Help? Need brutal honest advice.

[Chel14]

Daughter is 14.

just us for 10 years. Good life.

i was in abusive relationship, destroyed me, her, us. Changed our life.

long story short, I was in mental hospital, she had to stay with maternal grandmother, when we reconnected I wasn’t me. She didn’t receive the same love affection care effort as before.

•appreciate massively how fucking horrific this must have been for a 10 year old. Do not diminish this statement•

however

2 years, 1 relationship, mounds of professionals throwing help her way, school transfers, allowance of poor behaviour, to extreme levels later, I am unable to cope. She is literally ruining any remaining salvageable part of our relationship, ruining her entire life, ruining my relationship with my genuine love of my life, any chance she or I have at happiness. Can’t even ask how did ur day go without it ending in literal tears on my part because of the hatred, brutality and lack of respect or empathy for anyone she displays!
she treats everyone and everyone like less than, unworthy pieces of shit! Treats my partners children like shit, has recorded herself talking to teachers in school in a way I am still shocked about. Complete lack of any good quality right now. No joke. It’s THAT bad. Wish I could tell you it all.

caught her on FaceTime vaping once. Still denies it to this day. I saw it? Close enough to see the flavour? Still denies to my face.

we live alone. Things will go missing or be left out and she will try manipulate my mental health to make me believe it has nothing to do with her. It is scary. Makes up stories to other people that are nowhere near true. Scary.

i recovered so well. Went back to college, got a job. New relationship. New lease on life. Not me again, but better.

she is driving me into the ground. Hates me. Accepts to me it wasn’t my fault what happened in that relationship. Admits she has resentment towards me for various acceptable reasons ie lack of effort when seriously unwell, emotional outbursts etc. understandable. However says it isn’t our fault and doesn’t blame me?

she has adhd (on diagnosis pathway) and what I truly believe to be ODD, possible BPD (I have this)

I have exhausted every avenue tried every approach repeated everything for months day in day out 45 minute deep hearted chats before school she seems to take in. She returns that day from being suspended, to then after 2 hours - be suspended! So what was that mornings heart felt chat and agreement about?

I cannot do it anymore. I have no help.
dad useless. No1 to take her. Social are involved however they have not much advice to help in the immediate future other than wait 16 weeks for a measly parenting course and nowhere to even temporarily accommodate her as even a worst case.

someone please give me realistic advice.

I am not joking when I say I don’t know if I’ll survive this.
everyone who truly knows her agrees she is unbelievable. Deceitful. Has no empathy. Doesn’t care for consequences. Manipulates. Will use my mental health against me eg if I’m talking to her about something she’s done and she doesn’t want to admit it or is trying to twist how it happened she will say so calmly and seeming concerned ‘mum have you took your meds today? Are you ok I’m worried your going insane’

please hear the desperation of how severe this is. If needed I will give more examples. Just please need help.

im afraid for my life and afraid she’s ruined her own.

I am begging for help.

@StanleySteamer mansplaining isn’t about men being inferior creatures at all. It is about men feeling the need to impart wisdom and ideas and being the one and only option because they consider women to be inferior creatures. That is the issue with what you say you consider your experiences and feeling and thoughts to be superior because of your lived in experiences.

But that isn’t how trauma or life works. And through all your talk the one thing you don’t mention is experiencing BPD or a mother failing you or your children - indeed you actually point out that your wife was there for her children.

Now you say "I am not saying you don't know trauma" yet you actually said this
"your background has clearly shaped you, you have to believe that trauma doesn’t exist becuase I suspect if you really delved into it that might not be the case"
Which means that if I don't believe that trauma exists then I cannot "know it".
I have not changed the narrative of my story, I have simply added detail, quote me where I have changed the narrative, if that is the case?
As a man on Mumsnet I have to "make points" because that is simply in the nature of interacting with female Mumsnetters.
I am not in the slightest upset although I think your questioning me knowing what trauma is was a bit much.
But sadly you have now descended into insult, "unhinged" indeed!

@StanleySteamer you really don’t like women do you?

I have never experienced BPD, but my mother and I did not get on at all, she didn't fail me as such, but she never loved me as she got pregnant with me 6 weeks into marriage and once I was there my father devoted much of his time to me. She was an only child and could not stand anyone taking any affection away from her that she believed was her right. So she blamed me, or rather, I suppose, my existence. Their marriage wasn't good at all and they separated once my brother left school.
There is no way in the world that I or any other person can have had exactly the same experiences as the OP, but we can have similar. And I believe that those who have had similar are qualified to share their fellow feelings. This doesn't mean men thinking they are superior.
Have you had similar experiences to the OP? If so, why not express them?

It is totally possible to experience the reactions to trauma that another person feels as I have tried to explain, I share my wife's reactions to the trauma of her abusive marriage most days, in one way or another.
I am conscious that all this is rather hijacking the thread and has become of little use to the OP, so I will try not to come back on on this one.

Sorry!
I actually burst out laughing at that one!
If you only knew!!!
You'd have to ask my (all female) colleagues with whom I worked for about 34 years, both my wives, and ...well I will not go there.
But sadly many Mumsnetters seem to not really like men and probably most women with normal relationships steer clear of Mumsnet!
In fact I don't know one who goes on it! If I didn't like women I don't think I'd bother to come on here at all.
But if they have a go at me, then yep, they get it right back, as I would with anyone of both genders on other fora I use. And believe me, forums like ones to do with car mechanics mention Mumsnet with comments like "You think it's tough for newbies on here? Try Mumsnet! They'll chew you up and spit you out in bubbles!"
Still laughing!🤣🤣

You are the only man on here who knows what what's like? This thread is about the OP's 15yo daughter. Can you clarify why you think a man's perspective on her experiences would be of particular value?

And no, I don't have any lived experience of abuse, but two of my closest friends do, so you aren't the only one with vicarious experience. It's just that some of us understand that knowing someone who has been through that kind of trauma isn't remotely the same as actually having lived experience.

And no, I'm afraid I don't believe what you're saying because your story keeps changing. You originally said that the step-son acted up when you came on the scene and that you and his mum had to make him leave. Now you're saying that the problems started earlier and that you had no part in any of it. Whatever.

As for men on MN, they're more than welcome if they have something sensible or interesting to say. I'm more interested in the content of people's posts than the sex of the poster.

No, in my original post 04/11/2025 at 10-53 I posted
"(PS I have been in a similar situation, meaning as the man presently in her life,. My now wife's son was acting up very similar to OP's daughter.
By setting very strict boundaries etc he and the rest of his siblings now, 35 years later, get on fabulously with his mum and me. It took a while and he was absent from our lives for a few years, mind.)"

I then some 4 hours later posted "When I first came on the scene her son, the youngest, 18 years old, acted up very much like OP's DD. " Which implies possibly, (and definitely to you), that he acted up because I came on the scene. He didn't, he was already acting up, maybe I should have used the longer version of the imperfect tense "he used to act up" or even "he was acting up" as I did in the first post.

I never said that I had no part in making him leave, if you read it again you will see that I said WE had to make him leave. I quote " in the end we had to make him leave." WE! So no, I didn't say I had no part in it whatever.

So please if you are going to post my words back at me, get them right.

At the end of the day, I am a lot closer to a woman with children who suffered abuse than you are. She isn't my friend she is my wife. And her children are my step children we all know each other very well indeed and I have shared in their problems as well as their joys. As well as being their when two of them acted up. But no, I am not allowed to comment using my experience.
By your logic only those who lived through EXACTLY the same experience as the OP should be allowed to comment. In which case her original post would have attracted no comments at all, if we all go by your rules.

The thread isn't just about the OP's daughter she is also asking about whether she should continue to see her new man or not or what else she could do about that part of her life, did you actually read her first post and the others where he is mentioned?
Other posters have and they are telling her in no uncertain terms to drop him like a hot potato, well nearly all of them.

I am the only man on here who knows what it is like to be in a similar position to the OP's new man, which is why I joined the discussion, but apparently that makes no difference either, you just want me to shut up and go away.

I hate to break it to you but you do not run Mumsnet.

Thank you for confirming that you think your views are important because you know what it is like to be in the position of the OP's new man. That is exactly why I thought you were posting and confirms my initial suspicions. You are projecting. This thread is about the daughter.

Thank you also for confirming that you played a part in asking your stepson to leave his home. That also confirms my initial assumption that you had problems with your wife's children when you first got together.

You can argue the toss about whether you are closer to your wife than I am to my friends. I could argue right back at you that you're coming at it with a bias that I don't have because I am not directly identifying with any one individual in the way that you're clearly identifying with the new man. I could also point out that I didn't rock up on the scene when the abusive relationships were over, I saw my friends through the entire traumatic history, including helping one of them plan her secret escape. But none of that would be particularly relevant because neither of us have been the daughter in this scenario, or indeed the OP. And every story will be different in any case.

And no, I don't run mumsnet and you are of course entitled to share your views. But equally, I'm entitled to respond to those views and tell you that I think you are projecting.

As OP doesn't even mention her daughter's father, I don't think I am being unreasonable in assuming that he wasn't/isn't a decent father who is present in his DD's life. It is likely that he was the first of her bad choices of men and the others (that we know about) are the abusive ex-partner that led to her being hospitalised and the new 'love of her life' that seems to have been the final straw for her daughter.

None of these decisions by OP were made with her daughter's best interests at heart and her daughter had no control over her mum's actions and choices.

@StanleySteamer i have a very good relationship with my husband thank you.

I also am far more aware of BPD and the saviour complex which is clearly going on here and perhaps the implications of that including a lot of red flags the OP had around therapy etc.

You aren’t the same as the man in this unless you wish to expand the narrative about your wife also having BPD and if I knew the man I would tell him to cut his losses

the wounds of the parent child relationship run very deep and are potentially unfixable but there was an excellent post about resources the OP could use

I have a life, thanks.

If you think I'm a troll, please feel free to report to MNHQ, as per talk guidelines.

Your contributions to this thread have been pretty transparent and people reading will draw their own conclusions.

It was obvious two days ago and it's even more obvious now. See how the imperious, lecturing tone shifted to straight up nastiness and accusations that you aren't real. He weaponises trauma and centres himself in it (he knows more than you because of his wife's experiences), but when it forms any sort of interference in his relationships or self image, people (children) need to GET OVER IT.

It's absolutely horrid. And entirely unsurprising.

Absolutely. Not to mention the misogyny that is oozing from his posts.

Oh, just seen that the last one was deleted. I didn't report it as I didn't feel the need, but someone else obviously did!

See also: "I'm not racist, my cousin's neighbour's husband is black."

I never used to have any issue with it, and in theory I still haven't, but in practice I just find that, these days at least, we have very few male users who are here for the same reason as most of the female users. Most of them seem to be here to scold and correct us and because they don't think we should be talking unchaperoned by a male presence. They'll deny it of course, and accuse us of MAN HATING (TM) but look at the tone and the purpose. Had someone calling himself CunningLinguist2 or something (I wonder if he was surprised that he wasn't the first user on here to do that prehistoric gag) to tell us what our rights should be and attempt to accuse us of mansplaining and therefore being no better than men when we did not accept his ridiculous argument by (absurd) assertion.

Like I said, I never used to have an issue and I still think men should be able to participate in parenting and lifestyle websites. I just find that, these days at least on here, so, so few of them are here for the reasons they should be.

The thing is, I think there may well be quite a few very decent male posters who just engage like the rest of us and don't feel the need to make any grand announcements about their maleness. There are also some very decent male posters who are obviously men but not in an intrusive way.

And of course, there are some pretty obnoxious female posters as well!

So, as far as I'm concerned, both men and women are absolutely welcome here, but sexism and misogyny are not.

There are a few folks on here that have hijacked the thread with their own argument. This isn't helpful for the OP, if you want to continue your spat go and start your own thread where you can compete to see who knows more about trauma.

Well, thank God you're here to finger wag and bring it back on the feed a day and a half after everyone else has forgotten about it.

I wasn't picking a fight. I was trying to get the chat back on track for the OP. You in the other hand seem very keen to start another argument for zero reason. Anyway I'm out of here so dont bother replying to me. Maybe go and meditate for a bit.

For a day and a half, perhaps?

Yes, I will certainly take tips on calmness, perspective and diplomacy from you. Your posts are absolute zingers of zen and wisdom. Shame we have to wait 36 hours after natural thread death for them.

What I really want to do, of course, is leave the thread dead until Monday afternoon and then come back to finger wag at you, but assuming it does drop off the feed after this, I won't remember it by then. You will!

Tedium personified. I mean you...

<checks username>

Mm hmm.

🥴