Page 9 | Stepson refusing to get out of bed again and i just cant anymore

Aluna · 11/10/2025 08:13

Evidemment · 11/10/2025 04:55

Your partner and his ex have failed your stepson

You now need to not fail your young children by letting them grow up in a situation that is poorly managed and all consuming. Your stepson needs help but your young ones need you to have a backbone and protect their environment and wellbeing as quite clearly their father will not. What sort of a childhood is this to look back on for them?

Is your blind devotion to your partner and willingness to make excuses for all the things he should/could do but isn't for his older child, more important than the children? Will you make the same excuses for him if the younger ones start having their own behavioural or mental health issues because they don't get to sleep and live on eggshells and your partner refuses to help them, too?

I agree with this.

HotTiredDog · 11/10/2025 08:27

I wonder if this post were to be retitled “DSS retreated into his room after being abandoned by his M in favour of new baby” would the answers be different?
Sorry I haven’t RTFT of replies, but it does seem to me like the root of the problem lies with that. The poor kid is reacting & hiding from this massive rejection. Of course, the way he is doing it is appalling & the impact on others in the household is unacceptable.
OP, I hope you’re able to get him to engage somehow (sorry I have no more practical ideas than other posters). I hope he heals from this experience & is able to behave in an appropriate way.

Incidentally, if DP is to redeem himself in this, he has to get onto it asap. You’re an amazing rock for the DCs x

Guytheskiinstructor · 11/10/2025 08:44

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Blueskiesandrainbows · 11/10/2025 08:56

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What a nasty reply, the OP is obviously at her wits end as is her partner. Nasty judgmental posts like this that put posters down and then give them a good kicking are totally destructive.
OP I hope some of the kinder helpful posts on here have helped you, do follow up on any links that might guide you towards more help in how to handle the situation.
You are a kind loving person and your SS is lucky to have you.

Guytheskiinstructor · 11/10/2025 09:26

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Lilactimes · 11/10/2025 11:18

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Trendyname · 11/10/2025 13:01

CherrieTomaties · 10/10/2025 22:27

No. Im sorry, I disagree.

Both this young lad’s parents don’t sound like they give a shit. From the OP’s responses I can’t see where the lad’s parents have actively tried to engage with him. They’ve just left it to the OP. It’s nowhere near enough to warrant having a psychiatrists help. His parents are lazy fuckers who obviously don’t give a shit about the OP’s welfare or the younger kids.

Of course it’s okay to be burnt out- but unfortunately when it’s your kids you need to keep going. OP’s partner and his ex absolutely need to put their big girl pants on and step up.

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His own mum has blacked his number. You can imagine how little she cares.

Trendyname · 11/10/2025 13:05

HotTiredDog · 11/10/2025 08:27

I wonder if this post were to be retitled “DSS retreated into his room after being abandoned by his M in favour of new baby” would the answers be different?
Sorry I haven’t RTFT of replies, but it does seem to me like the root of the problem lies with that. The poor kid is reacting & hiding from this massive rejection. Of course, the way he is doing it is appalling & the impact on others in the household is unacceptable.
OP, I hope you’re able to get him to engage somehow (sorry I have no more practical ideas than other posters). I hope he heals from this experience & is able to behave in an appropriate way.

Incidentally, if DP is to redeem himself in this, he has to get onto it asap. You’re an amazing rock for the DCs x

Be ready to be accused of misogyny for mentioning failing of his mother. I agree with you. What kind of mother blocks son’s phone? How cruel is that. He is still a child. I don’t have much advice for op other than he needs to see a psychologist who particularly work with children / teenagers.

Blades2 · 11/10/2025 17:52

Next time the school ring, you tell them his dads number and hang up.

Lollylucyclark101 · 11/10/2025 17:53

FlorenceAtFour · 10/10/2025 16:17

Hi i dont even know what im asking really just need a handhold 😭
He’s not been into school all week just stays in bed gaming all night then sleeps half the day and partner says just leave him but i cant because its me sat here every morning trying to get him up while partner’s off to work. He just blanks me like im not even there.

Ive tried everything nice and not so nice i’ve shouted i’ve begged i’ve tried making breakfast and being calm but he just rolls over. School keep ringing me and i dont even know what to say anymore because i can’t make him go. Partner says its not my problem but it is though because he lives here and it’s affecting everyone.

The little ones are shattered because he’s up half the night banging about and shouting on that game. I’m running on no sleep and feel like i’m losing it a bit. I know he’s been through stuff before he came here and i do feel for him but i can’t keep doing this every morning on my own. Partner says i’m too soft but i just feel stuck.

Probly gonna get told to let his mum deal but she doesnt even text anymore 🤷‍♀️
I just dont know what else to do x

Get Eveyone a battery powered night light and turn the electric off upstairs at 10pm. Keep your bedroom light on when you go to bed, that way if he sneaks down the light will wake you up.

the bigger issue here is your husband. How dare he behave in such a way! That’s disgusting! 🤢

personally I’d be taking my youngest children and going to stay at my moms. Leave him and his son to it, and let them sort the mornings out.

restingbitchface30 · 11/10/2025 17:57

My son is similar. He struggles with his sleep and has adhd I wonder if ss has been checked for that. Regarding his console and phone though my son had them took out of his room at 9pm on a school night. A 14 yo doesn’t need that temptation.

Nanny0gg · 11/10/2025 17:58

FlorenceAtFour · 10/10/2025 17:00

Thanks everyone i know you’re all right about partner needing to step up i just get so fed up of being the one who ends up sorting everything while he just says leave it 🙄 I’ve said loads of times he needs to deal with school but they always ring me first because i’m the one who answers the phone and i can’t just ignore it feels rude.

I have turned the wifi off before but then partner moans because he wants it on when he gets home from work and says i’m making things worse by nagging. It’s just constant rows now and i’m so tired.

He is 14 and honestly he just doesn’t care anymore like nothing works. He will stay up all night even if i turn off the internet he’ll sit there watching stuff on his phone or just stare at the ceiling. I’ve tried taking things off him but then he just goes mental and it scares the little ones.

I know i probly sound soft but i just hate all the shouting and i end up trying to keep the peace all the time. I don’t even know if i can keep living like this sometimes feels like i’m stuck in someone else’s mess

What are your housing arrangements and do the other children belong to both of you?

Blablibladirladada · 11/10/2025 17:59

AwkwardPaws27 · 10/10/2025 16:21

His dad needs to step up and sort out the nighttime gaming & school attendance or he could get a big fine...

Yeap and if the wellbeing bill passes…jail?

Lovetoplan2 · 11/10/2025 18:03

Could you opt for home schooling? Some kids just can't manage school and at least it would reduce the tension. There are lots of online resources. If you decide to do it let him relax for a while before you start. You don't need to do more than a couple of hours per day for the most part.

Kinglynn · 11/10/2025 18:09

I remember I did similar. Refused to leave the bed to go to school. My father decided one day he had enough. So at 2am he came in my room and tipped a bucket of cold water over me then walked out. I was 15. Next morning he apologised and told me the stress of my shouting made him sleep walk. I ignore so the next night the same. Bucket of water total denial of knowledge. He did this every time for months. My brother who was 9 years younger tried similar so one night my father went and boarded up his window and secured shut his bedroom door as my brother use to lock it. Left him in there for two days no way of using the bathroom. My brother use to keep food and drink in his room. He also turned off all the electrics. He one picked me up from school and loudly called over that if I didn’t tidy up my room he’d dump all my dirty underwear on the school lawn. I got to class to find he had put (clean) my underwear in my lunchbox. Good job I checked. I learnt not to disrespect my parents. Might not have used the switch on us but we learnt.

gardenflowergirl · 11/10/2025 18:21

Turn off the WiFi when you go to bed. Change the password daily so you only give it to him when he's been to school and done homework. Take his tech and mobile to work with you, only gets returned when he's doing what he should. Take your name off school contact and put his father's number there so he's the only point of contact.

MCF86 · 11/10/2025 18:23

Your responsibility is to safeguard their own children. Having them in a house where everyone is tiptoeing around someone that gets violent isn't doing that. You don't have to split up, but I wouldn't be keeping my child in that environment. I'm surprised their schools safeguarding teams haven't been in touch if they're constantly tired and either anxious or starting to copy (because one of those will be the result in time, if not already)

Joeydoesntsharefood25 · 11/10/2025 18:42

This poor boy is screaming out for connection. I strongly suggest both your and especially your partner reading both Gabor Mates 'hold on to your kids' and dr Beckys 'Good inside'. He has effectively been abandoned by his mum and replaced by a new baby, his dad isn't really bothering much with him. Kids need structure and boundaries even if they appear not to want it. It's essential. You both really need to build connection with him and set firm but kind boundaries . He needs LOTS of quality 1:1 time with his dad. This can be turned around but Dad needs to be leading this and be totally invested otherwise this kid will be lost.

MoominMai · 11/10/2025 18:43

FeralWoman · 10/10/2025 16:51

LTB and make sure he takes his son with him. Your DP sounds like a shit parent. School should be ringing him and not you. Don’t put any more effort into the stepson.

Have to agree.

I do feel sorry for the stepson, hes only a child after all but I feel you may be indirectly enabling his bad behaviour as with you there, the incompetent father can hide behind you and continue to shout orders from the sidelines like ‘don’t turn the Wi-Fi off because it annoys me’ and ‘you’re too soft’. The sooner you physically disconnect your self from this man then the sooner he will be forced to step up and manage his son properly. Also your little ones as well yourself will get your sleep which especially for your little ones is critical to their development.

Chinsupmeloves · 11/10/2025 18:57

Dad needs to get a grip and step up big time, his son is his responsibility. What a crap role model, no wonder he does this if he gets away with it. Wi fi off, duvet off in morning, have some pride dad!

Facescar77 · 11/10/2025 19:00

Gymnopedie · 10/10/2025 22:09

OP I posted up thread about the situation, but I didn't actually offer you any solutions to make him feel like he matters to you, that he belongs. Off the top of my head:

Push a note under his door that just says 'I still love you', signed whatever he calls you. Or 'I'm going to the shops, is there anything you want me to get?'. Whatever occurs to you at the time, react to the situation as it is at the time, but keep at it.

Get his dad to sit in his room with him in the evening. No need for interaction, just being in the same space, DSS gaming, DH on his phone. When son asks what the heck's going on, the response is 'I just wanted to spend some time with you. Feel free to ignore me, you don't have to say anything'.

Give little gifts occasionally, with a note that says 'I saw this and I thought of you'. This isn't rewarding his bad behaviour, it's reassuring him that you care about him and think about him and value him.

For the same reasons, cook his favourite foods sometimes. Ask him what he'd like you to make for dinner. The answer might well be a grunt for the first several times, but you have to keep going. Not every day obviously, that would be overbearing and in his face, but often enough again for him to know he has a place in the family.

That's straight off my head. I'll try and come up with some more. But the principle of all these is that he doesn't have to do anything except maybe give a short answer to the odd question. You and his dad are feeding his sense of belonging. Let him just absorb it.

All of this! He's prob feeling very rejected by his mum and does sound depressed. He needs to know people care and throwing him out would be the worst thing for him right now.

bubblybeth97 · 11/10/2025 19:06

As someone who works in mental health with teenagers, I would look into what your local CAMHS service is and how to make a self referral to them. You said CAMHS are dragging their feet but also you hadn't considered depression before this thread? Who made the referrals to CAMHS? We often have people coming in saying they've been on the waiting list for years or have been rejected numerous times by our service and it turns out to have been a counselling service they were referred to so if you think you're on a waiting list, it would be good to check which one and it might be worth airing your concerns and seeing if you can be pushed through any sooner. Also may have missed this during your posts but has anyone sat down and had a conversation with him about whether he is feeling depressed, suicidal or wanting to self harm? It's a hard conversation to have but it's important to have those talks where you can, I would say just be mindful of your reaction to them. Some parents show anger or frustration when their kids disclose risky thoughts and that can make them withdraw more. Even if he doesn't want to engage with CAMHS, our service runs something called non-violent resistance which is working with parents on managing challenging behaviours and rebuilding connections with their children so they may be able to help you and his dad with how to support him.

bubblybeth97 · 11/10/2025 19:06

As someone who works in mental health with teenagers, I would look into what your local CAMHS service is and how to make a self referral to them. You said CAMHS are dragging their feet but also you hadn't considered depression before this thread? Who made the referrals to CAMHS? We often have people coming in saying they've been on the waiting list for years or have been rejected numerous times by our service and it turns out to have been a counselling service they were referred to so if you think you're on a waiting list, it would be good to check which one and it might be worth airing your concerns and seeing if you can be pushed through any sooner. Also may have missed this during your posts but has anyone sat down and had a conversation with him about whether he is feeling depressed, suicidal or wanting to self harm? It's a hard conversation to have but it's important to have those talks where you can, I would say just be mindful of your reaction to them. Some parents show anger or frustration when their kids disclose risky thoughts and that can make them withdraw more. Even if he doesn't want to engage with CAMHS, our service runs something called non-violent resistance which is working with parents on managing challenging behaviours and rebuilding connections with their children so they may be able to help you and his dad with how to support him.

cookie4640 · 11/10/2025 19:18

Throw the gaming console out the window with force, take the router to bed, throw a glass of water over him he will soon shift. I am also a step mum, my step kids hate me. Which is life - they have zero boundaries because ‘you’re not my mum!’ Well your in my house effecting my life so get the fuck out of bed. I only had to throw water over my stepson once. Worked wonders.

EvieBB · 11/10/2025 19:22

Meadowfinch · 10/10/2025 16:32

Turn the router off and lock it in the boot of your car. Cancel his phone account.

Then get a warm wet flannel with some cleanser. Go into his room, pin him to the pillow and wash his face. When he protests loudly, explain that he smells, he is filthy and you don't want your bed clothes ruined.

Then fetch the hoover and hoover his room thoroughly. When that's done, open the windows wide, and clean the glass (while making the room cold). Then tidy noisily, rearranging books, throwing clothes from the floor onto the bed etc.

Stop being nice. Do not take his shit. Home has to be sufficiently uncomfortable that he showers and goes to school. If he won't go, tell him to get up and help you clean the gutters. If he doesn't like it he can go home to his mum.

This works on the surface level but unfortunately doesn't get to the route of the problem.....