Page 11 | Stepson refusing to get out of bed again and i just cant anymore

Mcoco · 12/10/2025 09:40

Cornishgorl44 · 12/10/2025 07:58

i would say that he sounds depressed. I work in a school for students with these needs and I’d suggest GP. Then pressure on CAHMS and an early help referral again. Ask the school SENCO to help. Under all that is a scared lost little boy wanting help. Would he engage if you asked him to come out of his room and talk to you calmly when no one else is around and say you can see he is struggling and you are listening. Come up with a plan to clean room together and perhaps an online meeting with school. Does he have a case worker at the LA. - would a fresh start school be available?

Perfect

Needlenardlenoo · 12/10/2025 09:42

Sadworld23 · 12/10/2025 08:27

Hrft but OP posts suggest child is hurting because both his parents have got new young families and he has to take a back seat.

Gaming is probably his way of blocking it out.
Having said that, I've no clue how you deal with it, and OP I understand how conflict makes you feel.
I also understand dad is struggling with hard work and family life, but he really has to find that energy to step up and help his son move forward.

Could he take stepson to work with him? Probably not anyone's ideal choice but I'm sure it's happened in the past when teenage boys don't know how to help themselves. Making DStepson feel useful somehow, faking something so you need his help, all methods I think that have been tried when the strict and easygoing approaches don't work.

But it takes incredible family energy to get started

I employed a painter decorator recently who had done this exactly with a slightly older teen. It is an option trades have that professionals in an office/hospital/school/law firm don't.

JayJayj · 12/10/2025 09:42

You do keep making excuses for your husband though. “He’s not a bad he’s just tired” “he does a lot he’s just exhausted” but every time you try something he has a go at you and can’t be arsed to actually deal with his child.

So regardless of what you say you are contradicting yourself. He sounds lazy. So he’s worked all day? And? Most people do and still come home and parent their children.

He needs to step up or at the very least be on your side with things.

Take the temper tantrum from the 14 y/o. Take his phone and his console.

Your husband is self employed so he literally could choose to start later for a week to get his son physically out of bed and to school.
My husband is also self employed as a heating engineer so don’t make an excuse of but, but, but! If he wanted to he could. End of.

Minglingpringle · 12/10/2025 12:15

I think it’s wonderful you want to help him. He needs a parent and if no one else is stepping up, he’s lucky that you are.

You should NOT be in a position where his father does not support you, however. What does your partner need his phone for in the evenings? If it’s not for work, he should do without. You’re trying to save his son, for heaven’s sake. He needs to start helping and caring. Maybe you do need to be the one who takes the lead, but YOU CANNOT DO IT WITHOUT HIS FULL SUPPORT. Things that seem impossible without support become a hell of a lot easier with support.

TheLivelyViper · 12/10/2025 15:29

FlorenceAtFour · 10/10/2025 22:04

Partner is self employed so he can’t really cut down his hours because if he doesn’t work we don’t get paid it’s not like he gets sick pay or anything he’s under boilers or up ladders most days and sometimes doesn’t even finish till 7 so by the time he gets in he’s shattered and just wants his tea and a bit of peace. I know that sounds like an excuse but that’s just how it is right now and we’re trying to keep the bills paid and the kids fed same as everyone else.

I don’t think he’s useless he’s just completely burnt out and doesn’t know what to do anymore. He does love his son i know he does but he doesn’t know how to reach him and every time he tries it just ends up in shouting or doors slamming so he gives up and says leave it till tomorrow but tomorrow never comes.

I did ask him tonight about maybe talking to stepson properly about how he’s feeling because some of you mentioned depression and that really hit me because he does say things like nothing matters and i don’t care and i just thought he was being a moody teen but now i’m worried it’s more than that. Partner said he’ll try to get him to the GP next week but he’s not sure he’ll go. I said even a phone call might help and he nodded so that’s something i suppose.

And yeah i think you’re right about school not being the main focus right now because there’s no point dragging him there if he’s falling apart inside it’s just going to make things worse. We need to calm the house down first because the little ones are both shattered and it’s not fair on them either. I’m going to look at that app someone mentioned to turn the wifi off for just his devices that might be easier than switching it off completely and causing another argument.

I don’t want to give up on him because i do care and i know there’s still a good kid under all this mess somewhere.

You could try asking the GP to do a home appointment, it's not that he can't get in but it may be one of the only ways to get him 'in front' of a professional who may be able to trigger higher levels of involvement from other services.

Does he have any detailed support plans? You either need to take the phone or implement tougher parent watch/PG content filters, have a look at social media contact particularly as he could be looking at dangerous, misogynistic content and other content. Then you may give the phone back if you are scared of him having an overreaction but at least delete the things which are bad, and place blocker to stop him being able to access it again. You have to intervene, him not getting any intervention is also not good for the younger kids.

Try and call the LA again, tell them that he is no longer stable, try and get family support workers, Early Help, Family Solutions involved again for extra support. The school's DSL must be able to call on further resources so try and have some sort of meeting with them, also email them.

Iwillcomeouttheotherend · 12/10/2025 17:20

I know you said he’s under CAMHS, does he have any other symptoms that may point to ADHD?
Clearly he’s had a lot to deal with emotionally and of course that will be driving some of the behaviour.
Was he a good sleeper when he was younger?
My son has ADHD and has always really struggled to fall asleep since he was a baby/ toddler/ young boy …
It was a game changer when CAMHS prescribed melatonin.
When my son hit puberty around 13 his behaviour absolutely went off scale. He had massive mood swings and and at times tried smashing and throwing things in the home.
I can really relate to what you’re having to deal with as it all sounds so familiar, it was horrendous.
He too would want to be up at night gaming or on his phone. He said he couldn’t switch his brain off at bedtime. I want to cry when I remember the daily battles we went thru.
I set timers on the WIFI - caused untold problems and arguments as he has older siblings who did not want it switched off.
I put parental controls on his iPhone - that did help somewhat till he worked out how to get round them.
The phone parental controls also helped for a while with trying to get him into school. If he got up and out on time for school I’d extend his screen time at night. It was an exhausting constant battle.
Before puberty he was involved in sooo much sport. As soon as he hit puberty it all completely stopped. He too started refusing to leave his room (other than go to school) I couldn’t see an end to it.
The good news is that it did eventually calm down … after maybe 2 - 3 years.
I truly wish you all the best in managing it the best you can.
He’s lucky to have you as a stepmum, its clear that you are not going to give up on him and that you care.
❤️

MerryUmberHedgehog · 12/10/2025 19:30

Hard enough for biological parent to get child out of bed let alone one that isn't related. Reason he is being like this is because he's being allowed to by his father. As for your partner saying you're too soft and orher stuff is bang out of order. Your younger children should be the priority and I'd be giving him an ultimatum by now. It's me and the younger ones or your stepson. If you dont draw a line now it will only get worse and a stroppy 14 year old is easier to deal with than an 18 year old lazy so and so.

MerryUmberHedgehog · 12/10/2025 19:36

Rubbish. He is not going to school because he is tired from being awake all night and he is being badly parented (not by stepmum). People are always trying to blame problem on underlying cause or adhd or asd or neurodivergent.

BruFord · 12/10/2025 21:02

MerryUmberHedgehog · 12/10/2025 19:36

Rubbish. He is not going to school because he is tired from being awake all night and he is being badly parented (not by stepmum). People are always trying to blame problem on underlying cause or adhd or asd or neurodivergent.

@MerryUmberHedgehog My two are NT and we still had to get a parental control app and take their phones away to charge in another room. Screen addiction ca be a serious problem for anyone, we can all get sucked in…I’m sitting here scrolling on MN!
As you say, we have to step up and parent our teens.

Needlenardlenoo · 12/10/2025 21:29

He's at a PRU. Those are not normally first resort institutions.

HotTiredDog · 12/10/2025 22:00

Hi @FlorenceAtFour I just wondered how you are today.
How was your weekend?
And how are the rest of the family - your DC, DH and of course DSS?
I hope you have some normal circadian rhythms in your house at the moment & that there’s a positive atmosphere for Monday morning x

llizzie · 13/10/2025 02:13

Lilactimes · 12/10/2025 08:15

Surely being rejected by his mother at such a young age is a cause for sadness?
I know a young person well who is all bravado but when his mother is aggressive with him or blocks him, he’s physically sick at night and anxious and can’t sleep. Poor interaction with her affects him viscerally.
In his case he also had a fairly useless non present father and was diagnosed ND late teens.
Its wrong to under estimate the affect rejection can have on a previously happy young lad.

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Do we know what came first, the rejection or his violent behaviour?

Bearing in mind the cases of violent children who were ignored by those who should be helping the OP to control him, why should she have to put up with this behaviour?

How can the OP know if this is something genetic which her partner has not told her? If from the facebook page of his mother it is obvious that she has found someone else and doesn't want anything to do with his father, perhaps that in itself is pointing to some genetic connection?

She has had nothing to do with his early life, so she doesn't know how he was reared and who or what was responsible for his behaviour.

Whatever it is, the OP should not have to cope with a 14 year old tanked up on testosterone and trying to see how far he can go before someone stops him?

Children need boundaries. If parents allow them to do what they like, then he doesn't know how far he can go, does he?

Doubledenim305 · 13/10/2025 17:51

Can I just say as a secondary teacher working with boys that age all the time, many of them don't respect sweet, sweet, softly kindly gentle understanding words. They just see it as weakness.
They respect adults who expect the best from them and accept nothing less. An adult who they can control is pathetic in their eyes.

I'm not saying be cruel or mean, but stand up to the nonsense. You and your husband. Show him you mean business. That's how to actually help him.

You sound too 'understanding' of your DP lack of parenting.
Unless you change, nothing will.

NavyTurtle · 15/10/2025 14:43

MalteserGeezee · 10/10/2025 17:07

You're only option is to split up with your partner and force him to shoulder the responsibility of parenting his child. Not your circus, not your monkeys. Bin them both.

This

BruFord · 15/10/2025 14:53

Doubledenim305 · 13/10/2025 17:51

Can I just say as a secondary teacher working with boys that age all the time, many of them don't respect sweet, sweet, softly kindly gentle understanding words. They just see it as weakness.
They respect adults who expect the best from them and accept nothing less. An adult who they can control is pathetic in their eyes.

I'm not saying be cruel or mean, but stand up to the nonsense. You and your husband. Show him you mean business. That's how to actually help him.

You sound too 'understanding' of your DP lack of parenting.
Unless you change, nothing will.

@Doubledenim305 Setting boundaries and expectations for our two (DD (20) and DS (17) has worked best for our family. Combined with plenty of hugs and being there to talk when they need support.

I felt complimented recently when DS said he knew that I was only insisting that he got home by a certain time on a school night because I love him and I want the best for him. He still tried to negotiate, but at least he appreciated why I was insisting. 😂

Doubledenim305 · 15/10/2025 16:06

BruFord · 15/10/2025 14:53

@Doubledenim305 Setting boundaries and expectations for our two (DD (20) and DS (17) has worked best for our family. Combined with plenty of hugs and being there to talk when they need support.

I felt complimented recently when DS said he knew that I was only insisting that he got home by a certain time on a school night because I love him and I want the best for him. He still tried to negotiate, but at least he appreciated why I was insisting. 😂

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Absolutely. Love love love but high expectation and boundaries. They are both love.
Letting them live the lowest life they can get away with is not love.

boredofbirmigham · 15/10/2025 19:15

FlorenceAtFour · 10/10/2025 16:17

Hi i dont even know what im asking really just need a handhold 😭
He’s not been into school all week just stays in bed gaming all night then sleeps half the day and partner says just leave him but i cant because its me sat here every morning trying to get him up while partner’s off to work. He just blanks me like im not even there.

Ive tried everything nice and not so nice i’ve shouted i’ve begged i’ve tried making breakfast and being calm but he just rolls over. School keep ringing me and i dont even know what to say anymore because i can’t make him go. Partner says its not my problem but it is though because he lives here and it’s affecting everyone.

The little ones are shattered because he’s up half the night banging about and shouting on that game. I’m running on no sleep and feel like i’m losing it a bit. I know he’s been through stuff before he came here and i do feel for him but i can’t keep doing this every morning on my own. Partner says i’m too soft but i just feel stuck.

Probly gonna get told to let his mum deal but she doesnt even text anymore 🤷‍♀️
I just dont know what else to do x

my friend 15 yo is the same !!! she tried everything and got to the level that SS are involved now as he wont go to school horrible situation