Pregnant 16 yo DD has ran away with her 23 yo 'boyfriend'

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My daughter told us last week that she is pregnant and intends to keep the baby. She's 16 and, while we would support her parenting if that's what she really wanted, were uneasy about this and thought she was naive to the extent of the responsibility that would come with raising a child. However, she was extremely unwilling to have these conversations. Also, I started waking her up in the night every 2 hours, since a baby would do this and I wanted to give her some idea about that was like. However, unfortunately I think that was a mistake and made her resentful. She thinks I'm a 'psycho.' We also found out that the baby's dad is 23 and, obviously, we were extremely concerned about this and didn't want her spending time with him. We didn't know about his age before, we assumed she was seeing someone from school. She insists he's "mature, kind and respectful" and that they’ve only recently started seeing each other. Apparently they met through mutual friends at a party. She says "age is just a number" and is adamant that I’m overreacting. She claims that because he's supportive of her keeping the baby, this 'proves' that he is a good guy and has a good character. She also says that she's above the age of consent and can date whoever she wants. Well, last night she left to go and stay with him in his own flat. Obviously, we are extremely concerned and want her to come home. She has texted to say she's ok and is 'happy to meet in a public place so long as we fully accept that she's keeping the baby and she has chosen to live with him.' What is the best thing for us to do in this situation?

But it's already happened. The daughter is pregnant and the OP can't force her to have an abortion or lock her up like they could in the 1940s and 50s. Yes, she will have different experiences and maybe she will be happy with that. I never wanted to go 'travelling' anyway.

It is what it is and the OP can either cut her off and never have anything more to do with her or take a more practical attitude of damage limitation.

She can have a frank chat with her though and be brutally honest about the reality. She doesn’t have to pretend it’s a good thing. She can also say that she will not be doing endless childcare and that the DD will need to at some point find her own flat, apply for benefits etc.

No, she can refuse to have anything to do with her but she can't force her to have an abortion and she can't turn back time.

She can only do that if she remains on good terms or she will drive her daughter further away. She doesn't have to pretend she's happy about it..

No rose tinted glasses here, it's far from ideal, but the only way forward is what is practical. You can stamp your feet and be cross all you like but it doesn't change anything.

Realistically the daughter has nowhere to go though does she? Soon the flatmate will be back from holiday and that will be the end of that arrangement. Maybe her bf’s parents will let her live there for a bit but as soon as the relationship with their son breaks down (which let’s face it, it will), that won’t be viable. Temporary council accommodation is grim. She will need to come home and face reality at some point so if I was the OP I wouldn’t be trying too hard to appease her and I’d continue to stress to her how hard it will be and how she will be doing this herself. I’d also point out the sorts of jobs she will be restricted to if she only has GCSEs and how hard it is to budget on limited money. Maybe walk around an area of council flats so that she can see the environment she will be raising this child in. Meanwhile the boyfriend will be able to live his life unencumbered apart from maybe paying a bit of child support.

Well a dose of reality might make the DD see sense and terminate. You do get a lot of teens who initially say they are keeping it and then change their minds. Sadly you get some who realise too late that they don’t actually want to do this but there’s nothing that can be done about it.

Maybe she lives on a council estate now, many people do. It's not the end of the world or a dire consequence to be seen as punishment. It's everyday reality for lots of people.

I said above she will very likely return home when the bf's friend returns but how does the OP want that to go? What kind of relationship does she want to have? Those are decisions that she needs to think about.

Who said anything about stamping my feet. I would be clear I will not be providing childcare. If she wants a baby, it's 100% her responsibility.

And a rational discussion might well help her to realise that and make the decision for herself. That would probably be the best idea but the OP has been going about it the wrong way. She can't force her and so far she has only set up further resistance from the daughter.

Like a Victorian patriarch. Never darken my doorstep again. If that's what the OP wants so be it.

Well yes but part of the problem in this country is lack of social mobility. If you grow up on a council estate your life chances are statistically reduced. But you are right that if you grow up in that environment then getting pregnant at 16 isn’t seen as the end of the world which is why I suspect she doesn’t currently live in a place where that is considered to be the norm. It’s also the grind of living in poverty which is basically what living on benefits is. Many adults wouldn’t want to bring a child into a world where they have to grow up in poverty. She doesn’t even want to do A-levels. It’s not like she’s got some plan to finish her education and try to get the best job she can so that her child can thrive. That alone highlights her immaturity.

I don't think anyone who has commented on this thread thinks that this is a great thing for the OP's daughter. It's absolutely not an ideal situation.
But what is important is moving forward and making sure the OP's daughter is supported in the best way possible. With the right support she can make an informed decision and the OP can try to helpher daughter make good choices. She may or may not decide to keep the baby but that should be her choice.
People make all kinds of life choices that I wouldn't personally have chosen, it doesn't make them better than me or vice versa. It makes us different and that's how things are.
Thankfully, the days when parents could force their pregnant daughters to give up their babies or have abortions are gone.

I think when the daughter has her booking in appointment with the midwife the reality might start to sink in.

No but make it clear that when her mates are out clubbing and having fun every weekend, you will not be babysitting. You will not be taking the baby for her so that she can lie in. You will not be doing night feeds so that she can sleep. All things that this girl might not have thought about or might naively assume her mum will do for her.

Ridiculous hyperbole.

Exactly. It's the daughter's choice to have a baby. It's up to her to look after it.

But what is important is moving forward and making sure the OP's daughter is supported in the best way possible. With the right support she can make an informed decision and the OP can try to help her daughter make good choices.

That's really just a load of platitudes. What is "supported in the best way possible" even mean?

Op asked for advice and I've offered it in a way that tried to find a middle ground between ops needs and her dds needs.

Plenty of adult women being babies into the world in vulnerable positions. Yet here she's been called silly and not clever and unlikely to be a good mother because she's 16 and her boyfriend is older. Yet no real recognition that she may have been exploited and be a victim in this. We're awfully good at judging teenage parents.

When my sister became a parent and gave birth at 17 she lived at home until her 18th birthday. She got a job, her dd went to nursery and at 18 moved into her own tenancy. She then proceeded to put herself through 2 degrees. My mum doesn't do childcare. She didn't pay through the nose for everything, my sister saved her money for the baby and got everything she needed second hand. My mum made many disparaging remarks against my sister and make her disapproval crystal clear. It made it much, much harder for my sister to disclose the rape and domestic abuse she'd been experiencing. Her and my mum don't really have much of a relationship now funnily enough and my sister has been through extensive counselling. Her kids are both fantastic and well mannered and raised and I have also worked with many young single parents with limited family support who have done really well and are excellent parents.

Obviously some struggle. But then so do many adults lots of support. Having less support just makes it harder. But let's not bandy about extreme terms like the pp who told op that Ops "life is now completely fucked".

Yet no real recognition that she may have been exploited and be a victim in this.

There were several posters who pointed that out but they were then criticised for questioning the age.

I also think the reality hasn’t clicked in yet for dd, she’s just finished GCSEs she’s pregnant and all her friends are around, come September when everyone’s life returns to normal and they all move on to college and apprenticeships, her bf flatmate gets home from holiday she’s going to feel very lonely.

No, it's really not. It's about acknowledging that the OP has limited control here. Her dd has already gone off to stay with this man. He may or may not be exploiting this young girl.
If I was the OP I would very much want to take control of things, but in all honesty, you can't. But by getting her dd back on side and showing support she can be there for her and possibly influence or at least advise. She may even be able to find out more about this man and that will be very helpful.
If you lose that relationship with the dd you become very powerless. That's why I say you need to support however you can. This situation has a lot of play left in it yet, there is no need to burn bridges this early.

Why ?

But she IS doing it. So it IS going to be hard. She IS going to experience all these hard bits. She IS going to realise it was tougher than she thought and that she’s missing out on tonnes of stuff.

And she’s going to cry and scream and feel sorry for herself. She’s going to make mistakes and have regrets. But she IS going to have a baby. And one day, she’ll be an adult with a grown up child. And the way her mum treats her now will impact how she looks back on the pregnancy, birth and early years of her FIRST BABY.

That’s a magical thing, your first baby. Just because you think she shouldn’t be having it at 16, doesn’t make it less of a magical thing. And if her mum was a judgy cow who was constantly making her feel stupid and telling her how hard it will be she will just look back and remember that.

She will remember how she missed out on sharing HER pregnancy and HER baby experience free of shame because her mum thought it was more important to relentlessly give her opinion. And we all know, mothers can give an opinion without actually stating it. The looks, the huffs, the sighs, the eyebrow raises. They all cast a cloud.

And right now, the one person in the world whose opinion actually matters the most to her (whether she admits it or not) is her mother.

So unless op thinks that she is actually going to convince her daughter to terminate the pregnancy (and that’s a whole other mother/daughter issue) by going along with the practical stuff but only doing so with a scowl on her face and a finger wag then sure. But if the girl is going ahead I suggest the mum doesn’t make herself the one to try to prove what a mistake she’s making. Because that mistake is about to become the most important person in the world to her daughter.

And I can tell op from experience that all the practical and financial support she gives will mean nothing if it doesn’t come with emotional support. And if the guy’s mother doesn’t offer a penny but is emotionally supportive, I hope op doesn’t sit there going ohh but IIIIII bought all the baby stuff and IIIIII helped her do xyz. A hug and a bit of genuine excitement will go so far it will reach in to the future.

I really don't think the rest of the world does. Nobody seems to be able to explain why it's gross and disgusting.,