DD17 pregnant again and BF arrested last week

[TiredNanAgain]

Hi all, new name but I’ve posted before about my DD17, her little boy who’s just turned 1 and her BF16 who is honestly causing me to tear my hair out.

It’s been a few months since I last posted so thought I’d do an update because so much has happened since then and I could really use some advice.

DD finally told him about the pregnancy in early July. I was really hoping he would take it well but he didn’t at all. He came over to ours when grandson was having his little birthday gathering with family and a few friends and they ended up arguing in the kitchen. I still don’t know what exactly about but he stormed off mid party and went outside, next thing we know he’s punched a wall down the road and broke his hand. So that kind of ruined the day for everyone as you can imagine.

He did calm down eventually and I think after a few weeks it started to sink in. He even stopped smoking weed for a short while after finding out about the pregnancy which gave me some hope. But sadly he’s back on it now, I can smell it on him again and it just makes me worry about what sort of example he’s setting.

GCSE results day was a bit of a disaster, he failed them all. DD tried to help him revise back in spring but honestly he didn’t listen and was on his phone half the time. He hasn’t gone on to do anything education wise since, says he doesn’t want to go to college and just wants to “work” but he doesn’t have a job and I still suspect he’s dealing but no proof. He gives DD money sometimes which she just says is his allowance from foster care but surely it wouldn’t be that much.

DD is back at college now and doing really well, she loves it. Her course has a work placement next year and she’s excited for that so I really don’t want her to give that up. She is about 18 weeks now and the bump is getting obvious.

Social services know about the pregnancy and have been quite supportive but said they will need to do another assessment once baby is here. His foster carer is trying her best, she’s honestly lovely and I do feel for her because she says he’s been so difficult lately and now with the pregnancy news he’s acting out even more.

The reason I’m posting really is because he was arrested last week. I don’t want to say too much but it was for fighting with another boy. He’s been given some kind of caution and they’re talking about maybe anger management sessions. I just feel like everything is spiralling again and I don’t know how to help DD without completely taking over.

She’s happy about the baby now, says she wants to keep it and that she loves him and he’s a good dad (I wouldn’t go that far). Grandson absolutely adores him and smiles at him whenever he’s around which I know makes DD happy. But I can’t shake the feeling that this is going to end in tears again.

I’m just rambling now but I feel so stuck. Do I step back completely and let her figure it out? Or do I keep trying to push her to see that this is not a stable situation for her and soon to be two children? I’m exhausted if I’m honest and don’t know if I’m making things worse by always being there to pick up the pieces.

The father is 16 and in foster care ...he was 14 when he got his 15 year old girlfriend pregnant.
That's still a child at 14 ,a child in foster care ,he's probably not had the advantages your DD has had ,being part of a loving supportive family .
He has a lot to cope with ,heavens knows what situation he grew up in .
He needs support himself,I hope he has a good social worker looking out for him.
He might suprise you op ,and step up to being a good dad ..
Lots of kids these days smoke weed ,..We've all done things when younger we regret
Don't write him off at 16 ...he may suprise you and step up to be a good dad .
Your doing all the right things supporting your DD ,I just hope he has someone looking out for him ,it doesn't sound like he does

He is not going to step up and be a good dad because his frontal lobe is not yet fully developed.

Well obviously no healthcare professional is going to perform an abortion on a young woman who has been dragged in by her mum.

in what world is this tripe considered good ideas?!

One thing that strikes me is that you seem to “blame” all this on the bf. Your daughter is accountable. I don’t think you should throw her out, but I do think things need to be harder for her.

Why is your daughter doing this?. Does she have zero sense? 😳 . If I were you, I would have reduced my help with the 1 year old drastically, that may have convinced her to stop ✋. Because you are so supportive, she is not feeling the repercussions of her actions.

Encourage a termination, and read her the riot act about long-term contraception.

Hi OP I don’t really have good advice, but I do want to say that it sounds like you’re doing your best in a difficult situation. Balancing variables you can’t control with loving and supporting your daughter and grandson is hard, you’re never gonna get it totally right.

Im Hoping that down the line when your daughter has her qualifications and job and her kids are a bit older you’ll look back and be so proud of how you held it all together. You’ll see that she’s working hard for a good life without a shitty boyfriend and her children are growing up in a solid home with an amazing mum and grandma.

All your threads show is how hugely you failed your daughter. You haven’t patented her, at all. And now there are going to be two kids in this family. I do wish social services would remove children from this sort of home.

She was having sex with a 14 year old, got pregnant, kept the kid and now she had done it again. And all you can do is blame the boy.

Does she actually understand how babies are made? Does she have learning difficulties that make it harder for her to understand this? What she has done makes no sense and you’ve just patted her on the head and cleaned up after her.

You are getting such a hard time OP and I feel a lot of it is unfair.

You can’t insist on abortions or adoption. There is no way that is even possible!

Your daughter is extremely lucky to be able to have a home with you and I would make that conditional on long acting contraception. I disagree with banning the boy from your home, like it or not he is the father of the children and I think with social service support you could insist on contact to be at your home supervised by you. Don’t give your daughter reason to be sneaking off to meet him.

It is going to be a tough road for all of you and wish you so much luck and love, you didn’t ask for any of this and yet you have to deal with it the best you can. You should be at a time of your life enjoying your own freedom and instead you have a house filling up with children.

I'm sure op ,you have no intention of throwing your DD and grandson out .
I expect your very frustrated with the situation.
But your DD is 17 ...I can remember being 17 ,I knew exactly what I was doing ..
Kids are taught about contraception very well these days ..
So in your shoes I would assume neither child was an accident.
Judging from bf reaction of punching a wall and the heated argument,I'd assume ,DD had told him she was taking the pill , because it's clear he didn't want another child .
If she was my dd and this was the situation I'd be assuming both DC were planned ..
After the first baby ,I'd of definitely made sure DD had more permanent birth control.
Maybe that's how you can help her the most ,by helping her look at long term contraception for straight after this baby is born .
Once her bf reaches 18 ,his social worker will help him get a flat ,he will be high priority for a council home as a care leaver ..and a care leaver with two children.
At that point I expect DD and the children will go with him... especially if he hasn't been made to feel welcomed in your home .
I hope you are welcoming him in op ,as that's how he can learn what a good supportive family looks like ,that's how he can learn how to care for baby ,by being around the example you and your DD set..when he sees how you function as a family ,he may want the same for his DC ..lead by example I'm saying..
No point stopping him coming round ,the children need a dad ,and will want the dad they have ,no matter how many people on here say he's a dead beat dad ..

You think anything the daughter has done shows that she will raise these kids well and without a shitty boyfriend hanging around?

Give it a couple years and there will be another pregnancy.

While noone thinks mid teen pregnancies are ideal, it can work out. What's really troubling here is that your daughter has gone on to have a second while the first is going to be a (young) toddler by the same teenage father who has multiple issues of his own. Everyone knows that toddler plus newborn is a different kettle of fish to just one and I do think OP you have been too softly softly in not reinforcing that a second would be unacceptable at this stage and why. Too late now, but as a minimum for your support you need to insist on cast iron contraception like the implant.

I read your last thread and I think in trying not to "push her away" you risk coming over as more passive and accepting of the situation than anyone should be and in the long run, it will do her no favours. She needs to grow up and very fast and the only person who can promote that and your own boundaries is you.

Not with that anger problem, he won't. It's understandable the kid is fucked up , god only knows what his journey to here was like for him to end up in foster care, but he will not be a good dad of he is fighting with their mum at birthday parties, punching walls so hard he breaks his own bones and worst of all, getting into violent altercations and being arrested.

Almost guaranteed he will end up in jail at some point and the daughter and her kids' lives will be blighted by the consequences of his unmanaged rage.

There's nothing you can do except care for the children and help provide for them. It doesn't sound as if your daughter really minds. Are you braced for her to have more with him after this one?
Tell you what though, not sure a man/boy who breaks his hand hitting walls is likely to control his temper around multiple little ones.

Her dad passed away when she was younger and they weren't close anyway as he lived over 3 hours away so most of it was over the phone

Not OP' s or her DD' s fault but this explains why she accepts such low bar dad and boyfriend behaviour from the lad. And why she has her own rose coloured specs ideas of being a family with mum and dad present. Terribly sad.

OP do you have access through work to any kind of therapy or counselling? If so I really think you should take it up. This is all really hard on you.

You have to try to balance being supportive with holding your own boundaries. Do not even contemplate giving up your job or dropping hours. That's your lifeline. I do think your DD is more dependent on your cooperation than you think. You said if you don't help 'she will leave' but to go where? She can't afford to rent, neither can he, and I doubt boyfriend's foster carers are up for taking her plus two babies in as well. Perhaps some calm exploration of these limits would help her realise she has to consider your needs as well.

If she cannot stay away from him it is possible she might lose her children

I remember the previous thread very well and wonder if this would be such a bad thing if it resulted in the children gaining a settled, loving home with parents actually prepared to step up

It's perfectly true that adoption can also bring longterm issues, but so will the current situation - especially if the DD continues having children in the expectation that OP will carry the load

Lots of 15/16 year olds have anger issues,get in to fights ,smoke weed .
And many sort themselves out as they mature ,,this young man has had no example set of how to behave and no kind caring home to go back to each day ,most likely no one caring wether he was at school or not .
With kindness support and guidance,he may well mature in to a loving father .
No one should be written of as a bad un at 16 ..christ ,have you never made mistakes

Doing just fine…. Christ alive, your standards are not just low, they’re subterranean.

she will not leave... leave and go where? she can't stay at the foster placement, is pregnant, in college and has a 1 year old.

She won't be going anywhere, and if she does it will be temporary council accommodation which will give her a rude awakening to realities of the life she's headed into with these stupid choices.

This is good advice.

I have a 17 year old son who is well brought up, well behaved most of the time, as sensible as any 17 van be expected to be , he has held down a good relationship with a girl for 18 months and has none of the problems this lad has, but the thought of him as the father of a baby fills me with horror. His brain is nowhere near developed enough to cope with that level of responsibility.

Whatever problems this kid has as a result of his history are manifesting in uncontrolled anger and the pressure of having 2 babies will only exacerbate that massively.

I really feel for the OP because there's no obvious right answer here. Only degrees of wrong answers and a lot that is out of her control.

The most critical thing to get fixed is the kids anger because nothing will be right until that is sorted but there's not a lot she can do about that.

Hes a 16 year old boy, hes never going to be a good dad at the age of 16!
Im sorry op but if you cant bring up your grandchildren, you need to look into adoption
. She will struggle with two young babies, you know this. You need to come down hard on her as history is repeating itself - whats to say she gives birth to her second & falls pregnant with a third?

The majority of grandparents DO step up actually thank goodness because outcomes for children growing up in care compared to those who grow up in their extended families are very poor. In any case there is no reason to think these children need to be cared for by anyone other than their mum - but she's still a child herself and she needs help. Who on earth should help her if not her own mum?

Don't be so dramatic.

It's not her decision as to whether her daughter should have a termination or not - good god, re-read what you have written.

Yes, she could have laid down the law and said I'm not playing stay at home nan, etc, and that's for her daughter to take on board then.

And where do you think they will go? To the OP, that's where. How is that better than what she has now?