DD17 pregnant again and BF arrested last week

[TiredNanAgain]

Hi all, new name but I’ve posted before about my DD17, her little boy who’s just turned 1 and her BF16 who is honestly causing me to tear my hair out.

It’s been a few months since I last posted so thought I’d do an update because so much has happened since then and I could really use some advice.

DD finally told him about the pregnancy in early July. I was really hoping he would take it well but he didn’t at all. He came over to ours when grandson was having his little birthday gathering with family and a few friends and they ended up arguing in the kitchen. I still don’t know what exactly about but he stormed off mid party and went outside, next thing we know he’s punched a wall down the road and broke his hand. So that kind of ruined the day for everyone as you can imagine.

He did calm down eventually and I think after a few weeks it started to sink in. He even stopped smoking weed for a short while after finding out about the pregnancy which gave me some hope. But sadly he’s back on it now, I can smell it on him again and it just makes me worry about what sort of example he’s setting.

GCSE results day was a bit of a disaster, he failed them all. DD tried to help him revise back in spring but honestly he didn’t listen and was on his phone half the time. He hasn’t gone on to do anything education wise since, says he doesn’t want to go to college and just wants to “work” but he doesn’t have a job and I still suspect he’s dealing but no proof. He gives DD money sometimes which she just says is his allowance from foster care but surely it wouldn’t be that much.

DD is back at college now and doing really well, she loves it. Her course has a work placement next year and she’s excited for that so I really don’t want her to give that up. She is about 18 weeks now and the bump is getting obvious.

Social services know about the pregnancy and have been quite supportive but said they will need to do another assessment once baby is here. His foster carer is trying her best, she’s honestly lovely and I do feel for her because she says he’s been so difficult lately and now with the pregnancy news he’s acting out even more.

The reason I’m posting really is because he was arrested last week. I don’t want to say too much but it was for fighting with another boy. He’s been given some kind of caution and they’re talking about maybe anger management sessions. I just feel like everything is spiralling again and I don’t know how to help DD without completely taking over.

She’s happy about the baby now, says she wants to keep it and that she loves him and he’s a good dad (I wouldn’t go that far). Grandson absolutely adores him and smiles at him whenever he’s around which I know makes DD happy. But I can’t shake the feeling that this is going to end in tears again.

I’m just rambling now but I feel so stuck. Do I step back completely and let her figure it out? Or do I keep trying to push her to see that this is not a stable situation for her and soon to be two children? I’m exhausted if I’m honest and don’t know if I’m making things worse by always being there to pick up the pieces.

I don’t know I mean it’s so easy to say “leave her to it” and I get it but…could you really? I couldn’t. I couldn’t leave two children to try and raise my grand babies. I just couldn’t. Even if I was furious and put out. I’d feel like it had to fall to me to give them a good home because who else will?

I am not sure anyone here can offer you any good advice. There aren't any good choices.

I know someone who had a 16 year old in care and the amount of 'spendies' they were getting given by the various gov services was absolutely incredible. He was out earning adults on decent salaries effectively.

And most importantly OP, she has ruined your life. You shouldnt be going through this.

Why is there no fear in these teens any more? I simply wouldn’t have dared to come home pregnant at 15. And certainly not for a second time.

This was my first thought. You poor thing OP. How the hell you're managing to hold down a full time job with all this stress being piled on you, I don't know. I couldn't do it.

I’m at a complete loss as to what to suggest other than tell her she’s on her own sorting out this mess. I can well imagine that she’ll carry on having baby after baby until she sees sense.

There are some really stupid and naïve suggestions on this thread OP, please don’t take them seriously (I’m sure you’re not)

one day this will all be a distant memory. Just got to trudge through

I remember my mum making it very clear that if I came home 'in the family way' I'd be out on my ear in the clothes I stood up in. I was terrified of getting pregnant because I knew she was serious. This was the early 70s though.

This.

Your daughter isn’t making good choices and nor is her boyfriend. They are both dragging each other down if anything, don’t think this can be pinned on him. Especially given his background.

I would hope this would be the last child and they’d make the best of it and continue their education/work and raise the kids together.

The only support I give is so she can do coursework of an evening when she has it and a few hours on a Saturday maybe one or 2 a month. I don't see how stopping that would help things. If I totally refuse to help at all or even stop him coming over (I've already stopped him sleeping over many months ago when he wasn't contributing) she will leave and I won't see her or my grandson and the new baby. Her bf is already talking a lot about leaving his placement because he's “fed up” a it's likely they'll leave together and they'd be in an even worse position.

I have told SS and his foster carer I suspect he is dealing but I have no proof, I presume the police searched him last week when he was arrested and they didn't find anything.

I was hoping she would decide to have an abortion after speaking to her bf but as much as he said he wasn't ready for another baby, he told her to do whatever she wanted and now he seems happy and is talking about wanting to be involved from the start this time though I doubt he will. They all have a cold atm including grandson, he came over yesterday and was acting like he deserved a medal, he was going on about how he’d been soaked in the rain, he had a headache and was tired etc etc he just sat there going on. DD did at one point ask why he came then and he didn't have an answer

I’m really curious why DD was so adamant on having a second when she was in such as terrible position having a child at such a young age already. I’d have thought she would have taken personal responsibility to ensure it never happened again once she realised her young drea,so were at stake and how hard having a baby was. But mom sounds very supportive and even taking baby a few Sats of the month and being there when DD needs to study in the evening. Just surprised she was so wanting to keep the second one so she’ll have two very young babies now.

It’s heartbreaking really as it’s bad enough if the dad was supportive never mind the troubled child they’ve ended up with instead as the father. Even if DD does well at education yiu wonder how she’ll cope with work or even finding one given her childcare responsibilities.

It’s hard to know I suppose if mom was too supportive to the point of enabling and making it seem a second child is doable and whether should have been bpvery hands off with no cover to take first baby either when she wanted to see her friends so it really dawned on her how much changed her life was. After all DD still had teenage brain not fully optimised in her defence.

Really feel for everyone and I hope DD is open to a more robust form of contraception now.

This is so, so true. Life is hard and complicated and most of us are doing our absolute best, like you are OP.

Life is hard now, and you can't see how it will all unfold. But it will. You love your daughter and that makes all the difference - that sounds wishy-washy, but it's not. Research has shown that a child or young person having just one single adult in their life who is consistently there for them and shows them love drastically changes outcomes for the better.

One day you will look back on this, when the babies are older, and it will simply be a memory, part of the story.

It would make it much, much more likely that the DD would have a termination. Which is the best possible outcome in this situation for all three children.

Your DD is stuck in a sunk cost fallacy, the boyfriend is a lost cause. Both are hopeless parents and are just doing what is best for them right now, not the children.

If I totally refuse to help at all or even stop him coming over (I've already stopped him sleeping over many months ago when he wasn't contributing) she will leave and I won't see her or my grandson and the new baby.

And where will your DD go with no money, no job and boyfriend who can barely take care of himself. At the very least, since she and her children, are in your house, insisting on effective contraception might be in everyone's best interest if she wishes to stay in it (unless she can provide housing for her children).

Right now you are picking up all the pieces of her, and the boyfriend's, bad decisions. There are no repercussions here.

It’s a horrible position for you Op.
Has she explored housing options? I know you say she’ll leave but is she in a position to actually go, unless social housing is available realistically she can’t go.
I wouldn’t want him in the house. If you ban him though I do understand worry of where she would take baby to see him.

It doesn't sound like DD is relying on you any more than any other DD relies on their mum.your not constantly looking after him ,she sounds like she's doing a grand job.
She's at college doing very well ,has a place for baby in a nursery
I suppose she's still living with you , social services could help her find a flat ,get her on the housing association list for a council house.
She sounds to me like she's doing just fine ,and it could easily be a lot worse ,ie ,no college ,no nursery,her palming him off on you all the time ...but she's stepped up and is getting on with her life .
You can't control the boyfriend or what he does..
This is the situation,and all things considered,it could be so much worse

Good grief! Your daughter needs a good kick up her behind. It's not just her anymore she has to worry about. There is now one child and another on the way. How can she be so selfish to expose them to an unstable, abusive, aggressive, druggy father and yet go on to have more children (with him) she can't fully take care of herself?

She needs to understand how this will impact her children. They will have a lot to deal with growing up. She needs to pull her head out of her ass and think of their future too. They only get one childhood and right now she is risking it being trauma-filled. There is no need for it, but she needs to stop thinking of only what makes her happy and focus on what will give them a stable childhood so they have a chance of a future, even if their father does not.

I would really strongly recommend that as soon as she has given birth to this 2nd child, as soon as it is medically safe, she is fitted with a Mirena coil. I have one and it is going to last me 8 yrs of uninterrupted birth control. That's plenty of time for her to sort out her education / career and focus on raising only 2 kids as opposed to 4 or 5 or 6 of them and watching her education / career tanking with the pressure of it all.

The boyfriend is obviously a completely lost cause. Once she realises this she will adjust to him having some parenting time with his kids but she will also move on. It will happen, it always does.

I agree.

Once is a mistake. Twice is a choice.

If you refuse to let him visit her and she runs off with him, SS will remove the babies.
Maybe that is what needs to happen.

I am astounded that people are seriously suggesting that the OP should throw her pregnant daughter and grandson out of her house! The daughter needs her mother more than ever at the moment. If she throws her out, it will just push her away and will more than likely irreparably damage their relationship.

Yes, she got pregnant as a teenager, yes the father is an absolute waste of space. But it does look to me that she is in college, so working towards a future and she looks after and takes care of her son. She doesn't leave it to the OP to take care of him. How many of those posting on here use their parents weekly for childcare, as grown adults. Seems to me that yes the daughter has made mistakes, but she is trying, and is working. She is young and probably optimistic that her son's father will step up, time will tell, I hope he does - he hasn't been dealt an easy hand at all in his young life.

No the OP can't make her daughter take anything or force her to get an abortion - honestly the suggestions are wild!

OP you are supporting your daughter and grandson as best you can, at some point in our children's lives we have to take a step back and let them figure it out, but that doesn't stop us providing love, support and guidance. A parent's love shouldn't be conditional. There will come a time OP when you will all look back and this will be just a memory and hopefully you will have come out the other side stronger than ever. I am wishing you all the best of luck and love in the world.

EXACTLY THIS!!! OP why are you even letting this boy into your house to have sex with your daughter and get pregnant again? Why wasn’t she given the ultimatum that you watch her get the implant or she leaves your home? I have a 15yr old and she would be marched to the abortion clinic that quick her feet wouldn’t touch the ground! You sound weak, I’m sorry to say but this situation is madness and is on you, you are this girls mother!

It’s all done now though, I’m assuming adoption would be a step too far? In that case I would support her when necessary but I wouldn’t be those children’s full time carer! The dad would absolutely be banned from my house! If she doesn’t like that she can move out, tough love is needed here or she’s at risk of losing those kids anyway.

Who’s grown up in care.

I’d punch a wall and smoke weed if my life was that messed up.

About 10 yrs ago a friend of mine adopted a very young pair of siblings who were in a similar situation with young and unreliable parents. Both those siblings are now absolutely thriving, doing well in school, are healthy, balanced, happy.