Stepson refusing to get out of bed again and i just cant anymore

[FlorenceAtFour]

Hi i dont even know what im asking really just need a handhold 😭
He’s not been into school all week just stays in bed gaming all night then sleeps half the day and partner says just leave him but i cant because its me sat here every morning trying to get him up while partner’s off to work. He just blanks me like im not even there.

Ive tried everything nice and not so nice i’ve shouted i’ve begged i’ve tried making breakfast and being calm but he just rolls over. School keep ringing me and i dont even know what to say anymore because i can’t make him go. Partner says its not my problem but it is though because he lives here and it’s affecting everyone.

The little ones are shattered because he’s up half the night banging about and shouting on that game. I’m running on no sleep and feel like i’m losing it a bit. I know he’s been through stuff before he came here and i do feel for him but i can’t keep doing this every morning on my own. Partner says i’m too soft but i just feel stuck.

Probly gonna get told to let his mum deal but she doesnt even text anymore 🤷‍♀️
I just dont know what else to do x

I think DP needs to move our and manage his son alone.

Is DP the father of your kids?

This this this. Every single day, different family, same thing over and over.

His dad needs to take everything away from him. If he wants privileges he needs to earn them. If your partner doesnt step up he's setting his kid up to fail. I feel sorry for SS, his mum that's fucked off and a dad's that's checked out, but if he doesn't get some tough love things won't improve.

Why are you sorting everything? He is not your child. He is the child of on eejit who is completely abdicating his role as a father. Leave him be. Let him stew in his own filth. Let him rot away. What I would not let him do is yell at a game all night and disrupt the household. Tell him he can ruin his life if he likes but if he disrupts the household again you are taking the console and his phone. Be prepared to call the guards. If the father (I use that term loosely) pushes back on these new rules, kick him the hell out. Have him take that kid with him. It seems as though you have chosen to have children with the father who is taking the piss. You need to make sure you tell them repeatedly that you will not allow similar behavior from them. I feel bad for this kid. He must feel that neither his father nor mother care about him. He is not your problem. Oh, and call the school and tell them never to call your number again. You are not the parent. Let them call the truancy officer and then your husband will have to deal with him.

Yes, the boy obviously has a lot of problems, but he's not going to make any progress or get any happier hiding in an online world in his bed and treating his loved ones like this. It's just going to go on for years with his problems getting bigger. If his father wants to change things then wifi off at 9, box and phone gone, and some major terms of change about household rules are needed. Yes, son will kick off. He needs to realise that if he wants things to change it's going to take some effort on his part and that ongoing enablement to live like this won't be happening.

If DP isn't willing to make the effort to do without wifi after 9 for his son then no, I'm afraid he's not a good dad or partner, because you're saying you can't go on like this.

If he was a single parent he would HAVE to come out from under a boiler and answer his phone to calls from the school. It really isn't fair that he's dumping this shit on you.

Going against the grain but i think it's great that you care about him and are taking on a parental role. With a kid you've known since he was 6, who's been abandoned by his mum, I think you're doing right by him to step up.

It's a really tough situation. You need you and your partner to work as a team. I think try to keep positive communication with DSS, he must be really hurt by what happened with his mum. But also explain that you need to set more boundaries around the gaming, by reducing the hours and turning off the wifi, for his own wellbeing, and so everyone in the family can get some sleep. If it sounds like he has positive relationships with gaming friends, I'd try to make sure you don't cut those off, as he'd be worse off with no friends at all.

So in your mind…

his mother wants nothing more to do with him and is basically the entire problem, and yet…

his father wants nothing more to do with him and ‘partner has kind of shut off with it all because it hurts him and he doesn’t want to admit’

so they are behaving the EXACT same way towards their son, and yet you give his father a completely free pass, but berate the mother.

OP you need to tell the PRU to delete your name and number from their records and to deal with his father. This isn’t rude, it is clear communication. It is a waste of their and your time for them to be calling you.

Stop policing your stepson’s education and focus on getting him to be considerate in the house. Don’t wake him in the morning but do turn off the internet at night and cancel his phone contract to try and get him more likely to sleep at night and game in the day. It may take a month or so for him to readjust his schedule, though.

If you can, take him out for MacDonalds or make him his favourite snacks during the day that might help keep a foot in the friendly relationship door. Keep trying to engage him in family life - do things you know he likes (not to the exclusion of the other kids, but at least his fair share) cook food he likes. Praise him for things you know he’s tried with. But leave the schooling side of it all to his Dad. Be the Disney parent as much as you can while trying to protect the younger kids from disruption. Let his dad be the bad cop.

It can be devastating to miss schooling at this stage of development, but not nearly as devastating as missing warm family connection and a sense that parents (and carers) like you and love you.

But lots of people on here have told you what to do? What do you think CAMHS will do? They don't have a magic wand. They can assess him to see if there's a mental health or developmental reason why this has happened. But you and his parents will still have to do the work that will lead to change. As someone said earlier, you know in your gut what needs to happen, you just can't face it. Neither can his parents. 99.9% of the time, no matter what's going on, a child is better off in a routine and going to school where they can socialise as well as do a bit of learning and get some air and exercise. His brain is developing and brains develop according to the environment so his brain is not getting a good deal as it stands. His behaviour is setting a very poor and negative example to your young children. I think that would be motivation enough for me to make the changes required.

@RawBloomers's advice is good.

This. Why are you being phoned? Tell school to call his dad and turn off WiFi at 10pm

It helps the OP to think her partner is not as bad, as who wants to accept that the man they are partnered and have children with is utterly useless.
The only useful adult in his life right now (bar providing a roof over his head) is the OP ☹️.

IRL I don’t see this cycle as much, but on MN, you summed it up absolutely and it’s so depressing. There’s a cost of living and a cost of loving crisis.

We are similar with an ADHD DD who has been massively failed by the school system and as a result is a school refuser and got into a bad friend group and other influences. We thankfully have help and are starting to see the light at the end of a very long tunnel. She has quite a lot of trauma to deal with.

OP - the only way things will work for you as a family is to create strong boundaries. That's with your DH too. And if he doesn't support them it will be game up.

You don't take calls from school any more. Dad or mum do.
You don't bother getting him up. That's his dad's responsibility.
If he doesn't get up for school there will be no gaming at all. The WiFi goes off at 10:30. Set up permissions on all of his technology.
If he acts up and is violent the police are called again.
If he gets into school he gets a reward.
If he wants snacks/pocket money/lifts he has to earn them through being polite and doing basic things like washing, cleaning his room.

You have these problems that you want solutions for. Every solution you're given, you turn down.

So what you need to do is accept that this is the life you're choosing for yourself 🤷‍♀️

I'm sorry, but fuck your partner moaning that the router has been switched off. If he dealt with his kid, you wouldn't need to do that. He's not dealing with him, so fuck him. Switch the damn thing off every night.

Yet another thread where the step mother cares more about a child than their actual parents.

You sound like a really good step-mum, OP. I'm sorry you are being let down by your partner.

Absolutely do not pin him to the pillow wtf.

I know everyone thinks partner is useless but he’s really not he’s just been through hell with it all same as me. Stepson got sent to the PRU last year after being kicked out of mainstream because was constantly getting into fights and walking out of lessons. Before that he’d already been suspended loads of times and they said they couldn’t keep him safe or other kids safe so that’s how he ended up there. It’s not like partner didn’t try he went to every meeting and sat in school offices for hours trying to sort it all out but nothing worked and now he just says he doesn’t know what else to do.

He has hit partner before when things have got really bad but not for ages now. It was when he first came here and everything was kicking off he threw something at him and then shoved him and I honestly thought he was going to go for him again but partner just walked away and said he wasn’t going to hit him back because it would only make it worse. I think since then he’s been scared of losing it again so he sort of avoids dealing with him properly.

He used to love football and drawing he was really good at it too but now he won’t do anything. We bought him sketch pads and pencils and even a new football last Christmas but he just left them in his room still in the packet. He says he can’t be bothered and that nothing matters. It’s really sad because I know there’s a good kid still in there somewhere he just doesn’t want to show it.

I get people saying I should leave but it’s not that simple. We’ve built a life together and it’s not all bad. Partner works hard he’s out the house by 7 most mornings and doesn’t get back till after 6 and then he’s shattered. He’s not lazy or a bad dad he’s just had enough of fighting all the time. I wish everyone could see that I’m not being taken for a fool I’m just trying to hold things together. It’s easy for people to say chuck them out but then what happens to stepson he’s still a child really even if he acts grown up. I just want things to get better for all of us.

I just wish someone could tell us what to do next because it feels like we’ve tried everything and nothing works.

That's your answer there, you've tried everything and nothing works so you need to learn to accept that, you need to divert your energy into accepting that and being able to let it go. It's out of your control, forget about school for now, he sounds like he's very unhappy, the goal over the next few months is to see if some progress can be made there in regards to making him feel a bit more positive, you say he's given up on his hobbies, well maybe your partner should try a start a new one with him together, do they ever spend any alone time together?

So what’s the plan to make it easier?

The point is OP that all this is deeply impacting your younger kids’ childhoods. DS needs to be out of the house as he is simply too dysfunctional, so unless you put him in foster care DP needs to go with him.

Are the younger kids your DP’s I’m still not clear. (Apols I’d I’ve missed it).

I say this whenever I get the chance on these threads. Your stepson may have vitamin D deficiency which you can easily remedy by getting him a blood test and then gp can give him a loading dose. Vitamin D deficiency often makes children insomniac, lethargic, anxious irritable and if he is in bed all day and up all night it's very likely he didnt get much sun in the summer.

Also having experienced the sleep all day awake all night teenager you absolutely won't be able to get him up in the morning unless he really really wants something at 10 am for example - some appointment which is really positive (Shop? Outing?NOT school.) Or, It will need a weeks reset. getting up a half hour earlier every day and slowly changing the circadian rythmn works better than every day trying to drag him out of bed at 8 and failing.

Cortisol levels and anxiety are often highest in the morning for school refusers. Is there anyway to make an arrangement that he can go to school half way through the morning rather than not at all.

This has happened to so many people I know and the late night gaming was often part and parcel of social anxiety, ADHD, being unable to fall asleep in the evening (teenagers have different sleep cycles to adults) ; they genuinely could not wake up at 7 30am. Getting angry won't help.

Vitamin D test
Reset his sleep cycle over over ateast a week before tackling school refusal.
Remembering that school refusal is often can't not won't.

This.

FFS, why on earth are this lad's own parents leaving you to deal with this!?

Poor lad and poor you.

I promise you that these things happen in families with the absolute best intentions. School refusal and late night gaming or phone use are indications of your stepson being very unhappy and he needs love and support not vilification. You are doing a fantastic job to be there for him but don't let the school bully you about attendance...get him some structured goals first, up every day by 11 could be goal, bring washing down start small and check out his vitamin D and B12 /folate levels please please