Help? Need brutal honest advice.

[Chel14]

Daughter is 14.

just us for 10 years. Good life.

i was in abusive relationship, destroyed me, her, us. Changed our life.

long story short, I was in mental hospital, she had to stay with maternal grandmother, when we reconnected I wasn’t me. She didn’t receive the same love affection care effort as before.

•appreciate massively how fucking horrific this must have been for a 10 year old. Do not diminish this statement•

however

2 years, 1 relationship, mounds of professionals throwing help her way, school transfers, allowance of poor behaviour, to extreme levels later, I am unable to cope. She is literally ruining any remaining salvageable part of our relationship, ruining her entire life, ruining my relationship with my genuine love of my life, any chance she or I have at happiness. Can’t even ask how did ur day go without it ending in literal tears on my part because of the hatred, brutality and lack of respect or empathy for anyone she displays!
she treats everyone and everyone like less than, unworthy pieces of shit! Treats my partners children like shit, has recorded herself talking to teachers in school in a way I am still shocked about. Complete lack of any good quality right now. No joke. It’s THAT bad. Wish I could tell you it all.

caught her on FaceTime vaping once. Still denies it to this day. I saw it? Close enough to see the flavour? Still denies to my face.

we live alone. Things will go missing or be left out and she will try manipulate my mental health to make me believe it has nothing to do with her. It is scary. Makes up stories to other people that are nowhere near true. Scary.

i recovered so well. Went back to college, got a job. New relationship. New lease on life. Not me again, but better.

she is driving me into the ground. Hates me. Accepts to me it wasn’t my fault what happened in that relationship. Admits she has resentment towards me for various acceptable reasons ie lack of effort when seriously unwell, emotional outbursts etc. understandable. However says it isn’t our fault and doesn’t blame me?

she has adhd (on diagnosis pathway) and what I truly believe to be ODD, possible BPD (I have this)

I have exhausted every avenue tried every approach repeated everything for months day in day out 45 minute deep hearted chats before school she seems to take in. She returns that day from being suspended, to then after 2 hours - be suspended! So what was that mornings heart felt chat and agreement about?

I cannot do it anymore. I have no help.
dad useless. No1 to take her. Social are involved however they have not much advice to help in the immediate future other than wait 16 weeks for a measly parenting course and nowhere to even temporarily accommodate her as even a worst case.

someone please give me realistic advice.

I am not joking when I say I don’t know if I’ll survive this.
everyone who truly knows her agrees she is unbelievable. Deceitful. Has no empathy. Doesn’t care for consequences. Manipulates. Will use my mental health against me eg if I’m talking to her about something she’s done and she doesn’t want to admit it or is trying to twist how it happened she will say so calmly and seeming concerned ‘mum have you took your meds today? Are you ok I’m worried your going insane’

please hear the desperation of how severe this is. If needed I will give more examples. Just please need help.

im afraid for my life and afraid she’s ruined her own.

I am begging for help.

I’m not saying you’re a shit mum, I’m saying you have a deeply traumatised child who needs safety, security and consistency to even start recovering.

If I’m reading your timeline right you had 10 years on your own, 2 years of abusive relationship then a period in hospital, and 2 years of the love of your life? So she went from witnessing her mum being abused, to her mum not being around, to a new man on the scene. Can you understand why she would be all over the place? Can you see her “worst child ever” as trying to gain some control in a life that has been utterly out of her control. Can you see how utterly terrified she must be?

Thank you for understanding this part of my need for help. The emphasis isn’t on him. If I lose him that’s something I’ll deal with. Ultimately getting the relationship back with my daughter and preventing her from throwing her future away is my main concern.

My mum was sectioned once when I was 6 and I went to live with my grandma for two years. She was then sectioned again when I was 20 and in my first year of university. I wish I could find the words to explain how traumatising it was. I don’t remember much of being 6, but I remember ever detail when I was aged 20. I’ll never be the person I was before I answered the call telling me my mum had attempted suicide. Throughout this she had a boyfriend I absolutely despised. He made no effort with me, manipulated my mum and was emotionally abusive towards her. Yet she maintained he was the love of her life. I hated her for this. I’d been through all this trauma and when she got better, I was supposed to just get over it and be happy for her and move on?

Your daughter has severe, complex PTSD. Your posts are dripping in resentment towards her. The hill I will die on is that mental health is almost always worse for the close witnesses than the actual patient. You recovered, but what about her? Her awful memories? Her trauma?

I do truly understand the severity of what she has experienced.

a part of me assumed
finding a man when I’m not looking, who love us both, wants to take care of us, genuinely gets on with her, cares for us in ways no man has and can be a positive male role model that she’s never had, that it would be a good thing.

Can you not see she does not feel safe? No matter how loving he is, or what his intentions might be, or how much you love him, your child does not feel safe. How long have you been out of hospital for, and how long has the new man been around?

No, it’s not what benefits her though is it? Shes telling you that. It benefits you. How can she be the ‘main concern’ when half your mind is on losing the love of your life.

If all this has been ‘slowly slowly’ then how on earth can he love her? He wouldn’t even know her if it was slow. You say you met him two years ago m, then surely he wasn’t introduced for at least a year, and then he cannot see her often because your emphasis should just be on time between you and her. Not you, her and his kids. How can he possibly love her in such a short space of time and with limited contact between them? Do you not see how for a child that has been through what she has that it’s so incredibly rushed?

The trauma that she has experienced and repairing that is ALL that should be your concern, not meeting a new man and sustaining a relationship with him and yes, and I can understand that letting him go would be painful, but nothing compared to what she’s been through.

Sorry? I hope you didn't think I was having a go.

You have to forgive yourself. It wasn't your fault. Yes, she has suffered but you didn't deliberately cause this. You need to recognise the impact but forgive yourself at the same time.

Unfortunately, I don't think it's possible.

I think you need to have a chat with her. Tell her the relationship you have is the most important thing in your life. That you love her very much and you know that things much have been awful for her.

Ask her for a chance to rebuilt the trust between you and ask her to reconsider counselling as you really would like to get back to who things were when she was little.

Maybe ask the social workers for help approaching it.

All the talk of sacrifice and giving up on your last chance of happiness and your heartless daughter not letting the love in is pure histrionics. You’re using the language characteristic of someone very emotionally unstable, and your daughter is going to pick up on this and will not feel safe with you at all.

If you really feel like she had 10 years with you, and that should have been enough (even with the domestic abuse and her mum being a psych inpatient, and not knowing who was going to raise her) - and now she needs to budge up to make room for some new dude and his children, if this is really how you feel, then ask her grandparents to have her back so that she can at least have some stability. And then you’ll be free to swan off into the sunset with your one true love and see how that all works out.

I’m sorry you experienced this.

please hear me when I say I wish I was in any state of mind at that time to consider how it would effect her. Unfortunately, my battle with mental health was so severe I felt the only way out of the pain was to be gone. Give her a better shot. Don’t ask me to explain just know I genuinely thought it would benefit her in ways. Ino that’s not true, but being in that state of mind isn’t a choice and it’s horrible.
im sorry you experienced that.

I’ll never forgive myself that she had to.
I understand.

but years of help being shoved at her offered given and all refused for her to become the worst kind of person I could imagine right now. 4 years. What else can I do? That’s not my opinion, it’s a fact and all professionals involved are just concerned as I that she will not let us in ever. I need more help? I’ve tried everything and more repeatedly. I want to fix this. I want to better her life. Try and at least make up for a shrivel of the misery she’s endured.
please believe me I do not resent her I’m just trying to be brutally honest about the person she portrays right now. I am not the only one to see it.

how can I help when I’ve tried everything over and over

The reason why she's like this now is she is 14 and going through teenage angst coupled with trauma and possibility other diagnoses. You need to come to terms with the fact that this is not going to go away overnight - in fact, it may never be over. It might take years of therapy, and why should she want to engage? So you can feel that she's going to be "fixed"? Even if she did "engage" there's no guarantee it would help.

I agree with @mswales I think it's you who needs to be re-assessed and apply for specialist therapy. You need to be the adult for her.

He wasn’t my main focal point of needing help. He was a factor of the issues caused by her. I’ve initially asked for help with my daughter. But thank you your response is super helpful

Why would she want a random man in her life? That’s a challenge for teenagers in the very best of circumstances and her circumstances have been spectacularly bad. That’s not a judgement on you but an objective observation of the last 4 years of her life.

She needs her mum healthy, well and strong enough to support her recovery from significant trauma. Your DD will need long term, careful help to recover from her experiences - not engaging is very typical because it’s hard, she will need your help to be safe enough to go there. She will need your time and focus, not another man in the house.

Weddings and babies so soon after such an abusive relationship is not remotely in your DDs interests, nor yours to be perfectly honest. If the new man had any insight he’d understand that and back away, for his own kids sake.

Very insightful post 👍
OP - as you are aware you have a severe and life long mental health disorder - borderline personality disorder/ or emotionally unstable personality disorder -
your experience of relationships / attachments / regulation of your emotions is likely to be highly challenging for you -
with the best will in the world, this would have had and will continue to have a massive impact on your relationship with your daughter and her relationship with herself -
you’ve got a parenting course lined up - take it
you’ve been assessed as not suitable for therapy right now, did they suggest what would be more suitable for you ??
could your daughter live with her grandmother again - if that is a more stable relationship ??
you need to access some support and intervention for your daughter - she is clearly really struggling to regulate and cope with the world, and due to your own mental illness, you won’t be in a good position to coach her in emotional regulation, interpersonal skills and coping with teenage life in a challenging world -
keep talking to social services, make them see she is a vulnerable child, and you need help to safeguard her

After reading done of your posts, I think you need counselling first.

I think you need to discuss your relationship with your daughter and the unfair resentment you appearto have towards her (worst child ever, spoilt rotten etc.).

You don't seem to have a real understanding or any insight into what it was like for her. I know you say you do but your words should surface level understanding as opposed to deep insight.

Only with counselling can you start to repair this.

This man cannot possibly love her. I don't even know what you mean by the word in this context. I'm sorry but a man who claims he loves a preteen girl who he has only recently met and who is exhibiting extremely challenging behaviours is either lying, deluded, or dangerous.

Calm. Stable. Solid. Rock. Consistent.

are words that describe how you need to be. For yourself as well as her. Feeling emotional? Give yourself some space.

I am feeling a little suspicious of the language you're using about this guy, it is terribly dramatic.

You need to centre you in your life- not him- no, not even her!! You need to become your own rock, and in doing so have the strength to support her.

Can I reiterate

if you refer to my initial post asking for help

it’s focused on my daughter and how to help her and our relationship

genuine plea for help

nowhere have I said I will do anything to keep him and he comes first. I have stated several times SHE is the main concern and if I have to let him go then SO BE IT.

I want to help my daughter.

please can we not judge a woman in love asking for help with her daughter and turn her genuine attempt at resorting to a last resort for some logical advice from strangers off the internet about helping her daughter into a plea to keep a man!

not the concern!

Of course you weren’t in any state of mind. Mental health is never anyone’s fault, ever. It’s something I had to reconcile myself with too. I hated my mum for so long but I desperately loved her too. It took me so long to realise that sometimes no one is at ‘fault’. She was severely ill and I suffered too. It’s just the way it was. This is likely what your daughter is battling with. She will adore you but she probably feels hate towards you too. Her life was uprooted and she knows it wasn’t your fault but it still happened and she will want to direct hate towards someone, and you’re the easiest target.

You do deserve to be happy, of course you do. But your priorities are so wrong. How can you know this man is the love of your life for sure? You went through a traumatic, abusive relationship. Are you sure you aren’t just clinging to this man and seeing him as your ‘saviour’? It’s very common after abusive relationships.

In the space of 4 years your daughter has lost her mum and her whole world changed and her one source of comfort and love and stability was gone. Then you got better and she started to get her mum back, albeit differently. Then you meet this man and start referring to him as the love of your life? Where does your daughter fit in all of this? She doesn’t need her mum to have a new boyfriend. She needs her mum. She needs the mum she recognises back. She needs stability. Can’t you see how confusing this is for her?

Wholeheartedly agree.

You mention her being horrible to your partner's children. How have you even got that deep into a romantic relationship so quickly after what has happened?

Put your daughter first. Forget a relationship. You need to fix your mother daughter one first.

When did you introduce this stranger and his children to your seriously traumatised daughter?

I understand

In what way does you not prioritising her benefit her?

Also.
I don’t go out.
i don’t party.
brunch.
spa weekends.
all I do is be a mum.
is it really so terrible to of believed someone I feel this love for someone who treats us so well considers us cares for us could be a good addition to our lives?
does that really make me so selfish?

I understand

I think the thing is that you are thinking with a rational adult mind about getting a future you want. Normally, assuming that that future included trying to be an amazing mum to your child, planning ahead like this would be absolutely awesome. However your child is still in trauma mode, and trauma mode means there's no energy to trust or work out whether anything is safe. Things active a flight or flight response that shouldn't because part of trauma is messing up normal judgements of safe Vs unsafe. Your child can't handle working out whether your new relationship is safe. She can't work out what will tear her family apart again and what will not. She just needs you to focus on her until she learns to trust again.

I understand. Thank you