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Teenagers

Parenting teenagers has its ups and downs. Get advice from Mumsnetters here.

Original poster

Stepson refusing to get out of bed again and i just cant anymore

267 replies

FlorenceAtFour · 10/10/2025 16:17

Hi i dont even know what im asking really just need a handhold 😭
He’s not been into school all week just stays in bed gaming all night then sleeps half the day and partner says just leave him but i cant because its me sat here every morning trying to get him up while partner’s off to work. He just blanks me like im not even there.

Ive tried everything nice and not so nice i’ve shouted i’ve begged i’ve tried making breakfast and being calm but he just rolls over. School keep ringing me and i dont even know what to say anymore because i can’t make him go. Partner says its not my problem but it is though because he lives here and it’s affecting everyone.

The little ones are shattered because he’s up half the night banging about and shouting on that game. I’m running on no sleep and feel like i’m losing it a bit. I know he’s been through stuff before he came here and i do feel for him but i can’t keep doing this every morning on my own. Partner says i’m too soft but i just feel stuck.

Probly gonna get told to let his mum deal but she doesnt even text anymore 🤷‍♀️
I just dont know what else to do x

OP posts:
Apfelkuchen · 10/10/2025 18:09

School can’t ring you unless they have permission to use your number. Send an email now requesting that they remove your contact details from their system with immediate effect. They are legally bound to comply.

monty2020 · 10/10/2025 18:12

I hasten to add the father should deal with this as he’s not facing up to his responsibilities, I had the same here and I was thinking of leaving !

AmandaHoldensLips · 10/10/2025 18:12

Remove your contact details. It really is not your responsibility. Don't feel bad about it. Look up "FOG" (fear, obligation, guilt). It's heaped upon women and you need to toughen up and say NO.

SandyY2K · 10/10/2025 18:15

FlorenceAtFour · 10/10/2025 18:09

Thanks everyone I know it sounds like partner is useless but he’s really not he’s just completely run out of ideas with it all. He’s tried being strict and he’s tried being kind but nothing makes a difference anymore and I think he’s just given up a bit. It’s not that he doesn’t care he just doesn’t know what to do next and says there’s no point arguing every morning because it just turns into a fight. I think he’s embarrassed too because he feels like he’s failed as a dad.

I probably should of said he’s not even in normal school anymore he’s at a PRU and they have been really good with him but even they can’t get him to come in lately. They send a taxi and he just won’t go. They’ve said he can do a reduced timetable but he still won’t get up. I feel like everyone’s looking at me like I should be sorting it but I’m not his mum and I can’t drag him out of bed.

I know people are saying take my number off the school list but that feels wrong because someone has to talk to them and partner’s at work all day and can’t answer his phone when he’s under a boiler or whatever. I don’t mind taking calls but I just don’t know what to tell them anymore. I do think he needs more help but CAMHS are dragging their feet and the school said they can’t force him to come in.

I don’t want to split up or anything I love my partner but it’s really hard when it feels like we’re stuck in a loop. He’s a good man and works hard but he just doesn’t handle this stuff the same way I do. I just wish someone could tell us what to do next because it feels like we’ve tried everything and nothing works.

As long as you're in this relationship, your partner will leave everything to you.

I wouldn't bother telling him to go to bed or wake him up. Leave him. What would his dad do if you weren't there?

What's the situation with his mum?

I really couldn't be dealing with this.

bestbefore · 10/10/2025 18:15

The son sounds really sad. Why is he like that? He’s only 14. It’s no life for him and I would be worried about what he’s getting into

YoureNotGoingOutLikeThat · 10/10/2025 18:16

Ooof, this is really hard on you, OP.
Are Children's Services still engaged? Does your son have a Social Worker? If he does not attend the PRU, it is likely that they will have to refer to Children's Services.
Does DSS have any friends? Apart from online ones? He is quite vulnerable to being taken advantage of by people online too. He's clearly shut down and there's probably trauma and MH there. Can you talk to the GP about your concerns for his health and if they know of anywhere else he can access?
Are there other outreach style places you could talk to partner about for DSS. What about a sport such as boxing?

UnbeatenMum · 10/10/2025 18:19

I'm not saying this is the OP's job at all but what's actually going on with school? Bullying? Unmet SEN? Mental health issues? Is anyone trying to get to the bottom of this?

AdoraBell · 10/10/2025 18:20

As your partner has said leave stepson to sleep in then I would say - fine, your deal with the tired young DC and stop the noise at night so that I can sleep.

Then unplug the router and put it under your bed, on the side that DP sleeps.

JKLolling · 10/10/2025 18:28

Put it this way: whether he goes to school or not, should he be up all night playing PlayStation? No. Wait until he has a shower, go in and take it and don't give it back. He can buy one when he has a job. Turn the wifi off at midnight every night and cancel his phone contract.

It seems like you and your partner aren't going to do these basic things. But then uou will be back in 4 years with an 18 year old with no exams and no job who will be living with you until he's in prison for drug dealing or has knocked someone up.

Take the playstation and wifi and don't mention school. He mught start going out if boredom

TreadSoftlyOnMyDreams · 10/10/2025 18:30

God. I'd take a leaf out of Kirsty Allsopp's book and take a hammer to the games console. I'd certainly shut down his phone too and move it to PAYG. He can pay for it out of pocket money which only materialises on a Saturday if he's been to school for 5 days and cleaned his room.

If he's in a PRU, why? Is he a danger to you or your children? Has he got special educational needs. Have you both spoken to a social worker about finding a residential alternative?

Hohumdedum · 10/10/2025 18:33

Balloonhearts · 10/10/2025 16:51

Oh ffs, why are you putting up with this? Take the fucking game console and sell it. Or bin it. Whatever, just get rid of it. Tell him people who don't attend school or work can't afford PlayStations.

He does not get to keep you all up at night on it either. I'd be in his room at 7am sharp, hoovering and cleaning as noisily as possible. If you don't get to sleep, neither does he. If you can't physically get rid of it just ensure no WiFi access and take the charger or power cable. The defiant attitude only lasts as long as the battery.

The phone goes too. He isn't going to school so you don't pay for it and he doesn't work so he can't pay for it. Just cancel the contract so no data and change WiFi password so he can't use that either.

This.

Plus tell the school to only ring his actual parents.

Possibly together with "DH, back me up on this and get your child to school or I'll divorce you".

WhereYouLeftIt · 10/10/2025 18:37

TreadSoftlyOnMyDreams · 10/10/2025 18:30

God. I'd take a leaf out of Kirsty Allsopp's book and take a hammer to the games console. I'd certainly shut down his phone too and move it to PAYG. He can pay for it out of pocket money which only materialises on a Saturday if he's been to school for 5 days and cleaned his room.

If he's in a PRU, why? Is he a danger to you or your children? Has he got special educational needs. Have you both spoken to a social worker about finding a residential alternative?

A hammer to the console was my thought too!

"I don’t want to split up or anything I love my partner"
Given that he's happy dumping all this shit on you - how certain are you that he loves you too?

Frankly, the loving doesn't really matter here. What happens are the practicalities. Stepson's presence is detrimental to you and your children. His father/your partner needs to step up to his responsibilities and get himself a place for him and his son, leaving you and your children to peace and quiet.

His son is not your responsibility. His son is HIS responsibility, and he doesn't get to put that responsibility onto anyone else's shoulders.

Tell him he's leaving.

BruFord · 10/10/2025 18:40

Find out which parental control apps are compatible with your router and you can switch off the WiFi to specific devices. We did this when our children were younger so they couldn’t game after a certain time. Collect his phone at a certain time too. It can charge overnight downstairs or in your room.

I know what you’re saying about letting the school phone you, but does your SS have a Mum? Surely she and his Dad can be the school contacts, rather than you. They both presumably have parental responsibility and they need to step up.

YourWildAmberSloth · 10/10/2025 18:41

FlorenceAtFour · 10/10/2025 18:09

Thanks everyone I know it sounds like partner is useless but he’s really not he’s just completely run out of ideas with it all. He’s tried being strict and he’s tried being kind but nothing makes a difference anymore and I think he’s just given up a bit. It’s not that he doesn’t care he just doesn’t know what to do next and says there’s no point arguing every morning because it just turns into a fight. I think he’s embarrassed too because he feels like he’s failed as a dad.

I probably should of said he’s not even in normal school anymore he’s at a PRU and they have been really good with him but even they can’t get him to come in lately. They send a taxi and he just won’t go. They’ve said he can do a reduced timetable but he still won’t get up. I feel like everyone’s looking at me like I should be sorting it but I’m not his mum and I can’t drag him out of bed.

I know people are saying take my number off the school list but that feels wrong because someone has to talk to them and partner’s at work all day and can’t answer his phone when he’s under a boiler or whatever. I don’t mind taking calls but I just don’t know what to tell them anymore. I do think he needs more help but CAMHS are dragging their feet and the school said they can’t force him to come in.

I don’t want to split up or anything I love my partner but it’s really hard when it feels like we’re stuck in a loop. He’s a good man and works hard but he just doesn’t handle this stuff the same way I do. I just wish someone could tell us what to do next because it feels like we’ve tried everything and nothing works.

I'm sorry OP but he really is. You are determined to make excuses and carry on as you are - the people I feel sorry for are your younger DC, they are stuck in the middle of this mess.

Linenpickle · 10/10/2025 18:43

Your partner is a shit dad. Your step son is going to be a loser.

LooseCanyon · 10/10/2025 18:44

Wifi goes off at 12am.

ERthree · 10/10/2025 18:46

Another bloke that was on the look out for a childminder and a bedroom for his son. Put the pair of them out.

BlueandPinkSwan · 10/10/2025 18:50

I don't know about getting rid of the wifi, I'd be getting rid of the utter twat of a partner and his pita son. For my sanity and putting MY kid and their welfare first.
He is a massively shit 'father'.

DoOneBetty · 10/10/2025 18:50

We have a router which we can see individual devices on so you can cut off the devices you want. For you that should include your partner because then maybe he will do something about his child. He is failing him. This is not a good Dad.

WildCats24 · 10/10/2025 18:51

So you saw what a shit father he was, and yet you still chose him to be the father of your own children? SMH

If he doesn’t buck his ideas up and start PARENTING, you’ll end up with an unemployed 30 year-old with zero qualifications, who lazes about your house all day, and games all night. We’ve seen this scenario many times on MN.

Daleksatemyshed · 10/10/2025 18:51

monty2020 · 10/10/2025 18:09

Wow, I posted something also identical a few weeks back except my stepson is an adult who had failed two different uni courses . We went on holiday he promised he would walk our dogs and found out he had left them in all week . He ran back to mummy when I got home from holiday as his dad and me were so angry about it , now started a third unusual course as a last resort . He won’t change but he’s not coming back here to live, no interests except gaming and drinking all night . No sign of any job after three months of me nagging him and his dad.

Op, unless your DP gets his act together then @monty2020 post is exactly what's going to happen in your house. It's very sad for your DSS that his DM doesn't bother with him and of course that's having a bad effect on his behaviour, but his DF can't say he feels a failure and do nothing, can he not see that his son is in dire need of some help? At 14 his son can't see past his hurt and the magic allure of the game system but the adults need to do better- your younger DC are watching Op and they're learning a very bad lesson that you can do as you like and there's no comeback

Rosscameasdoody · 10/10/2025 18:53

bestbefore · 10/10/2025 18:15

The son sounds really sad. Why is he like that? He’s only 14. It’s no life for him and I would be worried about what he’s getting into

That’s not OP’s problem to sort out. Her partner is leaving the parenting to her and it’s not on.

BlueandPinkSwan · 10/10/2025 18:54

If you are determined to stay with him, why ask MN for advice? It's pretty clear what the response is so if you won't boot you can't really complain because your partner doesn't care enough to change. He and his kid have got a roof over their heads. They don't appear to give a shit about you or anyone else.
FFS - Raise the bar and do something about it.

Lucyccfc68 · 10/10/2025 18:54

Nothing is going to change whilst you continue to make excuses for the stepson and his useless Dad.

I’d be sitting down with your DH and coming up with a plan and if he doesn’t agree to it, then he needs to leave and take the 14 year old with him.

Wifi off at 10pm every night.
Remove the games console and he gets it back for 2 hours a night, if he goes to school.
Stop paying for his phone contract. If he goes to school every day and cleans his room on a Friday, he gets £10 credit for his phone.

So what if he kicks off! You remove yourself and the younger ones to another room and DH deals with him.

You both need to be on the same page and stick to a plan and see it through. If you don’t, there is not much point posting on here, if you are not willing to get tough (with DH and the stepson).

You can do this. Not just for yourself, but for the younger siblings.

independentfriend · 10/10/2025 18:55

CAMHS.

Something's happened to this child and he needs help.

The PRU can probably refer. If not then GP can.

Worth all of you meeting with the PRU - is it an ok place for him? Does he need an EHC Needs Assessment with a view to an EHCP? An EHCP can continue until 25 so there is time to obtain one and have support in place.

Consider what arrangements can be made for contact with his mum / his mum's relatives. He may be in direct contact with her unknown to you. Could she be being nasty to him? Is he likely to be feeling rejected by her / grandparents etc?

Then I'd focus on the impact on others - he can be awake all night if he wants but he can't keep everybody else awake. If the rest of you are getting more sleep you'll find it easier to manage.

If he can't sleep that's something his GP can help with.

I wouldn't remove his property. He isn't a young child and you're not his mum. Adjusting your router settings is different and you could if all else fails.

Would he be interested in a paper round? Or other paid job? Worth a try as a different thing to school.