Pregnant 16 yo DD has ran away with her 23 yo 'boyfriend'

[AppleUnderSwan]

My daughter told us last week that she is pregnant and intends to keep the baby. She's 16 and, while we would support her parenting if that's what she really wanted, were uneasy about this and thought she was naive to the extent of the responsibility that would come with raising a child. However, she was extremely unwilling to have these conversations. Also, I started waking her up in the night every 2 hours, since a baby would do this and I wanted to give her some idea about that was like. However, unfortunately I think that was a mistake and made her resentful. She thinks I'm a 'psycho.' We also found out that the baby's dad is 23 and, obviously, we were extremely concerned about this and didn't want her spending time with him. We didn't know about his age before, we assumed she was seeing someone from school. She insists he's "mature, kind and respectful" and that they’ve only recently started seeing each other. Apparently they met through mutual friends at a party. She says "age is just a number" and is adamant that I’m overreacting. She claims that because he's supportive of her keeping the baby, this 'proves' that he is a good guy and has a good character. She also says that she's above the age of consent and can date whoever she wants. Well, last night she left to go and stay with him in his own flat. Obviously, we are extremely concerned and want her to come home. She has texted to say she's ok and is 'happy to meet in a public place so long as we fully accept that she's keeping the baby and she has chosen to live with him.' What is the best thing for us to do in this situation?

like @Tothink , I am very surprised at the attitude accepting a grandchild as a fait accompli and insisting the OP ‘respect’ her daughter’s‘decision/choice’. Silly little girls like this are very lucky to live somewhere termination is an option. Sure, she can consent to sex. That doesn’t mean the OP has to consent to raising a grandchild.

Has OP been asked to raise a grandchild ?

Give it a few months, dearie…

Your behaviour has been shocking.

There’s not much you can do apart from support her. The more you keep pushing her, the more she’ll pull away. I’m sure the boyfriends parents aren’t too happy, but maybe they realise they if they keep going on at him about the situation, he’ll pull away from them.

This is completely terrible advice because how long do you continue this for? Who are you to decide this is not a good decision for OPs DD who you don't even know?

At the end of the day there is eventually going to be a baby if that's what ops dd decides and what you really, really want is to encourage the mother to be informed, yes, but also excited and actively encouraging that excitement so she bonds well with her baby before and after baby arrives. This helps protect ops dd against pnd, it helps her navigate those really hard early days in pregnancy and all the judgement she'll receive and ultimately safeguards the real life baby that will eventually come along.

Refusing to get excited about your grandchild because you don't agree with your dd continuing with a pregnancy which is ultimately HER choice and making your feeling on it continously clear will isolate her and make it harder for her to bond and increase her risk of poor maternal mental health. It will also drive her away from OP and make her even more invested in this 23 yo and his family.

At 16, OP doesn't automatically have a right to be in her DDs medical appointments. If OP is not supportive or able to find any excitement she may also find herself unwelcome in those scans you mention where her dd may need actual real support.

So far I'm hearing that ops dd has left the family home due to lack of support and op is not being in any way asked to raise a grandchild. At this point with the damage to their relationship thus far the question is whether op can do enough to repair the relationship to be involved with her grandchild.

"Silly little girls like this" a 16 year old and a 23 year old and you really can't see any risk of exploitation or control here? What a misogynistic, nasty attitude to take.

My God it’s rough being a parent isn’t it.

Your 16 year old being pregnant realistically means that you are also having a baby. It’s going to hugely impact your life. Your finances. Your freedom.

And yet we are required to plaster on a smile and get on with things. Lest we upset the mother to be. Because then she can just disappear from your life and you’ll lose your beloved child (and grandchild) and everyone will know what a dreadful parent you are. Because you reacted in a less-than-ideal way to being told you were having a baby.

Can you not see that ops dd is struggling and in a very vulnerable position right now?

All people are advocating is that op finds a way to manage her own emotions in a way that doesn't put them on her dd and further damage their relationship which op says wasn't great in the first place.

Who do you think is more important in this situation? The vulnerable 16 yo who's pregnant, hormonal, has run away from home and is now living with a 23 year old... or op who's an adult, presumably has a support network of some description around her? Is ops need to express her disappointment more important than the safety and wellbeing of her dd right now? Or does op seek out her source of support elsewhere so she can process her emotions and be upset without putting that onto her vulnerable dd who has enough shit to deal with at the present moment?

Of course I can see that. Of course the welfare of the daughter is paramount.

But this is a situation that the OP has had no part in. She didn’t cause this pregnancy. Her daughter and her boyfriend caused this and now the daughter is exercising her right to choose not to terminate this pregnancy and fuck the OP and the absolutely massive impact it’s going to have on her life. She doesnt get a say. It’s a selfish choice. I’m not here to say whether it’s right or wrong but it’s selfish by its definition.

It’s not about the OP’s “right” to express her disappointment. But the OP is not wrong to feel it and do you know what? Not everyone responds perfectly in a crisis. Not everyone can immediate slap on a smile when told by your 16 year old that you’re having another baby to raise and don’t you dare suggest a termination because rights. But there is no grace. The OP does not have the luxury of a knee jerk response. No, she responds less than perfectly, and the daughter ups and leaves. And so the OP needs to just…pretend it’s all fine, that she’s positively thrilled with her 16 year olds life choices as if it isn’t a total fucking disaster.

Of course it’s all about the daughter. It has to be. But let’s not pretend there isn’t another woman whose life is utterly fucked as a result of this. And she had no part in it.

I’m just saying it’s fucking hard to be a mum. That’s all.

My Mum was 14 when she started dating my Dad he was 21. . Yes it was the war years and she was working in a wool mill and my Dad was away with the Army.. but she got pregnant at 16.. unfortunately a still born at full term. But she was pregnant again at 18.. married my Dad at 5 months pregnant and had my oldest sister.. went on to have four more daughters and were happily married until death took them.
My sisters husband is 7 years older than her.. he sounds very supportive ( fingers crossed).. let her know you will always be there for her... you will have a wonderful Grandchild to love... spoil and adore.. if you're lucky.

I actually think the waking her up was brilliant. Clearly she couldn't cope with that. Sadly, it doesn't seem like there's much you can do, I feel sorry for the poor innocent child born into such a mess and irresponsible parents. I feel she'll come back when it all turns to shit

OP, one thing you may not have considered. Given your original response of waking her every two hours, she has every reason to mistrust you. She does not know what equally (or more) extreme tactic you will try next, and so will be very wary of coming near you.

If I were her, I'd never come back. I had equally batshit parents and although I didn't get pregnant, once I'd left home, I never went home. Reasonable civilised people do not do things like that.

If you want a relationship with your dd, your priority is to apologise, and fast.

A 16 year old isn't mature enough to make that life long choice. The fact they're pregnant, let alone to a 23yo indicates they are not very clever and incapable of making good choices. Unfortunately the baby is the one who has to live with the repercussions

You were 17, that is not a "big grown up girl". He was 34. That is awful.

The mate’s in for a surprise on his return! What 20-something bloke wants to pivot from living with a mate to living with a young family/baby?

But that’s the hypocrisy of the situation. If she’s that vulnerable then she shouldn’t be having a baby but those advocating a termination are monsters.

You can’t have it both ways. Either she’s an adult who can look after herself and a baby or she’s a child who needs her mum.

This is Mumsnet. Not VulnerableDDsNet. A mum is allowed to post on here for support at the shit situation her DD is in with a creep of a man. And this is the Teenagers forum, not AIBU.

I agree. I was older than DD's daughter but started a degree with a one year old and everything turned out fine. I was able to travel etc in my late 40s and was a youngish grandma by 50. I wouldn't change anything.

That may well be when she comes back home even if only temporarily. The OP needs to make sure she doesn't make that too difficult. That's assuming she loves her and wants to help rather than punishing her like some posters on this thread say they would do.

It sounds as if your DD had already made her decision to keep her baby yet you didn't accept that and wanted to prove she won't cope. You know as a new Mum she would be sleep deprived yet you chose to inflict more sleep deprivation on your own DD whilst she's pregnant, knowing how tiring early pregnancy is. I'm not surprised she left. You drove her away. Now you need to give her time and space. Her bf sounds supportive of her. She has somewhere to go. You could offer her financial support to buy food whilst she lives with bf. Over time she might resume contact with you but if you try to punish her again you'll lose her and your DGC.

By travel, I didn’t mean going on holiday. I meant the sort of travel young people do after uni and which you can’t do with a young child in tow. Yes you can get on a flight in your late 40s but it’s delusional to think you have the same experiences.
In the same vein, having a baby and settling down is something this girl can do in 15 years time. Then she can be with a stable partner, be financially secure, have her own house, have good life experience to make her a good parent. You also socially limit yourself having a baby at 16 and you make finding a decent partner harder because the ones heading for uni and a good career aren’t going to be going for the single mum with a 7 year old when they are in their mid 20s.

Obviously someone who had a baby at 16 might say it all worked out fine (and few people would say they regretted their kids) but the people I know who got pregnant as teens didn’t have lives that I would call working out fine. They didn’t leave their home county, didn’t travel, didn’t get any qualifications and most of them are on benefits or working minimum wage jobs now. Not living in nice houses with a lovely husband and an exciting career. Maybe they are happy with their lot but I wouldn’t want that for my DD.

So basically for this situation to work out well for the DD is almost certainly going to require huge input from the OP in supporting a young girl and her baby at a time in her life when she thought she was behind all that. I don’t know how old the OP is but I’ll be 55 when DD is that age and I would be devastated that my life was going to return to broken nights and crying baby.

And of course all this demonstrates that this girl is a child who needs her mum. Not the grown up she thinks she is.

She’s been with her boyfriend a few months. He lives in a flatshare and has moved her in while his mate is on holiday. I wouldn’t describe him as supportive - I’d describe him as an irresponsible twat who has got a schoolgirl pregnant. She is 16. He shouldn’t be feeding her bullshit about how they can be together. He should be being honest and say he doesn’t want to be a dad so that she doesn’t have these delusions of them being a happy little family. Anyone who thinks he will actually stick around and bring this baby up with her is beyond deluded.

She is seven weeks pregnant. OP tried to get through to her and tried shock tactics. She was clearly desperate. This girl is highly unlikely to be a good mother without a lot of support as she is immature, impulsive and has zero life experience. She will realistically only be able to do this if the OP raises the child with her, giving up her own time and energy for the next decade until the daughter is mature enough. So she woke her up a few times in the night to make her see sense? Who really gives a fuck? You get those simulated baby dolls that do precisely that to try to teach stupid teens what it will be like. And usually they realise that it’s a lot fucking harder than dressing your baby in designer gear and posing on social media. I’d say good on the OP for trying to make her see sense. But according to people on here, the DD is a “pregnant woman”, her boyfriend is supportive and will be there for her and the OP should be taking photos of her DD cradling her bump and holding a banana before going shopping for onesies with “i love grandma” emblazoned across them.

Agree. The rose tinted glasses have been out in force on this thread.

but I’ll be 55 when DD is that age and I would be devastated that my life was going to return to broken nights and crying baby.

It wouldn't happen for me. If she wants a baby, it's on her. I'd be clear I wouldn't be doing any baby care.