DD17 pregnant again and BF arrested last week

[TiredNanAgain]

Hi all, new name but I’ve posted before about my DD17, her little boy who’s just turned 1 and her BF16 who is honestly causing me to tear my hair out.

It’s been a few months since I last posted so thought I’d do an update because so much has happened since then and I could really use some advice.

DD finally told him about the pregnancy in early July. I was really hoping he would take it well but he didn’t at all. He came over to ours when grandson was having his little birthday gathering with family and a few friends and they ended up arguing in the kitchen. I still don’t know what exactly about but he stormed off mid party and went outside, next thing we know he’s punched a wall down the road and broke his hand. So that kind of ruined the day for everyone as you can imagine.

He did calm down eventually and I think after a few weeks it started to sink in. He even stopped smoking weed for a short while after finding out about the pregnancy which gave me some hope. But sadly he’s back on it now, I can smell it on him again and it just makes me worry about what sort of example he’s setting.

GCSE results day was a bit of a disaster, he failed them all. DD tried to help him revise back in spring but honestly he didn’t listen and was on his phone half the time. He hasn’t gone on to do anything education wise since, says he doesn’t want to go to college and just wants to “work” but he doesn’t have a job and I still suspect he’s dealing but no proof. He gives DD money sometimes which she just says is his allowance from foster care but surely it wouldn’t be that much.

DD is back at college now and doing really well, she loves it. Her course has a work placement next year and she’s excited for that so I really don’t want her to give that up. She is about 18 weeks now and the bump is getting obvious.

Social services know about the pregnancy and have been quite supportive but said they will need to do another assessment once baby is here. His foster carer is trying her best, she’s honestly lovely and I do feel for her because she says he’s been so difficult lately and now with the pregnancy news he’s acting out even more.

The reason I’m posting really is because he was arrested last week. I don’t want to say too much but it was for fighting with another boy. He’s been given some kind of caution and they’re talking about maybe anger management sessions. I just feel like everything is spiralling again and I don’t know how to help DD without completely taking over.

She’s happy about the baby now, says she wants to keep it and that she loves him and he’s a good dad (I wouldn’t go that far). Grandson absolutely adores him and smiles at him whenever he’s around which I know makes DD happy. But I can’t shake the feeling that this is going to end in tears again.

I’m just rambling now but I feel so stuck. Do I step back completely and let her figure it out? Or do I keep trying to push her to see that this is not a stable situation for her and soon to be two children? I’m exhausted if I’m honest and don’t know if I’m making things worse by always being there to pick up the pieces.

So obviously different set of circumstances however a young member of my family deliberately chose to get pregnant at 16 with her weed smoking deadbeat boyfriend (he didn’t have a say and was shocked/awful at start) and then had a second baby a year later. We all hoped it would be the making of her but she is a horrible mother and fully resents them taking away her freedom and life. She has now left the kids, so it is on the ‘deadbeat’ boyfriend to bring them up, and as it turns out this is the making of him, he is a wonderful father, and fortunately those poor kids do not even miss their deadbeat mother. Don’t write off the father too soon- he may step up and surprise you.

I look forward to my hard earn taxes paying for these 2 feckless people. I suppose statistically, my children will also be paying for your two (for now, but I assume there will be more) grandchildren as well.

this or wanting her kids to have the same father, with no other thought than that.

Of course he refused... It's not manly, is it.

OP, I remember your sad thread.

You need to get your daughter into counseling. I'm not blaming you in any way, but something has gone badly wrong in your daughter's life - there is some huge issue with her self esteem - that caused her to take such enormous risks for a boy who is so emotionally unavailable to her. Basically, she is looking for love in the absolutely last place she should be looking for it.

Does she have a notion of herself as a saving angel whose love can heal him? A rescue complex? She is throwing herself and now two babies under the bus for this boy. She needs to understand why and how to stop trying.

I have seen this scenario played out before. There were more babies (five) plus the guy has fathered several more with other girls.

Grandson absolutely adores him and smiles at him whenever he’s around which I know makes DD happy.

I have photos of my father smiling at me and me smiling back at him as a baby. But that didn’t stop him from being a very irresponsible and damaging father.
Your dd is only 17, so does not understand that occasional smiles don’t make him a good father. I feel sorry for your 1 year old grandchild and the one she is still pregnant with. No child should be exposed to a parent who can’t control from arguing on their child’s birthday celebration. I can’t imagine how much lacking in self control the father is on other days, if he couldn’t control himself on his child’s first birthday. But not entirely his fault, 16 is not an age to take responsibility of a child.

Every child needs stability and this guy cannot provide it. I don’t know how much your dd can handle but at 18 having 2 kids and her college studies will be extremely difficult.

Bet you £20 that she ends up on benefits anyway- after college - working with two small kids and no partner around?

I’m trying so hard not to push her away because I know if I come down too hard she’ll just run closer to him.

Does that mean you need to leave on eggshells while your dd has unprotected sex with a useless boy and keep creating more kids whom she doesn’t have means to give good, stable upbringing?

Despite you being supportive, she lied to you and continue to meet him.

Agree with this.

How would that help?!

Being 'supportive' does not mean enabling your DD to go on having babies with a feckless, violent man while you pick up the pieces. Be less supportive.

Thankfully she's got a mum who will support her though - she doesn't need to end up with no prospects

What do you think would cost tax payers more in the long run?

Supporting young parents with childcare while they complete their education so they can get a well paying job or letting them drop out of education, making it hard to get a good job so they end up unemployed or in low paid unskilled roles relying on benefits to top up their income?

OP it's rarely good for teenagers to rely on the pill - once this baby is born she needs to get a coil ideally or the injection as a minimum. Would she agree to that?

I can’t remember if you went into any detail on your DDs background on the last thread, but I just find it a bit sad and concerning that she seems to put all of her self-worth, time and energy into this boy. Does she not see what else life has to offer? It’s great that she’s doing well at college and actively enjoying it/looking forward to her placement. At least that is something separate from this mess of a relationship. I would try my best to make sure she sticks at it, but also try to be as encouraging and positive about the future and what she can do with her life, beyond throwing everything away for this boy and continually having children in an on-off relationship.

I remember you earlier posts. Do make sure you look after yourself and be clear what you can and can’t offer support wise.
I’d suspect deliberate choice for baby 2 to try and engineer a happy little family.
Positives are college and caring for toddler. I assume you pay for most things for her and toddler.
Can you house them longer term? If not is she able to apply for housing when she’s 18.
I wouldn’t expect anything from the boy he’s clearly got many issues. Your dd needs support to manage alone.
Contraception - brook advisory is good for young people if one near you.
I’d really stress impact on her children. She clearly loves toddler and wants the new baby so needs to do what is best for them.

It constantly shocks me when I see stories like these, 14-y.o. girl allowed to go out and have unprotected sex with their 'boyfriend'. 14 y.o. should think about studying and exams, not babies.

What a mess…do not leave your daughter to it and abandon her and your grandchildren. Move if you have to to get her away from him and help her sort out contraception,she is as much as immature as he is. I know a couple who met at 16, had first baby at 17- still together 40 years later but he was A+ student,graduated high school with compliments,didnt smoke/drink, did professional levels sports etc- went on to work hard to provide for his family etc. This kid that your daughter hangs around with,has been failed by his parents and it shows and theres no amount of “parenting” thats going to fix him.

I dont get it either.. how do they get opportunity are the parents not interested where their child is and what are they doing?

For goodness sake get her on the pill after this baby is born.

I agree. But apparently you can't stop them. 🙄 Mums must be supportive at all costs, even if it means bringing up the babies.

IDK what to say about this as have no experince - I have young adult children and so I've met/known a lot of teens and no-one I know has been in this situation of a teen pregnancy even the ones who went a bit 'off the wall' in school ie, my niece.

She needs to stay well away from this horrific young man and get some decent contraception once the baby is born. Get her the injection/coil - anything that she can't 'forget' to take.

I remember your thread op. You need to drop the rope a bit, she’s nearly an adult, and, frankly, shes made her bed. You picking up the pieces all the time hasn’t helped has it, she’s now going to essentially be a single mum of two and she needs to get on with it. He wont step up, it sounds like he’s got his own problems and your DD is going to find out the hard way. Stay watching from a distance of course, but for goodness sake don’t get sucked into looking after them as well as your actual full time job.

Op didn’t allow her to have sex with this boy. They did it any ways.

Before you judge the ‘parents’, there are no parents. 17 year old has a single mother, and the 16 year old boy has a foster parent.

Some people have to go through shit circumstances ( in this case, all of them - op, her dd, bf, and now kids) - why can’t you and the poster you are replying to understand that people can have different circumstances than you.