Pregnant 16 yo DD has ran away with her 23 yo 'boyfriend'

[AppleUnderSwan]

My daughter told us last week that she is pregnant and intends to keep the baby. She's 16 and, while we would support her parenting if that's what she really wanted, were uneasy about this and thought she was naive to the extent of the responsibility that would come with raising a child. However, she was extremely unwilling to have these conversations. Also, I started waking her up in the night every 2 hours, since a baby would do this and I wanted to give her some idea about that was like. However, unfortunately I think that was a mistake and made her resentful. She thinks I'm a 'psycho.' We also found out that the baby's dad is 23 and, obviously, we were extremely concerned about this and didn't want her spending time with him. We didn't know about his age before, we assumed she was seeing someone from school. She insists he's "mature, kind and respectful" and that they’ve only recently started seeing each other. Apparently they met through mutual friends at a party. She says "age is just a number" and is adamant that I’m overreacting. She claims that because he's supportive of her keeping the baby, this 'proves' that he is a good guy and has a good character. She also says that she's above the age of consent and can date whoever she wants. Well, last night she left to go and stay with him in his own flat. Obviously, we are extremely concerned and want her to come home. She has texted to say she's ok and is 'happy to meet in a public place so long as we fully accept that she's keeping the baby and she has chosen to live with him.' What is the best thing for us to do in this situation?

Universities, graduate schemes and workplaces are full of people who went back to school as adults and excelled. The limiting thing here is your misunderstanding about the options available after people leave school.

Interesting that 4 months ago she was hiding her creepy BF …. Obv she was aware the age creepiness.

I used to work with an organization supporting young mums. They, yes, every one, was clueless about everything having to do with pregnancy, nutrition, substances, baby care, education, jobs, money & on and on. Many had fantastical ideas & were planning the “good life” … Gucci, acrylics, Ibiza, spray tan and the baby wearing Burberry…

I wish your daughter luck.

I think around 7 weeks

Don’t be so utterly ridiculous.

Why would do you think he will walk away ?

They haven't been together very long.

Why do you think he won't?

Lol you reckon he will stick by her and they will get married or something? 😂 then I have a bridge to sell you.

Probably was a normal phase but she screwed up and got pregnant so unfortunately it’s a phase that will now impact her whole life. BUT, that being said, it’s a baby. Babies are lovely and you’re going to have a new member of the family. If you carry on with any HINT of the disapproving, controlling attitude you went in with you are going to drive a wedge between you so far you’ll likely not recover. Your only job now is to slap a smile on your face and be the best grandmother you could ask for. That means getting excited and coo-ey over baby stuff. It means making memory books and taking photos of her with fruits the size of the baby. It means not asking “what are you plans” or “well when the baby’s here how do you think…” . It means smiling when this gross man who inpregnated your 16 year old daughter is an annoying idiot. It means asking to meet his parents and being the most easy going, welcoming person in the world. And then…when she decides he’s an arsehole in 5 years time, she is free to come home. Otherwise she will be stuck in that relationship because she made decision against your will to be in it, and her pride and shame won’t let her admit to you she was wrong.

What other services? So long as she was 16 at conception and doesn’t flag any major SS issues (and it’s unlikely since she comes from a ‘normal’ background) then what other agencies do you expect to get involved?

Of course you can go back and do your degree and get that qualification. I’ve taught countless students who have done this. However you do not get those freedom years of no responsibilities, living with friends, planning your life, going travelling, world at your feet if you become a parent at 16. You just don’t.

Exh and I were together 6 weeks before we got a place and moved in together. We got married around 6 weeks later and were together 40 years

Albeit with good intentions and obviously in the midst of a real shock OP you reacted very badly and I think it was incredibly poor form to bully and harass a scared pregnant 16 year old by waking them 2 hourly to try and drive home how unequipped they are for parenting.. that's the equivalent of trying to bully someone into an abortion or adoption they don't want. Absolutely bat shittery and I can't even imagine how that must have made her feel.

I think you actually owe her an apology for how you reacted to this news. An apology that doesn't center on how her news shocked you etc but taking proper accountability for your poor reaction and how it would have impacted on her.

Then you need to make it really clear that you love her, that you want to support her whatever she decides to do and that your door will always be open to her and that you will be more in control of yourself going forwards and will handle things better.

My mum also reacted horrendously to my sisters pregnancy (same age) and that reaction did scar their relationship for a long time. But what helped my mum was going for therapy in order to deal with her own feelings over what was happening so she could be available in a better way to my sister so I would recommend that.

No more bad mouthing the boyfriend- I completely agree that he's probably a creep and I wouldn't be comfortable with that age gap either, but the more you criticise him the more defensive of him she will get and the harder it will be for her to admit she was wrong when it goes south. You don't want to make this a hill to die on, you need to take the pressure off. No doubt she's told him what's happened so if he's controlling he'll be trying to convince her against you.

I'd suggest they both come over to visit for dinner so you can meet him, or offer to call round with a care package for her. You're going to have to put in the leg work here and swallow your pride and frustration to mend these bridges.

You can be supportive of your pregnant daughter without cooing over baby stuff or taking stupid fruit pictures. Do not encourage her delusions that this will be easy. You can go to scans and help her get support but don’t lead the way with getting excited about the baby. Because it’s not exciting that she’s doing this. It’s not a good decision.

And it is so much easier when you don't have the responsibilities of parenthood and other ties.

I really don't want to stick the boot in. But waking her every 2 hours is just ridiculous! Have some empathy. Shes 16, pregnant, and is probably struggling with it all. I can't imagine doing something so pointless and cruel to my daughter. She needs your support. She'll discover the sleepless nights without your input.
Its no wonder shes gone to stay with the boyfriend. You lost all control and probably respect when you did that to her.

Sure well I think there’s more chance of me winning the Euro Millions than this charmer sticking around. Of course he won’t.

It’s a decision, good or bad. I found being positive made it much easier to speak to my 16 year old. By sharing the good bits I was able to open dialogue about less pleasant things.

That’s a good response from her though… it will take time. She does still want you in her life atm. Go with an open mind - even if you do a Claire’s law etc without her knowledge (I think you may be able to do that). Tread carefully and just take some time to get to know the BF. You may be proven right, or you may be pleasantly surprised.

Please don’t alienate her, as you’ll not get to see your GC or your daughter.

If you’ve the urge to say something think before you say it - maybe take a sip of coffee or water and think it over in your head before it comes out of your mouth. I hope it goes well tomorrow.

It’s tricky OP, I will say the wakening her up every 2 hours wasn’t ideal but I’m sure if you apologise and offer your daughter support then it is a start. As for the boyfriend I’d be hiring a hit man. He’s a grown man with his own flat and she is 16 and in my eyes they still a child I know she’s not under age for sex but still she’s barely out of school!! I’d honestly kill him with my bare hands but it wouldn’t help the situation you’re in right now. X

It neither was nor is 'gross' or disgusting. I was a big grown up girl, working, and he wasn't my first boyfriend. We dated a year or so, lived together for a while to save for marriage and a house.
Why would any of that be gross or disgusting ?

Because he was in his mid 30s and you were 17? I get that you don’t see it but the rest of the world does. It’s gross.

I’m so surprised by these responses.

It sounds as though the majority of people on this thread will happily support their teenage daughters pregnancy and not show any concerns, no shock and nothing but encouragement?!!

OP is in shock, perhaps even more so than the daughter. OP wants the best for her, she doesn’t want her to be tied down aged 16, with an older guy she barely knows.

The waking her up every 2 hours thing might sound daft, but a desperate and concerned mother thought that in doing so, her daughter MIGHT think twice. Ok, we know this wasn’t the best way to go around it but if her daughter isn’t willing to listen to any concerns or advice then I suppose OP was going to have to try something.

I feel for all involved in a situation like this. I hope you can work through it with her OP.

OP you said "she has texted to say she's ok and is 'happy to meet in a public place so long as we fully accept that she's keeping the baby and she has chosen to live with him.' What is the best thing for us to do in this situation?".

It's a difficult situation and I'm afraid I'm going to say that perhaps you need some support or counselling beyond Mumsnet.

As for your daughter, she does have the right to keep the baby and to move out now she's 16. She's also setting boundaries with you as to what she is prepared to talk to you about which you need to acknowledge and respect.

As for the meeting tomorrow my initial response would be to focus on repairing the relationship, apologise profusely for the waking up. Listen to her and do the utmost to try to understand.

You aren't responsible for what choices she is making. You are responsible for yours.

I hope it goes as well as it can go in the circumstances. X

I certainly don't expect OP to be jumping with joy, but bad reactions pushing teenagers away and further into the situation being disapproved of isn't new.

Making sure she knows her options, and has considered the life long impact becoming a parent has, is just responsible. But you can do that without bullying or trying to force one "choice".