Overheard ds's inappropriate conversation with friend

[blubberball]

DS is 14 and neuro divergent. He's quite immature for his age, and is like a younger child in his manner. I usually hear him talk to his friend about games, but last night I overheard him say to his friend on the phone "How many times did your dick go hard whilst you were talking to her?" I was a bit shocked to hear him talking to his friend like that, so I told him to say bye to his friend. It was time for his screens to go off any way, and I take his technology every night and lock it away. He seemed a bit mortified that I'd heard him say that, and cleaned his teeth and went straight to bed. He usually faffs around for an hour after screens off. I told him not to ask his friend that. A little while later, I went into his room to talk about misogyny. He didn't know what it was. I told him it's treating women and girls badly, and I said that girls aren't objects. He was embarrassed and just wanted to go to sleep. He was turned away and didn't want to talk. I thought it was important to say something.

Is this just a normal thing for teenage boys to say to their mates? I don't want him to feel shame about normal feelings of being attracted to the opposite sex, and erections. But I also want to protect girls from this attitude from boys. How do I manage this going forward? I'm planning on having more little conversations about misogyny now and then. Does anyone please have any experience with this?

We're under paediatric consultant and paediatric gastroenterology yes. But in all honesty, not much help day to day. Just delayed and overdue appointments I have to constantly chase up to be told he's on the waiting list

Huge overreaction, he’s a teenage boy. I had far worse conversations with my teenage friends.

Kindly, you appear a little clueless about how young teenage boys behave.
If his incontinence is behavioural that sounds like he has some issues and I can understand how you are maybe keen to 'protect him' as in some ways he's still behaving like a young child.
But he's not- he's a horny teen with sexual thoughts.

Don't listen in to his chats with friends. Just focus on a more rounded approach to how to treat women.

Do people really not talk to their friends about their genitals?? Women are some of the worst culprits for this. I've heard all about people's shaving preferences and sex lives in great depth over the years.

Is this not the equivalent of 'does he gives you fanny flutters?'. I'm a woman, but fully remember being a teenager. People don't like to talk about it as adults as we obviously see teens as children, but very sexually graphic chat was commonplace amongst teens in the 90's when I grew up, and it will be commonplace now. You are full of hormones. And ofc you'd talk about it to your mates rather than your mum. Erections are normal, and teenage boys are going to chat about them. Teenagers are crude. It doesn't mean he'll grow up to be a misogynist. Chatting about sexism is fine and ofc something you should do, but I think it was poorly timed after overheating a private conversation between friends right before bed.

I feel sorry for him too. I feel a bit more sorry for the poor young girl they were talking about

Lots of posters suggesting this is “normal” teenage boy talk. But isn’t that the issue? We need our boys to be elevated out of what has been normal (and has resulted in #metoo and all the rest of it) and into a respectful relationship with and understanding of women. Our boys are the future and we need to raise them to be better than what has gone before.

I’m all for chatting about bodily functions, but I agree with OP that this conversation sounded just a bit weird. OP was right to interrupt and I think it’d be good to keep talking about healthy sexuality. There is no shame in sexual urges etc but there does need to be respect, and what might that look like? What are some ways we show respect when talking about sexuality? Etc etc

I agree.

It seems more like a counselling /psychology expert you need if they have ruled out anything physical.
He's wetting and soiling himself by choice. Someone needs to ask him why and it's therapy he needs.

Same here, I think a lot of posters (not just this thread) think the world was invented yesterday
Girls and boys have been having these sorts of conversations since day dot. Its not new and wont change. Its not inappropriate either (I hate that word applied to everyhing that makes someone feel uncomfortable)

I think all that was achieved here was you embarrassed and shamed your son and gave him the message that he shouldn't talk about sexuality. And especially to not talk about sexuality with you - clearly that's not a good thing. We need our kids to feel safe talking about sex with us so we can advise and protect them and pass on sensible values.

What he said was not misogynistic. The object they were discussing was the other boy's penis, not the girl.

Is it appropriate for two 14 year old boys to be discussing how penises respond to sexual or romantic attraction to another person? I don't see why not. It's a normal body function. We want men to be better at talking about their feelings don't we? Was the language crude? Yes. But do you really expect two 14 year old's to be having a conversation around their sexuality using language appropriate for their grandmother?

The actual content of what you heard was one friend asking the other how much he fancies a girl. Nothing misogynistic or worrying there. Just one four letter word that might offend very tender ears

You mentioned that your son is neurodivise - do you think you might be viewing him as younger than he actually is because of this?

My advice would be to apologise to him for over reacting and to learn not to (accidentally? ) evesdrop

This thread is an eye opener.

Have these posters got teens?

This is normal behaviour.

Thanks. He has therapy as well

Mum of daughters & grateful you addressed it. I think you did the right thing!

Nothing happened to her. It's really unhelpful to conflate "men being attracted to you" into victimhood.

Why?

So you think boys should not talk about their sexual feelings to their friends?
Shame on you. All that will do is drive them to Andrew Tate and similar.

I feel sorry for her because she's been reduced to how many times she makes a boy's dick hard when he's speaking to her

Well dont. No harm has come to her and this is normal, if a bit distasteful to us as adults, chatter. Can guarantee you the opposite of this conversation at this age will be along the lines of "i swear i could see his hard on Sarah <giggle>"

Its how they learn how they feel about things, emotions, right and wrong. Somethings they should be left to navigate themselves (to a point) so they learn naturally, so more effectively and meaningful, rather than be ordered to navigate them in a certain way.

Separately but poss connected if you saw it, I think that Adolescence series was great but its made some parents too concerned over normal, natural, developmental behaviour IMO thats nothing to do with what that series was aimed at.

You know it isn't uncommon for these incel culture guys to have issues sustaining an erection in healthy situations but can only do it when they don't respect the woman or man (at times) involved.

Maybe this is because they are fed the message that if they love and respect a woman, they shouldn't also lust after her.

The poor boy you’ve told
him off about erections.

Shame on me, what an over reaction. Also you’re completely exaggerating what I said, which is I think that the OP handled it well. I haven’t read all the updates but from the OP, she saw an in to discuss an important topic with her son. But would I be comfortable with over hearing boys talking in such a vulgar way about my daughter? Absolutely not, shocking if you think young girls should be objectified in this way.

Completely this. At 14, really. The just wasn’t the case when I was growing up.

I didn't actually tell him off about erections. I told him to say bye to his friend and not to ask his friend that. I was alarmed at the time.

But it's not about HER.
It's about whether the boy felt aroused having a conversation with a girl.
Boys (and girls) explore their sexuality at 14. This might include talking about their bodily reactions.

Honestly, if you'd heard him talking about how he'd had sex with a girl and she might be pregnant, you'd have cause to worry.
get some perspective.

Were you never aware of this when you were a teen? Did you never see graffiti on school desks? Or overhear conversations between groups of lads and girls?

If not, you've led a very sheltered life.

No she hasnt at all!!!

He was simply asking his mate if he fancied her and whether he had a reaction to that. In his 14 year old ND way. Thats how he expressed it

Its like sex is a shock to a lot of posters on here (again not just this thread), in normal life, its universal, world wide, that people find each other attractive, rate them if not overtly then completely within their choice making about a partner or spouse and some of that will be about physical attractiveness.

How many threads are there on here about men with no teeth or tatoos, men with poor physical hygiene, men who have put on weight and are no longer attractive, men who dont have much earning power, the list is endless. Reducing someone to their appearance, earning power etc

Its normal, its life, its how we engage with other humans. And kids are just learning to do that and will have conversations about it.