DS has kicked a hornets nest at school today

[IcyBob]

Not literally! DS is nearly 15. We live overseas but he’s in the equivalent of year 10. He has ASD/ADHD, but is extremely bright, pretty sociable and is happy and doing well at school… until today. Earlier this week he was sitting with a female friend when she received a message from her boyfriend; she opened it and it was a video of him masturbating in the school toilets. DS says she closed it immediately and said she didn’t want to see it, and seemed uncomfortable and upset. DS thought she should report it to the school administration, and she agreed, but then changed her mind after talking to her boyfriend. DS - who because of his ASD has very black and white thinking on right and wrong - took it upon himself to report it anyway. Apparently the boyfriend has worked out that it DS, and is behaving in a threatening way. He’s also worried that the girl and the boy who filmed it (not the boyfriend, and also a friend of DS) will be in trouble too.

When he told me all of this, my heart sank. He was bullied in his old school in the UK before we moved, and I was so relieved that he was doing so much better socially here. I don’t know what to say to him; I can’t tell him he was wrong to report it, because obviously the boyfriend shouldn’t be filming that in school and sending it unsolicited! And it’s done now anyway. Any advice?

What we're arguing about is the OP's son telling a teacher.

I can’t even be bothered to reply to your hysterical post, or know how to address your obscure inaccuracies.

https://www.sciencedirect.com/science/article/abs/pii/S0145213423002508

Read this report on 'Child sexual abuse images and youth produced images: The varieties of Image-based Sexual Exploitation and Abuse of Children' before you call me hysterical.

Edited to add: take one quote that "As social norms have changed, these youth produced images became as numerous as the adult made child images of original concern. Indeed, an inventory of the International Child Sexual Exploitation Image Database, a law enforcement investigation tool, found that from 2010 onward self-produced youth images comprised 40 % or more of all images".

Likely because he was looking over her shoulder

Yes- a teacher who will be professionally obliged to inform the police.

Having a normal sex drive and experimenting with it isnt stupid.

I first got bummed at 17 in 6th form because I was bored of vaginal sex. Nobody said I had to but I wanted to because I have normal sexual curiosity and few hangups.

Everything is illegal about this. Your son did absolutely the right thing and all credit to him. He should be applauded. He should also have the full extent of protect protection too, because he did the right thing and he should never be made to feel otherwise. It’s exactly the whole turning away that people do, that allows paedophiles to run rings and children who suffer the consequences in secret. His ASD is definitely his superpower and he should never be made to feel otherwise.

Dont know what you're talking about but admin agreed that the poster was making inappropriate personal attacks. Are you doing that too?

No i think that the fact you think thats even a thing speaks highly of you

He should support the victim in responding the way she wants to. Not the way he thinks is best.

Hes not a victim at all. He's a boy who looked at her phone.

@ActuallyIthink this goes well beyond consensual teenage experimentation. This is not agreement to share intimate photos taken in privacy for the sight of the partner for the purpose of private arousal.

This is masturbation in a public place filmed by a third party (presumably there was no consent for a third party to be introduced into the relationship let alone film sexual activity) and then the ‘star’ or would be pornographer sent unsolicited explicit content to the intended victim and that was seen by others. What do you think the intent was? Men do this to women they have never met or actively dislike (but they don’t usually have others film). It is the modern version of ‘flashing’.

As an adult woman I would be shocked to receive a video of someone I was dating wanking in the office toilets filmed by a friend or work colleague and immediately dump them and consider if any crime had been committed.

The difference is that these are underage teenagers acting on school property. It is very likely that crimes were committed. The police and the school authorities need to enforce legal standards and be grateful that this situation was brought to their attention rather than naively believing that all was fine unless a victim was willing to make a complaint.

OP your son was aware of the sordid situation and told a trusted adult. It sounds like you are concerned that some may back the wanker or the would be pornographer. If that is the case then the school and police need to remind them what is legal and acceptable behaviour. The girlfriend also needs to know where to set boundaries and know she can rely on others to help her keep herself safe because not everyone will exploit vulnerability for personal gain.

They may be reluctant to report because they have greater insight into what will be more damaging for them than an outsider with "good intentions".

Then youd be naturally interested in how the victim perceives their safety. You're not. You're interested in doing what you think is right.

I'd ask her what she wanted to do about it. I wouldnt go over her head. My own children are entitled to autonomy as anyone else's

I'd personally work with my daughter on forming and expressing boundaries and removing herself from situations where her boundaries are violated. I wouldn't abuse her trust and go over her head and expose all her personal business without consent. But then I want my kids to like and trust me.

I think you are extrapolating a lot of assumptions from what has gone on here.

I totally agree that no one should be recording and disseminating this type of video in a public toilet. However, the OP’s DS was wrong to insert himself into a relationship between two people and impose the OP’s moral judgements.

How will the school be able to warn anyone but OP's son if they all deny it?

I'm sorry to hear you were not protected better as a child. It doesn't mean we can't do better now and incidents like this are extremely serious due to the use of the phone. Images can be shared widely so easily and also kids feel that they can't get away if they are being harassed this way.

I didnt need protecting. Ive always had a healthy sex drive and curiosity and so I wanted to act on it with my peers. Boys AND girls :-O

Wow, this blew up overnight (well, overnight in my time zone…)

A couple of pertinent things I want to add…

Other children saw the video. Apparently the kid who filmed it showed to a few other classmates. So it wasn’t just between the boyfriend and girlfriend.

I think that there’s a bit of a cultural difference going on, in that - before we moved here - DS spent a couple of years at a mixed state secondary in the UK, where the school did plenty of work drilling the kids on things like consent, grooming, online safety and the illegality (and general unwise-ness) of making and sharing sexual images. I don’t think the kids here have been educated in the same way. PHSE is not even on the curriculum, and I suspect it’s considered up to the parents to discuss this sort of thing at home.

DS did seem very focussed on the legal aspect. Over dinner the other night, he asked if you could get into trouble for not reporting a crime. And on the way out of the door on his way to school yesterday, he asked me if I thought he should report it if he’d seen a classmate do something illegal. I asked him what he’d seen, but he said he didn’t have time to explain, and left. He told me everything that had happened when I collected him from school after an extracurricular activity. Obviously I wish I’d pressed him more in the morning, but I had usual morning stuff on my mind (other child to get ready and to school, work, etc) and hindsight is a wonderful thing.

To the poster who suggested DS was motivated by jealousy, I really don’t think so. Due to his autism he’s a late bloomer in that respect; he told me recently that he doesn’t even know if he’s straight or gay because he’s never felt any attraction to another person. He has a very all-consuming special interest which he eats, sleeps and breathes, and I honestly think he’s more interested in that than girls.

Funnily enough, he seemed in good spirits this morning and went off to school cheerfully without mentioning the whole thing. I’m going to contact his pastoral care person (who’s in charge of his SEN support plan, and who he reported it to initially) to let her know about my concerns.

What a disgraceful post. A crime has been committed, at school, against a vulnerable underage girl. This is never to be minimised, ignored, or brushed under the carpet, and I seriously find it so fucking creepy that you would even suggest it's about someone being judgey.

I think many of us remember being healthy teens in progressing relationships.