Stepson refusing to get out of bed again and i just cant anymore

[FlorenceAtFour]

Hi i dont even know what im asking really just need a handhold 😭
He’s not been into school all week just stays in bed gaming all night then sleeps half the day and partner says just leave him but i cant because its me sat here every morning trying to get him up while partner’s off to work. He just blanks me like im not even there.

Ive tried everything nice and not so nice i’ve shouted i’ve begged i’ve tried making breakfast and being calm but he just rolls over. School keep ringing me and i dont even know what to say anymore because i can’t make him go. Partner says its not my problem but it is though because he lives here and it’s affecting everyone.

The little ones are shattered because he’s up half the night banging about and shouting on that game. I’m running on no sleep and feel like i’m losing it a bit. I know he’s been through stuff before he came here and i do feel for him but i can’t keep doing this every morning on my own. Partner says i’m too soft but i just feel stuck.

Probly gonna get told to let his mum deal but she doesnt even text anymore 🤷‍♀️
I just dont know what else to do x

Im sorry you're having a shit time.
DSS sounds unhappy too.
I wish there was a magic wand, school refusing is very difficult.
I would at least try and agree with your partner on a strategy. You can't begin to try and help this young man if his mum doesn't text, his dad's given up and you, rightly, are struggling.

Routine is needed for most kids to function, even if they push back.

Please don't put all your eggs in CAMHS basket, you could be disappointed.

Yes! The lazy fucker leaving you to do it!!! No more!!! Or, just tell him to be quiet at night and he can carry on!🙆Not your circus not your monkey! Don't do anythinh for him - no brekkie, no washing, no nothing

Sounds like a case of like father like son.
Nagging?
What century are we in. Get yourself out of there or them out depending who has the rights to the property.
They are draining your life

Tell the school you are not his parent and give them your partners’ contact number. Not your circus, not your monkeys beyond telling your partner that this is a deal breaker if he doesn’t get off his arse and start parenting. A jug full of cold water poured over him each morning might motivate him to get out of bed, and then leave the wet bedding to either stepson or his dad to sort.

know it sounds like partner is useless but he’s really not

You mean the man that won't even try turning the wifi off? You're being taken advantage of massively by this prick and you're defending him!!

How right you are, you are indeed stuck in someone else's mess, this lad has 2 parents, neither of which is you. Your Dh and his ex need to step up and be responsible, tell your Dh to leave and take his son with him until such time this problem is sorted, because this is affecting your little ones. This lad needs help to sort his life out, but that's not your responsibility either, protect yourself and your children

I had similar with my step daughter. I just stopped chasing her tbh. If she was late/ didn’t go in she had to face the consequences. I just couldn’t deal with the stress of a morning. Partner was at work, but would call her constantly to wake her up and when she stopped answering he would call me.

You must have younger DC together or he wouldn't be living with you in the first place. Don't know what to suggest apart from refuse to cook or wash stepson's clothes, it's his dad's responsibility.

Your dp will end up in court, potentially with a prison sentence. Certainly as a minimum a large fine. Give your dp’s number to the school or stop answering. Start some painful consequences for night time noise. Or set up a space away from the bedrooms. Embrace him as he is, be kind and understanding. It sounds to me like he is in immense pain and using gaming as distraction to tune out of real life.

Whst happened to his mother? Can you contact her?

Get your own place and leave them to it. Move on with your life.

Your DH is choosing a quiet life and the Internet over parenting his own kid. The Internet needs to go off at 9 pm. He needs to take the phone off of DSS at night time. Its not healthy for him to be on screens all the time. Is your partner monitoring what he's watching? I bet he's not. You need to take your name off the school contact list. You aren't his parent. You have no authority. Your partner isn't taking the responsibility that he should. Frankly, if your partner was inconvenienced more he might care about his son getting his arse out of bed in the morning.

If it was my kid, he wouldn't have any devices. I'd make home so boring for him that he'd beg me to go to school.

You don't say why your SS is at a PRU.

It sounds like there's a lot going on and, actually, his school placement should do more than 'send a taxi'. What are his identified needs? What are they doing to meet these needs? They should also be supporting you.

I’m sorry op but until you wake up and realise where the actual problem is, that’s your partners laziness of leaving the hard parenting to you, (ie a clear indication that he doesn’t care about you at all, because he’d rather you were exhausted than have conflict with his son), then no one can help you.

Thanks for the replies I know you’re all trying to help it just feels so complicated I don’t even know where to start half the time. He’s been like this on and off for a while but it got really bad when his mum’s new partner moved in about two years ago. From what I’ve been told there was loads of arguing and he didn’t get on with the new bloke at all. Then there was some big incident where he smashed a window and the police were called and that’s when he came to live here. The idea was it would just be for a bit while things calmed down but he’s never gone back.

I’ve known him since he was about six so eight years now and he used to be such a lovely kid he’d always be talking and making jokes and wanted to help partner with stuff in the shed but now he’s just completely shut down. He doesn’t really have friends anymore not in real life anyway just people he games with and I don’t even know who half of them are. I do worry about what he’s looking at online but if I try to check his phone he goes mad.

His mum still posts happy family pictures on Facebook with her new bloke and their baby but she doesn’t even message to ask how her son is. Partner has tried a few times but she just says he’s better off with us and then blocks him again. I think that’s part of why partner has kind of shut off with it all because it hurts him and he doesn’t want to admit it.

The PRU have said they’re doing everything they can but he just won’t engage. He’s meant to have a key worker but they’ve been off sick for weeks and now it’s like he’s fallen off their radar. We did have Early Help before but that closed ages ago because things were “stable.”

I know he’s not my responsibility really but I can’t just switch it off because I do care about him. He’s a good kid underneath all the anger and attitude I just think he’s lost and doesn’t know where he fits anymore. I just wish his mum would step up a bit or at least message sometimes because he does still talk about her even though he pretends he doesn’t care.

I have a teenager who has struggled and not conformed to the norm. Dealing with her (and I will happily say we’re out of it now and she’s wonderful at 17) at 14 and 15 was the hardest thing I have ever done. I would be literally giggling at work with how much easier it was and I was getting paid for the easiest part of my life.

your ‘partner’ is leaving what would absolutely be the hardest part of his life, to you, his supposed love, and it’s not even your child.

wake up.

It's interesting that you can (rightly) criticise his mum, but make excuses for his dad. He isn't doing any more than she is.

Tell dad you want to move out and take little ones for their own wellbeing

Why are school calling you, call them and tell them they need to contact his dad.

Then withdraw all privileges, treats, internet, washing, ironing, lifts and money.

Tell him when he does as he's told, he can have it all back.

The worst part of these stories is always a second set of children who binds the OPs to these awful situations.

*Parents break up
*Both sets of parents proceed to mess up the children
*Both sets of parents can think only about THEIR happiness, so they quickly attach themselves to new partners
*Both sets of parents feel compelled to gift their new partners with brand new children
*We still have the fucked up children to sort out, but the adults' lives must go on
*Now we have some new children whose lives are being thoroughly impeded by the troubled older children
*Troubled older children's lives are now thoroughly upended, so they start moving between homes
*Parents are now thoroughly distracted by new children/must work hard to maintain new families/no longer have the will or resources to fix the children they've broken
*Older children still left adrift, with one or more woman trying to fix them
*Stepmom is now exhausted from the lack of support from father, but can't leave because, hey, we now have 'shared children '
*Shared children now have to live in dysfunction and sometimes anger/violence
*Older children, newer children- all fucked because of poor parental choices/behaviours

God help us 🤦🏾‍♀️!

Are you and your partner married, is the poor boy your stepson or your partners son who lives with you, do you have any pr for him. He's been pushed out his mums house, got tied up in family breakdowns, doesn't do anything and has a dad who has given up. How old are your children, is your partner their dad.

I’d remove the router at night, Infact all the time he’s not attending school and ignore calls from school and leave them to call his Dad.
we removed the router at BM house with consent from her and it stayed locked in our garage until sd changed

If DS enjoys gaming, has a gaming alternative provision been considered instead of the PRU? There are lots around now. Some online, some in person. Does DS have any other interests? This is often the way in.

I second requesting an EHCNA.

Poor kid. Both parents are absolutely useless then.
op, you sound lovely, but you’re being taken for a fool. He saw you coming im afraid.
I hope for yours and your childrens sake you leave this relationship asap.

Can I just say the love and goodness shines out of you. I read a post earlier where I felt so sorry for the step son because the poster just didn’t seem to care about him at all.

the opposite is clearly true here. I don’t have any advice but I really hope that your step son one day realises how very lucky he is to have you.

I take it your local authority don't take parents to court for their kids not attending school?