16yo - am so angry I can't think straight

[Phunkychicken]

Was meant to go to a party and be back at a mates for a sleepover by 11 (normal curfew 10-30) when in fact he was in central London until 1am and not back at friends until 1-40. Told DH he was having train problems but then messaged to say was at friends at 11-30, when he was clearly still in town.

He still tried to protest his innocence this morning but has stopped arguing, told him he's an idiot thinking he'd get away with it, no sleepovers for the foreseeable AND his curfew will be brought forward considerably.

He is the problematic third child, feel a bit lost. Plus having suspected cancer surgery this week (9th in2 years -he doesn't know), I just feel so so tired and like I just cba with him any more.

Any suggestions? Or solidarity?

I’ve only gone through this with a teenage girl so far. I personally focused less more on keeping herself safe when she’s out. Never went big on grounding her because it just encouraged lying and therefore riskier behaviour because I was far less likely to know where she was and what she was up to. Don’t get me wrong, there was some hellish times and she behaved in ways I didn’t like at times. But she’s a young adult now and she is someone who can handle herself and looks out for others.

Sorry but you are completely over reacting. I have a 14 and 16 year old. 14 has a curfew but 16, with a 10.30 curfew- no wonder he lied!

Medication won’t stop a 16 year old acting like a 16 year old

If he has ADHD and he’s 16, he will have the mental age of about 13 as they’re a few years behind mentally, so he does need a lot more monitoring than an average 16 year old.

I would steer him away from this group too, adhd children are easily led and if they’re trouble then ds wont need much encouragement imo to get up to no good.

I’m really surprised at most of these responses. I’ve worked closely with this age group and their families for nearly 30 years and nearly all of them have had/ still have curfews at 16. In my experience it tends to change when they start driving at 17/18. Just in my experience.

I can’t imagine many 16 year old boys who love spending a Saturday evening sitting with their parents watching Strictly, set him free to live a little OP.
The more rules you make and the more you ensnare your kids the more they’ll want to go. If you set them free they’re yours forever.

Im sad that you feel that way OP... I've flicked back through the posts and there are some that are a bit blunt, but on the whole I think most are sharing their own experiences of going out as a teen or of trying to parent teens and were trying to help. But I understand that you are under a lot of stress at the moment and I hope things go well next week.

Adhd teens are emotionally 3-5 yrs behind their peers. Way more susceptible to being swayed into doing things they shouldn't, poor impulse control and decision making.

My oldest teen makes vastly different choices when taking his medication compares to the days he doesnt.

So sorry you got the shitty mumsnet response. I got it once and never posted again. I was vulnerable and needed a virtual handhold, and got the opposite. Again, re teens!

You are right to be upset. Right to be worried (about you) and right to point out his lying is unacceptable. And right re nd.

Take your own common sense and parent him as you think. Had you come on here saying you let him out in kings x, they would have been on you for crap parenting. You can't win with these keyboard warriors.

Hope this week goes OK and it is nothing to worry about . Virtual hug sent!

In this case he just sounds like a typical 16 year old, however

Prioritise your relationship with him. You don't need to punish him. You can just explain why you are upset and discuss strategies for next time.

Don't set up a battle, which you can only lose.

My daughter had a boyfriend whose mother thought he had become sly and sneaky from seeing her - and blamed her. But in fact the mum had such strict rules, he was trying to get round them without telling her what he was (age appropriate) doing.

Don't be that mum. Be the one he will talk to.

"jeez I don't dislike him"

I'm sure it's the anger and anxiety, but actually you've made it sound as though you do. I was thinking, "Well, she loves him, but she really doesn't like him very much." before I saw your post that I quoted.

Tell him you love him and to go to sleep. That you'll talk about it when you feel calmer.

A truce for the night will let you sleep on things. Hopefully your reactions when you talk later will be calmer and won't leave him thinking you don't love him as much as the other 2.

FWIW, I went to several rodeos with my own dc. They grew up into very kind, loving, responsible human beings who are both a credit to themselves. I like to think they make the world a better place. But those teen years!

(Before DD1 got her license, we negotiated and signed a driving contract with her. The first month, my DH came home early and met her at a 4-way stop near her high school. He could see passengers in the backseat but all he did was nod. When she came home, she handed him her car keys. No arguments or yelling. Because of the contract she knew she'd lost driving privileges for a month. When DD2 got her license, she signed a contract, too. We never needed to take the car away again.)

Poor kid. To be honest if they’re at a sleepover they’re under that child’s curfew and rules. You can say home by 10.30 to someone else’s house if that teens told to be home by midnight how does that work? It’s half term. They’re 16. Obviously we’re contactable and got home ok. Not blind drunk or on drugs. Calm down otherwise the poor kid will have to be sneaky and lie to have a normal teenage life. 10.30 curfew in half term on Halloween is totally unrealistic for a 16 year old

Gosh, I sometimes think I live in a parallel universe to MN. I grew up in the London suburbs and wasn’t out in London at 16 until the small hours, or anywhere in fact until then, and I very much doubt DD or many of her friends will be, and she’s nearly 16.

Guessing you haven’t bother to read the thread

I have and I agree with her.

I’ve read the OP’s posts and a number of other posts - plenty of people laughing their heads off at a 10.30 curfew for a 16 year old, who really should be spending their time bouncing around London till all hours. If I’ve missed swathes of posters agreeing with the OP then I apologise and I’m glad (relieved!) to hear it!

I know but lots of us saying that a curfew at 16 is reasonable

me being one of them!

I agree with the point

it was the apparent shock that she was an lone wolf with her view

Or you forbid them for doing anything that might be a little risky and then they walk out and get their own place, which they are quite old enough to do and makes them way less safe than if they were living with you, and had rules that respected them as a nearly adult. Whichever you think is best though...

Jesus he came to no harm. Just tell him he was a duck and you expect better in the future. Treat them like adults they tend to act like it.

I agree with you about your son and lying, and the fact he is 16 in KX at 2am having lied.. the fact you’ll be stressed about a potential cancer diagnosis doesn’t help. I’d be worried / cross too.

He sounds like a good kid, didn’t help you much when you’re so worried about him.

Hope he’s learnt from this and you’ll move on xx

beautiful place called… middle ground

Huge overreaction

My oldest has adhd and I wouldn't talk about her like that.
Yes from a young age she was different to her peers but still not reason to talk negatively about her.