentified. I just wanted her to engage with mental health and be well.

Your daughter will have all this. Plus likely thinking she's not enough. Then add in the trauma from your abusive relationship. As others say she's not evil, she's hurting. It's hard, seek parenting support, allow her to talk to you about anything and keep her relationship with her grandparents strong.

Growing up I was her world, until she got in a relationship, then I was less important.

Keep on with the talk of babies and you will most likely lose her forever. She will feel replaced.

After they were introduced (slowly and considerately) they genuinely formed a bond. We all did. Like a what could be blended family one day. All seemed positive.
so part of me believed in that.

but again regardless of those claiming I seem to want him more than her, I only asked is there a way to keep them both, she is my concern and I’ll do anything for her.

sorry you experienced what you did.