Overheard ds's inappropriate conversation with friend

[blubberball]

DS is 14 and neuro divergent. He's quite immature for his age, and is like a younger child in his manner. I usually hear him talk to his friend about games, but last night I overheard him say to his friend on the phone "How many times did your dick go hard whilst you were talking to her?" I was a bit shocked to hear him talking to his friend like that, so I told him to say bye to his friend. It was time for his screens to go off any way, and I take his technology every night and lock it away. He seemed a bit mortified that I'd heard him say that, and cleaned his teeth and went straight to bed. He usually faffs around for an hour after screens off. I told him not to ask his friend that. A little while later, I went into his room to talk about misogyny. He didn't know what it was. I told him it's treating women and girls badly, and I said that girls aren't objects. He was embarrassed and just wanted to go to sleep. He was turned away and didn't want to talk. I thought it was important to say something.

Is this just a normal thing for teenage boys to say to their mates? I don't want him to feel shame about normal feelings of being attracted to the opposite sex, and erections. But I also want to protect girls from this attitude from boys. How do I manage this going forward? I'm planning on having more little conversations about misogyny now and then. Does anyone please have any experience with this?

I wouldn't be surprised if my dd was talked about like that, but I would be surprised and angry if they said something actually objectifying and disrespectful.

OP, just read your latest post. I'm really sorry that that has happened to you. I'm not surprised you approach this the way you did. If you don't have a role model who could chat to him, there are loads of really great books like the one suggested above (and probably videos? but I don't know any)

It's not as simple as that. That kind of feminism is just going to end up excluding your son from the conversation and demonizing his gender. Boys have so much potential and being made to feel bad for being a boy is the worst.

Thanks. I ordered the book

I remember watching a clip of love island a few years ago and one of the women was talking about a man on there giving him "fanny flutters" it's not something I would say but totally normal and no one saw anything wrong in that

Love Island is not the role model you’d really want your young teens though, is it? The contestants are encouraged by producers to be as controversial and sexual as possible. It’s all to market the product as sex sells but it’s not normal, healthy relationship dynamics being role modelled.

All these posters are really saying they’re perfectly absolutely fine with 14 year olds talking about getting hard or getting wet when talking to a boy or girl? Christ. This is what the pornification of society is doing. And it is doing no favours to our young teens.

@DrBlackbird yes it's fine 14 year olds talking about getting hard or getting wet when talking to a boy or girl, because that's what happens! It's reality, so we talk about it.

Some kids go through puberty later though, and it can't be easy for them to hear all that when it hasn't happened to them yet. But harder still to be the ones whose bodies are doing all this, and no one is talking about it and supporting them with it, and they worry something is wrong with them or feel ashamed.

It would be pretty weird if teenage boys couldn’t talk to each other about erections. A bit like teenage girls not talking about periods. Obviously, not everyone will want to talk about this kind of stuff but completely normal if they do want to.

remember that there is porn, but there is also sex! sex is not porn. porn is not sex. sex is a good thing...

Oh come on. You're living in some parallel universe if you can't accept boys talk about girls (and girls talk about boys.)

Did you and your mates never talk about which boys you fancied and even give then a score out of 10?

It's possible you know to have this light hearted banter and still have respectful relationships with the opposite sex.

Agree with this.
you need to talk to him about erections and intimacy and consent and all the topics around those really. Have you spoken to him much about these things??? I get the impression no - now is the time. Is dad there??? He might be less embarrassed talking to his dad about erections and male bodily function but those chats need to happen; I’d say 14 is the right age- don’t wait. X

Imo, periods is not the equivalent here.

Very tricky situation @blubberball I sympathise - I have a slightly younger boy and I think I'd have done exactly the same as you, and then wondered about it as you have; parenting is not easy sometimes, especially when you're on your own after abuse as we both are.

Can anyone recommend a book that I can give DS that talks about erections and why they happen/how to cope if you're with a girl/boy you fancy etc? He's had Kay's Anatomy and loved it, but now needs something a bit more detailed...and it's not something he's going to talk to his father about, it'll need to be me.

Yes, we have books about puberty and sex education. We have spoken about it many times. Also consent and respect. Even though he is 14, he behaves like a much younger child. I have to help him a lot with self care, as he soils himself and wets the bed.

I can't speak to his father as he was my abuser

All these posters are really saying they’re perfectly absolutely fine with 14 year olds talking about getting hard or getting wet when talking to a boy or girl? Christ. This is what the pornification of society is doing. And it is doing no favours to our young teens.

I'm old enough to remember that the only 'porn' available was on the top shelf of the newsagents and was called Playboy. Pictures of women with their clothes off.

Nothing online as the internet didn't exist.

But you know what- boys and girls still did talk about their sexual feelings and bodily reactions. Nothing to do with porn, just discussing puberty.

Completely agree with this post. I think you’ve massively overreacted here op

What is going on there with his bodily functions? You say he's neurodiverse, but how is that impacting on his toileting? Are you getting medical advice and support on this? Is he in mainstream school?

I agree your reaction to the conversation was wrong.
It's a normal part of growing up for boys to discuss getting hard.

You're risking pushing him away and making him feel ashamed that an erection is 'bad' or unhealthy, or that sharing thoughts with his mates is akin to porn.

My ds loved Kay's anatomy too. There are quite a few good books about growing up and changing bodies

@blubberball You are doing yourself a huge disservice, OP.

You are now effectively shutting down lines of communication with your son regarding sex and relationships risking a vacuum to be filled by his peers, social media and influencers.

He is a teenage boy. He is heterosexual. He fancies girls. His dick will get hard. He may express wanting to fuck a girl at some point. It sounds crass but you have to understand that this is the sort of language they may use to describe their desires and relationships, and focus on the substance not just the presentation.

You are his sole parental guardian so the job of "guiding confidant" falls on you. This will include talk about genitals, sexual health, and relationships.

If you can't handle that, Andrew Tate will. And then you'll have real problems.

He has a genetic condition which has impacted his development in many ways. I'm told that his toileting issues are behavioural, as it's been investigated many times and there's nothing physically going on

Show him the tea consent video on YouTube

Oh yes, we have watched the tea consent video.

So what help are you getting?

Is he not seeing a professional if he can't control his bodily functions?

Have you met any teenage boys!

I have disabilities myself. I'm not trying to shut him down, and I do accept that it's normal to fancy people and have erections. I was just alarmed to hear him say to his 13 year old friend How many times did your dick go hard whilst you were talking to her? Especially as I didn't know who he was speaking to initially

Im fairly attuned to "every day misogyny" but I also think youve overreacted a bit here op.

I dont think its outrageous either for boys or girls to talk about their genitals (some conversations anyway). We all did at that age, and me and my best pal often check if the other is starting to get grey pubes too and dryness etc. (Thanks, peri)

This all seems fairly normal chatter for that age. Feel a bit sorry for the kid tbh 😬