DD17 pregnant again and BF arrested last week

[TiredNanAgain]

Hi all, new name but I’ve posted before about my DD17, her little boy who’s just turned 1 and her BF16 who is honestly causing me to tear my hair out.

It’s been a few months since I last posted so thought I’d do an update because so much has happened since then and I could really use some advice.

DD finally told him about the pregnancy in early July. I was really hoping he would take it well but he didn’t at all. He came over to ours when grandson was having his little birthday gathering with family and a few friends and they ended up arguing in the kitchen. I still don’t know what exactly about but he stormed off mid party and went outside, next thing we know he’s punched a wall down the road and broke his hand. So that kind of ruined the day for everyone as you can imagine.

He did calm down eventually and I think after a few weeks it started to sink in. He even stopped smoking weed for a short while after finding out about the pregnancy which gave me some hope. But sadly he’s back on it now, I can smell it on him again and it just makes me worry about what sort of example he’s setting.

GCSE results day was a bit of a disaster, he failed them all. DD tried to help him revise back in spring but honestly he didn’t listen and was on his phone half the time. He hasn’t gone on to do anything education wise since, says he doesn’t want to go to college and just wants to “work” but he doesn’t have a job and I still suspect he’s dealing but no proof. He gives DD money sometimes which she just says is his allowance from foster care but surely it wouldn’t be that much.

DD is back at college now and doing really well, she loves it. Her course has a work placement next year and she’s excited for that so I really don’t want her to give that up. She is about 18 weeks now and the bump is getting obvious.

Social services know about the pregnancy and have been quite supportive but said they will need to do another assessment once baby is here. His foster carer is trying her best, she’s honestly lovely and I do feel for her because she says he’s been so difficult lately and now with the pregnancy news he’s acting out even more.

The reason I’m posting really is because he was arrested last week. I don’t want to say too much but it was for fighting with another boy. He’s been given some kind of caution and they’re talking about maybe anger management sessions. I just feel like everything is spiralling again and I don’t know how to help DD without completely taking over.

She’s happy about the baby now, says she wants to keep it and that she loves him and he’s a good dad (I wouldn’t go that far). Grandson absolutely adores him and smiles at him whenever he’s around which I know makes DD happy. But I can’t shake the feeling that this is going to end in tears again.

I’m just rambling now but I feel so stuck. Do I step back completely and let her figure it out? Or do I keep trying to push her to see that this is not a stable situation for her and soon to be two children? I’m exhausted if I’m honest and don’t know if I’m making things worse by always being there to pick up the pieces.

How have you concluded that it’s about the father and not the baby? The actual wording is ambiguous but logic would suggest it’s about the baby. That could be incorrect, but I just don’t see how you got there.

Isn’t it saying that the three of them went out together as a family? Mum Dad and son?

You need to toughen up OP and be the adult in this situation. You are not supporting your daughter you are enabling her irresponsible and reckless behaviour. She is very nearly an adult and about to be a mother to two babies with no job, no qualifications, no house of her own and a useless drug addict bf. I would be laying down the law, the bf is banned from your house, he is a risk and a bad influence on her plus he contributes nothing. Your daughter needs to sort out her future plans. Is she just planning on living in your home with her children forever? What are her plans re her future career or education? How is she going to juggle that with her childcare responsibilities? How is she going to financially support her kids? You need to be asking these blunt questions because she is totally clueless and it’s your job to give her a reality check.

That’s how I read it yes.

I don't think it's s normal or healthy. Teens see each each other all day in school. They have no need whatsoever to be hanging around together in the evenings.

My DCs had 3-4 hours of homework every evening, and did babysitting from 13/14 on. They also did school sports, involving early morning practices and afternoon and evening meets, as well as tournaments on weekends. They brought their homework with them to evening meets and got it done during the down time between their events.

Teens where I live manage to develop into perfectly well socialised young adults without any culture of hanging out/ traipsing around in the evenings. I didn't do that either, when I was growing up. Those who did tended not to go to university.

This 😳🤦🏼‍♀️

I didn't present her as an archetypical victim. I certainly never called her amazing. They were both vulnerable.

She is not a victim of the same set of circumstances that the boy is. She's a victim of some pattern in her upbringing that has informed her terrible decision making all the same. I agree with quite a few previous posters that this girl made the decision both times to get pregnant. I also agree with a pp who suggested that there will be another baby before she's 20 even if the current BF is out of the picture.

Perhaps she has an idea that women only gain status by means of motherhood. Perhaps she sees pregnancy as a means of gaining a huge amount of attention (from HCPs, maybe friends, maybe teachers). Perhaps she really enjoys the unconditional devotion of a very young baby (she has moved on to baby #2 quite quickly). Perhaps she enjoys drama (she has certainly seen to it that there's plenty of that in her life right now). Perhaps she's an immature teenage girl who believes in fairy tales, or one who is only attracted to boys who are not emotionally or psychologically available to her.

Her boundaries are askew, regardless of the cause, and they need mending.

Well clearly your trying to be nice and supportive to her to stop her going more to him isn't working out well at all I mean she's pregnant again. Sorry but you need to toughen up and lay some rules down that should have been down a long time ago number one being he isn't allowed in the house for a start! Weed,anger,moody, violence what a dream he is and you want him in your house. You will end up losing your grandkids. One of my cousin's ended up with a guy very very similar just not in foster care. My aunt and uncle eventually realised the soft approach wasn't working and did not want to lose the 2 grandkids to foster system, so one gave up work, cousin disappeared off with the bad guy and luckily both kids are now 13and 14 and stable and happy, sadly my cousin never changed so has barely ever seen them grow up.

She needs to get an implant or there will be a baby every year.
Two children will hopefully wake her up to the situation she has created. This boy sounds like he is in a downward spiral and I have no idea what will stop him. Joining the army maybe? I feel very sad for him. The second baby really is a disaster for them both. Sadly in my job I've seen a lot of this and it's so difficult.

I thought I'd update as it's been a while since my last post. DD is now 28 weeks, her due date is a few days before she turns 18.

Things have been up and down, he still didn't seem that bothered or involved and he went about 3 days where he didn't message her at all - not even when DD was asking if he was ok, DD only told me this as she wanted me to message his foster carer to check on him. When he replied he didn't understand why DD was worried about him, he just kept saying she didn't need to worry and he was sorting his head out.

Around a month ago now DD had a scare because she had some spotting luckily everything was fine and since then her bf has started taking things more seriously, he's told DD he's stopped the weed (though I don't know how true it is). He's still not working or in education - he said he found an apprenticeship but they wouldn't take him due to no qualifications. He's still against getting his GCSEs though and says it's pointless because he'll just fail anyway

He's still not had any anger management sessions after previously agreeing but his foster carer has been talking to him about therapy and he's not given her a straight no but he is unsure but he doesn't talk about his feelings at all not even to DD so I do think it'll help if he does agree.

He's been more involved with grandson and has asked DD if he can be at the birth, I'm not sure how helpful he'll be though, he won't have long turned 17. I've spoken to DD about how a baby number 3 can't happen after this baby is born (there's no space firstly) and she's said it won't as they've agreed they don't want another baby and they want to live together first before they do decide to have another (if they do).

How is she going to stop baby no 3 from happening?

I think you need to make sure DD is on the implant, injection or has a coil fitted to avoid another pregnancy. I wouldn’t trust her to take the pill or either of them to use condoms. Of course it’s her body her choice, but you are providing a hell of a lot already for soon to be two DGC. The least she can do is agree to prevent this exact situation happening again.

I think there's only one area that you need tough love, and that's contraception.

Everything else can work itself out over time. Maybe he will even mature and become a more dependable father. Maybe she will move on from him when she has had a chance to mature and hopefully, find some success in her studies. But the one thing that can't be moved on from is her having a third baby and the balance tipping completely - ruined education, possibly/probably unable to cope and children being removed into care etc.

I would be telling her I support her all the way but she needs a contraceptive implant that I can feel in her arm (really this is the only method that you can be absolutely sure of), or I will expect her to move out and make her own living arrangements with her children. She should be making the appointment to have it inserted now, it can be done as soon as she has given birth.

I wouldn't talk about boyfriend or whether he is suitable etc. Just keep the focus on how disastrous it would be to get pregnant with a third child, which surely she can't argue with. She had a chance to manage contraception by herself and she failed so now you're taking charge and you're telling her, not asking her, it's get the implant or move out.

Please encourage her to get an implant. None of her past behaviour shows you she is diligent about contraception

Are they expecting you to pay for the baby?

As the others have said you need to get your daughter to decide a course of action regarding contraception. Her telling you they don’t plan on another til they’ve lived together isn’t good enough, it’s obvious that planning hasn’t been a thing here so far and she can get pregnant again the first time they have sex after the birth.

If she is to continue living with you I’d make it a condition she gets the bar (implant). Otherwise you will end up a tired nan, yet again.

How are they going to afford to live together?

Your daughter should not be pregnant again and needs to make sure she doesn't have another accident in future.
Unfortunately for your daughter I don't see this having a happy ending.

I think you meant to quote the original poster but yes, I agree with everything you’ve said.

Apologies, yes I did.

@TiredNanAgain are social services involved at all?
I thought they might be due to the ages and that this is the 2nd baby

Please talk to her about other contraception options, clearly the pill is not working well for her. As others have said, coil or implant.

Something has gone seriously wrong somewhere for her to be having her second baby at just 17. Wow