DD17 pregnant again and BF arrested last week

[TiredNanAgain]

Hi all, new name but I’ve posted before about my DD17, her little boy who’s just turned 1 and her BF16 who is honestly causing me to tear my hair out.

It’s been a few months since I last posted so thought I’d do an update because so much has happened since then and I could really use some advice.

DD finally told him about the pregnancy in early July. I was really hoping he would take it well but he didn’t at all. He came over to ours when grandson was having his little birthday gathering with family and a few friends and they ended up arguing in the kitchen. I still don’t know what exactly about but he stormed off mid party and went outside, next thing we know he’s punched a wall down the road and broke his hand. So that kind of ruined the day for everyone as you can imagine.

He did calm down eventually and I think after a few weeks it started to sink in. He even stopped smoking weed for a short while after finding out about the pregnancy which gave me some hope. But sadly he’s back on it now, I can smell it on him again and it just makes me worry about what sort of example he’s setting.

GCSE results day was a bit of a disaster, he failed them all. DD tried to help him revise back in spring but honestly he didn’t listen and was on his phone half the time. He hasn’t gone on to do anything education wise since, says he doesn’t want to go to college and just wants to “work” but he doesn’t have a job and I still suspect he’s dealing but no proof. He gives DD money sometimes which she just says is his allowance from foster care but surely it wouldn’t be that much.

DD is back at college now and doing really well, she loves it. Her course has a work placement next year and she’s excited for that so I really don’t want her to give that up. She is about 18 weeks now and the bump is getting obvious.

Social services know about the pregnancy and have been quite supportive but said they will need to do another assessment once baby is here. His foster carer is trying her best, she’s honestly lovely and I do feel for her because she says he’s been so difficult lately and now with the pregnancy news he’s acting out even more.

The reason I’m posting really is because he was arrested last week. I don’t want to say too much but it was for fighting with another boy. He’s been given some kind of caution and they’re talking about maybe anger management sessions. I just feel like everything is spiralling again and I don’t know how to help DD without completely taking over.

She’s happy about the baby now, says she wants to keep it and that she loves him and he’s a good dad (I wouldn’t go that far). Grandson absolutely adores him and smiles at him whenever he’s around which I know makes DD happy. But I can’t shake the feeling that this is going to end in tears again.

I’m just rambling now but I feel so stuck. Do I step back completely and let her figure it out? Or do I keep trying to push her to see that this is not a stable situation for her and soon to be two children? I’m exhausted if I’m honest and don’t know if I’m making things worse by always being there to pick up the pieces.

My one bit of advice would be MAKE SURE she has some long-term reliable contraception lined immediately after this baby is born! I would push it, practically enforce it, ideally an implant or the coil. Go with her to the appointment.

2 babies at 18 is a bit of a disaster but there’s no reason she can’t pick up the pieces, as long as she doesn’t keep getting pregnant. She’s young and they have a close age gap so they will both be at school when she’s still in her early 20s. If she sticks at college (and it looks as though nursery is funded for this) and gets her qualifications then the future will be much better.

This notion that you can't force your DD to do anything is what has led the OP into this mess.
Best for the baby to be adopted, really.

Very true, she needs to get an IUD or a mirena or an implant. If she cannot be consistent with the pill, as its too risky to see if she'll take it every day.

I'd be getting her away from him if she cannot she why he's bad for her, she clearly doesn't prioritise the welfare of her children. I'm glad she's continued on with her education, it's great she has the support of a nursery.

UC claimants get 85% of their childcare funded - funding is now available for 9 month olds + now which is amazing. I think anything that supports families to work is a good thing and nursery is really beneficial for children in less than ideal social situations . So what if it’s taxpayer funded ? I for one am glad if that’s where my taxes go to either help working parents or ones such as OP dd who are trying really hard to get educated and have a future.

There are many options and forced abortion or adoption are really not going to get the best long term outcomes for anyone involved.

What a shitshow. Just failed all his GCSE’s and about to become a father for the second time.
Dear God.

@pmtorpmdd

I am sooooooo NOT glad my taxes go on stuff like this when the NHS is the underfunded shit show it is.

No 17 year old of mine with a one year old would have had the opportunity to get pregnant again! What a total shit show for everyone. You have two choices, parent EVERYONE yourself or make your daughter homeless so she can go it alone. I wouldn’t be letting that ‘boy’ anywhere near my house ever again!

again?

He is 16 in foster care, the expectations are way too high and unrealistic. I can't understand getting pregnant for him AGAIN. It's unfair to both of them. He does not have the skills to be a good father, he doesn't even know how to be a good child.

All you can do is a be a supportive ear to DD, you dont need to be harsh but she does have to start being much more responsible for her own life and decisions. If she's gotten pregnant again clearly she thinks it's ok and can manage leave her to it. Offer her 1/2 babysitting days a month and thats it.

Obviously you can't force her to get contraception but you should make it very clear she has to or she has to move out.

If it's too late for a termination then I think it would be easier of the Father was out of all of your lives. Easier said than done I know but it's probably the only way to salvage this situation.

It's good that DD is keen to continue with college. I would encourage that and help out as much as you are able to whilst both of you look into what help she can receive, funded nursery care etc etc.

It's absolutely vital that DD doesn't fall pregnant again, or at least not for a very long time. I'd also do everything you can to encourage as high a level of contraception as you can.

You might know the phrase, if you're going through hell, keep going. This will pass and things will get better. Wishing you lots of luck.

I understand but I think funded nursery so young parents can be in education or employment is a positive. The alternative being they just sit at home on (taxpayer funded) benefits and I have no way to actually try and better their situation.

If OPs daughter wasn’t receiving nursery hours that would mean no college and ultimately being stuck at a dead-end completely. At least she has the opportunity to improve her and her babies lives (she just needs to take it)

I remember your last post and my advice is still the same. Be really honest with social services about what help you can provide so that they've got the most accurate picture of the situation. You appealed to your daughter to do the right thing and she didn't do it, now we need social services to step in and do the right thing.

Until that point, you have to be the parent here even if it makes you unpopular. I say this as someone who was born to a completely disinterested 17 year old. My grandparents sometimes say to me that they interfered and wish they hadn't and my reply to them is simple - if you hadn't, I would never have made it to adulthood.

Without help with nursery funding there would be hundreds of thousands of families unable to work or continue education. ? I say families but in the vast majority it would be mothers ? Then you have all those people economically and educationally inactive and that will be a bigger problem . The nhs is a separate issue .

It's easy to paint the father to be the irresponsible one, but this is a troubled kid living in foster care – god only knows what his home life was like before he ended up there. OP seems to be annoyed that he's struggling to step up for his kids, but where's the accountability for her DD getting pregnant twice by a boy who was underage the first time round?

Problem is, the 1yo, the unborn baby, the 16yo and the 17yo are all children.

My son is 16 and the thought of him being a dad to two kids makes my brain melt. And he's a good kid who does well at school and doesn't drink or smoke weed (and also unlikely to be getting anyone pregnant, although I suppose you never know!)

OP, it's too late to turn back time but you need to stand up to your daughter now or she's going to have 5 kids - all of which you look after - by the time she's 20. You really do need to grow a pair and lay down the law. I would also be telling her in no uncertain terms that I am not going to be an unpaid childminder for two kids, and point her in the direction of getting benefits and a flat of her own. Children having children is never a good idea.

They were 14 and 15 when grandson was conceived, I didn't find out until she was 5 months gone, he'd blocked her and they weren't together when he was born. She was doing well without him but suddenly they were back together again and I think he's dragging her down.

She'd been on the pill since he was born and I thought she was being careful but obviously not. I asked why they didn't use condoms as well as the pill and she said he refused.

I do look after grandson occasionally when DD does coursework in the evenings and a few hours maybe 1 or 2 Saturdays a month when she sees friends but not every Saturday and DD does everything else, feeds him and makes his meals, baths him and bedtime etc etc. I'm wondering if she lied about seeing friends and instead was seeing him, otherwise I have no idea how they even had chance for her to get pregnant again.

I can't encourage adoption or abortion though. That'd completely ruin our relationship and I'm the only family she has. Her dad passed away when she was younger and they weren't close anyway as he lived over 3 hours away so most of it was over the phone.

Exactly.

exactly.

16 year struggling and self medicating with weed...and everyone shocked he's not a good parent. And she's gone back there again.

she needs to leave him alone. Visitation with the foster parent present is fine.

HE is not dragging her down. She comes from a stable home life and keeps seeking out this troubled young man. She should stop, they're both irresponsible

Why are you being so weak in protecting your child from herself?

Why didn't you tell her - and social services - that you will not be looking after another baby under any circumstances?

If you won't encourage adoption you will have to look after the babies yourself, or have them taken into care, or get her away from this man.
What other options are there?

Sending love OP, you’re having to make so many small decisions constantly to manage this.
I have found it incredibly helpful to set up a private chat gpt account (anonymous email and I use Brave as a browser on my phone) to give me live coaching to help me deal with my very complicated teenager and family dynamics. Sometimes he’ll be having a meltdown and I’ll pop to the toilet and tel chat GPT what’s happening and always get very grounding and sensible responses.
im really into schema therapy so ask it to frame things through this lens, there has been much insight into where I can improve my parenting, as well as understanding my teenagers reactions. It’s been invaluable. I’m also seeing an actual therapist at the moment, I’ve discussed the advice with her and she says it’s excellent. So I recommend this as practical help for you

Have you considered getting your daughter some counseling? Her life choices reveal serious lack of self-esteem and good sense.

Also, do put in place some boundaries with her - if she lives in your house she needs to follow some rules (unstable BF out of the door, contraception, focus on education etc). I appreciate that it is harder to do than say, but sadly with your kindness, you are enabling this awful situation, and ofcourse it won't end well. Although I'm not sure how much worse it can get!

I remember your first post - they had got back together after splitting when she said she was pregnant. I did wonder if she got pregnant on purpose the second time, to “keep” the BF. The BF may be wondering this too.

Because the best chance these children have is for their mother to get an education and training in order to get a good job and support herself. Far better that she works than spends the next five years out of employment - she'll never get back into it.