DD17 pregnant again and BF arrested last week

[TiredNanAgain]

Hi all, new name but I’ve posted before about my DD17, her little boy who’s just turned 1 and her BF16 who is honestly causing me to tear my hair out.

It’s been a few months since I last posted so thought I’d do an update because so much has happened since then and I could really use some advice.

DD finally told him about the pregnancy in early July. I was really hoping he would take it well but he didn’t at all. He came over to ours when grandson was having his little birthday gathering with family and a few friends and they ended up arguing in the kitchen. I still don’t know what exactly about but he stormed off mid party and went outside, next thing we know he’s punched a wall down the road and broke his hand. So that kind of ruined the day for everyone as you can imagine.

He did calm down eventually and I think after a few weeks it started to sink in. He even stopped smoking weed for a short while after finding out about the pregnancy which gave me some hope. But sadly he’s back on it now, I can smell it on him again and it just makes me worry about what sort of example he’s setting.

GCSE results day was a bit of a disaster, he failed them all. DD tried to help him revise back in spring but honestly he didn’t listen and was on his phone half the time. He hasn’t gone on to do anything education wise since, says he doesn’t want to go to college and just wants to “work” but he doesn’t have a job and I still suspect he’s dealing but no proof. He gives DD money sometimes which she just says is his allowance from foster care but surely it wouldn’t be that much.

DD is back at college now and doing really well, she loves it. Her course has a work placement next year and she’s excited for that so I really don’t want her to give that up. She is about 18 weeks now and the bump is getting obvious.

Social services know about the pregnancy and have been quite supportive but said they will need to do another assessment once baby is here. His foster carer is trying her best, she’s honestly lovely and I do feel for her because she says he’s been so difficult lately and now with the pregnancy news he’s acting out even more.

The reason I’m posting really is because he was arrested last week. I don’t want to say too much but it was for fighting with another boy. He’s been given some kind of caution and they’re talking about maybe anger management sessions. I just feel like everything is spiralling again and I don’t know how to help DD without completely taking over.

She’s happy about the baby now, says she wants to keep it and that she loves him and he’s a good dad (I wouldn’t go that far). Grandson absolutely adores him and smiles at him whenever he’s around which I know makes DD happy. But I can’t shake the feeling that this is going to end in tears again.

I’m just rambling now but I feel so stuck. Do I step back completely and let her figure it out? Or do I keep trying to push her to see that this is not a stable situation for her and soon to be two children? I’m exhausted if I’m honest and don’t know if I’m making things worse by always being there to pick up the pieces.

@Woompund

erm because it’s the truth?? Besides a few hours here and there she cannot provide childcare because she works full time.

Oh my word, what a shitshow! I feel for you op as I’ve got 17 year old twin daughters thank god they are not interested in boys yet! Your dd needs to go live on her own with her kids she can apply for housing and maybe social services will give her a support worker. At the end of the day she needs to be accountable for her life choices and I say this as someone who was 18 when had my first child. I had to get on with it

This is why I stopped posting, not sure why I'm back tbh. There's no way I can force adoption, abortion or contraception. She was on the pill and I thought she was being careful.

When she got pregnant with grandson, I didn't even know they were serious. I couldn't lock her up and stop her seeing him as much as I would've liked to, he was trouble even then. Constantly running away from his placements etc. They were at the same school albeit he was in the year below but they'd see each other during breaktimes and after school .

I also don't want this to be a benefits debate thread, I work and pay taxes so not sure why you're all being smug.

The pill isn’t a good option for an unreliable 17 yr old. Implant, injection etc no scope for user error.
In terms of opportunity i’d suspect dd has been meeting him in college breaks or saying she’s going to shop for baby milk and having sex in park etc, possibly while baby in pram with her.
No one can be with a teen 24/7.
Maybe Op has been too supportive and she’s thought it’s a doddle not seeing how much scaffolding and support op giving. 2 under 2 will be a whole different ball game. It’s a horrible position for Op as if she won’t house the 3 of them realistically the dd will be in some horrible accommodation, him around smoking weed and risk dd drops out of college and ss involved with children.

It's pretty depressing that you think this is the best your daughter can do for herself. That's the message you've given her by allowing her to get into this mess. Repeatedly.

As soon as this baby's born I'd take her to get an implant fitted as you don't want to be in this position again! Just step back and leave her to manage. You carry on working and doing your things. She wants this baby so leave her to it.

You say he's dragging her down. really??

She was having sex with a 14yr old. And then decided for herself that she's keeping both kids?!

That poor boy will end up in the gutter.

Jesus. Another baby in this shitshow like one wasn't enough. Why wasn't she on birth control after the first pregnancy? She seems completely irresponsible and him even worse. They are like kids playing family although they are not able to parent. Sorry @TiredNanAgain but you will have two other children to raise or get SS very involved because these 2 are just too immature.

Sounds like your daughter needs help, another child with the totally unsuitable father!
Poor children that are getting dragged into this terrible situation.

I remember your first thread, your DD as always happy with the pregnancy and it was pretty obvious she was stalling telling him so that a termination wasn’t able to be discussed.
After this baby is born I would insist on her having the implant, not relying on the pill which I think was the method she was using.
Your are enabling her to make poor choices, so I think you really need to spell out that this is the last baby you will be assisting her with, with your support hopefully in time she will realise he’s a waste of space….
If she doesn’t get on some decent birth control and mature swiftly I’d be stepping away.
He’s not a good Dad, in the original thread wasn’t his son injured whist in his care whilst he stepped out to smoke?
If she can’t see how this is poor role model for her babies then she’s not being a great mother either….
I really feel for you as it’s an awful situation, but at some point your help is allowing this cycle to continue.

OP I just want to extend a hand of understanding. You're getting some harsh judgments on this thread and I'm sure you were braced for that. Many people have no idea how close they've come to situations like this, or other situations they judge, and it's truly a case of 'there but for the grace of god go I'. You can do all the right things, parent to the best of your ability, and still you can't control everything.

You're trying, and you're walking the balance between imposing structure and safety for your DD while not alienating her. I wouldn't wish that challenge on anyone. I wish I had advice for you, but I do have understanding.

well apparently if you don't let them they'll do it anyway... As if parents don't have control of a 14 year olds whereabout ffs. They're year in 9!

I remember your thread. You seemed incredibly passive and unable to lay down boundaries and it seems nothing has changed. IIRC didn't the baby fall off the sofa when the lad was meant to be minding him? For that alone that lad would not be allowed in my house ever again.

I think you need to be very assertive with social services and say that you will not do more when the second child arrives. If you are even the slightest bit washy washy with them they will just trample all over you like your DD has done. Have you told them the lad is dealing weed?

The bare minimum for DD continuing to live with you should be that she gets the coil or implant and stops seeing the lad. Otherwise she leaves, which may mean she has to leave college and she may need that spelt out to her. Make it clear to her and SS that you can't offer any more help or money than you're currently doing.

We can see he's not and never will be father material, SS can and you probably can too. This is either going to end with the boy out of DDs life, possibly in prison or the boy still involved with DD but the 2 kids in care. Arguably your DD isn't really mother material either - she's unable to put her child before this "relationship".

What's the attraction of this loser for her? Is she just desperate to have a boyfriend even a completely unsuitable one that isn't into her? Rescue? What would it take for her to dump him?

She's only 9 months older, she was 15. I'm not sure why you're making out she's some kind of predator

How is OP supposed to 'put her daughter on contraceptives that work' or 'encourage a termination' - you cannot force a 17 year old girl to take medication or terminate her 18 week pregnancy! What OP can do and what I advise is to tell DD and social services you are no longer able to provide support or a home for DD and the children when the new baby arrives. Outline your concerns about their care. These are DD's children and unless OP wants to facilitate her DD's parenting by basically doing it herself, then the only control she has is to step away sadly.

If she's open to talking about better contraception at some point I would recommend the implant.

The pill is not as effective especially if you have an infection that requires antibiotics, if you're sick or if you're not religious about taking it.

It's painless, doesn't require someone peering into your genitals, and it's fire and forget. You can't forget to take it, it is just there.

They should hopefully offer her it post-natally, but I think the discussion needs to be had now about it being a requirement if she intends to continue living with you.

You can stop her from seeing him. There is no way I’d allow my child to be with someone like that.

Ban him from the house. Stop facilitating her seeing friends/seeing boyfriend by saying no to babysitting.

She has a baby. Of course she can’t go out socialising. If she wants to see friends she can do so at college ie if she actually attends or they can visit her

If she continues lying and seeing him then she will have to live somewhere else.

You gave her the opportunity to continue college by helping her and it backfired. She can kiss college goodbye now as she’s prioritised a second child over her education.

I think you need to be very assertive with social services and say that you will not do more when the second child arrives. If you are even the slightest bit washy washy with them they will just trample all over you like your DD has done. Have you told them the lad is dealing weed?

What do you expect social services to do or say when she refuses to help care for the new baby? Care of the baby is the responsibility of the parents first, and if they can't do it, other relatives need to step up. Social services won't be providing childcare, so what's all this guff about being 'assertive' and not being trampled over? If OP refuses to help care for the baby/babies then her DD will struggle and the children may suffer. Are you suggesting that's a good outcome to be hoped for? Who do you think will help care for them - not social services! And why do you think the state (which is what social services is) should be caring for these children above their own grandmother?

You suggest she kicks them out? And they go where?! Who on earth benefits from the DD and her two babies being made homeless before she's even 18?

I know you can’t literally force contraception but if I were OP I would be sitting her down and telling her she NEEDS to go on to long-term contraception (coil, implant or injection) once this baby is born. I would make the appointment for her. Take her to the appointment.

You can only strongly advise regarding longterm contraception, you can't force her and she can still lie.

But you do need to be firm about this as the gently gently no being too robust isn't working. Whether you nice or not she has gone back there again and gotten pregant again. Treating her with kid gloves hasn't worked, you are making her think that having 2 small children is easy because it has been easy with your providing the infrastructure for her to do it.

Ho will she be able to afford to move put and provide for 2 small children/ she hasn't even thought about it. Because she doesn't have to. No one is saying you nee to make a pregnant teenage homeless but its time for her to experience real life.

Or the will continue making these baffling decisions and keep making children this boy. What if he is placement breaks down and he ends in up a hostel/YMCA, he can't take his children there and his behaviour will escalate. Now his foster carer is lumped having to facilitate him having 2 small children while being off the rails himself.

DD is living in a fantasy and it has to stop

i imagine the majority of grandparents wouldn’t step forward in this situation.

The babies need to go into care.
They are the ones I feel sorry for here.

other relatives need to step up.

Well that's certainly what Op's daughter is relying on isn't it?

She was supposedly on the pill when she conceived this second time.

As a PP said, coil or injection.

I'm not "making out" anything. The facts are very clear, she was having sex with a 14yr old and decided for herself to have 2kids.

Her decision has ruined that boys life.

I think it great she's at college, but how does that work when the new baby comes?