Stepson refusing to get out of bed again and i just cant anymore

[FlorenceAtFour]

Hi i dont even know what im asking really just need a handhold 😭
He’s not been into school all week just stays in bed gaming all night then sleeps half the day and partner says just leave him but i cant because its me sat here every morning trying to get him up while partner’s off to work. He just blanks me like im not even there.

Ive tried everything nice and not so nice i’ve shouted i’ve begged i’ve tried making breakfast and being calm but he just rolls over. School keep ringing me and i dont even know what to say anymore because i can’t make him go. Partner says its not my problem but it is though because he lives here and it’s affecting everyone.

The little ones are shattered because he’s up half the night banging about and shouting on that game. I’m running on no sleep and feel like i’m losing it a bit. I know he’s been through stuff before he came here and i do feel for him but i can’t keep doing this every morning on my own. Partner says i’m too soft but i just feel stuck.

Probly gonna get told to let his mum deal but she doesnt even text anymore 🤷‍♀️
I just dont know what else to do x

Yep. This is the answer.

Try chase children social care / wherever the Keyworker is allocated from - update on staff sickness or whether new worker beneficial depending upon whether you step son had an attachment to the worker

if he has been exposed to domestic abuse prior and seems like has attachment related difficulties and with the anger and social needs - see if have any local services for children who experienced / exposed to domestic abuse. In Wiltshire, we have fear free for example who we can refer to for 1:1 with children

the fact you are being consistent in his life and modelling secure attachment even when things message is invaluable to children who have been let down by adults they thought they could trust to consistently meet their needs

hes experienced parental separation, dynamics with education and peers, self sabotaging, probably low self esteem and misplaced anger from changes in huge life and self isolated - vulnerable to lack of peer relationships and online concerns and what that could open. His loveliness will still be inside somewhere

chat with children social care for advice maybe, some of them (us ;) ) are amazing, human, proactive and work in the areas because we’re sound humans who actually give a shit at helping if none the less sounding boards given resources access is so tight

do agree though his dad needs to step the F up, intentionally or not his dad would have contributed to his adverse experiences so he needs to properly instill confidence of being present and rebuilding attachment and not allowed his son to push him away (proving to his son that people give up anyway : leave : change) as younger years may have taught him

** recovering from anaesthetic so gosh I hope my ramblings make sense
also, totally right with insight and awareness for younger children, and as you know, needs to not escalate and repair sooner than later or they will be emotionally harmed in the process

take care x

You sound so lovely OP, your step son is very lucky to have you in his corner . Hard as it is I would keep trying to offer him love and safety at home , he sounds like he is struggling big time . I would focus on any small wins x x

They don't have to go out for food, they could just share a takeaway but your DH has to show some unconditional interest in him which is not the same as "leaving him be". He might refuse to join in several times but your DH should still keep attempting.

Being overweight is another thing co morbid with vitamin D deficiency.. please get him tested it could change his whole life.

He doesnt get to hold his hands in the air because the going got tough. He doesnt get to check out. I understand that it's hard. Parenting is hard. Yes ge works long hours but he's a dad before anything else. Working doesnt change that. He needs to fix up. Your partner isn't helping the situation.

I don’t think you can tell if people are ‘good’ people when everything is going well. That’s pretty much everyone.
I think you can only tell when everything isn’t going well.

He sounds monumentally depressed and in need of help (as are you, I didn’t mean to dismiss that). He needs a new key worker allocating asap and I would suggest some high level counselling or psychiatric help. He sounds so angry and I don’t blame him. His mum has chosen a man over him and washed her hands of him and his dad can’t engage with him out of fear he will retaliate or make things worse.

You shouldn’t be dealing this alone and you should be bloody furious at your partner being angry at you for turning the wifi off. How dare he upset you and not support the only carer who is making an effort with his son. He should be on his knees in gratitude. He should chase up the key worker and get his son some help before his son ages out of the system and ends up in prison.

And yeah i know i probably sound like i’m turning down suggestions it’s not that i just feel stuck because every time i try something it either causes a row or partner says i’m making things worse. Like the wifi thing i did do that a few nights but partner went mad because he said he needed it for his phone and i just ended up crying and putting it back on. I know i should be stronger but i’m just so tired of the shouting all the time.

And this is why I would split households because this is ruining your younger kids’ childhoods.

SS isn’t dealing with life, DP isn’t dealing with SS. Anything you do rebounds back either from SS or DP so you’re completely powerless. Nothing will change - he’s only 14, he can’t work so he will still be there in his 20s. This will continue ad infinitum.

I would protect my younger kids and create the kind of environment I’d want them to grow up in. Live near your DP so they can see him all the time. But separate them from this dysfunction.

Another boy who plays computer games and disengages from normal life. When are parents going to stop indulging this. Your DH is letting him down badly. I’m tired of reading these same stories. These are supposed to be men of the future, husbands, fathers. Jesus Christ they’ll be nigh on useless.

WIFI off and tell your DH to get a back bone.

Teenagers often lose interest in things they were good at as children and tbh it doesn't really help to remind them "you used to be so good at that" - the truth is they are growing up and becoming something new not the child they once were. Parents' hopes and dreams for their children are just that, the parents hopes and dreams not the teenagers. It can help to remind them there are loads of things they may yet enjoy.

So in a way you have to keep repeating that you like the New version of them not just the child they once were - it's painful to be reminded of childhood for some, when childhood had trauma in it. Often the talents they had as children do resurface but that's up to your stepson and you can't hold it against him if he shows no interest in presents like the football and sketch pad. It probably represents "pressure" for him.

Partner is self employed so he can’t really cut down his hours because if he doesn’t work we don’t get paid it’s not like he gets sick pay or anything he’s under boilers or up ladders most days and sometimes doesn’t even finish till 7 so by the time he gets in he’s shattered and just wants his tea and a bit of peace. I know that sounds like an excuse but that’s just how it is right now and we’re trying to keep the bills paid and the kids fed same as everyone else.

I don’t think he’s useless he’s just completely burnt out and doesn’t know what to do anymore. He does love his son i know he does but he doesn’t know how to reach him and every time he tries it just ends up in shouting or doors slamming so he gives up and says leave it till tomorrow but tomorrow never comes.

I did ask him tonight about maybe talking to stepson properly about how he’s feeling because some of you mentioned depression and that really hit me because he does say things like nothing matters and i don’t care and i just thought he was being a moody teen but now i’m worried it’s more than that. Partner said he’ll try to get him to the GP next week but he’s not sure he’ll go. I said even a phone call might help and he nodded so that’s something i suppose.

And yeah i think you’re right about school not being the main focus right now because there’s no point dragging him there if he’s falling apart inside it’s just going to make things worse. We need to calm the house down first because the little ones are both shattered and it’s not fair on them either. I’m going to look at that app someone mentioned to turn the wifi off for just his devices that might be easier than switching it off completely and causing another argument.

I don’t want to give up on him because i do care and i know there’s still a good kid under all this mess somewhere.

Correct answer!

Sounds tough- and like you have all been through a lot.

You and DP have to be aligned. Pick a path and stick to it.

OP I posted up thread about the situation, but I didn't actually offer you any solutions to make him feel like he matters to you, that he belongs. Off the top of my head:

Push a note under his door that just says 'I still love you', signed whatever he calls you. Or 'I'm going to the shops, is there anything you want me to get?'. Whatever occurs to you at the time, react to the situation as it is at the time, but keep at it.

Get his dad to sit in his room with him in the evening. No need for interaction, just being in the same space, DSS gaming, DH on his phone. When son asks what the heck's going on, the response is 'I just wanted to spend some time with you. Feel free to ignore me, you don't have to say anything'.

Give little gifts occasionally, with a note that says 'I saw this and I thought of you'. This isn't rewarding his bad behaviour, it's reassuring him that you care about him and think about him and value him.

For the same reasons, cook his favourite foods sometimes. Ask him what he'd like you to make for dinner. The answer might well be a grunt for the first several times, but you have to keep going. Not every day obviously, that would be overbearing and in his face, but often enough again for him to know he has a place in the family.

That's straight off my head. I'll try and come up with some more. But the principle of all these is that he doesn't have to do anything except maybe give a short answer to the odd question. You and his dad are feeding his sense of belonging. Let him just absorb it.

He certainly sounds depressed and clearly has major behavioural issues. But if he won’t engage - SS, keyworkers, CAMHS, school, dad, can’t make him.
This will all continue until he decides to try to tackle his life, but even if he does his mental health challenges may be very difficult indeed for him to deal with or make headway with.

I’ve seen families blighted by one mentally ill family member like this and it’s not going to get any easier, ever.

I understand that his mum’s treatment must have been very painful, but it’s not unfortunately that uncommon these days that a child gets rejected by one parent. It doesn’t explain the extent of his behavioural problems.

I’m sorry OP but stop sticking up for your partner.

He IS useless.

& he quite clearly doesn’t give a shit about your welfare or the younger children’s welfare. Because if he did, he would actively be trying to engage with his eldest to have a healthy sleep habit and attend school. Not allowing him to be shouting and crashing round all night keeping everyone else awake.

He also would flat out refuse for the school to call you. The only people the school should be calling is him and his ex-partner. Not you. Not in a month of Sundays.

It sounds like the lads had a rough few years. The breakdown of his parents relationship and having both parents enter new relationships with new babies has obviously affected him more than you and your partner will have realised.

You need to find your anger with your partner and demand that he sorts this out. Otherwise it’s not going to improve.

Although I think DP could be making more effort, it’s ok to be overwhelmed and burnt out by this. It’s also very naive to think that DP can sort this out - he can’t. Nor will I suspect psychiatrists be able to fix it either, I very much doubt SS will engage anyway. There is no magic wand that will make any of these easier unfortunately.

No. Im sorry, I disagree.

Both this young lad’s parents don’t sound like they give a shit. From the OP’s responses I can’t see where the lad’s parents have actively tried to engage with him. They’ve just left it to the OP. It’s nowhere near enough to warrant having a psychiatrists help. His parents are lazy fuckers who obviously don’t give a shit about the OP’s welfare or the younger kids.

Of course it’s okay to be burnt out- but unfortunately when it’s your kids you need to keep going. OP’s partner and his ex absolutely need to put their big girl pants on and step up.

Where his mum? Poor lad , abandoned in y9.

Get a meeting with dsl at his school.
How can you love a man who let's his son disintegrate in your own house?
Get a grip.
Sort this out.

Oh my. My friend is going through precisely the same thing. I only know you aren't my friend because you mentioned a pru!

Its all so much more complicated than just a discipline thing isnt it! I think you need to speak to the GP to get signposted to youth mental health provisions outside of Camhs. There are more than you might think but they wont tell you until you specifically ask. Its really really weird!

I think that you are doing an amazing job, despite the constant battle. He's clearly been traumatised by his mum and it must have been very traumatic to have been expelled from school. His self esteem and mood must be low. Unfortunately motivation doesn't appear. You have to kick start it, so he needs some tips and techniques to start each day with. That will then help lift his mood. Have you done much weekly activity planning with him? Whilst his mum has thoroughly let him down, you are sticking by him when things get tough. That's not easy and I really commend you for doing that and also for seeing the good in him. Do you remember to praise him still when he does something good? We often forget to with older children or remind them of a the good things about them. A combination of discipline and praise should help.

Im assuming the mobile contract is in hubbies name, call to provider, ask for new number. They will send you a new sim and cancel the current one. That means no data or phone. Dont give him new sim. Tough love. Also had kids who would not stop online gaming, long time ago. Switched the router of. Finally took it away.

OP, your DSD sounds deeply depressed, probably brought on my his mum not seeming bothered about him now that she's got a new partner and new baby. Can the GP prescribe antidepressants, if she thinks it appropriate? In other words, do you have to wait for CAMHS? I don't mean to alarm you, but he sounds like he could be a suicide risk, staying in bed all day and not wanting to go to school or shower. That sounds like some pretty bad depression.

He is so lucky to have you. Sounds like his parents have given up on him.

The tough love suggestions here are wholly inappropriate for someone who sounds as ill as DSD.

If you do what you've always done, you'll get what you've always got. Take the console and phone, let him go mental all he likes, and don't budge. It might take a few goes, but he'll learn that it doesn't work and stop doing it. It won't do the little ones any harm to learn that in this house, going to school and respecting parents isn't optional. It would do them more harm in the long term to carry on with the situation as it stands.

He has an addiction, and this is being used to anaesthetise his unhappiness which will only get worse and worse.

He should not have the games console or telephone at all. He is effectively killing himself with them mentally.

He is lucky to have you. Reading between the lines you are a loving and loyal person who has stood by him and his father as best you can.

This is from an NHS site. Could you try this route?

“NHS consultant psychiatrists, psychologists, psychotherapists, and family therapists working at the clinic offer treatment to people aged 13 and over suffering from a gaming disorder, as well as their family members.

Depending on patient need they can be offered a range of treatments including family consultations, individual or group therapy, parent workshops, ongoing parent support groups, and family therapy.

Anybody thinking they or their child may benefit from support can be referred into the clinic by their local NHS or can go online to the gaming clinic website to self-refer themselves.
The national centre is based in London, but treatment delivery is mainly online making it accessible to the whole of England without patients having to travel for treatment.
www.england.nhs.uk/2023/03/nhs-treats-hundreds-with-gaming-disorders/