Stepson refusing to get out of bed again and i just cant anymore

[FlorenceAtFour]

Hi i dont even know what im asking really just need a handhold 😭
He’s not been into school all week just stays in bed gaming all night then sleeps half the day and partner says just leave him but i cant because its me sat here every morning trying to get him up while partner’s off to work. He just blanks me like im not even there.

Ive tried everything nice and not so nice i’ve shouted i’ve begged i’ve tried making breakfast and being calm but he just rolls over. School keep ringing me and i dont even know what to say anymore because i can’t make him go. Partner says its not my problem but it is though because he lives here and it’s affecting everyone.

The little ones are shattered because he’s up half the night banging about and shouting on that game. I’m running on no sleep and feel like i’m losing it a bit. I know he’s been through stuff before he came here and i do feel for him but i can’t keep doing this every morning on my own. Partner says i’m too soft but i just feel stuck.

Probly gonna get told to let his mum deal but she doesnt even text anymore 🤷‍♀️
I just dont know what else to do x

Not that easy though when you love someone and have a heart....

Why did he disengage from education? Coukd he had an underlying learning disability such as dyslexia?

I have seen interviews with Jamie Oliver (dyslexic) who says that had he not been working from 13 in the family pub in the kitchen, he’d never have found a passion for cooking and who knows where he’d end up.

is it worth exploring that? He is only 14, I hope the adults in his life don’t give up on him. But he does need tough love. His dad needs to be more assertive, decide on house rules and enforce them!

You're obviously a lovely step mum to care about him like this.

That said, it falls to his Dad to sort. You've tried your best. When the school call provide your husband's number so that they can talk to him directly. He isn't yours

I do feel for you, it must be so hard, especially as he’s not your child.
Have you tried or thought about Alternative Provision? I run an AP farm and we have lots of kids like this, we just get them out in the fresh air and doing farming with the animals and forest school stuff and just re-engaging with the world really, might be worth seeing if there’s anything like this near you? There’s lots of different types of AP, we’re a farm but there’s others such as vocational ones with building courses etc. sounds like he needs to find a new way through life…good luck!

Who owns the house? 😈

Come on your partner is absolutely useless! So many of us work hard and are exhausted at the end of the day. But if you’ve got kids you’re bloody responsible for them! You can’t just switch off and just have your dinner. He needs to step up. This is only going to get worse, I can assure you as someone who has a sibling who went down this path. Your lives are gonna get so much worse unless this is nipped in the bud. Id also want to check what he’s reviewing online.

Reading through some of your comments and replies, my suggestion would be that you, your husband, and stepson, get in the car go over to the mother. Outline what is going on. Ask for suggestions. If none are forthcoming, then tell them all they have two weeks to come up with a plan of action, which includes all of them actively actually “doing” something, OR you will be reporting them all to the relevant departments for them “not giving a sh*t” about their own son. You’ve done your best, it’s down to the actual PARENTS now to step up and do what they should have been doing for the last two years. It’s not fair on you, your kids, or your stepson. Don’t wait until something disastrous happens.

I think he is damn lucky to have such a caring and loving stepmother, and that is the first time I have ever said that on MN in 15 years. You sound genuinely invested in this young chap, and thank god for that.

Insist on an app with a GP and a make (pref) counsellor is possible

I agree. He is lucky to have your concern.

Does your husband ever take him out on one of his days off, just the two of them? Show him some attention and love, get him out of bed that way?

Your stepson is so lucky to have you. You are incredibly caring more so it appears than his mum. He does sounds depressed and needs help. Don't give up on him and carry on supporting him. You are doing an incredible job.

I’d have lost patience big time by now. I wouldn’t feel any obligation towards him. Throw his gaming stuff and phone in the bin. Tell the school to ring his father or mother and don’t answer if they phone you, Then leave him in bed.

It sounds like you are lovely and your partner is tired, you have both tried your best for a long while, but I can’t believe your stepson’s mum - she has just abandoned him! Surely this is the whole reason why he is numbing his pain with gaming? She needs to be told in no uncertain terms what her abandonment of him is doing. As the poster says above, get them to make a plan for involving him in their life - and apologise massively to him for seeming not to care and being so wrapped up in their new baby and life together. This is so, so damaging for a young person. No wonder he is depressed. If that doesn’t work, talk to him about this. Explain that you don’t think it’s right and how awful he must feel. I’d be absolutely livid for this poor boy. I’m livid just reading about it!
He needs to have boundaries on the gaming (turning off the WiFi at night surely is the start, your husband can’t need it when he sleeps!) and you need to talk to him about it. And you need to get him some professional help. Otherwise you’ll just end up dealing with this forever. Unfortunately this kind of stuff does seem to fall to the women. So to help yourself, you need to help him before it’s too late. Sending you so much love and strength, it sounds really hard and you have already done so much already xxx

I think he's treating you badly and refusing to engage in the family because his dad has a new person/ partner that he probably ndoesnt like. He won't change ( tho I'm not a doctor) why would he change the world has nothing in it that will change him. He's lazy he's rude he's disrespectful if I was you I'd ignore him turn the power off get WiFi were you can restrict access at a time that suits the family! Other than that gather the children and leave.

Exactly this!!!!!!!

You need tough words with the father: 'the dog or me' sort of words.

The boy is rejecting your authority. If it is your home, let them both go. The son is unlikely to do this without some sort of discussion with his father, who is ignoring him and your efforts to deal with him.

See that he is not sick, or sickening for something. Look back and think when this behaviour started, and see if you can find a cause. If there is none, perhaps it is time for DP and DSS to part company.

Ask yourself 'is it crunch time?' It depends on how much you love your DP, and whether you can really live the rest of your life with him and his resentful son, who is punishing you for some reason.

You need to turn of the wifi and his mobile data. You'd be doing him a huge favour. I have a 10 year old and there is no way I would ever let him stay up all night gaming at age 14. Set boundaries and so what if he gets aggressive. You're failing as parents.

I know it's easy to pass judgement on your situation from afar but you know you've done your best and now have to consider the welfare of your two youngest kids. I feel your husband is hiding behind the persona of work weary Provider doing the best for his family when in reality, he's escaping whilst you have to deal with this crap 24/7.

i would say that he sounds depressed. I work in a school for students with these needs and I’d suggest GP. Then pressure on CAHMS and an early help referral again. Ask the school SENCO to help. Under all that is a scared lost little boy wanting help. Would he engage if you asked him to come out of his room and talk to you calmly when no one else is around and say you can see he is struggling and you are listening. Come up with a plan to clean room together and perhaps an online meeting with school. Does he have a case worker at the LA. - would a fresh start school be available?

Hi - I’m going to be more controversial and go against a lot of the replies @FlorenceAtFour

Ive has this experience with both DC and DN (who now lives with me permanently.)

You sound lovely and he’s lucky to have you. He has been rejected by his mum and replaced in her life . He’s 14. He’s sad and hurt.

I agree that boundaries need to be in place. But in order to have any chance of him sticking to his boundaries or understanding them and not kicking off - first of all you need to make everything a bit calmer at home and try and bring some joy back into the home in order to at least get him listening to you both.

Will your DP just sit and game with him, show an interest in what he’s doing? Watch a movie all together that he likes ? Cook a meal he loves and eat all together. Just try and do somethings that bring a smile to his face. Quizzes? Games? Can your DP take him out in the car for a drive?
Help get his room in order so it feels better, cleaner.
VItamins can help in case he’s lacking in Vit D and B12 which will lower his mood and energy.
It took me 3 months to cajole my DC into therapy but it worked.
If you can re establish some kind of bond or spark in him at that point he’s more open to hearing advice. Then you can explain why the router is being turned off and why he can’t game all night and this is for his own good because you guys love him.

I wrote a more detailed reply earlier along these lines and it was held up by MN and not posted. I’d say it’s definitely carrot and then stick in these instances. It does work - your SS is not deliberately evil, he’s unhappy and rejected, and if you can get through to him, slightly ease it as a family and then explain how he can get better hopefully this will help.

I’m saying “you” but I mean both you and your DP but working as a team. I personally don’t believe you should step away - he’s your kids half brother and you’ve known him a long time.
He’s lucky to have you and you may end up being the person who helps him turn his life around at this pivotal age x

He obviously needs support but your partner needs to step up. Turn off internet at night / remove TV from room etc. Tell the school to contact your partner first and to only use your contact details in an emergency. Don't answer on the first ring - they'll leave a message telling you what they're calling for - send the info to your partner to deal with. You can't do anything in this situation if you aren't being given any authority, and your partner ignoring the situation isn't helping your stepson.

Tell the school to remove your contact details from DS's records.

Surely being rejected by his mother at such a young age is a cause for sadness?
I know a young person well who is all bravado but when his mother is aggressive with him or blocks him, he’s physically sick at night and anxious and can’t sleep. Poor interaction with her affects him viscerally.
In his case he also had a fairly useless non present father and was diagnosed ND late teens.
Its wrong to under estimate the affect rejection can have on a previously happy young lad.

Hrft but OP posts suggest child is hurting because both his parents have got new young families and he has to take a back seat.

Gaming is probably his way of blocking it out.
Having said that, I've no clue how you deal with it, and OP I understand how conflict makes you feel.
I also understand dad is struggling with hard work and family life, but he really has to find that energy to step up and help his son move forward.

Could he take stepson to work with him? Probably not anyone's ideal choice but I'm sure it's happened in the past when teenage boys don't know how to help themselves. Making DStepson feel useful somehow, faking something so you need his help, all methods I think that have been tried when the strict and easygoing approaches don't work.

But it takes incredible family energy to get started

Your step son sounds very sad, he’s had a hard time being rejected by his mum and he doesn’t know how to deal with it. Take it one step at a time, perhaps even just try and get him outside for a walk so he can get some fresh air and perspective.

Sounds like a very hard situation for you all, and he’s lucky to have you.

In the UK, dyslexia is not a learning disability. Dyslexia is a specific learning difficulty (often you see it abbreviated to SpLD). A learning disability is a separate diagnosis. It is different in some other countries.