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Teenagers

Parenting teenagers has its ups and downs. Get advice from Mumsnetters here.

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Original poster

13yo DD lost virginity

405 replies

Completelydevastated · 02/11/2025 18:24

I am the mother to a beautiful 13yo girl who suffers from poor mental health.

Last year she attempted an OD and has been medicated and seeing a psychiatrist since. She has always had body image issues, for no reason might I add, she's beautiful and funny and intelligent and slim. During this past year we became, or as I thought, close. I always check in on her MH, we always say I love you, have hugs, shop, watch movies.

A month ago she started going out with a very clingy and needy 15 yo. He is in foster care and it raised red flags immediately as he was telling her he loves her, begging her not to leave him etc.. I was very cognizant of the age gap, at 13 years old a 15 year old is in a much different place developmentally. Immediately he started saying things like 'I'm glad I'm still a virgin even though all my friends arent' and 'if I got a girl pregnant we wouldn't get an abortion'. Obviously I was worried but this is her 1st bf and so I put it down to being overprotective and worried I would spoil her fun.

On Friday we went away for a family Halloween weekend, and 30 minutes after checking into our accommodation my DD told me they'd had sex, outdoors, in broad daylight and without protection. My entire world just collapsed. She had her 1st kiss 3 weeks ago and lost her virginity 3 weeks later.

I completely lost it and my daughter became emotionless and combative. Her dad was devastated.

She has been on the pill for the past 8 months due to suspected endometriosis to manage the symptoms and she seems to have emboldened by this. However that doesn't protect her 100% so now we have a potential pregnancy to deal with.

We cut our weekend short and drove back yesterday, today I had to visit the boys home and explain why we were there because the cowardly little shit couldn't explain to his foster family why we were coming to speak to them. The foster father was nice, and the boy stayed out of sight entirely. I wanted to see him, wanted him to see tge devastation on our faces that he played a part in.

The issue now is my daughter, she seems not to realise that she's thrown a grenade into the middle of our family. Doesn't give a shit that she could be pregnant and in her words 'I'll get an abortion'. I told her this is going to complete change our relationship and she said we didn't have one anyway. Im so fucking hurt by her.

She also stated she doesn't know why we are angry, this doesn't impact us. I feel like I'm living on another planet.

My 13 yo might be pregnant, didn't think about stds, the fact they were both commiting an offence... she just doesn't care that her family is falling apart. The only emotion she showed was when we told her the relationship was over and they were not to see one another again.

Her entire school year knows she might be pregnant and I'm convinced this is the only reason she told us. But Ive realised that she hates me through all this, she genuinely absolutely hates me... and I'm wondering why I'm still here tbh. If it wasn't for debt that we are in as a result of providing for her I could walk away, but now I'm stuck here until 2028 when we are debt free.

OP posts:
DailyEnergyCrisis · 02/11/2025 18:28

If this is true, you are the issue here- can’t help but make it all about you.

Also, being ‘slim’ doesn’t make you immune from having poor MH. Even if you’re also intelligent and beautiful.

dementedpixie · 02/11/2025 18:28

I think you have overreacted in the way you've spoken to her. Why would you cut your weekend short? If shes taking a contraceptive pill shes unlikely to be pregnant (luckily) and hopefully no STIs would be involved due to the age of both of them.

Pollqueen · 02/11/2025 18:29

She doesn't hate you. Please believe that, she's 13 which is such a tricky age

dicentra365 · 02/11/2025 18:30

I’ve been in your position. Will try and answer fully later, but fgs cut the hyperbole and talk of the world ending. The important thing now is that you pull yourself together in front of her and be a grown up.

Wolfiefan · 02/11/2025 18:30

Their relationship doesn’t sound great but she’s confided in you and you’ve blown it. You’re the one who is detonating a grenade in the family. Not her.

Pollqueen · 02/11/2025 18:31

I don't think you're over reacting over her having sex, despite what previous posters think, I would be horrified by that too

Screwyoucolin · 02/11/2025 18:32

I don't think you have handled this well at all. Firstly you need to calm down - a lot. Getting angry will just push her away. She is on the pill so unlikely to be pregnant. Yes not ideal but she won't be the first nor the last.

PinkFrogss · 02/11/2025 18:32

Telling you sounds like it was a cry for help. What have you done apart from be devastated, go nuclear and decide your family and life is ruined?

What do you mean walk away? Give your head a wobble ffs.

I would be phoning the school tomorrow to make them aware if they go to the same school, and also to promote the school counsellor or whoever is responsible for that sort of role to talk to your DD to support her.

dairydebris · 02/11/2025 18:32

You told your vulnerable 13 year old daughter that this would change your relationship?

Youve no reason to suspect she's pregnant either.

You need to take a breath and calm down. You've somehow made this all about you.

Go find her right now and apologize for over reacting, and start healing the damage you've done.

Then you can talk about why this isn't ok and the reasons why. But go to her right now and start smoothing things over.

donteventhinkaboutthat · 02/11/2025 18:33

I think you’ve really over reacted.

I know you’re angry but you’ve assigned too many characteristics to both of them - especially ‘little shit’. He’s obviously a vulnerable child.

also wtf about debt? What’s that got to do with anything?

I agree with PP that chances of pregnancy and STD are pretty minimal.

I am sorry you’re going through this but I think your daughter needs you more than ever.

PinkFrogss · 02/11/2025 18:33

Also how does her entire school year know that she might be pregnant? Confused

Original poster
Completelydevastated · 02/11/2025 18:33

DailyEnergyCrisis · 02/11/2025 18:28

If this is true, you are the issue here- can’t help but make it all about you.

Also, being ‘slim’ doesn’t make you immune from having poor MH. Even if you’re also intelligent and beautiful.

Im not making it about me, but believe it or not I am entitled to have feelings about it. Ir does impact me. She is 13yo and may be pregnant.

Im well aware of what constitutes poor mental health, Ive been dealing with her MH since she was 6/7 years old. But christ thanks for your take on a situation thats pulling my family and another's apart.

My comment on her being slim is to point out that her body image issues are in her head, they are a component of her condition which is not related to disordered eating or body dysmorphia. Christ is this what the world of mothers has come to?

OP posts:
Screwyoucolin · 02/11/2025 18:34

Pollqueen · 02/11/2025 18:31

I don't think you're over reacting over her having sex, despite what previous posters think, I would be horrified by that too

I think you would be hard pushed to find a parent who wouldn't be horrified at their 13 year old having sex. However how it is handled will make the world of difference. Flying off the handle is likely to just push her further away, as easy as it would be to lose it.

Cookingupmyfirstbornson · 02/11/2025 18:35

Good god reign it in a little!

Mangetoutmangetouti · 02/11/2025 18:36

I can’t believe you said to her that this would change your relationship. I haven’t got time to read the full thread but I hope you’ve backtracked and apologised to your vulnerable CHILD

custardlover · 02/11/2025 18:36

For goodness sake, firstly, this is a wild overreaction and you are the one going to cause lasting damage to your relationship here - grow up. Secondly, you need to change your attitude to the boyfriend - calling a 15 year old a little shit is a bit much - he’s also just a child and yes, may be troubled and is certainly having a hard time as he is looked after. Your attitude is just going to make him (and perhaps her) hate you. And if she is pregnant (which is frankly very unlikely if she is in the pill), well do you want to alienate him already?

VikaOlson · 02/11/2025 18:37

Poor kid, you're massively overreacting and making this all about you.
Going round and confronting the boy and his foster carers and wanting him to see your devastation is just drama for the sake of it.
You really need to rein in your emotions now, as your reaction is what is going to make this a disaster or not - you're the one risking throwing a grenade into your family.

dementedpixie · 02/11/2025 18:37

If shes on the pill it's very unlikely for her to be pregnant. You can be angry and disappointed but she needs support and help and going ballistic will drive her away/make her shut down.

Sandcaaarstle · 02/11/2025 18:37

OP, your DD needs an adult to talk to at this horribly vulnerable time of her life. That adult could (and should) have been you. You need to apologise. You need to let her know that whatever happens in her life, you’ll be there for her. The message you’ve conveyed so far is the absolute opposite of that.

Grain25 · 02/11/2025 18:38

Completelydevastated · 02/11/2025 18:33

Im not making it about me, but believe it or not I am entitled to have feelings about it. Ir does impact me. She is 13yo and may be pregnant.

Im well aware of what constitutes poor mental health, Ive been dealing with her MH since she was 6/7 years old. But christ thanks for your take on a situation thats pulling my family and another's apart.

My comment on her being slim is to point out that her body image issues are in her head, they are a component of her condition which is not related to disordered eating or body dysmorphia. Christ is this what the world of mothers has come to?

Show quote history

Fucking Hell, she isn’t pregnant, she’s on the pill.

13 is young but teenagers have been having sex since the dawn of time. I did at 14 because I wanted to, and there have been no negative consequences. You need to seriously calm down. A teenager having sex has to be reminded about using protection and yhealthy relationship dynamics. Cutting holidays short and saying your family is falling apart because a teenager has had sex is genuinely unhinged behaviour.

OnlyOnAFriday · 02/11/2025 18:38

I’d be upset and worried this won’t be the last time. In this sort of chances of a teen pregnancy are high. She can’t be trusted to take the pill reliably or to use condoms, I’d be discussing the implant with her but accept you can’t make her have it.

i do agree that acting like the world has ended won’t help, you need to stay calm and keep communication going.

you say the relationship is over. Can you enforce this? How will you know? Is he at the same school? Will she not sneak off and see him?

MMO · 02/11/2025 18:38

Hells bells. Why is her virginity your business anyway. I get the pregnancy thing but that's very unlikely if she's taking contraception. You should be glad she felt able to come to you......not sure she would again in the future though. You need to apologise, for your reaction AND for embarrassing her

Jk987 · 02/11/2025 18:39

You told her this would change your entire relationship? Why would you say that?
You’re going on and on about the vague possibility she might be pregnant but my God, she’s on the pill!
I also think you’re lacking empathy…

pinkteddy · 02/11/2025 18:39

Please take her for the morning after pill - you can take it up to 5 days after sex. That will at least minimise the chance of an unwanted pregnancy - an abortion will be extremely traumatic. Please remember that they are both children.

MyameVyce · 02/11/2025 18:42

Oh OP, I realise you are devastated by this but it’s a crucial moment right now and you need to take care not to push your DD away. From what you have described, she’s a vulnerable child. She is a victim here. She had told you what has happened probably because she doesn’t feel safe in the relationship or can’t deal alone with all the feelings that are coming up. She is a child and she needs you. Please don’t make her feel shame. You can rescue this, reach back out to her and tell her you love her, you acted like that because you are scared for her, reassure her that she’s done nothing wrong and you’re there for her. If you don’t, you will push her into the arms of the bf and she will start staying out at night, engaging in more risky behaviours, and she will be shut down from you. Good luck OP. Please approach with a soft heart and compassion no matter how hard this is for you x