Stepson refusing to get out of bed again and i just cant anymore

[FlorenceAtFour]

Hi i dont even know what im asking really just need a handhold 😭
He’s not been into school all week just stays in bed gaming all night then sleeps half the day and partner says just leave him but i cant because its me sat here every morning trying to get him up while partner’s off to work. He just blanks me like im not even there.

Ive tried everything nice and not so nice i’ve shouted i’ve begged i’ve tried making breakfast and being calm but he just rolls over. School keep ringing me and i dont even know what to say anymore because i can’t make him go. Partner says its not my problem but it is though because he lives here and it’s affecting everyone.

The little ones are shattered because he’s up half the night banging about and shouting on that game. I’m running on no sleep and feel like i’m losing it a bit. I know he’s been through stuff before he came here and i do feel for him but i can’t keep doing this every morning on my own. Partner says i’m too soft but i just feel stuck.

Probly gonna get told to let his mum deal but she doesnt even text anymore 🤷‍♀️
I just dont know what else to do x

Tell your partner/husband that you won't do it anymore. Remove your phone number from the school - this is his situation to sort out. Focus on your own children and leave the two of them to figure it out between them.

Do you even want to stay with your partner/husband if he is this bloody useless?

Remove yur number from the school's contact list. Tell them to call his parents.
Then tell DH either he deals with this or your marriage is over and he will have to move out with DS.
Whose house is it? How many other DC are there, and how old?

Physically put the wifi router in the car boot and lock it. Keep the key on you.

This is advice for his father though.

Your partner is such a terrible excuse for a father you really don't want him round your younger children.
I feel sorry for your step son, he has been failed so badly by his dad. Does he have a mum?
You need to get out of this damaging relationship and protect yourself and your younger children.
If necessary get some independent legal and financial advice.

This will actually work. I'm a retired teacher. We had some parents who simply switched off their phone and unplugged the landline.

So when stepson is being noisy during the night and waking the younger children, what is DP doing? Why isn’t he going in to his son and telling him to turn off the game and be quiet? He should be. He should then go and settle the younger ones back to sleep. I’m guessing he just sleeps through it all or says that he can’t do it because he has to get up for work.

Id leave.

I wouldn't want my young children watching this, thinking it was normal behaviour

I have huge sympathy op. It’s very easy to say take this, turn that off, from behind a keyboard and quite another to take on an angry dysregulated 14 year old. Different when it’s your own dc and you can trigger a muscle memory of obeying mum when they were 5. I’d be very wary of setting off a storm with your little ones in the house.

Your primary responsibility is to your own dc. And you may need to step away from this situation, to some degree for their protection.

I’m not unsympathetic to your dss. I’ve been through difficulties with my autistic ds and it’s not quite as simple as lighting a fire so the urchin will climb the chimney.

But if his df won’t even back you up in turning off the WiFi, you haven’t a hope here. There are almost certainly issues in school, but while they’ll ring and harangue you about attendance I bet they’ll shut you out if you tried to talk about them addressing his needs, because your not the dp.

I agree with @TequilaNights. It’s unfair and disturbing for your young children to live like this. If the boy’s father won’t do anything while you are there I think you need to leave and he will have to take responsibility for his son, and you protect your own children.

You either take back control and take all devices and cut off the WiFi, or you tell your partner one of you needs to leave and move in somewhere else.
This is his problem to sort and if he’s behaving in such a childish manner, moaning about lack of internet for himself (!!!) then he needs a sharp boot up the backside, how incredibly pathetic.
He needs to parent, he needs to grow a pair, he needs to contact the school and take some time off work to get son back into a routine. What kind of example is he setting to him?!
If he continues on this track then the attendance fines he will be receiving from school will double in price because he will stick his head in the sand and before you know it, you’ll be in court.
please please please think of how all this looks to your other children, and tell him NOW that he sorts it, starting tonight, or he is out.

Who is your internet provider? For example if it is virgin then down load the virgin app onto your phone and simply disconnect all the devices you don't want connected to the internet. Ie stepsons phone and Xbox. Change his phone contract to minimise data. Phone the school. Explain the situation. Say stepson is not your responsibility anymore and they must phone mum or dad as you will not be answering. Make sure step son gets no pocket money unless he attends school.

If dad disagrees with any of this. Move out with the other kids.

"I have turned the wifi off before but then partner moans because he wants it on when he gets home from work"

Turn it off at midnight or when you go to bed.

Op, you know the solution to this problem, you just can't face it

With Virgin Media you can assign the connected devices to profiles and you can pause devices individually as required. It has been very handy in our house to get said teenager to either tidy their room or stop screaming at the TV whilst gaming. He gets one warning, wind it in or it gets turned off. It’s very handy ☺️

Either

1. Leave or kick husband and son out

Or

1. Unplug router, remove his phone and stop paying for it.

Tell husband that he is a parent and needs to act like one. Good luck.

This👆
Tell your partner that unless he finds a solution then you will put your own children first and leave him. Stop trying to parent his child for him, and stop allowing your children to witness this shit.

I would be tempted to go into the school (on your own) and explain to them exactly what's going on. Tell them in no uncertain terms that this is your partner's child, not yours. Tell the school that they are not to think of him as your stepson, as you are not married to his father and you do not have parental responsibility.
Explain that you have tried but this young person completely ignores you and you can't make him go to school. Reiterate that they are not to call your mobile or the house phone first, they must call either his dad or his mum about unauthorised absences.

Also tell the school that his dad fucks off to work in the morning and leaves you to deal with it, the situation is now causing strife in your relationship, and you have absolutely reached the end of your tether.

My thoughts entirely, though I had thought of bringing up a bucket of cold water as well (to wash the window, obv.). My DS did this - I did the bucket trick and let the dog in, who washed his face for him. He got up. Mind, he once slept for 22 hours - he did not, however, ever miss school. Uni another matter but my late DH (a youth worker) managed to counsel him and he is now doing very well and the father of two quite nice children and the owner of a house in a conservation area. (Also divorced and the owner of a Harley Davidson. But you can't have everything.)

You need to leave this absolutely useless shit of a man, leave him and he will have to deal with his son, he isn't your problem but he will ruin your life if you let him stay.

I have experienced this my son left school in 4th year. he had been attending part time as it turned out he was being bullied at school and was not telling anyone so he didn't want to attend school, he went into a depression but I know everyone says remove the WiFi but this really is all he has and is his form of communication, maybe there is something going on he is not talking about, sorry but only trying to help, he eventually spoke to us and went on to look for a job and is looking to pass his driving test now, he still likes to stay home and do his own thing, so hopefully things will improve

Phone away after 8. Xbox or whatever available at the weekend only if he’s attended school all week. Exercise every day with dp, because they need to bond and he needs to sleep.

Until my son was 18 we took the cable out of his console every night and he had to leave his phone in the kitchen.
His Dad is kicking the can down the road and I find it honestly insulting that he says you're nagging. And the lad is being disrespectful to you because he sees his dad doing it.
Show him this thread so he can see how ridiculous he's being.

Please understand that you do not have to ruin your life to accommodate other people who are not your responsibility.

Stop "people pleasing" and draw your line in the sand.

You are being used, like some kind of domestic appliance. Your partner and his son can go and behave like this on their own dime, in their own place.

Save yourself. Do it now. Make a better life without these parasites.

Wow, I posted something also identical a few weeks back except my stepson is an adult who had failed two different uni courses . We went on holiday he promised he would walk our dogs and found out he had left them in all week . He ran back to mummy when I got home from holiday as his dad and me were so angry about it , now started a third unusual course as a last resort . He won’t change but he’s not coming back here to live, no interests except gaming and drinking all night . No sign of any job after three months of me nagging him and his dad.

Thanks everyone I know it sounds like partner is useless but he’s really not he’s just completely run out of ideas with it all. He’s tried being strict and he’s tried being kind but nothing makes a difference anymore and I think he’s just given up a bit. It’s not that he doesn’t care he just doesn’t know what to do next and says there’s no point arguing every morning because it just turns into a fight. I think he’s embarrassed too because he feels like he’s failed as a dad.

I probably should of said he’s not even in normal school anymore he’s at a PRU and they have been really good with him but even they can’t get him to come in lately. They send a taxi and he just won’t go. They’ve said he can do a reduced timetable but he still won’t get up. I feel like everyone’s looking at me like I should be sorting it but I’m not his mum and I can’t drag him out of bed.

I know people are saying take my number off the school list but that feels wrong because someone has to talk to them and partner’s at work all day and can’t answer his phone when he’s under a boiler or whatever. I don’t mind taking calls but I just don’t know what to tell them anymore. I do think he needs more help but CAMHS are dragging their feet and the school said they can’t force him to come in.

I don’t want to split up or anything I love my partner but it’s really hard when it feels like we’re stuck in a loop. He’s a good man and works hard but he just doesn’t handle this stuff the same way I do. I just wish someone could tell us what to do next because it feels like we’ve tried everything and nothing works.