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Teenagers

Parenting teenagers has its ups and downs. Get advice from Mumsnetters here.

Original poster

DD17 pregnant again and BF arrested last week

347 replies

TiredNanAgain · 17/09/2025 11:49

Hi all, new name but I’ve posted before about my DD17, her little boy who’s just turned 1 and her BF16 who is honestly causing me to tear my hair out.

It’s been a few months since I last posted so thought I’d do an update because so much has happened since then and I could really use some advice.

DD finally told him about the pregnancy in early July. I was really hoping he would take it well but he didn’t at all. He came over to ours when grandson was having his little birthday gathering with family and a few friends and they ended up arguing in the kitchen. I still don’t know what exactly about but he stormed off mid party and went outside, next thing we know he’s punched a wall down the road and broke his hand. So that kind of ruined the day for everyone as you can imagine.

He did calm down eventually and I think after a few weeks it started to sink in. He even stopped smoking weed for a short while after finding out about the pregnancy which gave me some hope. But sadly he’s back on it now, I can smell it on him again and it just makes me worry about what sort of example he’s setting.

GCSE results day was a bit of a disaster, he failed them all. DD tried to help him revise back in spring but honestly he didn’t listen and was on his phone half the time. He hasn’t gone on to do anything education wise since, says he doesn’t want to go to college and just wants to “work” but he doesn’t have a job and I still suspect he’s dealing but no proof. He gives DD money sometimes which she just says is his allowance from foster care but surely it wouldn’t be that much.

DD is back at college now and doing really well, she loves it. Her course has a work placement next year and she’s excited for that so I really don’t want her to give that up. She is about 18 weeks now and the bump is getting obvious.

Social services know about the pregnancy and have been quite supportive but said they will need to do another assessment once baby is here. His foster carer is trying her best, she’s honestly lovely and I do feel for her because she says he’s been so difficult lately and now with the pregnancy news he’s acting out even more.

The reason I’m posting really is because he was arrested last week. I don’t want to say too much but it was for fighting with another boy. He’s been given some kind of caution and they’re talking about maybe anger management sessions. I just feel like everything is spiralling again and I don’t know how to help DD without completely taking over.

She’s happy about the baby now, says she wants to keep it and that she loves him and he’s a good dad (I wouldn’t go that far). Grandson absolutely adores him and smiles at him whenever he’s around which I know makes DD happy. But I can’t shake the feeling that this is going to end in tears again.

I’m just rambling now but I feel so stuck. Do I step back completely and let her figure it out? Or do I keep trying to push her to see that this is not a stable situation for her and soon to be two children? I’m exhausted if I’m honest and don’t know if I’m making things worse by always being there to pick up the pieces.

OP posts:
romdowa · 17/09/2025 11:52

As the adult in the situation, you need to put the children's welfare first. It doesn't sound like your dd is anywhere near being able to manage to do that unfortunately, so it boils down to you.

KateMiskin · 17/09/2025 11:57

I remember your thread well.
I don't think you have any option now but to look after both children yourself.
You are unable to stand up to your DD or lay down any limits.

KateMiskin · 17/09/2025 12:02

And for god's sake get her better contraception.

pmtorpmdd · 17/09/2025 12:02

The overwhelming positive I’m getting is your dd commitment to her education and upcoming work placement. If you are able to and want to support her that would be the best thing as she may very well realise for herself which path in life will be better for her and her dc and with the solid base of education, career prospects and family support it could all work out. Hopefully her boyfriend can get the support he needs but if I were you I’d really be focusing on making sure she has as many opportunities as possible with long term goals in sight.

KateMiskin · 17/09/2025 12:07

I remember in her last post OP said she can't look after this new baby as she works full time and looks after the 1-year-old already.

ninjahamster · 17/09/2025 12:10

Realistically, if your daughter is continuing with college and you want her to do her placement etc, then you are going to be doing the lion’s share of raising both these children. You had lots of advice last time but seem to have decided to go ahead and commit to this second child.
The dad is too young, from a fractured upbringing, clearly unstable. He is not in a place to be a good father.
Personally I would have laid down the law to my daughter and told her that if she was determined to go ahead with the pregnancy, she needed to be the parent, not step in to pick things up like you have. It really seems like this will have little impact on her. She gets to carry on college, whilst you childmind.

pmtorpmdd · 17/09/2025 12:14

KateMiskin · 17/09/2025 12:07

I remember in her last post OP said she can't look after this new baby as she works full time and looks after the 1-year-old already.

I wonder if there is any help with nursery funding for this type of situation ?

Cherrytree86 · 17/09/2025 12:29

Wow, my mum would never have stood for all this shite when I was 17!

London22 · 17/09/2025 12:35

He's 16 yrs old with 2 kids, a weed addiction and an unstable upbringing. He clearly needs guidance, but you can't give that to him.

She's 17 years old and has 2 kids and has to deal with the unstable 16 year father. She is trying to establish a life for herself via education.

OP the best thing for you to do, is support your DD the best you can, make peace unfortunately with the the fact that most of this childrearing will fall on to you and also put your DD on successful birth control. Drum in to her that birth control is her freedom, it's easy to keep having babies, when the onus is unfortunately falling on to you. No matter how lovely the children are.

indoorplantqueen · 17/09/2025 12:35

i remember your last thread. Your DD’s and your grandsons life was already hard and it’s about to get harder. If she cannot stay away from him it is possible she might lose her children. A weed smoking, aggressive, criminal 16 year old will not go down well with social care. She needs to be able to prioritise her children over him.

the chances of her being able to stick with college for the next two years are very unlikely, unless you take on most of the responsibility for the two babies.

Seeyouincourtkeith · 17/09/2025 12:36

What a total shit show for all involved I really feel for you. You don't say if your DD lives with you? I think it has to be tough love, your DD has made some very unwise decisions and has brought two children into this, she needs to own her decisions and step up and be responsible for them. Stop bailing her out and let her deal with the consequences of her actions. SS taking them away from the Father may be the best thing for them by the sounds of it if your DD is not able to provide stability for them.

Starlight7080 · 17/09/2025 12:36

2 baby's at 18 is crazy . How is that even possible in a time when so many contraception options are available.

He sounds far to young to cope with any responsibility. He obviously needs lots of help himself.
But at that age I bet they won't listen to anything you say .

PinkFrogss · 17/09/2025 12:38

Have a serious conversation with DD and social services together about what sort of support you can offer. Including housing and childcare.

She sounds like she’s got her head in the sand about who is going to care and pay for this second child

mcdog · 17/09/2025 12:41

What a mess :( I remember your last thread too, and it seems nothing is better sadly.

I don’t suppose social services are going to take a very positive view of a Mum (your DD) actively encouraging a child (your Grandchildren) to be around a man who smokes weed, gets arrested, and punches walls hard enough to break bones when he is angry. And for good reason…

KimTheresPeopleThatAreDying · 17/09/2025 12:43

Christ what a mess. I’m sure your daughter is a lovely girl but she makes truly awful life choices.

WhiskyintheJarr · 17/09/2025 12:46

He’s only 16 years old? So he was 14 when they conceived their first child and 15 when they were born?

Poor kid. At least your daughter has you.

Shewasafaireh · 17/09/2025 12:50

I’d still support her with her education but I’d lay out some boundaries: he doesn’t get to pop in whenever he feels like it and she’d have to go on reliable contraception. No way I’d be risking her adding a third child to this nonsense.

With her continuing her education and having plans to look forward to there’s a good chance she’ll grow out of him.

TwelvePercent · 17/09/2025 13:03

He's got an anger management problem, punching other people and walls and he's allowed to be alone with your 17yo and two tiny babies?

From my limited experience looked after kids are best supported while they're at school in terms of resources and support. Once he leaves support goes into freefall, so he's at his peak potential to escape the mess he's in right now. I feel for the kid, sounds like he was dealt a terrible hand but at 16 with 2 kids he's got to make better choices.

I suspect he will HATE it as your DD gets more independent through work and employment.

I'd seriously consider moving an inconvenient distance away with DD & GC. Let this shitty relationship die, let her focus on her kids and her education and tell her to start centering her choices around providing a decent future for herself & her children.

Original poster
TiredNanAgain · 17/09/2025 13:11

Thanks everyone for the replies so far.

Grandson goes to the nursery attached to her college so she’s got that support which is great. Over the summer I didn’t do any childcare for him, they actually did a few days out when her BF was off the weed which was nice to see, took him to the farm and the park and he really loved it. But now it honestly feels worse than before, he’s back on the weed and seems to be more moody and distant.

She didn’t want an abortion and when she told him he basically just said “do whatever” which really annoyed me. Now he says he wants to go to her next scan but I don’t know if he’ll actually turn up on the day.

I’m trying so hard not to push her away because I know if I come down too hard she’ll just run closer to him. Social services did bring up a parenting course in a meeting but he shut it straight down and said he didn’t need it.

I can’t care for these children full time as I work full time and it’s just not possible. I feel like I’m constantly treading water trying to support her but keep my own job and life together too.

OP posts:
User21548967 · 17/09/2025 13:12

I remember your thread too and a majority were advising you to encourage a termination.
I honestly can’t see how supporting her is doing anything more than giving her the go ahead to do as she pleases. It isn’t in anyone’s best interests - hers, the fathers, yours of her toddlers.

andthat · 17/09/2025 13:21

User21548967 · 17/09/2025 13:12

I remember your thread too and a majority were advising you to encourage a termination.
I honestly can’t see how supporting her is doing anything more than giving her the go ahead to do as she pleases. It isn’t in anyone’s best interests - hers, the fathers, yours of her toddlers.

But she can’t force an abortion and so here we are…

@TiredNanAgain please prioritise your job. If you lose that, you will be in dire straights.

You can only give so much. What happens if she gets pregnant a third time, or a fourth time? Unfortunately your daughter has to realise the hard way that you cannot bail her out of every single situation. All you can do is tell her what you can offer.

She will have to make some tough decisions. whether she can manage two children and a course remains to be seen but is unlikely. She may have to give up her course or give up her child.

eqpi4t2hbsnktd · 17/09/2025 13:25

pmtorpmdd · 17/09/2025 12:14

I wonder if there is any help with nursery funding for this type of situation ?

Show quote history

Sorry why should there be nursery funding? These babies have parents to look after them... albeit children for parents but those parents DID decide to have these babies. Not tax payers problems.

MiceAsPie · 17/09/2025 13:27

If you’re unable to bring up your grandchildren yourself then I’d explore them both being adopted out. All that’s going to happen here is that history will repeat itself and these two babies will become what their parents are - and so the cycle continues

I know that sounds horribly harsh but clearly your daughter and her boyfriend have both had very difficult upbringings so I’d be looking to how this cycle can be broken for this next generation

eqpi4t2hbsnktd · 17/09/2025 13:29

Also why is anyone expecting a 16 year old boy to be a good dad? He is a 16 year old boy FFS!

Sidebeforeself · 17/09/2025 13:31

To posters saying ‘put your DD on effective contraception”..she cant force her DD to do anything!

This is the problem when children have children…they cant always act like the responsible adults they need to be.

OP I do not understand what hold this boy has over your DD but the more you facilitate ( and I know you want to be supportive) the more you are making her think that this is a lifestyle she can continue.

You have to step back. Observe from teh sidelines and call police, SS if you think she is in danger but beyond that she needs to feel all the consequences of her actions. And I feel so sorry for those poor babies.