DS has kicked a hornets nest at school today

[IcyBob]

Not literally! DS is nearly 15. We live overseas but he’s in the equivalent of year 10. He has ASD/ADHD, but is extremely bright, pretty sociable and is happy and doing well at school… until today. Earlier this week he was sitting with a female friend when she received a message from her boyfriend; she opened it and it was a video of him masturbating in the school toilets. DS says she closed it immediately and said she didn’t want to see it, and seemed uncomfortable and upset. DS thought she should report it to the school administration, and she agreed, but then changed her mind after talking to her boyfriend. DS - who because of his ASD has very black and white thinking on right and wrong - took it upon himself to report it anyway. Apparently the boyfriend has worked out that it DS, and is behaving in a threatening way. He’s also worried that the girl and the boy who filmed it (not the boyfriend, and also a friend of DS) will be in trouble too.

When he told me all of this, my heart sank. He was bullied in his old school in the UK before we moved, and I was so relieved that he was doing so much better socially here. I don’t know what to say to him; I can’t tell him he was wrong to report it, because obviously the boyfriend shouldn’t be filming that in school and sending it unsolicited! And it’s done now anyway. Any advice?

So you believe any teenage boy should report two classmates he is aware are in a sexual relationship, because this is against the law?

I’d go further and say she probably doesn't recognise herself as a victim.

Unless the recipient speaks out no further action would be taken. It's ops son's word against hers and her boyfriends. The school will believe ops son but without proof or the cooperation from the girl to share what happened there is nothing they can do.

"Doesn't matter about whether she consents."
How can you say her consent doesn't matter?
It didn't matter to her boyfriend, and now it doesn't matter to all the well-meaning do-gooders.
It's two sides of the one dehumanising coin.

He reported it because his friend was upset. If she was happy he would have kept quiet.

You asked the same question upthread. It’s not the same thing at all. Even the law recognises that in some circumstances where there is a clear relationship and no suggestion of abuse or coercion, reporting isn't always appropriate. What we’re talking about here is illegal creation and distribution of CSA images. The fact that it’s the child himself who created the images makes no difference, and someone else filmed it, so they are implicated too, as is the girl for opening it.

But would he ? It’s clear he knew it was wrong in any circumstance.

Not really dehumanising to want to report something clearly illegal and potentially very damaging if allowed to continue.

I think any teenage boy should report the production of child sexual abuse images to a trusted adult.

Yes, I agree that it's common for teenagers share explicit photos and videos. That doesn't make it ok.

Children often don't understand that those images will stay on the internet forever, can be viewed by complete strangers, and that they have no control over the distribution.

They also often don't understand that sending dick pics etc unsolicited is a crime. Once they are adults they could get into serious legal trouble for it.

A trusted adult (parents/teachers etc) can help explain the dangers and ensure that the children stop producing such child sexual abuse images.

I'm bewildered that you think otherwise. If I knew e.g. my 14 year old daughter was filming herself masturbating and sharing it with people at school I would be horrified. For her own present and future safety I'd want to know immediately so that I could stop her.

Utter bullshit. It doesn’t matter whether the girl speaks out or not. It’s the boy who has acted illegally here, and it’s nobody’s word against anybody’s because the images themselves are the proof. The making and sending of explicit content to a minor is illegal. The law is specific in this area. Even if they delete the images the police have software that can find them.

It is a very similar circumstance, as both are illegal yet take place ‘consensually’ between under age teens regularly.

I can’t see how you can believe it’s right to report one even if there’s no suggestion of abuse, but not the other.

This is such a bad idea. In abusive relationships, grooming or coercive situations etc, victims do not always recognise that they are victims. Even if they do, they may be reluctant report for many reasons. But they are victims and they are suffering and the perpetrators need to be stopped. And the victims need to be helped.
Suggesting that others turn a blind eye and allow abuse to continue is horrible.
This is a child and what was happening was abusive. Distribution of child porn (and this is what this is) should absolutely be reported.

Because one is clearly a safeguarding issue, and one is not. And the law allows for it.

There are multiple issues with this.

1. The son, having seen the video, was also a victim of the crime. On that basis alone, regardless of the girl, he has a strong reason to report the video.
2. They are all children. The primary goal is to protect children from sexual crime and exploitation. The girl was also a victim of this, regardless of any perceptions she may have had about ‘consent’. There are reasons the laws are what they are around this because children are not viewed as having capacity to consent to various things and they usually do not have a full, formed adult understanding of them. That the girl may not have wanted this reported doesn’t stand as an argument not to report it; if anything, it reinforces the fact that she is not adult enough to understand the serious nature of the incident or to make that decision. As a young teenager, I was sexually assaulted on multiple occasions and would not have wanted it reported so didn’t tell anyone beyond my friends. As an adult, I see that my judgement on that was wrong.
3. Any adult happening upon this incident would have had a duty to report it. The OP’s son, as a child, did very well to assume this responsibility and did the right thing.

WTF is wrong with people to put this down to normal teen behaviour? I seriously worry about our young people who have parents with such low boundary expectations.

Your son did the right thing OP. As a society we really need to take a long, hard look at ourselves if this has become normal behaviour of teen boys. Just eww!

Exactly, hence for the need for statutory safeguarding of children and vulnerable adults. Otherwise, it’s how perpetrators get away with their crimes for years

I cannot believe all of these people saying the girl needs to consent to reporting it.
Would you all tell your daughter "ok, he loves you so I'm not going to tell the police if he hits you"?
Of course the boys who filmed this are nasty human beings and of course the girl needs protecting from them.
If they are reported and she agreed with it - she's afraid their relationship is over, and she doesn't think anyone else will like her. She's afraid he will get angry with her. She should dump him immediately for doing that BECAUSE IT'S ILLEGAL not to mention gross and horrible.
She needs some self respect and the horrible boys need to be prosecuted. Maybe then they'll learn to respect women.

The law doesn’t “allow for it”. It recognises that while both parties will technically have committed a criminal offence, it is not always proportionate to being criminal charges.

I don’t see why it should be any different in this case.

So if the police search the boy’s phone and in turns out she has also been sending him images, you’d be happy to ruin two lives? Even where there is no allegation of abuse?

So if your daughter was this girl and other people knew this was happening and she was scared the boy would get in trouble. You'd do nothing? You'd be fine with it all? Just let her carry on receiving unwanted videos?

And if she was sending inappropriate images and videos to another child, you'd do absolutely nothing about that?

And you'd be cool if you knew all her friends knew about this and they never once mentioned it.

Do you understand that by sharing images online that those images can end up anywhere? As I've said before, some sexual predator could be watching that content at this very moment.

The police aren't going to arrest either the boy or the girl in this situation. They will however hopefully make the children understand what a stupid, dangerous, illegal idea it is to create sexual videos of themselves and share it online (not to mention involving other school children etc).

The school has a duty to report this to the police.

The boys who filmed this are victims themselves as they have been given access to content completely inappropriate to their age. The parents of these boys need to be held to account, as well as schools who allow smartphone use, government for not doing more to protect young people from the shitstorm that is online pornography and Internet providers for making it too easy to access these ADULT themes.

I am speaking from experience I told the head of year that my friend at the time was having sex with men who were much older than her she was a child under 16. She denied it, we fell out and the school did nothing about it. She continued having sex with men in their 20's and 30's or older. Unless the ops son's friend informs the school herself and shows the video what can they do. The police are not going to confiscate phones unless they are certain a crime has taken place.

So you'd do absolutely nothing if your daughter was sent this video from her boyfriend?

Just be cool with it and "oh yeah, just teens interacting" love 'em!!!