Pregnant 16 yo DD has ran away with her 23 yo 'boyfriend'

[AppleUnderSwan]

My daughter told us last week that she is pregnant and intends to keep the baby. She's 16 and, while we would support her parenting if that's what she really wanted, were uneasy about this and thought she was naive to the extent of the responsibility that would come with raising a child. However, she was extremely unwilling to have these conversations. Also, I started waking her up in the night every 2 hours, since a baby would do this and I wanted to give her some idea about that was like. However, unfortunately I think that was a mistake and made her resentful. She thinks I'm a 'psycho.' We also found out that the baby's dad is 23 and, obviously, we were extremely concerned about this and didn't want her spending time with him. We didn't know about his age before, we assumed she was seeing someone from school. She insists he's "mature, kind and respectful" and that they’ve only recently started seeing each other. Apparently they met through mutual friends at a party. She says "age is just a number" and is adamant that I’m overreacting. She claims that because he's supportive of her keeping the baby, this 'proves' that he is a good guy and has a good character. She also says that she's above the age of consent and can date whoever she wants. Well, last night she left to go and stay with him in his own flat. Obviously, we are extremely concerned and want her to come home. She has texted to say she's ok and is 'happy to meet in a public place so long as we fully accept that she's keeping the baby and she has chosen to live with him.' What is the best thing for us to do in this situation?

I don’t think anyone is going to be able to explain it to you because you have convinced yourself it was okay. But a mid 30s man going after a teenager is stomach churning. Would you be okay with your children at 17 dating a 34 year old?
Emmanuel Macron will also say he was a mature 15 year old, knew what he was doing, pursued his 39 year old future wife but that doesn’t make it remotely okay for her to have engaged in that relationship and the fact they are married now makes no difference.

But this is just one definition of how a life should look and the order experiences should be done in. It's not a universal definition. And it is a definition that assumes a level of financing and options that many teens now don't have even if they would have had them twenty or thirty years ago.

I think the way you're suggesting that this should be done by OP, a bare minimum of practical support infused with rage and resentment and grudge and contempt, is exactly the kind of thing that wrecks a parent's relationship with their kid without in any way changing the choices they make. Plus it's probably self-fulfilling, because a certain kind of teen would be way more likely to have a baby if they could see that it was making their parent very angry and upset and especially if there was another place they could go where they weren't experiencing that reaction. I do actually agree with you that it's very early to have a baby and will make lots of things harder, but it won't make them impossible and I think there are ways of having that conversation without being a bullying parent.

Did you pressure/encourage her into an abortion?

I'm not suggesting it's a good idea to have a baby at 16. It's more about the way this is handled and, at the end of the day, you can't force her.

Fair enough but there are ways of doing that. You catch more flies with sugar than vinegar.

It is arguably more important to have understanding of how the world works before having the vote. I think it's a silly idea to give 16 year olds the vote. 16 year olds having babies happens all the time.

Not really. Many people are pig ignorant about politics. But a 16 year old can arguably make as much of a choice on who to vote for as an adult.
And yes some teens do have babies. Generally those babies will be more likely to grow up in poverty, less likely to have good educational opportunities and more likely to become teen parents themselves.

😂😂😂😂😂😂😂

Have you met people? The majority have no idea how anything works.

EG the person interviewed the day after the brexit referendum who “didn’t realise my vote would count”. Or the person recently on a local (Welsh) hub who had no idea that we had a devolved government (it’s been 26 years) and that the Prime Minister was not responsible for emptying the rubbish bins in the area. 🤯

Not the ones I know.

Right well I don’t know who you know obviously but this is backed by research evidence. You only need to do a quick google to find out what disadvantages a child raised by a teen mum faces. It could be affected by pre-existing factors like class as it’s rare for a girl from an affluent or middle class family to keep her baby if she does become pregnant. The ones who are already disadvantaged are much more likely to go through with the pregnancy.

My school friend got pregnant at 16. It was a scandal back then. She left to move into a single bedsit with her 22 year old bf. Everyone said it wouldn't last but she's been married to him for over 40 years now. They went on to have 2 other DC. Sometimes it can workout.

If she does terminate or miscarries for whatever reason I can guarantee that the relationship with her mother will be broken. Whether the dd vents her feelings or not there will be resentment.
In her mind she will blame her mother for not giving her support and blame the miscarriage on being woken every 2 hours and putting her under stress.

Sometimes I think people need to think about what their actions might cause the other person to do and not think “If I do this then this will happen because that is what I think should happen”
It is hard if you are absolutely convinced that you are correct and can’t see or feel what your words and actions have on someone.

Sometimes you have to adapt fast to new realities and not immediately give into anger and the “I will show her how stupid she is” mentality
That is never going to have a good outcome.

I doubt this girl had thought about the future beyond telling her mother. Support and unbroken sleep from her would have given her the space to think clearly and plan the future.
Instead of driving her out of her home to get the support and sleep she needed from someone else.

I totally agree @FairKoala

Agree 100%

I find it odd that the DD had a boyfriend and her mum didn't know. DD was always pretty open with me about who she was seeing. It probably made a difference in that we are rural and she relied on me for lifts to various friends' houses. The buses in our village only go to the two nearest towns and don't go to the other villages.

OP I can imagine right now your daughter is feeling really frightened, she is masking it with her attitude but deep down she will be scared and worried. Support, support, support, as much as you don't want her to be pregnant, she is and she needs you. It's perfectly understandable for you to also feel worried, but try not to relay that onto her, and it's normal to be realistic with her as well because if she proceeds with the pregnancy then life is going to be hard for her even with the boyfriend on the scene (I don't believe his flatmate is going to want to share a home with a new born baby), keep communicating even if she stays at the boyfriends, and you text her just to check she is ok. If the boyfriend's family are welcoming her then that's ok, better that than they be dismissive or uninterested, you need to be same towards him (even if it sticks in the throat as it were). This is a long journey your daughter and you are going on and it's not going to be easy, you know that but with your support she will get there, good luck hope it all works out.

Has anyone said that tactic was sensible? It isn't but neither is the "ooh, a baby is always a joy, let's make cute pictures" piffle.

I think there are 16 year old mums who are quite happy being a mum or don’t know any different or just don’t have the support and guidance to have a different life and there are those who want more for themselves and their child and have the confidence or support or intelligence to go after that life.

Yes there will be more 16year old mums who won’t have a life that is deemed financially secure or won’t have a life that is full of travel and experiencing new things but whilst statistics show this I wonder if you dug deeper how many have tried to change their life and failed and how many haven’t bothered and are quite happy living as they do

Just because the path of GCSE’s A levels, gap year University isn’t travelled doesn’t mean these things are what everyone should do and if they don’t they will fail

If anything by the time most people who followed the “right path” are ready to settle down and have children and are facing years of getting a deposit together for a mortgage, paying a mortgage + childcare fees and possible ivf. Some of those 16year olds who became mothers are facing the job market with the same qualifications having got their degree whilst dc were at school and children who don’t even need wrap around care.
They can work without having had sleepless nights and their salary is for them. They have probably bought a place with their partner and traded up to a house for much less money than the 30+ year olds ftb’s are having to spend.
Overall they have more disposable income than their “sensible” peers. Even those on benefits are more relaxed than those working to pay inflated mortgages because they needed a bigger house as a ftb to fit their growing family in and nursery fees x 1, 2 or 3 children

How has waking her dd up every 2 hours to teach her the reality of having a baby worked out

Who said that? Nobody on this thread.

I think now you just have to take the comments about his mum being supportive on the chin, just try and keep the lines of contact open. Don’t give advice unless she asks for it. Just try and keep her talking to you, let her know she’s always welcome to come home.
The realities will probably kick in for the boyfriend soon enough. It’s highly unlikely his friend will want to keep renting with him, living with a 16 year old and a baby. So they will have to move and he will be paying for everything. Rent/bills etc and as your daughter has left education it’s unlikely she’ll be able to get a well paying job in the next few years. Of course there are benefits and UC but that’s not an easy option and the wait list for council housing is large. And imagine the pisstake his friends will do about him getting a 16 year old pregnant. It might work out but you need to keep communication open for the likely chance it won’t.

Devonshiregal · Yesterday 22:00
ItsFridayIminLoveJS · Today 02:28

Were the most egregious.

Threads like this explain why the Stately Homes thread is always so active

Does the 23 yr old have other children?

I agree about u being ott in the wake up calls, and I agree you should keep communicating. But I'd be worried and would check on social media whether they were dating legally.....a jump to we haven't been dating long and I am over the age of consent seemed either knee jerk due to your questions or a deliberate act to draw your attention away from any negativity (true or otherwise).
Good luck
.....my OH friend was in a similar position, it didn't work out, her daughter +1 returned and to cap it all there were 3 other young single mums in the same situation (but he was over the moon with each pregnancy 👀😳)... it's highly unlikely your situation will end the same way.