16yo - am so angry I can't think straight

[Phunkychicken]

Was meant to go to a party and be back at a mates for a sleepover by 11 (normal curfew 10-30) when in fact he was in central London until 1am and not back at friends until 1-40. Told DH he was having train problems but then messaged to say was at friends at 11-30, when he was clearly still in town.

He still tried to protest his innocence this morning but has stopped arguing, told him he's an idiot thinking he'd get away with it, no sleepovers for the foreseeable AND his curfew will be brought forward considerably.

He is the problematic third child, feel a bit lost. Plus having suspected cancer surgery this week (9th in2 years -he doesn't know), I just feel so so tired and like I just cba with him any more.

Any suggestions? Or solidarity?

I was an ADHD kid, and I'm so fucking glad my mum was nothing like you and just treated me like a normal kid with a few extra needs instead of some demon cursed into her womb destined to be the bane of her life from conception to grave. Awful way to view your own child.

Great for you, that also worked well for the first two, sadly not working so well this time.

He's been out (willingly) with DH all afternoon, is looking forward to coming home and watching Strictly with us this evening so no harm done. And he understands the lying is our biggest issue (he was meant to be at a different party in a completely different area of London and was in touch with DH as if that's where he was, he'd been in kings X a couple of hours earlier with us so knows we wouldn't have minded him being there IF HE'D TOLD US).

Lesson leant is not to come to Mumsnet do vent, I started posting under a different name 21 years ago and the way people communicate now is horrific to back then. I purposely didn't post on AIBU yet the majority of you responded as if I did.

Right. 😂

Of course he’s going to lie if the rules are so unreasonable. And of course he will seem hard work if the reins so tight

I don’t know what to say OP this was weird enough 40 years ago when I was a teen. I think you need to rethink your whole attitude.

You sound exhausted OP, ill and anxious about your health. And I do think it’s led you over react a bit here. Both with DS and PPs.

I am not a fan of typecasting a child since birth - it often just leads them to live up to your low expectations. How does that look to him - always being unfavourably compared to his siblings? Never being good enough? Can’t you accept he’s just different to them and not frame it that he is necessarily ‘wrong’?

If he’s in Sixth Form and planning on uni, shares a hobby with your DH and has friends and a social life, how bad can things be really?

Once my two DSs went into Sixth Form, they were pretty independent. As others have said, Reading Festival after GCSEs, Cornwall holiday with mates at 16. I trusted them and they didn’t let me down. Phones weren’t a big thing then and I had no idea where they were. But they had good friends and good sense.

As for the lying - why couldn’t he tell the truth - partly because he knew you’d react like this? He’d rather avoid the row. Honestly, this will seem like nothing in a year or two; maybe have a calm heart to heart, ask him to see your PoV, but recognise he’s striking out on his own. And good luck with the diagnosis.

Surely the lesson you should learn here is that you need to change your approach, not that the whole of MN is unreasonable.

It’s very clear you would have minded him being at King’s X under any circs, and he knows that perfectly well, which is why he lied.

And now you’re threatening no sleepovers and an even more ludicrously early curfew.

The thing you need to understand is that parenting like this means that your children won’t trust you with the truth, and then you won’t know where they are when it matters, and they won’t come to you when something serious happens.

@Phunkychicken I think this is a very real risk that you should consider carefully.

And yes, I used to go out clubbing etc too but lying is an absolute no. Once he's shown himself to make better decisions and be reliable we can revisit but this has proved why he had a curfew.

That's one way of looking at it. But you may wait a LONG time for him to "show he can make better decisions". And maybe what it has proved is that your curfew isn't working!

Have you tried talking to him about it? Have you asked him if he thinks his behaviour was reasonable (you maybe surprised by the answer)? Have you asked him what HE thinks is an appropriate punishment for lying? Or what level of curfew is reasonable - maybe allow one very late night a month, say?

I agree with you about KingsX at 1am btw - but the thing is, HE has to see that it is a potentially dangerous way to behave; at the moment he probably thinks you are just fussing too much.

I think it's clear by OPs reaction why he needed to lie.

I did this when I was 16. I suspect my 17!yr old has done the same. It’s what they do.

concentrate on making sure he knows how to be safe and what to do if something goes wrong

You are being unreasonable in your parenting approach. At 16, growing up in London, none of us had curfews. You seem to have pigeonholed your child into a 'problem ND child' role - he's really done nothing out of the ordinary and people will lie if they are not given enough freedom to be honest. Then you are stuck in a pattern where he feels he needs to 'rebel' or be dishonest in order to gain freedom.

It's not about venting or having support, it's people giving their honest opinion on unreasonable behaviour, and you choosing to take offence rather than think about what anyone is saying. It sounds much more like you are dealing with a stressful life situation and projecting that onto your 'problem child' instead of the real issue, which might be too stressful to confront.

They are 16. I’d rather mind was able to tell me where they are than have to hide it but it’s not surprising giving your reaction.

They wouldn’t lie if you gave them the freedom they need.

All of mine have ADHD. I didn't know until they were teens, even when a teacher told me I've of them was in junior school, I didn't believe them. The reason for this is because my kids are normal for my family and at the time nobody in my family had a diagnosis.
If a child has ADHD, then their frontal lobe is going to develop more slowly and their decision making might be off, making it even more important that they communicate with you and that you support without judgement.

You need to tell him about your surgery.
And agree to phone location sharing.
So long aa he gets home ok

Do you not wonder why he lies?

i started posting under a different name 21 years ago and the way people communicate now is horrific to back then

says the OP who wrote that she knew her son was trouble at his conception

No im not implying you’re lying

but i sometimes see these posts from mumsnetters who left home, got a flat, held down jobs at 16

and I think…. Damn that sounds shit and not something to aspire for my own child

Totally agree with you. This stage is waaay more stressful and tiring for me and DH than the baby and toddler stage was!

You only washed your clothes every 2 or so months? Eh.

i think any thread where a parent makes it clear they don’t like their “problematic third” child would meet the same response to be fair

No 😵‍💫

I used to come home with a big bag that I’d “saved” up in the last week or so knowing that I was going home 😆

washing bedding in student digs… not fun!

I think you're getting a horribly hard time. Can't believe how many people don't seem to have taken any notice of the pending potential cancer diagnosis. Solidarity, that sounds awful. 💐

I have a 16 yo with ADHD and boy do ikwym about hard work and knowing he was different. I know about the self doubt, the self blame.

However, there might be something to consider about not treating him as the problem child. I get that you're exhausted, I really do. But if he perceives that you think that, it's not going to help. He needs to know he's loved, as he is, not that you wish he was different.

Talk to him. Work out a reasonable compromise. Good luck.

I used to career around Camden AND Kings X at 15-16 and they were a hella lot more dodgy than now. I remember the prostitution so openly on display at the latter. Anyway, I was there all hours of the night and never had any trouble. We used to sleep in bus stops. Most places in London are pretty safe unless you’re in a gang.

You taught him he wasnt worth a strong relationship... then are angry he followed suit?

I remember doing similar at that age. My parents were extremely put out. I'm surprised how many people on here are acting like they wouldn't be.

Think a lot of this is due to the stress and worry of your health issues rather than necessarily just his behaviour so sending best wishes for great outcomes and some calm.

You mentioned adhd on one of your posts. Is he diagnosed? Does he take medication?

i hear you! Imagine that + getting a call from a friend to say he’s in hospital as drunk so much now comatose. Yep. Grim. You are not overreacting and having a teenager is bloody hard work.