13yo DD lost virginity

[Completelydevastated]

I am the mother to a beautiful 13yo girl who suffers from poor mental health.

Last year she attempted an OD and has been medicated and seeing a psychiatrist since. She has always had body image issues, for no reason might I add, she's beautiful and funny and intelligent and slim. During this past year we became, or as I thought, close. I always check in on her MH, we always say I love you, have hugs, shop, watch movies.

A month ago she started going out with a very clingy and needy 15 yo. He is in foster care and it raised red flags immediately as he was telling her he loves her, begging her not to leave him etc.. I was very cognizant of the age gap, at 13 years old a 15 year old is in a much different place developmentally. Immediately he started saying things like 'I'm glad I'm still a virgin even though all my friends arent' and 'if I got a girl pregnant we wouldn't get an abortion'. Obviously I was worried but this is her 1st bf and so I put it down to being overprotective and worried I would spoil her fun.

On Friday we went away for a family Halloween weekend, and 30 minutes after checking into our accommodation my DD told me they'd had sex, outdoors, in broad daylight and without protection. My entire world just collapsed. She had her 1st kiss 3 weeks ago and lost her virginity 3 weeks later.

I completely lost it and my daughter became emotionless and combative. Her dad was devastated.

She has been on the pill for the past 8 months due to suspected endometriosis to manage the symptoms and she seems to have emboldened by this. However that doesn't protect her 100% so now we have a potential pregnancy to deal with.

We cut our weekend short and drove back yesterday, today I had to visit the boys home and explain why we were there because the cowardly little shit couldn't explain to his foster family why we were coming to speak to them. The foster father was nice, and the boy stayed out of sight entirely. I wanted to see him, wanted him to see tge devastation on our faces that he played a part in.

The issue now is my daughter, she seems not to realise that she's thrown a grenade into the middle of our family. Doesn't give a shit that she could be pregnant and in her words 'I'll get an abortion'. I told her this is going to complete change our relationship and she said we didn't have one anyway. Im so fucking hurt by her.

She also stated she doesn't know why we are angry, this doesn't impact us. I feel like I'm living on another planet.

My 13 yo might be pregnant, didn't think about stds, the fact they were both commiting an offence... she just doesn't care that her family is falling apart. The only emotion she showed was when we told her the relationship was over and they were not to see one another again.

Her entire school year knows she might be pregnant and I'm convinced this is the only reason she told us. But Ive realised that she hates me through all this, she genuinely absolutely hates me... and I'm wondering why I'm still here tbh. If it wasn't for debt that we are in as a result of providing for her I could walk away, but now I'm stuck here until 2028 when we are debt free.

Shocking how blasé some of you are to a 13 year old child having sex.

You’ve told your 13year old she has ruined her family and her relationship with her mother? For sex?? She confided in you, you went berserk and she’s the combative one?

Look, it’s not ideal, absolutely not. Far from it but the way you have reacted is far far worse than her behaviour. Way to go with killing any trust she had in you.

Apologise. Stop making out that this is the end of the world and talk to her. Find out how she feels and find a way through together. If you don’t, she’s gone from you.

Of course it's a big deal. But shouting at a scared 13 year old who is already possibly regretting what she has done and telling her their relationship has been changed is a wholly unhelpful approach. She needs support and love, not a bollocking, which won't change the fact that she has already had sex and will only push her away.

As for saying they shouldn't have been left alone, is OP meant to be with her the whole time she is out of the house? When she is at school? When she goes out with friends?

You’re right. Times have changed. Historically, it would be quite normal to have a baby at 13yo.

Actually one of the posts said “why is her virginity your business”. That very much is suggesting it’s okay. It’s really not.

You need to grow up. Your post reads like an angry teen. Be the adult. Why are you catastrophizing? Surely her chances of pregnancy on the pill are low. I’m not suprised she says she hates you. She’s opened up and you’ve gone nuclear. Calm down and try to parent. Stop worrying about problems you don’t have. Banning them seeing each other sounds a sure fire way to cement their relationship and drive a massive wedge in yours

As someone with a 13-year-old, I find many of the responses scary. Do they condone 13-year-olds having sex and think we should lower the age limit for sexual consent?

Also, when will the 15-year-old turn 16 as the OP could go to the police. He has targeted a younger girl to get sex.

It's not ideal no and I don't think anyone is saying it is. But the bigger issue is OPs complete and utter overreaction.

Sorry when exactly?

Failure in parenting style.

She's not pregnant, and i don't think she's the only one with poor mental health. Please seek a professional, because you have handled this whole thing badly.

Literally this.

Op, it sounds like you are trying to do your best. But the situation is NOT going to be resolved by your knee jerk reactions. Is it ideal? Not even slightly. Is it very impressive she divulged this information to you? Yes! You should harness that instead of fighting against her. Saying it will change your relationship was unnecessary even if you thought it, remember who is the adult.

Why on earth would anyone at school think she might be pregnant? Or you for that matter. It’s very very very unlikely if she’s on the pill? Sounds like both children are vulnerable in this situation

Agreed. Instead of building your bond and keeping her close, you have alienated her and pushed her away. You're angry with her and punishing her, for demonstrating her vulnerability and naivete? Slow clap.

You can be horrified and still deal with this like an adult. For all your spouting about mental health, you are missing that his behaviour is part and parcel of it, a symptom. This lack of respect for herself is part of the illness. And you've just further told her what a piece of shit she is, while creating a whole Romeo and Juliet type schtick with the boy.

And to talk about walking away from the family of it wasn't for debt?

Tbh, I can see where this girl's issues come from, a mother with a poor grasp on her own emotions. She must have grown up walking on eggshells to avoid disappointing you.

You sound completely overwhelmed and terrified as any parent would be in your situation, but your DD is only 13, and this situation calls for calm not punishment. It might really help for you to get some professional support right now, to process the shock and to help you find a healthier way of being with her. She needs you now more than ever.

I'd 100% agree with this.
Easy to say, I can appreciate, but stop worrying about a pregnancy and her indifferent reaction.
The latter could be a defence mechanism, but, seriously calm down!
Her responses towards you may be insensitive, but she doesn't mean it and she's just being a teenager.

All a bit grim I think. I just would not have expected 13 year olds to be hanging out alone with boys let alone one 2 years older.

It is a big deal, but, it’s happened now so the OP kicking off and all the dramatics about them changing their relationship, her hating her etc is not going to help and will push an already vulnerable child away further.

It’s not great but it seriously isn’t the end of the world. The OP needs to think of the bigger picture and do some serious damage limitation before her daughter’s mental health deteriorates again.

Er you need to pull this back

Your anger and devastation have put her into defensive mode and you will push her straight into his arms.

Start by calming down, telling her you love her and bloody apologise for telling her it will change your relationship.

She made a mistake, told you and you have behaved appallingly. She will always be your little girl even if she had shagged half her year group

I would not be happy if my 13 year old daughter was sexually active . To be pregnant at 13 would be devastating. Plus it’s put a target on her back for bullying and creeps who will try it on with her now they know she has had sex . Yes this boy has done wrong but he is only 15 and they are both as bad as each other .

You have significantly overreacted.

Your DD is right, this mostly impacts her. You have a lot of work to earn her trust if you ever want her to confide in you again.

This is not a family issue. It is extremely unlikely that your DD is pregnant.

The 15 yo is a child too. If you came around. To my house like this I would have sent you on your way.

Please talk to someone. X

I completely lost it

today I had to visit the boys home and explain why we were there because the cowardly little shit couldn't explain to his foster family why we were coming to speak to them

told her this is going to complete change our relationship and she said we didn't have one anyway. Im so fucking hurt by her.

I'm wondering why I'm still here tbh. If it wasn't for debt that we are in as a result of providing for her I could walk away, but now I'm stuck here until 2028 when we are debt free.

I can't believe you've said all of this. Your poor, poor daughter.

Your title is very strange OP.

Concern about a 13 year old having sex, more than fair but "lost her virginity".

A very odd choice of words for expressing such concern.

You are being hysterical, honestly. Poor girl 🥺

Why was a 13 year old left alone when you went off on holiday. She's on the pill so its unlikely she will be pregnant. The boy doesn't sound very suitable at all.