Overheard ds's inappropriate conversation with friend

[blubberball]

DS is 14 and neuro divergent. He's quite immature for his age, and is like a younger child in his manner. I usually hear him talk to his friend about games, but last night I overheard him say to his friend on the phone "How many times did your dick go hard whilst you were talking to her?" I was a bit shocked to hear him talking to his friend like that, so I told him to say bye to his friend. It was time for his screens to go off any way, and I take his technology every night and lock it away. He seemed a bit mortified that I'd heard him say that, and cleaned his teeth and went straight to bed. He usually faffs around for an hour after screens off. I told him not to ask his friend that. A little while later, I went into his room to talk about misogyny. He didn't know what it was. I told him it's treating women and girls badly, and I said that girls aren't objects. He was embarrassed and just wanted to go to sleep. He was turned away and didn't want to talk. I thought it was important to say something.

Is this just a normal thing for teenage boys to say to their mates? I don't want him to feel shame about normal feelings of being attracted to the opposite sex, and erections. But I also want to protect girls from this attitude from boys. How do I manage this going forward? I'm planning on having more little conversations about misogyny now and then. Does anyone please have any experience with this?

Would you guys really just allow this to carry on? I do feel bad and guilty now because of what some people have said here. I was just in shock. I didn't shout or have a go at him, I just told him to say bye, and don't ask your friend that. He went and cleaned his teeth, and I thought That was a bit misogynistic, and what do I do? I read online that you should talk to boys about misogyny. I've already spoken to him about sex education since he was younger. I feel like this should be an ongoing conversation, a little bit at a time. I was hoping that someone might have been through similar with their teenage boys, and how to handle it going forward. Sorry I can't change my initial reaction when I was a bit shocked to hear him talking like that to his 13 year old friend

Dunno cause it was shite!

I agree with this. It happens to teen boys. They should be allowed to discuss it, just as girl might discuss periods. It's a new, involuntary aspect of adolescence.

If he'd been saying something mean about a girl, that would be different.

It would be a total none issue in our house, but we talk openly about things like that anyway. Ds wouldn’t have felt that he had to hide the conversation at all. Only the other day, he was talking to me about how most of his friends get one when they are being taught by a certain teacher at their school, so they obviously discuss this type of thing freely

Do girls never discuss periods with their friends? Would you think it was wrong if you heard that happening? I really don’t see very much difference. Young teenagers of both sexes are learning to live with their developing bodies and it’s natural for friends to talk about such things. I don’t see any misogyny there.

Would you be happy for your dd to be discussed by teen boys in terms of how many times she made their dick hard whilst they were talking to her?

Fucking hell that poor teacher

I don't see what was misogynistic about it? Erections are a sexual function?

Bet he's absolutely mortified his mum said anything. Personally I'd have protected his privacy and not mentioned it.

I don't think periods is the equivalent here. Wouldn't that be asking "how many times did your fanny get wet talking to that boy?" Which no, I don't think is appropriate.

A lot of people here think differently though so maybe I am in the wrong with this view!

God, poor boy. He’s in puberty and getting used to his body changing and doing unexpected things (spontaneous erections). Of course it’s normal to talk to his friends about it. It’s not misogynistic to ask a friend about erections when talking to a girl.

I would get him some age-appropriate books about puberty, sex, masturbation, consent etc and just leave them in his room. At that age it can be cripplingly embarrassing to talk to your parents about such matters but he needs reassurance that what he’s experiencing is perfectly normal. Shame is not the answer (and I believe that shame is what drives a lot of the Andrew Tate-supporting males).

Yes it’s important to teach boys about misogyny (and they get a lot of that teaching in PSHE at school), but I don’t see what was misogynistic about what he said.

Boys are fascinated by their penises from an early age in my experience, and teen boys regularly talk about erections and masturbating, far more than girls do. Girls have conversations that are similar but different. I remember at that age we’d ask each other questions like “did he snog you and use his tongue”, and actually I do remember people saying they knew a boy liked them because “he got a hard-on during a slow dance”.

It’s teen talk. Cringey but normal in my experience. And really all he was asking was if his friend found this girl attractive, in a teenage way.

This

Plus shaming your children over small things will mean they don't feel able to open up to you about the big things.

Thanks. I got him books in his room years ago, and we have openly discussed sex education. I was just a bit alarmed I think.

I can't ask his dad to talk to him, because he was my abuser

If he's young for his age I would say it's just curiosity, maybe something he hasn't experienced yet, or if he has wondering how common it is and how his friends experience it. It sounds more like a physiological conversation rather than a sexual objectification of girls. By all means discuss, but I agree it's not something he can control easily so it's not in itself something to be told off about.

That would certainly be crude, and we might well think it was inappropriate (though it’s an interesting point as to why it seems more shocking and unlikely than talking about erections - just frequency or something more deep-seated about attitudes to female sexuality?) but it wouldn’t be misandry.

This. I think it was a step too far as he didn’t do anything disrespectful and he was obviously upset hence why he would not open up to you

What on earth did the poor boy do wrong? Do you seriously think that at 14 he’s not going to be getting erections and discussing this with his friends? He was talking about something that is completely natural and which will have been happening to him for ever Al years. Many young people are sexually active at that age, let alone just talking about having an erection, but instead of realising that this is perfectly normal, you’ve chosen to humiliate him just because you were listening in to his conversation on the phone?

I think a lot of female teachers are leaving the profession partly due to sexual harassment from teenage boys

I completely agree with this. He didn't say anything disrespectful about her and yes those are important confessions to be had.

Hold on was he talking about his friends reaction to his (as in your DS) girlfriend and how his friend liked his girlfriend rather than another girl?

because that is the bit you need to address because even though banter is part and parcel of teen life I think that does cross a line

Do you honestly believe your sons have never taken part in dick talk with their peers?

Massive over reaction. You've embarrassed him over a non-issue.

He didn't say talking to her made his dick hard though - he assumed this would be the case for his friend. Like he couldn't have a conversation with a girl without that happening.
I'd have another conversation with him OP, maybe reassure him a bit that you're not angry he's attracted to women, but felt he was crossing a boundary with his friend.
If he's ND, he will need some guidance in these areas.

Young girls might talk more about blushing or feeling hot or giddy talking to a boy they fancy, I don't think girls getting wet talking to a boy is such a common or obvious reaction as boys getting hard which is pretty universal and initially I would think a bit weird and surprising.

Just to be clear, I wasn't actively listening in to his conversation on the phone. I was approaching his bedroom door and overheard about 3 sentences and became alarmed that he was having a sexual conversation. I didn't even know who he was talking to initially, and was somewhat relieved that it was his peer and not a stranger.

I feel like we can't win as parents. Some say that you should monitor your child's phone use, and some have a go because parents are listening in.