13yo DD lost virginity

[Completelydevastated]

I am the mother to a beautiful 13yo girl who suffers from poor mental health.

Last year she attempted an OD and has been medicated and seeing a psychiatrist since. She has always had body image issues, for no reason might I add, she's beautiful and funny and intelligent and slim. During this past year we became, or as I thought, close. I always check in on her MH, we always say I love you, have hugs, shop, watch movies.

A month ago she started going out with a very clingy and needy 15 yo. He is in foster care and it raised red flags immediately as he was telling her he loves her, begging her not to leave him etc.. I was very cognizant of the age gap, at 13 years old a 15 year old is in a much different place developmentally. Immediately he started saying things like 'I'm glad I'm still a virgin even though all my friends arent' and 'if I got a girl pregnant we wouldn't get an abortion'. Obviously I was worried but this is her 1st bf and so I put it down to being overprotective and worried I would spoil her fun.

On Friday we went away for a family Halloween weekend, and 30 minutes after checking into our accommodation my DD told me they'd had sex, outdoors, in broad daylight and without protection. My entire world just collapsed. She had her 1st kiss 3 weeks ago and lost her virginity 3 weeks later.

I completely lost it and my daughter became emotionless and combative. Her dad was devastated.

She has been on the pill for the past 8 months due to suspected endometriosis to manage the symptoms and she seems to have emboldened by this. However that doesn't protect her 100% so now we have a potential pregnancy to deal with.

We cut our weekend short and drove back yesterday, today I had to visit the boys home and explain why we were there because the cowardly little shit couldn't explain to his foster family why we were coming to speak to them. The foster father was nice, and the boy stayed out of sight entirely. I wanted to see him, wanted him to see tge devastation on our faces that he played a part in.

The issue now is my daughter, she seems not to realise that she's thrown a grenade into the middle of our family. Doesn't give a shit that she could be pregnant and in her words 'I'll get an abortion'. I told her this is going to complete change our relationship and she said we didn't have one anyway. Im so fucking hurt by her.

She also stated she doesn't know why we are angry, this doesn't impact us. I feel like I'm living on another planet.

My 13 yo might be pregnant, didn't think about stds, the fact they were both commiting an offence... she just doesn't care that her family is falling apart. The only emotion she showed was when we told her the relationship was over and they were not to see one another again.

Her entire school year knows she might be pregnant and I'm convinced this is the only reason she told us. But Ive realised that she hates me through all this, she genuinely absolutely hates me... and I'm wondering why I'm still here tbh. If it wasn't for debt that we are in as a result of providing for her I could walk away, but now I'm stuck here until 2028 when we are debt free.

Autistic girls often have mental health challenges (anxiety, depression, debilitating perfectionism, self-loathing) from very early on, in the absence of ACEs. They are also more likely than their NT peers to have eating disorders and to end up in abusive / coercive relationships.

(Al least one of their parents is often autistic as well and prone to the same kinds of anxiety and perfectionism and all or nothing thinking)

I imagine that is part of the picture here.

She’s unlikely to be pregnant Op so try to calm down. I understand why you are horrified but I think you’re destroying your relationship… she will never tell you anything again if this is how you react. Her family is not falling apart because of her but because of your reactions.

Take a deep breath, try to calm down, deal with any issues like pregnancy or STIs if they arise. It’s done now… she can’t take it back. Try and keep communication channels open.

She’s unlikely to be pregnant Op so try to calm down. I understand why you are horrified but I think you’re destroying your relationship… she will never tell you anything again if this is how you react. Her family is not falling apart because of her but because of your reactions.

Take a deep breath, try to calm down, deal with any issues like pregnancy or STIs if they arise. It’s done now… she can’t take it back. Try and keep communication channels open.

you really have no reason to think she’s pregnant - I’m assuming you’ve been overseeing the medication administration.

you understandably have big feelings about this but you need to regulate yourself. You have a responsibility as an adult not to be as reactive as your have been. She made a mistake (she’ll likely make a hundred more) and all you’re teaching her is that your love is conditional.

Of course she doesn’t hate you - and you as an adult should be able to reason that. Unlike your 13 year old who you’ve just threatened to walk away from? You’re talking about her with such disdain, and I’d hazard a guess that she’s picking up on that.

She’s your child, she doesn’t owe you anything, as the parent you owe her everything.

I think you need to apologise for your reaction, explain why the choices she’s made shocked you and start repairing your relationship so she can trust you again.

You’re entitled to feel exactly as you choose. I too would be horrified at this series of events. You can rant and rave and say what ever you wish to her dad/your friends.
BUT I really don’t think your reaction in front of her has been helpful at all. She didn’t need to tell you at all, but she did. And you’ve blown up. She’s not likely to come running to you in a hurry again I’m afraid.
She’s told you for a reason. Are you sure it actually happened? Is it possible she’s just attempting to shock you and was looking for the reaction.
Was it fully consensual? I can’t imagine my 13 yr old bending even vaguely ready for a sexual relationship.
I hope you’ve asked thaws things and checked she’s ok. It’s sounds like you’ve just yelled at her and made her feel slutty and grubby.

Omg, the responses here. Oh no its not a big deal, a 13-year-old is having sex.

I have a 13-year-old daughter, and yes, I would be horrified and devastated in OP, position.

Also, there is a HUGE difference between a 13-year-old and a 15-year-old, two years at that age is huge.

OP, you never should have left them alone together.

Deep breath. I completely understand why you’re upset. It’s raw,and unexpected
Get MAP from pharmacy can take up to 5day post-sex. Give her a hug,tell her you’re here for her
Get yourself composed,calm and steady (good for you,good for her) it’s a lot to process

You’ve handled this awfully! Be there for her!!!!

13? 13? How sadly times have changed - when I was 13 I hadn't even started my periods and certainly had no interest or knowledge of sex - thank God. Whatever happened to childhood?

I’m sorry you are going through such a difficult time. She is still your child and you are still her mother. Make sure she understands that you still love her just as much as before this happened.

It doesn’t sound like you handled this very well at all. I lost mine at 14, told my mum and of course she probably wasn’t happy but it didn’t have the slightest impact on how she treated me etc and she certainly didn’t go marching to the boys door, how embarrassing for everyone involved. As for banging on about her being pregnant, she’s on the pill?? As long as she’s taking it properly there’s next to no chance of pregnancy.

I remember when I was in year 10, one of our music lessons sitting in a room about 8 of us chatting and two or three of them had already had sex with their boyfriend/girlfriends. I remember thinking wow they are so grown-up. We were all 14 that summer (it was autumn term) due to be 15 that year. Obviously it wasn’t the norm, but it wasn’t wildly uncommon and I don’t remember thinking it was the end of the world.
I know she’s 13 & you’re right upset. I would be too.
But I don’t think it’s as rare as you imagine & she appears to have done it of her own free will. She needs love understanding and educating,

You do sound like you've lost the plot . Why on earth would you react like this when she's confided in you . It guarantees she won't do again . My grand daughter had sex with her boyfriend when she was 13 , her parents stayed calm and talked to her about the pitfalls , went with her to the GP and decided between them that she would go on the pill . I feel so sorry for your daughter , she must be devastated by your reaction .

This is not all about you. Nor has your world ended. DD is most likely not pregnant and will not catch an STI. Nor does she hate you. She's thirteen. Why did you come home? And what a conversation to have with your DD when she tells you she has lost her virginity. This is not the conversation you have - really. Calm down.

No one is saying that it isn’t a big deal, but telling a 13 year old who has mental health problems that she had changed their relationship
and she must hate her mum for having sex is an over reaction and damaging. She is clearly vulnerable and going nuclear isn’t going to help the daughter at all.

You're catastrophising and that isn't at all helpful in this situation.

The reality is she is on the pill so unlikely to be pregnant and if he was a virgin too, it's hyperbole to be talking about STDs.

Obviously, it is a shock and undesirable behaviour and they shouldn't be left alone together again. But please calm down so you can talk to your daughter sensibly about this. She is not mature enough to be in a sexual relationship and you will have the unenviable task of explaining that to her in terms she can understand.

However, you won't be able to do that if you damage your relationship with her, so you really should calm down and stop acting as though everything bad that could possibly happen is going to happen re pregnancy and STDs.

The OP could absolutely have handled it better, but some of the responses on here are wild. 13 is very very young. And the 13yo's response suggests this won't be a one off.

Ah - wow at 6? At 10+ I could have imagined but is is so very young...

I see what you mean - both mother and daughter may be handling things in a way driven by autistic anxiety and social and communication difficulties... Maybe.

So true. I had sex at 14. Difference is my mum never knew. No harm done.

You wanted him to see ‘the pain etched in your faces.’ Jeez calm down

It’s not ideal but you’ve handled this appallingly. She opened up to you and you’ve behaved like the whole world has fallen apart.

You handled this just about as badly as you could. I’d be amazed if your DD ever confides in you again.

Not one bit of your OP seems like it’s about any concern for your DD. All pure hyperbole about you.

Im not making it about me

Really?

"My entire world just collapsed...."

"I completely lost it..." (not helpful) "...and my daughter became emotionless and combative" (not surprising).

"We cut our weekend short and drove back yesterday" - was that really necessary?

"[I] wanted him to see tge devastation on our faces that he played a part in..." - devastation?? Really?

"...she just doesn't care that her family is falling apart..." - why does the family have to fall apart?

"I told her this is going to complete change our relationship..." - why does it have to change your relationship?

"If it wasn't for debt that we are in as a result of providing for her I could walk away, but now I'm stuck here until 2028 when we are debt free." What??

So much hyperbole and hysteria. Totally unhelpful. Take a deep breath and have a talk with your daughter. Chances are she's not pregnant if she's on the pill.

This is not something she has done to you. It’s not something she has done that fundamentally changes her as a person, or your relationship. She is the same child for goodness sake. Don’t act like having sex has somehow soiled her, why would you feel like that? She’s your daughter and this isn’t 1850. Feminism happened and one thing it achieved was the end of the association between “virginity” and value.

Yes it was silly behaviour on her part (assuming she consented) but she is really young and won’t have thought through any potential consequences. It sounds like you are incredibly worried and I do understand why, I worry a lot too. But reasonably the most likely result of them having sex is nothing - for your family at least, it might have a lasting impact on her well-being depending if this unhealthy relationship continues.

Her telling you was a huge show of trust. Don’t mess this up.

I am in my 40s and there were definitely 13 year olds having sex in my school (but I did leave in Hull which was the teenage pregnancy capital of the UK at the time). Teenage pregnancies have significantly reduced since the 90s so I suspect less teens are at it nowadays.

Your reaction to this has been awful. I understand you're upset and it's a shock but fgs why are you acting like the world has ended and your relationship is forever changed?? Why would it be?

If she's taking her pill as she should, the chance of her being pregnant is very slim. Not impossible granted, but slim. I presume she confided in you because she felt like she could trust you, and you have completely and utterly blown it by acting like a loon.