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Teenagers

Parenting teenagers has its ups and downs. Get advice from Mumsnetters here.

Original poster

Overheard ds's inappropriate conversation with friend

380 replies

blubberball · 02/10/2025 04:46

DS is 14 and neuro divergent. He's quite immature for his age, and is like a younger child in his manner. I usually hear him talk to his friend about games, but last night I overheard him say to his friend on the phone "How many times did your dick go hard whilst you were talking to her?" I was a bit shocked to hear him talking to his friend like that, so I told him to say bye to his friend. It was time for his screens to go off any way, and I take his technology every night and lock it away. He seemed a bit mortified that I'd heard him say that, and cleaned his teeth and went straight to bed. He usually faffs around for an hour after screens off. I told him not to ask his friend that. A little while later, I went into his room to talk about misogyny. He didn't know what it was. I told him it's treating women and girls badly, and I said that girls aren't objects. He was embarrassed and just wanted to go to sleep. He was turned away and didn't want to talk. I thought it was important to say something.

Is this just a normal thing for teenage boys to say to their mates? I don't want him to feel shame about normal feelings of being attracted to the opposite sex, and erections. But I also want to protect girls from this attitude from boys. How do I manage this going forward? I'm planning on having more little conversations about misogyny now and then. Does anyone please have any experience with this?

OP posts:
CeciliaMars · 02/10/2025 06:32

I think you did the right thing, well done. Watch Adolescence with him and have regular conversations. He’s at a very vulnerable age.

dairydebris · 02/10/2025 06:41

I dont understand why what he did was wrong in any way at all?
Getting an erection while talking to girls isnt wrong. He cant stop it in any case. Its nothing to be ashamed of. Normal and natural.
Has he got a Dad around at all?
You definitely need to be talking to him about elections, orgasms, babies, respect, how to talk to girls, consent, what to do if you have an erection while talking to a girl, what not to do etc.
But I'm worried you've made him think having an erection is misogynistic or disrespectful? What an unhealthy message to send. He just needs to know what to do when that happens. If he thinks it's wrong to have an erection its a logical step to either guilt for himself or anger towards the girls for causing the bad thing to happen.

JustGoClickLikeALightSwitch · 02/10/2025 06:46

Like PP I’m not sure I understand the connection between what he said and misogyny, unless there was something in his tone or the wider context which is missing here.

Tunacheesequesadilla · 02/10/2025 06:47

dairydebris · 02/10/2025 06:41

I dont understand why what he did was wrong in any way at all?
Getting an erection while talking to girls isnt wrong. He cant stop it in any case. Its nothing to be ashamed of. Normal and natural.
Has he got a Dad around at all?
You definitely need to be talking to him about elections, orgasms, babies, respect, how to talk to girls, consent, what to do if you have an erection while talking to a girl, what not to do etc.
But I'm worried you've made him think having an erection is misogynistic or disrespectful? What an unhealthy message to send. He just needs to know what to do when that happens. If he thinks it's wrong to have an erection its a logical step to either guilt for himself or anger towards the girls for causing the bad thing to happen.

I think the issue is the laddy banter, rather than the fact that boys get erections.

dairydebris · 02/10/2025 06:50

Tunacheesequesadilla · 02/10/2025 06:47

I think the issue is the laddy banter, rather than the fact that boys get erections.

Show quote history

I still dont see any problem.with it?
He has got an erection while talking to a girl. Or he's worried he'll get one. He's asking his friend about it. Perhaps because he feels he cant ask his parents.
Erections are allowed and boys are allowed to talk about it?

Littletreefrog · 02/10/2025 06:51

It is important boys learn about misogyny but talking about erections at 14 isn't really misogyny and is pretty normal teen talk (actually usually a little younger than 14).

Tunacheesequesadilla · 02/10/2025 06:57

dairydebris · 02/10/2025 06:50

I still dont see any problem.with it?
He has got an erection while talking to a girl. Or he's worried he'll get one. He's asking his friend about it. Perhaps because he feels he cant ask his parents.
Erections are allowed and boys are allowed to talk about it?

Show quote history

It's not him with the erection though. He's asking his friend if he has an erection, it's generally not appropriate to ask about your friends genitals.

DeafLeppard · 02/10/2025 06:58

Yeah I think you overreacted here. I don’t think that was misogynistic or inappropriate.

GloryFades · 02/10/2025 07:00

Tunacheesequesadilla · 02/10/2025 06:57

It's not him with the erection though. He's asking his friend if he has an erection, it's generally not appropriate to ask about your friends genitals.

Show quote history

Surely that depends on your friendship? I’ve talked to many of my friends about private matters, pre and post childbirth. It’s not really taboo… we all have them…

WottaRacket · 02/10/2025 07:00

it's never, ever appropritate to ask a friend about their genitals.

Everyone who is saying they don't see an issue just imagine you have some of your female friends round for a coffee. And you ask them about their genitals. something like "so did you get really wet when you were talking to your husband earlier?

It's not ok. It's not the social norm and we have to guide our children on how society expects us to behave!!

Threadcounting · 02/10/2025 07:01

I really wouldn’t have seen anything wrong in that. I think expecting boys not to discuss their sexual feelings/physical reactions around girls they are attracted to is heaping on shame about what is normal and healthy.

That wasn’t misogynistic. If they had said you make my dick go hard to the girl then absolutely have a reminder about respect and objectification full guns blazing.

But boys chatting together about fancying a girl and erections- normal and healthy I’d say.

MushMonster · 02/10/2025 07:02

For what you have typed here, misogyny is not a word that would come to mind. Maybe we are missing some context.
How he behaves around the girl while talking to her is the important matter. His body will react like so and that is completely normal. Now, he cannot be inappropriate with her because of this.
I do not see anything wrong with him talking to his friend. I would send his father to have a chat with him. From my experience, men are fascinated by dicks their whole life. And them talking about the physical part of it does not sound different to me that us talking about periods, pregnancy and general women health, to be honest. But being a young teen, he needs some guidance of what not to do socially about it.

Tunacheesequesadilla · 02/10/2025 07:02

GloryFades · 02/10/2025 07:00

Surely that depends on your friendship? I’ve talked to many of my friends about private matters, pre and post childbirth. It’s not really taboo… we all have them…

Show quote history

That's obviously very different to a child asking another child how many times their dick got hard when talking to a girl.

dairydebris · 02/10/2025 07:06

Tunacheesequesadilla · 02/10/2025 06:57

It's not him with the erection though. He's asking his friend if he has an erection, it's generally not appropriate to ask about your friends genitals.

Show quote history

OK, maybe, maybe not. Boys talk about their genitals all the time though. It wasn't misogynistic though was it?
The other boy may well have first said, my dick got hard talking to her. And the OP's boy asked more about that.
This was an opportunity to talk about these things, not make him feel like he's done something wrong by being curious about erections. My 11 yo has asked way ruder questions... they are curious. They need to be spoken to respectfully and calmly not made to feel guilty before they understand what is OK and what isnt.

WallTree · 02/10/2025 07:10

I don't see how this is misogyny at all. It's totally OK to fancy girls and get a hard on and talk about these things with your friends (me and my friends talked about how horny we felt around different boys all the time when we were teenagers). You have shamed him over something totally normal, you need to rethink this.

Tunacheesequesadilla · 02/10/2025 07:10

dairydebris · 02/10/2025 07:06

OK, maybe, maybe not. Boys talk about their genitals all the time though. It wasn't misogynistic though was it?
The other boy may well have first said, my dick got hard talking to her. And the OP's boy asked more about that.
This was an opportunity to talk about these things, not make him feel like he's done something wrong by being curious about erections. My 11 yo has asked way ruder questions... they are curious. They need to be spoken to respectfully and calmly not made to feel guilty before they understand what is OK and what isnt.

Show quote history

You're right, it does depend on the context of the conversation, which we don't know. I think it has the potential to be misogynistic or inappropriate or completely innocent.

To me it sounds like laddy banter, which I'm not a fan of, but it's impossible to know.

soupyspoon · 02/10/2025 07:12

I'll remember this next time I see the dreadful phrase fanny gallops touted by posters in relation to some gorgeous man.

Its a fairly normal part of teens talking to each other about who they fancy and what happened. You have made him feel shameful and odd and wrong about fairly bog standard chat between friends.

If the friend was upset of course thats a different matter, he might not want to be asked that or be embarrassed. The conversation you should or could have had was along those lines, about not asking personal questions unless someone volunteers that information

But its not misogyny and treating women as objects at all and now you will have confused him.

WallTree · 02/10/2025 07:13

WottaRacket · 02/10/2025 07:00

it's never, ever appropritate to ask a friend about their genitals.

Everyone who is saying they don't see an issue just imagine you have some of your female friends round for a coffee. And you ask them about their genitals. something like "so did you get really wet when you were talking to your husband earlier?

It's not ok. It's not the social norm and we have to guide our children on how society expects us to behave!!

Me and my friends occasionally talk about who makes us feel horny, it's not really that unusual.

WallTree · 02/10/2025 07:15

Tunacheesequesadilla · 02/10/2025 07:02

That's obviously very different to a child asking another child how many times their dick got hard when talking to a girl.

Show quote history

Why is it different? Erections are healthy. Talking about things with your friends is healthy. There is no special shame about penises or vaginas.

LittleYellowQueen · 02/10/2025 07:16

Well done, you've shamed and punished him for talking privately about a perfectly normal bodily function. It's normal for boys to be attracted to girls and they can't help when they get an erection. How is it misogynistic to get an erection when talking to a girl you fancy?

Sounds like he's got no option but to talk to his mates when his mum has this much of a chip on her shoulder about his normal bodily functions.

LondonLady1980 · 02/10/2025 07:17

How is this misogynistic?

If you felt uncomfortable by what your son said, then the topic for conversation was, “What kind of questions aren’t appropriate to ask your friends.”

Two teenage lads discussing getting erections when talking to girls they fancy (which is completely normal), is not misogynistic.

LottieMary · 02/10/2025 07:18

Interesting range of views. I think right to speak to him and I’m guessing it’s the tone and poss the language that made it sound misogynistic. There’s also conversations to have around privacy - being aware of who else can hear your conversations - and the ways to not have a conversation like this of it makes him feel uncomfortable.

of course people can talk about elections, sexuality etc, but being careful who your friends are for these is also something teens never mind ones with asd find tricky to navigate

LessOfThis · 02/10/2025 07:19

It’s not respectful of the girl they’re talking about, so yes to me it sounds misogynistic. This kind of shite is the thin end of the wedge when it comes to dehumanising women and girls. I think you did the right thing. The world would be a much better place without “laddy banter.”

MN was a bit weird over last night.

PineConesAndBerries · 02/10/2025 07:19

Threadcounting · 02/10/2025 07:01

I really wouldn’t have seen anything wrong in that. I think expecting boys not to discuss their sexual feelings/physical reactions around girls they are attracted to is heaping on shame about what is normal and healthy.

That wasn’t misogynistic. If they had said you make my dick go hard to the girl then absolutely have a reminder about respect and objectification full guns blazing.

But boys chatting together about fancying a girl and erections- normal and healthy I’d say.

I agree

PrizedPickledPopcorn · 02/10/2025 07:21

Unlike most of the PPs, I’d agree that talking about women and girls as objects that turn you on is disrespectful.

It’s like a particularly crude way of scoring a girl points out of ten.