Help? Need brutal honest advice.

[Chel14]

Daughter is 14.

just us for 10 years. Good life.

i was in abusive relationship, destroyed me, her, us. Changed our life.

long story short, I was in mental hospital, she had to stay with maternal grandmother, when we reconnected I wasn’t me. She didn’t receive the same love affection care effort as before.

•appreciate massively how fucking horrific this must have been for a 10 year old. Do not diminish this statement•

however

2 years, 1 relationship, mounds of professionals throwing help her way, school transfers, allowance of poor behaviour, to extreme levels later, I am unable to cope. She is literally ruining any remaining salvageable part of our relationship, ruining her entire life, ruining my relationship with my genuine love of my life, any chance she or I have at happiness. Can’t even ask how did ur day go without it ending in literal tears on my part because of the hatred, brutality and lack of respect or empathy for anyone she displays!
she treats everyone and everyone like less than, unworthy pieces of shit! Treats my partners children like shit, has recorded herself talking to teachers in school in a way I am still shocked about. Complete lack of any good quality right now. No joke. It’s THAT bad. Wish I could tell you it all.

caught her on FaceTime vaping once. Still denies it to this day. I saw it? Close enough to see the flavour? Still denies to my face.

we live alone. Things will go missing or be left out and she will try manipulate my mental health to make me believe it has nothing to do with her. It is scary. Makes up stories to other people that are nowhere near true. Scary.

i recovered so well. Went back to college, got a job. New relationship. New lease on life. Not me again, but better.

she is driving me into the ground. Hates me. Accepts to me it wasn’t my fault what happened in that relationship. Admits she has resentment towards me for various acceptable reasons ie lack of effort when seriously unwell, emotional outbursts etc. understandable. However says it isn’t our fault and doesn’t blame me?

she has adhd (on diagnosis pathway) and what I truly believe to be ODD, possible BPD (I have this)

I have exhausted every avenue tried every approach repeated everything for months day in day out 45 minute deep hearted chats before school she seems to take in. She returns that day from being suspended, to then after 2 hours - be suspended! So what was that mornings heart felt chat and agreement about?

I cannot do it anymore. I have no help.
dad useless. No1 to take her. Social are involved however they have not much advice to help in the immediate future other than wait 16 weeks for a measly parenting course and nowhere to even temporarily accommodate her as even a worst case.

someone please give me realistic advice.

I am not joking when I say I don’t know if I’ll survive this.
everyone who truly knows her agrees she is unbelievable. Deceitful. Has no empathy. Doesn’t care for consequences. Manipulates. Will use my mental health against me eg if I’m talking to her about something she’s done and she doesn’t want to admit it or is trying to twist how it happened she will say so calmly and seeming concerned ‘mum have you took your meds today? Are you ok I’m worried your going insane’

please hear the desperation of how severe this is. If needed I will give more examples. Just please need help.

im afraid for my life and afraid she’s ruined her own.

I am begging for help.

Have you both had counselling?

She sounds like she has quite complex trauma.

I tried last year. Did a 19 week assessment type therapy. Unsure if he was just not right for me, or if he’s completely true, but his final evaluation was - right now I am not right for therapy.
this was mainly due to my lack of memory for most of my life. I haven’t had the worst life I appreciate I’ve had good mementos and a mum that loved me, but have experienced some severe trauma that has completely changed me and is now blocked from my memory, not from lack of searching. I feel due to the way he described this evaluation that he ultimately felt this was me unwilling to engage. I swear this is not true. I have very little memory of my life or of my daughter’s life. I would like help with this.
to be referred again, I’d be passed on to this same man. He is the only person in this role for my borough. What would you suggest?

she was offered it, they went to extreme lengths to accommodate her, even visiting us which is not normal. She would not engage. She admits how she would probably benefit from it. I honestly think if she did take part they would maybe get 10% truth from her.
thanks for your reply

yes she is holding onto some immense trauma. My heart is broken for her, however she is at a point where I do not have a single idea left.

"she will say so calmly and seeming concerned ‘mum have you took your meds today? Are you ok I’m worried your going insane"

This resonated with me. I have watched my mum slip slowly into dementia which is insanity in a way. This is only a theory, but is your daughter really scared of loosing you again? Could she be keeping herself away from you in case you stop being able to look after her again? I would honestly be looking at urgent, private trauma therapy even if you have to beg or borrow to get the money to be it.

I know and have had confirmation from professionals that it’s NOT me going insane, or I’d believe it! She’s that convincing it’s so scary. Relays events to other people and when I hear it I think wow, not only is that some wild imagination that is fucking dangerous.

getting the help isn’t the problem, it’s her absolute unwillingness to engage. Completely disregards help and refuses to accept or respect anyone of any authority.

So for 10 years it was just you and her and everything was good, which means that in just 4 years she has been through an abusive step parent, her mother being in mental hospital and then when you came out you shortly started a new relationship which you introduced to her?

You really, really need to step back from 'the genuine love of your life' and spend some time with just the two of you until you are back to it being all good just the two of you.

If he really is the love of your life he will wait until you have done what you need to do for your daughter. And if he doesn't he's not deserving of being in your daughter's life in any case.

Even if she says it was not your fault the facts are that she was a child, you were the adult and not only did you introduce the toxic person into her life, you were then totally and completely unable to protect her from them. You owe her big time. Yes, she will kick off and be trouble until you prove to her conclusively that she is your first priority, and that you will do whatever you need to do to make things right for her again.

What nice things do you do together just the 2 of you? What is it about her that you like?

I think this is true.

I completely understand this. And please respect when I say the entire relationship is being done in a way which most benefits her. My focus is her, not him. She is always our first. Always. I made her, I will never not see her as the most important person in my life.

however, please understand. I have met someone who has given me the type of love I never thought was real. You may not get this, and previous me would have barfed at the sound of this sentence. But I have found that once in a life time rare kind of love.

he is kind, caring, all the other amazing qualities anyway. They got on great since day one. He treated her as his own, although we didn’t rush anything. Always thinks of us both not just me. Genuinely good relationship. Until her mask slipped and she allowed the worst of herself to come out in front of him. The front is no longer there. He has now been subjected to the behaviour I have. She treats these people like shit. No human deserves what they do. She treats me even worse.

so I made the decision to do things in her best interest. We halted moving in together. We spend time together when she’s busy. He doesn’t come to her home when she’s here anymore. Respected her needs. Stayed well away from her.
however.
She has got worse. will purposely wait until I’m on the phone to him and burst into the room with an obnoxious loud comment knowing full well would piss us both off. Wish I could think of an example. So evil.

it’s a case of understanding babies weddings houses were on the cards - therefore the basic boundaries and rules my partner as a fully functioning parent has, making her react out so she gets her own way. She knows she can ruin it. Please don’t think tats my nasty opinion. I love her so much but this is true. She wants me to herself.

Currently we don’t do much. Her behaviour is so so bad I honestly can’t reward it. However will tell her how proud I am and praise her for every small win. One good day at school? Well done mate. Let’s make it 2. Proud of you. Keep going.
normally, cinema, beach, food, shopping, bowling, films, nails, variety. Her lack of interest in anything right now is a problem.

right now, I like that she’s my daughter.
I have a long list of what I don’t like :(
I sound fucking horrible.
wish you could all feel how bad she is acting out. My whole adult life has been dedicated to being her mum. I need help

Can I also add.
daily asking u wanna com have a chat? (Out of her room) or u wanna watch something? Wanna walk the shop? Come the forest behind ours? Do a face mask? I don’t ignore her

So let her have you to herself!
Babies, wedding etc?!
Cant you see how this is making her feel?
At the moment, and probably for quite some time, she needs you to put her first.

I have been just hers for 10 years tho? And feel I have for another 2 years since all that? Till I met him? And now it’s been another 2? So 4? Do I really need to lose him in order for me to have my daughter back? Don’t I deserve my happiness too? Even if it’s done in the best way to protect her?
I mean be honest it’s what I need

me 5 years ago would of despised this version of me. I’m so lost :(

I feel for your situation but in the last 4 years, she had had:

• experienced an abusive relationship
• her mum in a mental hospital
• had to life with her grandparent
• then another new man in her life (not wonder she is terrified after the impact the last one had)

She hasn't had an opportunity to rebuild a relationship woth just her mum since you recovered.

Her behaviour is completely understandable.

It comes from deep fear, abandonment, lack of stability.

Forget about him. Your daughter needs you more right now.

I understand.

I will never forgive myself for the abuse she witnessed. I can’t imagine the lifelong effect that will have.
I thought I could have her and my love. Do it ina way to keep her safe and happy yet keep my happiness too.
I realise this isn’t possible now

So all was ok for 10 years, since then she’s experienced domestic abuse, saw her mum hospitalised, moved to stay with her grab, mum came out of hospital a different woman - resulting in less affection for your DD, moved back in with mum, saw her enter a new relationship and was expected to accept him and his kids, and she’s being blamed for ruining her mums love life. And you wonder what’s wrong with her?

Respectfully you need to put her first, absolutely front and centre of your life. Keep your new relationship and his kids well away from her. She needs you, she needs to see you stable, consistent and there for her. She needs to see you managing the home, caring for her and being available to her. She needs to see you attending to your own mental health - if you’re not ready for therapy I’d suggest you’re way too vulnerable for a new relationship much less one involving other children. You not having basic memories is a massive concern in terms of how traumatised you are. It’s not time not least because your ability to have perspective on the “love of your life” is compromised.

How much time have you had with her since coming out of hospital just you and her? How was the abuse and your subsequent ill health explained to her, what support has she had from family and friends? How was the move back to you handled and how well were you at that point. Trying to find a care placement for her won’t improve anything - she’s had her world turned upside down for 4 years, in her shoes I’d be burning the world down.

She wants me to herself.

It sounds like she needs you to herself right now. You are telling yourself that your new relationship is on her best interests, but she is telling you otherwise, and I think she may very well be right. It sounds like your relationship has moved far, far too quickly and it has further destabilised her. You.may consider that you have pulled back and slowed things down but honestly, given the trauma she has endured in the past four years, at such a critical time in her development, I think your focus needs to be on her 100%.

Wish there was a way I didn’t have to lose him. Wish she would allow the extra love in our life. That’s all he’s ever tried to give. They really got on so well. Till the realisation kicked in, this is long term!

thanks for your advice guys.

I understand I have to sacrifice the man I never thought I’d find in order to give my daughter what she needs.

she will always be number 1

With respect, 4 years? 4 years where she is supposed to have got over everything that happened, having her young life turned over and over again and then she’s had to accept a man, his children and all that comes with that. In normal circumstances? No, not rushed. In yours? I absolutely think it is. She’s 14 -and has spent a large chunk of her life upside down add on top of that the usual teen angst and do you think she should give a single shit about whether she upsets him? Or you in that process? I’m not qualified to tell you how you can help her, but I’m sure as shit it isn’t by bringing a man into her life after all that has happened.

I don’t wonder what’s wrong with her. I’ve made it clear I blame MYSELF, not her. I should have protected her. I was weak. This is my fault. What I don’t understand is why 4 years later she is the worst she’s ever been and is honestly one of the worst children I’ve ever met.

she is my one true love before any man. Always will be.
however.
please see the emphasis on how really fucking evil and horrid she has become.
not due to years of ways to help being offered.

please see the efforts made don’t assume I’m a shit mum who just wants a man.
not the case at all.
thought I’d been clear enough.

My DS aged 15 is a similar, although thankfully milder, version of your DD (there has also been less trauma in his life). I am also wondering about ADHD, PDA etc.

You know, it's OK to take time out. Everyone's going to suffer if she pushes you over the edge again. If she starts up (providing she's safe to be left), leave the house and go for a walk, or lock yourself in your room and watch a film. Low contact, low confrontation. DS hates this, he wants his verbal punchbag at hand at all times. But it's OK not to want to be abused in your own home.

But why would you feel the need to have a relationship again ? Why can’t you wait until she is older and settled and managed to heal a lot further from what she as a child has been through ?
can’t you see how scared she must feel about it all ?
I can read here that you love her but she has to feel that she is your priority, a relationship with a man and his children is so much for her to take on after what you’ve both been through before

It is so evidently clear from your post and how you describe your feelings about your daughter that your mental health is a massive issue, and is what's at the core of your daughter's behaviour and how you're unable to cope with it or give her what she needs. BPD is such a serious condition - have you had the specialised dialectical therapy for it? It sounds like you're engaging in splitting in how you perceive her.

Please try to remember that she is a traumatised child, and all her behaviour (including refusing to engage with therapy, being rude, manipulative etc) is an expression of an unmet need.

Your daughter should be the love of your life not another man only a couple of years after you were hospitalised and your daughter destroyed by an abusive one. But you are clearly traumatised too and it's classic BPD to have that intense "love" that you feel you can't possibly do without. Please please get the special BPD therapy. I feel so sorry for your daughter. And for you.

Please understand it’s all been done in a way which best benefits her. She has always been main concern even before his. Because of the trauma she’s endured.

does anyone understand I’ve found my soulmate willing and wanting to take care of us both, love us both, take care of us and experience life with us? Is there no1 that’s felt that can understand why I’m asking random people on the internet for some suggestions to make this work.

there’s a sliver of me hoping there’s a way. For us all to be happy. She isn’t going to be pushed out, he loves her. Tried every way to please her. Spoilt rotten. She has taken advantage and used and manipulated till it suited her.

so there’s no way. I have to let him go.
got it.

I didn’t plan to fall in love again! Was adamant I didn’t want it. Can’t help how you feel.

but understand what I have to do

I’m trying. I do my best regardless how I may sound right now.

my heart is broken for her. I cry myself to sleep a lot. Full of regret. Guilt. You have no idea.