DS has kicked a hornets nest at school today

[IcyBob]

Not literally! DS is nearly 15. We live overseas but he’s in the equivalent of year 10. He has ASD/ADHD, but is extremely bright, pretty sociable and is happy and doing well at school… until today. Earlier this week he was sitting with a female friend when she received a message from her boyfriend; she opened it and it was a video of him masturbating in the school toilets. DS says she closed it immediately and said she didn’t want to see it, and seemed uncomfortable and upset. DS thought she should report it to the school administration, and she agreed, but then changed her mind after talking to her boyfriend. DS - who because of his ASD has very black and white thinking on right and wrong - took it upon himself to report it anyway. Apparently the boyfriend has worked out that it DS, and is behaving in a threatening way. He’s also worried that the girl and the boy who filmed it (not the boyfriend, and also a friend of DS) will be in trouble too.

When he told me all of this, my heart sank. He was bullied in his old school in the UK before we moved, and I was so relieved that he was doing so much better socially here. I don’t know what to say to him; I can’t tell him he was wrong to report it, because obviously the boyfriend shouldn’t be filming that in school and sending it unsolicited! And it’s done now anyway. Any advice?

It would depend on the circumstances. If anyone (boyfriend or not) was sending her this type of content without her consent, of course I would report it to the police.

If this was taking place ‘consensually’ in the context of a relationship, I would try to discourage it and warn her of the serious dangers.

What I wouldn’t do is go in all guns blazing reporting it to the police and get two teens (including her) in serious trouble for an activity that is very risky but also very common.

I’m afraid you are very naive. Both have committed a criminal offence and the girl may well also end up in serious trouble if the police search the boy’s phone and discover that she has been sending him similar.

Given the OP says the girl is vulnerable, I imagine the view would be that she's been coerced into that but again, she thinks if she doesn't go along with it he'll dump her.
Would you use the same logic to say you wouldn't report him physically abusing her because she hit him back once?

Or course it is.

If you witness a crime you're free to report it without the victim's consent.

This is how a lot of child abuse and domestic violence reports are made.

The ops son could go to the police and report it.

He could, although I would hope the school will deal with that now.

From the ops posts it doesn't sound like they are taking it further. The boy who he reported is now picking on him because he grassed on him. The girl deleted it and denied she ever saw a video. The school won't take it any further. They will probably talk to them individually about the dangers of sharing sexual videos but that's as far as it will go.

It wasn't just between the two of them though was it?
Do you not think the fact that he had another child film it is even slightly worrying?

Not necessarily, but that doesn't mean the opposite is true either. Lots of posters are assuming that because both boy and girl are underage, then it's all fine and dandy and no coercion can be happening. As if this doesn't happen in adult relationships. And as if there aren't frightening stats about the huge number of teenage girls who've been coerced into doing things they didn't want to - often by boys who are also teenagers.

So, safeguarding the (approx) 15 year olds here:

We have one who is autistic - and is entirely entitled to safeguarding efforts in school.
We have one who is making sexual content in school with the assistance of friends filming - entirely entitled to safeguarding efforts even if one of them is well aware he is crossing lines and is getting a buzz from it, usual '15' vibe. But a lot less easy to get away with in a year or 2.
We have one who is 14, appears vulnerable, and who has been dragged in to a serious crime (if it goes as far as police involvement) for receiving the video - then, rather unthinkingly, opening it in maths for a few other people to be able to see. And whose instinct is to protect the bf because the penny drops that this is bloody stupid. Entirely entitled to, and in need of, safeguarding efforts in school.
And possibly other mixed age users of the boys' loos ....entirely entitled to, and in need of, safeguarding efforts in school.

Not easy, these efforts, not guaranteed to have nice fluffy after-school-special outcomes, and not the same for everyone, but that is why they can't be swept under the carpet.

The people reporting this are not the ones 'ruining lives' 🙄 here. They consequences of that are with the person sending images in the first place.

'You're just jealous because you're not getting any' - is that really the angle you want to take with this? Anyone not participating in (possibly unwanted) sexual contact has to be envious of it? That is a pathetic response. Laughable that you then complain about people's personal attacks having posted this. It's a very unhealthy view of the world.

Yes- so you believe the girl should be criminalised if it turns out she has been sending explicit images?

It can’t be victim led, it was videoed in school grounds involving pupils, it hasn’t been videoed in the comfort of their own homes….

Of course not. There’s no circumstance in which you can consent to physical abuse.

’Sexting’ unfortunately can and does take place between teens though without abuse or coercion being involved.

Consensual sexual activity between two under aged teenagers is not comparable to recording and distributing images of said teenagers engaging in sexual acts. These are treated differently under the law.

The reason being, as many posters have already pointed out, once those images leave the owner's device, they no longer have control over where they end up. As has happened in this case. With the end result that people who were not the intended viewers of this explicit video having seen it.

People are also forgetting here that possession of an indecent image of a child is also an offence. Let's just say she didn't report it, and it comes out later some other way. She's then got a video depicting a child engaging in sexual activity on her phone.

I am perplexed as to why you think there’s such a difference. Both activities are illegal, but both also take place on a regular and ‘consensual’ basis between teens.

By the letter of the law (which is the only thing some people on this thread seem to think should matter), both parties have committed a serious criminal offence.

However, police and prosecutors recognise that it’s not always in the public interest to prosecute in these cases if there’s no evidence of abuse or coercion.

And this is why parents shouldn't give under 16s unfettered, unmonitored access to smartphones. Because yes, there is a potential for this behaviour to ruin lives where third parties become involved, such as the boy who filmed it, or other children viewing those images via anyone who sends those images on.

It is far better to make these mistakes as a young person than it is an adult! This stuff could land a young adult in prison or with a criminal record.

The very point of introducing phones slowly and carefully during adolescence is to allow a learning journey to take place with supervision, so that dc are ready digitally to manage themselves in a digital world, you can’t turn back time. They need careful exposure, and support to make good choices. Hence not overreacting or under reacting to issues.

I am super creeped out by this thread. How could any parent think it’s okay not to tell a teacher about this? Whether it’s a police matter is up to the ADULTS to debate based on their safeguarding training. But absolutely right for a teacher to be aware of child sex videos being made on school property and circulated to teens… this situation is full of victims, from the girl to the OP’s son but also the boys who made the video -what even gave them that idea and what have they been exposed to?!
OP, your son is a hero and when my girls are teens, I hope they have a friend like him, and you can tell him
so.

So you're happy for your child to have underage sexual images and videos?

So weird you'd be okay with her receiving these at 15...

You sound like someone that does not have teenagers or any real idea, with respect, it might be an idea to wait until you have before calling anyone a ‘hero’ which sounds really odd.

We have no idea of the context or the relationship or what images belong to whom. It might be best if the school covered the subject again, but that may not be enough to stop teens from doing this.

The onus should also be on parents to ensure their children know the consequences and are monitoring. It’s not fun to be on the sex offenders register for ten years due to stupidity.

Of course I wouldn’t be “okay” with it. As I stated, I would point out the dangers of doing this.

However, I would not go running to the police if they were sent in the context of a genuinely ‘consensual’ relationship.

OP I work in this area. Your DS absolutely did the right thing to report this. He saw something that wasn’t write & called it out. That’s extremely brave & he should be commended.

I suggest you contact the schools’ designated safeguarding lead ASAP and pass on the facts about what happened, including any threats to your son. Keep your message factual and to the point, and ask for a follow-up phone call/meeting to discuss your son’s safety.

It is definitely not better! There is a massive difference between the production of adult pornographic content and child sexual abuse content!

If an adult is, for example, a victim of revenge porn then that's terrible but it's so so much worse if a child has their sexual content shared online.

You talk about supervision and support but at the same time don't want the teenagers involved to actually talk to a teacher or other trusted adult. So in reality you want the teenagers to figure things out themselves while sexual videos of them are potentially being shared with predators right this second.