Stepson refusing to get out of bed again and i just cant anymore

[FlorenceAtFour]

Hi i dont even know what im asking really just need a handhold 😭
He’s not been into school all week just stays in bed gaming all night then sleeps half the day and partner says just leave him but i cant because its me sat here every morning trying to get him up while partner’s off to work. He just blanks me like im not even there.

Ive tried everything nice and not so nice i’ve shouted i’ve begged i’ve tried making breakfast and being calm but he just rolls over. School keep ringing me and i dont even know what to say anymore because i can’t make him go. Partner says its not my problem but it is though because he lives here and it’s affecting everyone.

The little ones are shattered because he’s up half the night banging about and shouting on that game. I’m running on no sleep and feel like i’m losing it a bit. I know he’s been through stuff before he came here and i do feel for him but i can’t keep doing this every morning on my own. Partner says i’m too soft but i just feel stuck.

Probly gonna get told to let his mum deal but she doesnt even text anymore 🤷‍♀️
I just dont know what else to do x

This is the third thread this week regarding a DSS who is gaming all night, living in a filthy bedroom, etc. The child’s father does no parenting and the step mum is tearing her hair out.
Why are these Dads so useless and don’t bother to parent their child and put the step mum in such a difficult position?
I despair.
Be careful of men who already have children, and don’t rush to move in or marry these losers.

Father or the year needs to scroll the internet when he gets home from work, don't you know, so the router can't be turned off. God forbid he might read a book, turn on the radio or watch none streaming TV to help his son.

I am so sorry @FlorenceAtFour you sound like a kind and caring person. Your Stepson just wants his own Mam to love him. It’s as simple as that. I have seen this so many times especially with boys. I was a teacher for many years. I often wonder how many men who are in prison were rejected by their mothers like your Stepson was by his. Sorry I have no solutions your life must be very hard.

Ffs he's 14! Take the console away whilst he's sleeping, change the WiFi password and confiscate the phone or his contract.
Of course he's not going to go to school if he knows there's zero consequences for it

Edit to add, his lazy dad should be doing all this. What an odd response to tell u to leave him to it!

It's really good the PrU are offering a reduced timetable. That's really encouraging. So you can start with that goal and yes of course you need to crack down on the gaming both you and your husband and confiscate the console and phone. But discuss it with your stepson first( in the afternoon after he has eaten)and not in the middle of the night. Could he watch TV with your husband instead of gaming in evening ? That was a good way to bond for my sons at their worst.

He is not your child to parent so you need to come down heavy on the dad.
Your authority is being completely undermined here and this will only get worse im afraid.
You need to tell your partner he needs to step up as the parent or they all leave/you're going to leave with your children (depending on who owns the property etc)

“He says he can’t be bothered and that nothing matters.”

This is the type of language, and behaviour, that needs a very specific set of questions:
Has he had any suicidal thoughts?
If the answer is yes, does he feel he wants to stop living entirely, or does it feel more that he wants to escape the type of life he has now?
Does he currently feel safe from acting on these thoughts?
If the answer is no, will he allow Dad to bring him to seek emergency medical help?

He needs to see a doctor for sure. If he won’t go with Dad to the GP surgery, can they make an initial phone call? Does school have a therapist, or can they make a referral?

You sound like a wonderful person for him to have in his corner. Can you impress upon his father how important it is to ask these questions?

He is a child. He is suffering. He has been ousted from his mother’s home by a replacement male. He has been replaced again by a new sibling. He has given up on friends, lessons, hobbies. He needs help, not punishment. He is already punishing himself enough.

(Basing my response on the training we received as boarding school staff on mental health first aid to help lonely teenagers feel less alone)

@FlorenceAtFour - edited to tag you OP because I think it’s really important

Are you married to his dad, does the lad have any respect for you or want a relationship with you.

Your husband needs to deal with this, it’s not on you.
Firstly by ignoring the fact that his son isn’t getting an education he is ruining this boys chances of having a decent life as an adult.
If he doesn’t get GCSEs he won’t be able to go to college or do A levels.. Uni, Apprenticeships, jobs, all out of reach.
The boy sounds like he has had a shitty childhood, he deserves a dad who cares enough to try and make his future is better.
I live next door to a guy whose son moved in with him because of neglect at his mums, he was 16 and also refused to go to school.
He is 26 now, has no friends, has never had a girlfriend or a job and is massively overweight, depressed and sits in his room playing Call of Duty all day.
It’s hugely neglectful of your husband to let things carry on like this.

Your stepson wants his father's attention. Positive attention. That is the first step and that isn't the same as being kind. It's doing things with him chatting to him showing an interest in what he is interested in (even if that is gaming - before 11pm). The sweet spot for that chat is apparently (according to research on teen brain) 9pm.

If every conversation with him is telling him off or giving him instructions there isn't any bridge.

There is always something that they will share and your DH has to find that something not you.

In our house it was discussing sport on TV or discussing television dramas/films

This is the correct answer.

I don't think your husband is playing you for a fool, OP, or that he is useless. You both sound at the end of your inspiration/tether and he works different hours.

I don't think the worry right now is school. It's any (offline) purpose to live at all, now that his mum thinks he's disposable or acts that way.

But yes, I think a serious type of intervention is necessary because this is a very bad path for all of you. I would take two weeks leave (sick leave if necessary) and turn off all devices, 24/7. Can he be made to volunteer? Cook dinner together with his dad? He needs something, anything, in the offline world where he is doing something of worth to others. So not studying or gaming or homework.

then block all the school numbers on your phone. If they do get through stop them as soon as you clock who they are, and tell them they need to speak to the SS parents as you do not have parental responsibility so can’t help.

A family member is a gp and sees a concerning number of young men like this. It’s really concerning. Sounds like he needs robust intervention by the father. The current method dad is using isn’t working

Thanks everyone i do read all the replies even if i don’t always say much straight away it just takes me a bit to get my head round it all sometimes. I know some of you are right that i can’t fix it and i’ve probably been trying too hard to keep everything calm but it’s just so hard to watch it all fall apart you know. I don’t want him to fail or end up getting into trouble because he’s not a bad kid he’s just really lost.

To the person who asked yes partner is dad to my two so it’s not that easy for him to just move out because it’s all of our home really and the little ones love him so much. I do get what you’re saying though and sometimes i think maybe he does need some proper time just him and stepson but then i don’t know how that would even work with school and everything.

And yeah i know i probably sound like i’m turning down suggestions it’s not that i just feel stuck because every time i try something it either causes a row or partner says i’m making things worse. Like the wifi thing i did do that a few nights but partner went mad because he said he needed it for his phone and i just ended up crying and putting it back on. I know i should be stronger but i’m just so tired of the shouting all the time.

They don’t really do much just the two of them anymore which is sad because they used to always be in the shed fixing things or watching football together but now stepson won’t even go near him half the time. Partner has tried to ask him to go out for food or just a drive but he always says no. I think maybe he’s embarrassed because he’s been out of school so long and he’s put on a bit of weight and doesn’t want people looking at him.

I do agree we need to stop worrying about school so much for now and just try to get things calmer at home because we’re all exhausted. I’m going to try and talk to partner tonight when the little ones are in bed but i don’t know if he’ll want to talk because he’s been quiet all evening. I just wish we could all have one peaceful day where no one’s shouting or crying or arguing i feel like that would be a miracle right now x

I think I'd be telling dad that you don't want to be with him anymore so he and his son can leave.

Then turn the internet off at night.

His dad has had ample chance to do this and has chosen not to as he doesn’t like the arguments.

Your partner went mad as the internet was off……so not around to do anything himself and takes it out on you when you attempt to parent. Second one of these posts in the last 2 days…….

Im sure your partner can manage without wifi. Otherwise remove the gaming system. I wouldn’t put up with it, not acceptable behaviour from SS or partner tbh. We had the same issues with my stepson, ended up that everyone in the family ended up kicking him out as they’d had enough with the lying, stealing, fighting, drugs etc. Only when he had no one to steal from did he sort himself out. Tough love works, you can still show you love him but also show that you won’t tolerate this behaviour. Wishing you the best, it’s not easy I know but hearing he’s still allowed to game all night and disturb everyone is truly shocking.

@FlorenceAtFour Look into the parental controls apps that can switch off WiFi to specific devices rather than the whole house. That’s much easier. 💐

It’s easy for people to say chuck them out but then what happens to stepson he’s still a child really even if he acts grown up. I just want things to get better for all of us.

OP it's lovely that you want that and don't want to give up on him, but I'm not at all sure you can have it.

The lad is in a very bad place and mentally damaged. His mother has put having a man in her life way ahead of any consideration for her son, and she hasn't made any secret of where he fits in her life. DSS knows that he's been rejected by a mother who doesn't give a flying fuck about him.

He may also see that his father has rejected him, even if that's not entirely the case. But DH being out of the house for so long at work and then wanting to chill on the computer when he gets home - when does he spend time with his son, just being dad and lad?

So that leaves you. And you get no support to make things better. You have some very difficult decisions to make, but you have first and foremost to look out for the younger children before they too become damaged. They will be suffering from lack of sleep which will make school difficult for them. They could look at DSS and decide that if he's allowed to get away with it (because his dad just says leave it) then why shouldn't they?

DH cannot be allowed to absolve himself of all responsibility however much he feels defeated. Maybe he has to reduce his hours, find another job with shorter hours. At weekends he has to involve himself proactively in his son's life. Let the boy know that he matters to someone even if he doesn't to his mother. This is going to be a long hard road. Take baby steps. Tbh I would put school fairly low down the list of priorities right now. Education can be made up for at any stage in life. Give the boy some self worth and a feeling of belonging.

But if DH isn't prepared to put the hours and the effort in, and be ready for it to be two steps forward and one step back (and sometimes three steps back), then you really do need to look at the future with clear eyes for the sake of the other children.

No wifi past 10 pm ( or whatever suits you) and then let his dad deal with it, agree with telling school that you are not the contact for this child

I would actually end a relationship over this: he's a shit parent, he's failing his child, and you have no power here.

I really think you should get your DP to read the second half of this thread OP. After people realise how desperately your stepson needs love and a sense of self-worth and belonging. This is so sad to read.

Yes. Let him live in the mess.
Go and have a normal life away from this chaos. Nobody else gives a . Disgusting behaviour from stepson and dad.

This.