Stepson refusing to get out of bed again and i just cant anymore

[FlorenceAtFour]

Hi i dont even know what im asking really just need a handhold 😭
He’s not been into school all week just stays in bed gaming all night then sleeps half the day and partner says just leave him but i cant because its me sat here every morning trying to get him up while partner’s off to work. He just blanks me like im not even there.

Ive tried everything nice and not so nice i’ve shouted i’ve begged i’ve tried making breakfast and being calm but he just rolls over. School keep ringing me and i dont even know what to say anymore because i can’t make him go. Partner says its not my problem but it is though because he lives here and it’s affecting everyone.

The little ones are shattered because he’s up half the night banging about and shouting on that game. I’m running on no sleep and feel like i’m losing it a bit. I know he’s been through stuff before he came here and i do feel for him but i can’t keep doing this every morning on my own. Partner says i’m too soft but i just feel stuck.

Probly gonna get told to let his mum deal but she doesnt even text anymore 🤷‍♀️
I just dont know what else to do x

Ask him to keep the racket down at night. If he doesn’t, switch the Wi-Fi off.

Make sure the school has his Dad’s number. Don’t engage with the school, it’s not your problem or responsibility.

Good luck!

Erm I think it’s time to cut the console’s power cable.

From your comment about him being under a boiler and self employed I going to hazard that he’s a self employed gas-safe certified plumber? And you think you have to answer the phone to the school?

I have never met a self-employed tradie who wasn’t constantly taking and making calls and changing appointments to suit. He has more flexibility than virtually any other worker and he is fobbing off his son on to you BECAUSE HE DOESNT WANT TO DO THE HARD STUFF any more than the boy’s mother did.

You’ve both been put through the wringer but he’s given up and you’re still trying.
Then he shouts at you when you try to do stuff to make it better for the family.

The more you make excuses for him the worse he sounds.

You’re going to have to build yourself a backbone, OP. This is setting a worrying precedent for your own kids. You need him to step up or ship out.

Do you work, OP, or are you financially reliant upon your partner? I don't think this situation is healthy for your younger children.

Sounds to me like your stepson has suffered some
sort of abuse. Signs are all there. He needs serious help.

Stop defending your useless partner, he needs to be there for his son and get him the help he deserves, rather than fobbing all the hard stuff off on you.

Look up on YouTube how to block a single item from using the Wi-Fi.
It is easy to do and you can even set times for each item that logs into your Wi-Fi.
it is quiet easy to do.

You all need more help. My advice is to ask the PRU for a meeting. Get his Dad to do this. Explain everything you have outlined here and ask what other help or support can be arranged. There are mentoring services where children have someone who tries to create a relationship with them. They might go for a kick about or tis cafe or for a walk -It’s time for just the child. The PRU or local authority should fund this. This might enable SS to open up a bit.
At home- have a calm conversation about how everyone-including him needs a good nights sleep and so no internet or phone overnight and he needs to be quiet if he can’t sleep. No discussion- just facts. Don’t make it about the younger children as I suspect he feels pushed out.
wake him each morning in time to get his taxi - and if he declines - leave him. Even better if his Dad could do this.
Can you carve out some regular time for him to spend with just his Dad - even if they went to do the food shop or something?
Good luck - it does sound really challenging.

@FlorenceAtFour I’m sorry but it’s not “complicated” and you haven’t tried “everything”.

You’re not parenting at all! The kid is floundering through lack of boundaries and structure. How is it POSSIBLE for you both to be this wet? This is 100% your responsibility.

Come on! Stop feeling sorry for yourself and start acting like an adult!

Oh my god, the JUDGEMENT from people! Does my head in

comments of he’s not your son - not by blood no but families look lots of different ways. Doesn’t stop you caring and is a stupid thing to say.

leave your husband- don’t ruddy do that. Put the effort in to sorting this out. Everyone on MN acts as tho leaving is the easiest thing in the world. And always the best option. It isn’t.

poor lad, his birth mum doesn’t sound interested and has had another baby she’s plastering everywhere. That’s likely the issue. Get the lad some therapy and medication. See it as short term, keep showing him love even though it’s all exhausting, help your partner see what the options and best ways to support are and lead your family to a different, more positive place in a few months. Oh and prioritise sleep. You said you’re tired. I bet. It makes EVERYTHING worse. Take some nytol to help you switch off and recoup a bit.

good luck, you’re doing great x

Sorry haven't ready the whole thread but if school are ringing you each day that's likely more of a safe and well check plus seeing if they can get him in - PRUs in my experience are used to poor attendance. I'd pick up and be honest with them and say you are trying your best. Ultimately you don't have PR (parental responsibility) so it they decided to go down the legal monitoring route then that wouldn't fall on you, it would be your partner.

Can the PRU set up some alternative education provision around sports? Or another vocation that may interest your DSS? Even one day per week to start. They do get funding for this kind of thing but he has to show a little interest.

OP, just a thought, but was there any indication of anything untoward going on with the stepfather? Hopefully not, but your DSS could be showing signs of abuse.

No phone
no screens
your partner has not tried everything

you need to step away

My child doesn't attend school, extremely stressful, i understand what you're going through. Once we stopped obsessing over the situation and backed off, it did lessen the stress.
You sound a great stepmum, I'm glad he has you in his life. I hope it gets easier.

Take the gaming machine off him and turn his internet access off till he starts going to school.

The poor lad needs a really good therapist. Not sure how you'll get him there but he needs to see one ASAP.

I personally am against meds for this, they won't solve the root cause. Abandonment by a parent is a massive trauma. Coupled by the fact his own father is never there for him, and has moved on with new children won't be helping him.

Your DP is out of order giving off about the WIFI when it's the only solution to the current situation. If he doesn't have your back and support you in trying to parent HIS child, then you've no hope.

Sorry OP but I just don't understand people who make these kind of complaints. You can't force a kid into school but you can sure as fuck refuse to give them wifi, a phone or money until they will join everyone else in the real world.

I would tell DH that wifi is being switched off at 10pm and that ss hands his phone in at the same time if you are all to continue living together. In addition to this you will not be liasing with school or making any attempts to get ss into school any further than a gentle nudge and the offer of a cuppa (of you're feeling generous). Anything further is his parent's responsibility

I'd set expectations now for what is expected if ss is to continue living in the family home after age 18 too eg having a job/being in education. Time for ss and your dh to start living in the real world OP but I suspect you're going to have to force this unfortunately.

I'm hoping you're not married to him OP as if you are, then the LA might try to prosecute you for SS non-attendance. They have tried to take step parents to court before (usually the female because she's been the only 'parent' communicating with the school or LA). Even if you're not married OP, I'd still make sure school take you off as a contact, just in case.

I agree with being taken off as a contact too. Non school attendance has serious repercussions and you don’t want to end up with a criminal record.

Agree with what you said about turning off the wifi etc at night but I do take issue with the 'real world' comment. In the 'real world' some kids are early school leavers, in the real world there are adults who have breakdowns or trauma and never return to work or they take a long time to do so.

I absolutely wouldn't be setting expectations about what happens after he turns 18 either, he's only 14, and it sounds like he's very likely to be depressed, that's like saying well if you want to continue living here when you're 18 you better not be unwell then or at least well enough that you can get a job/do a course.

Your partner and his ex have failed your stepson

You now need to not fail your young children by letting them grow up in a situation that is poorly managed and all consuming. Your stepson needs help but your young ones need you to have a backbone and protect their environment and wellbeing as quite clearly their father will not. What sort of a childhood is this to look back on for them?

Is your blind devotion to your partner and willingness to make excuses for all the things he should/could do but isn't for his older child, more important than the children? Will you make the same excuses for him if the younger ones start having their own behavioural or mental health issues because they don't get to sleep and live on eggshells and your partner refuses to help them, too?

Turn off the WiFi and remove console to somewhere you partner can't find it either. Have the massive fucking argument you need to have. Stop caving in because he can't play Candy Crush.

Removing the addiction is where this needs to go. It's cold turkey time. Your partner needs to do this head on. No excuses.

Your partner can have the WiFi back when he also starts behaving like a responsible adult rather than this gob of shite about 'just wanting some peace and his dinner'. Fuck that shit.

Son is modelling his behaviour on Dad, who when it comes down to it, just can't be arsed and that's fine because there's a woman to pick up the pieces and put dinner on the table for him (I am going to lay a bet here he doesn't cook). Dad has given up and doesn't know what to do is mirrored by son who says he can't be arsed to do anything. Why should son be motivated when Dad can no longer be bothered? He's outright saying "yeah son, your right. No point fighting. It's fine to carry on doing this for the rest of your life and having such a shit impact on everyone else in the house".

It doesn't matter if he's shattered. It's tough fucking shit. His son is keeping the others awake at night. Sleep deprivation is an acknowledged form of torture. This is not ok.

Your younger ones are going to grow up with this. Are you really going to let them have to deal with this when they are doing GSCEs and their 25 year old brother is crashing about at 4am the night before their exams?

Seriously. This is ultimatum land where you seriously need to start protecting the younger ones and stop being held hostage by a pair of lazy twats who don't respect you and are both more bothered about whether they can play on their devices in the evenings and bully you in submission.

This is no way to live. You are going to have to deal with arguments. You say you've built a life together with your partner. No you haven't. He's there in body but he's not there emotionally. It's time you realised this and this can't continue and have it out - he deals with it or he and son move out because ultimately you can't keep doing this because of the impact on you and the other kids.

Nothing will change until you lay out this showdown. You'll just be expected to put up and shut up. Neither of them respect you. Start realising this.

Agree with this 👆

@Autumn38 are you referring to me ? If so I cared very, very much for my step son I warned his dad when he was a young teen to stop the all day / all night gaming but it was largely ignored by both of his parents as just something teenagers do . Funnily enough he left school as well . There’s comes a time in your life where enough is an enough and you have to think of your own mental health . Everyone in life has problems but be allowing to stay at home all day at the cost of others is not on.